Tag Archives: Humor

7

Halloween Party, Cheeseland Style – Part 2

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Where we are – Chloe and Zoe Cat’s school has decided to have a Halloween party. It’s a new experience for the cats and other pupils at Xavier Q Hedgehog Elementary School. Mama Cat isn’t sure it’s a good idea, but the girls are so excited, she’s decided they will all go. It’s planned for the Thursday before Halloween in the school gymnasium. That afternoon, when Mama meets the bus the girls are full of energy.

Chloe: Mama! we have to hurry home and get changed. They are serving pizza at 6 pm. We don’t want to miss it.

Mama Cat: What’s pizza?

Zoe: It’s some kind of human food. It has dough on the bottom and other stuff on top.

Mama Cat: Like what?

Zoe: Like cheese and meat.

Chloe: And tomatoes.

Mama Cat: Tomatoes?

Chloe: And other vegetables.

Mama Cat: That sounds pretty strange.

Zoe: Mama, we want to try it.

Papa Cat: It sounds interesting. I’ll try it too.

Mama Cat: Hmmf.

Papa Cat: Girls, go get your costumes. I have a surprise.

Chloe and Zoe run off. They come back with their matching black bear cub costumes. Mama Cat helps them get dressed. Papa disappears for a few minutes. When he returns, he’s dressed as a large black bear.

Chloe: Ooh, Zoe. Look at Papa!

Zoe: You’re a bear too!

Papa Cat: I thought we could go as a bear family.

Zoe: Mama, where’s your costume?

Mama Cat: I feel silly dressing up like a bear. I don’t have a costume.

Zoe: But how can we be a bear family without a Mama Bear?

Chloe: Please, Mama? It’s just for the party.

Papa Cat: I got you a costume. We’ll be a handsome bear couple.

Zoe: Please??

Mama Cat really didn’t want to get dressed up, but the other three cats looked disappointed.

Mama Cat: Okay. But only this once. And no pictures.

As soon as they were dressed, they drove to the school. Mama had the salmon tarts she had promised to bring. When they arrived, there were a variety of animals wearing costumes walking from the parking lot to the school. They were met at the door by Ms Fishman, the girls’ teacher. (It’s a family name, she’s actually a groundhog.) The teachers had decided to all dress as witches. Apparently that was also a human custom.

Ms Fishman: Hello, Cat Family! You are all so cute! Come on in. The tarts look delicious. You can put them on the treat table over there.

She pointed to a table that was full of treats. Some of them were common animal foods, but there was also a large cake and a bowl full of candy. They were intended as decorations, but some of the dogs had already helped themselves. Fortunately, there was no chocolate. Mama Cat put her tarts near a bowl of kibble.

Zoe: Let’s go to the gym. That’s where the pizza is.

As they walked down the hall, there was an interesting smell. Mama Cat couldn’t identify it, but it wasn’t unpleasant. When they got to the Gymnasium, there waas a large table with all kinds of pizza. They all had the same crust, but there were a lot of toppings.

Chloe: Look, Mama. Some of them have fish on them. And that one has chicken.

Papa Cat: Yum! They smell delicious.

They each had a slice of anchovy pizza with a cup of cream.

Papa Cat: I really like this. Could you make it at home, honey?

Mama Cat: I suppose. But I think it would be better without the crust.

Zoe: Then it wouldn’t be pizza, Mama. You have to put the fish and the cheese on the crust.

Mama: Hmmf.

Papa Cat: What next, girls?

Chloe: We can either go to the scary room or the game room.

Papa Cat: What’s a scary room?

Zoe: It’s a dark room. You walk around and they try to scare you.

Chloe: Let’s do that!

Mama Cat: I think I’ll wait for you here. I don’t want to be scared.

Papa Cat: Okay, girls. Let’s go.

They walked around a large, dark room. Every time something popped up, the girls screamed. Papa Cat was holding their paws by the end.

Mama Cat: Did you like the scary room?

Zoe: It was pawsome! I was really scared.

Papa Cat: They did a good job with the scares. And the girls were very brave.

Chloe: Can we play Pin the Bone on the Skeleton next?

Mama Cat: That sounds safer. Let’s go there.

They got in line for the game. Each of the girls took a turn at being blindfolded, spun around and pointed toward the skeleton. They missed the target, but received glow-in-the dark bracelets for playing. Then they heard the announcement to go back to the gymnasium for the costume contest results. Lacey Lemur, the head of the PTA was going to announce the results.

Lacey: I want to thank everyone for coming. This has been a huge success and, hopefully, will be the beginning of a new tradition here at Xavier Q Hedgehog. Our judges have been walking around looking at the costumes. We were extremely impressed by the work that you have put into this. It was a hard decision, but we decided to go with a group award. The winners of the first annual Halloween costume award are Chloe and Zoe Cat who came as part of a bear family. Please come forward.

Chloe and Zoe ran up to the stage, followed by their parents.

Lacey: You’ve won a gift certificate to Howard’s House of Halibut. Now let’s get a picture for the school website.

The four cats posed for the picture. No one could tell that Mama Cat was cringing with embarrassment.

Pictured generated by Gemini AI

17

Halloween Party, Cheeseland Style

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Mama Cat was waiting at the corner when the school bus dropped off her kitten, Chloe and Zoe. They started talking as soon as they got off the bus.

Chloe: Mama, Mama! Guess what?

Zoe: She’ll never guess what.

Chloe: It’s really exciting! It’s the first time the school has ever done it.

Mama Cat: What is the school doing?

Zoe: We’re going to have a Halloween party!

Mama Cat: What’s a Halloween party?

Zoe: Everyone dresses up. And we have candy and cake and treats!

Chloe: And apple cider!

Zoe: And games!

Chloe: And a prize for the best costume!

Mama Cat: That sounds like a strange party for young animals. Whose idea was it?

Chloe: I don’t know. Doesn’t it sound like fun?

Zoe: I almost forgot. There’s going to be a haunted room too with all kinds of scary stuff.

Mama Cat: Why would you want to be scared? Your fur gets a puffy.

Chloe: But nothing bad is going to happen. We’re at school.

Mama Cat: You said you need to dress up. Like in fancy party clothes?

Zoe: No, Mama. Like something else. Like a dog or a chipmunk.

Chloe: Or a human.

Zoe: We want to go as bears or lambs. We want to be fluffy.

Mama Cat: You’re already naturally fluffy.

Zoe: And we like being fluffy. So we don’t want to do something dumb like being a bumblebee or something.

Mama Cat: Where are you supposed to get these costumes?

Chloe: They said that Gargantua and Nibbles are both good places online. Or you could make them. They have them at Dash-n-Go too.

While the girls were doing their homework, Mama Cat called her friend Sylvia.

Mama Cat: Sylvia, did your kids say anything about a Halloween party at school? What’s going on?

Sylvia: What I heard is that it’s another one of those goofy ideas about improving relations between animals and humans. Humans children love Halloween.

Mama Cat: Human children also love running around and shrieking loudly. Do we have to do that too?

Sylvia (laughing): I certainly hope not.

Mama Cat: The girls said they were going to get candy and cakes and apple cider. Cats don’t like any of those things.

Sylvia: Maybe you could suggest something more cat-friendly.

Mama Cat: Why should I have to suggest that. The school is for animals, not humans. They should know animals don’t like that stuff.

Sylvia: Except for the dogs and raccoons. They eat pretty much anything.

Mama Cat: That is very true. Maybe I need to talk to the Principal, Mr Phelps.

The girls spent the evening after dinner looking at costumes online. Mama Cat hadn’t realized how many costumes for cats were available. They narrowed the choices to a bear, a lamb, and a beaver. After the girls were on the bus the next morning, Mama Cat called Mr Phelps.

Mama Cat: Hello, Mr Phelps. I’m Chloe and Zoe’s mother. I wanted to talk to you about the Halloween party you are planning for the school.

Mr Phelps: Of course. What would you like to discuss?

Mama Cat: The refreshments don’t sound very cat-friendly. We really don’t like sweets. I was hoping that you could add something a little more cat-friendly. I’m sure there are other animals who won’t be eating candy or cake.

Mr Phelps: We are trying to provide an exotic experience by copying the human party as closely as possible. We are providing lunch that day as usual, so no one should be spending the day hungry.

Mama Cat: I’m not worried about my girls going hungry. I just think that there should be some treats there that are appealing to everyone.

Mr Phelps: I appreciate your perspective. Unfortunately, we have a budget for the party and don’t have the money to get special treats for everyone. Your children are welcome to bring their own snacks, if you’d like. We would love to have enough to share, if that’s possible. And we’re still looking for parent volunteers, if you’re interested.

Mama Cat: Thank you for your time, Mr Phelps.

Mr Phelps: My pleasure.

Mama Cat wondered how the conversation got so far off-track. She didn’t understand how it started out with wanting to change the party to her being responsible for providing treats for all the cats at the school. She decided that she would volunteer, just to keep an eye on things.

Next week: The party.

Pictures generated with Gemini AI.

18

Bring a Human to School Day

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One of the things Thomas Tabby had been working on as Liaison to the Humans was finding new ways for the animals to interact with humans. He thought that if animals could see humans in different settings, it might make them more comfortable interacting with them. He thought that bringing small humans in to talk at the Felix T Khat Academy would be a good way for the young cats to interact with humans. Some of the cats had never seen a human before. Ms Oliver and five of her 10-year-old students were invited to speak at an assembly in the auditorium.

The visit was off to a rough start. On their way to the auditorium the students had walked through the halls filled with students and seemed a little overwhelmed by all of the cats.

Girl #1: Ooh! Look at all of the kitties! They’re so cute!

Girl #2: Ms Oliver, can we each take one of them home? They’re so fluffy!

Boy #1: Let me get one for you. Which one do you want?

Thomas, who was chaperoning the group, was appalled. He hissed at Ms. Oliver and spoke quickly to the interpreter, Mr Dudley.

Thomas: Tell them that if anyone touched one of the cats without asking permission, that would be the end of the trip. These cats came from good homes and were not up for adoption.

Mr Dudley relayed the information. The children looked disappointed.

Girl #1: I thought we were going to play with the kitties. Why can’t we touch them?

Ms Oliver: Cheeseland cats are different than cats where you live. They mostly don’t live with humans. We’re here as representatives of our species. They want to know more about humans.

Thomas: Okay , everyone. We’re going to wait here for a couple of minutes while the students all find a seat. I’ll introduce you, and the students will have an opportunity to ask you questions. Don’t be nervous.

Boy #2: This is weird. We’re supposed to answer questions from a bunch of cats?

Ms Oliver: Didn’t you listen to what I told you when you were chosen for this trip? You’re in Cheeseland. The animals run everything here. A lot of them have never met a human. It’s an honor to be here.

Boy #2: I guess. But it’s still weird.

Thomas is onstage, talking to the group.

Thomas: Hello everyone. My name is Thomas Tabby, and I am very excited to be here. I’m the Liaison to the Humans here in Cheeseland. My job is to make working and living with humans a little bit easier. Today we have five 10-year-old humans visiting us who are going to answer questions you might have about humans. Please welcome Ms Oliver and her students. They’ve come from Roosevelt Elementary in a town called Redford.

The humans walked onto the stage and stood next to Thomas. The felines were whispering to each other.

Thomas: Okay. Who has a question?

Jasmine: I’ll go first. Are all humans so big? And why do you only use your back legs?

The humans were puzzled. They were definitely not large by human standards, but they were also very large compared to some of the cats.

Girl #1: We’re pretty average size for human kids. We’re still growing, though.

Jasmine: So you’ll get bigger?

The children nodded.

Girl #1: I don’t know why we only use our back legs. It’s just the way we are.

Penelope: Do you eat cats?

Girl #2: Eww! No

Muffin: Are there cats where you live?

Girl #3: There are lots of cats where we live. But they don’t talk or go to school.

Muffin: Why not?

The children looked at Ms Oliver.

Ms Oliver: I’m not sure why it’s only the humans who talk and go to school where we live. You kitties would be an inspiration to them.

Giselle: Are you going to get jobs soon? Ten seems pretty old to still be in school.

Boy #1: No. Humans go to school for a long time.

Giselle: Do you live with your litter all that time?

Boy #1: Uhh. Pretty much, yeah.

Bronte: Do humans celebrate holidays?

Boy #2: Yes. We have a lot of them.

Bronte: What’s your favorite?

Boy #2: Halloween. It’s coming up in a couple of weeks.

Bronte: What’s Halloween?

Boy #2: It’s where we get dressed up and go out to get candy from our neighbors.

Girl #1: Yes. A lot of girls dress up like cats. It’s really cute.

Bronte: That’s really weird. You don’t look anything like cats.

Thomas: I think that’s about all the time we have for questions. Please thank our guests for coming over here today.

The cats purred appreciatively. On the ride back to their school, the children were pretty quiet.

Boy #1: I don’t think I’m going to tell anyone about this.

Girl #2: No one would believe it.

Since we had to break our “absolutely no pictures of humans” rule, we decided to go with Gemini AI cartoons,

14

Trouble in Cheeseladnd – Part 2

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Where we are: Cheeseland’s City Manager, Clayborn Coyote, has been accused of favoritism in awarding city contracts. The scandal is threatening to bring down Mayor Pauly Porcine’s government. Every day since Angel Katt broke the story on Action 7 News, residents have been picketing City Hall. City Council President Gayle Gorilla has called an emergency meeting with Mayor Pauly, his Chief-of-Staff Henrietta Hare, Clayborn, and the full City Council.

Gayle: Mr Mayor, how to do plan to handle this scandal?

Pauly: What scandal? Clayborn had some work to get down and he found animals he trusted to get it done.

Sheila Skunk: But they didn’t do it right.

Clayborn: Every job was completed on time and under budget.

Oscar Owl: I’ve been looking over the invoices for the pool work. I don’t see where there was a budget established prior to the start of the project.

Clayborn: I’ve known that guy for most of my life. I trusted his estimates would be appropriate.

Oscar: That’s not how government contracting works. You need to get competing bids. You’re working with other people’s money.

Pauly: I checked the numbers. He didn’t charge more than he said he would. And he finished early.

Harry Hedgehog: That’s great. Except he poisoned the water. Several young animals had a reaction to the chlorine in the water.

Clayborn: That was unfortunate. I didn’t realize that Larry usually worked with humans. They love that stuff in their pools.

Pauly: So what, exactly, is the point of this meeting? I’m a busy pig. I’m sure this will be forgotten in a few weeks.

Gayle: I’m afraid not, Mr Mayor. A few of the residents started a petition after our last meeting. They have enough signatures to hold a recall vote.

Pauly: They want to recall Clayborn? I didn’t realize that was possible,

Gayle: It’s not. He’s not an elected official.

Pauly looked at her, puzzled. Then he looked horrified.

Pauly: You don’t mean…

Gayle: I’m afraid so, sir. They are holding you responsible for your employee’s actions

Pauly: That’s ridiculous. I didn’t do anything wrong. No one has accused me of anything.

Gayle: They entrusted you with their city and don’t think you’re taking good care of it.

Pauly: Because a few kids got red eyes? We took care of the issue once it was brought to our attention.

Gayle: They don’t trust the city’s computer system anymore. Animals are refusing to pay their utility bills because they were being overcharged for everything.

Clayborn: That was a simple compilation error. Everything is fine now.

Gene Woodchuck: But. they. don’t. trust. the. data.

Clayborn: It will be fine in a couple of billing cycles.

Gene: The citizens don’t believe you. They want a new government.

Henrietta: What if Pauly fired Clayborn? Would that help?

Pauly: Why would I fire Clayborn?

Gayle: He broke the law.

Pauly looked around the room at the Council members. They were all nodding. Then he looked at Clayborn. Clayborn shrugged.

Pauly: I guess you gotta go, buddy. This is more serious than I realized.

Clayborn: No worries. I’ve got plenty of options.

Gayle called Security to escort Clayborn out of the building.

Pauly: So now we’re set, right? I can move on to more important things?

Gayle: I’m not sure what could be more important. Your constituents want you removed from office.

Pauly: Not now that I’ve fired Clayborn. He was the real problem.

Gayle: So you won’t consider resigning?

Pauly: Why would I resign? I took care of the problem.

Meanwhile, Clayborn was on the steps of City Hall, giving his version of what happened in the meeting.

Angel Katt: Clayborn, can you tell us what’s going on in the meeting?

Clayborn: The Mayor needed a scapegoat for everything that’s wrong with his Administration. Now I’m out of a job.

Angel: You were responsible for the no-bid contracts, weren’t you?

Clayborn: The Mayor hired me to get things done. And I got things done. That’s all I have to say.

Angel: Thank you for your time.

Next week: Has Pauly done enough to keep his job?

Pictures generated by Gemini AI.

8

Trouble in Cheeseland

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Cheeseland is buzzing about the scandal that is threatening to take down Mayor Pauly Porcine’s government. Mayor Pauly is not personally accused of any wrongdoing, but the City Manager, Clayborn Coyote, appears to be running a large-scale pay-to-play operation with city contractors.

We’re following the story on WCHZ 7 Action News.

 

Shirelle Sharpei: Good evening everyone. Welcome to Action 7 News at 11 pm. I’m Shirelle Sharpei.

Tyrone Tiger: And I’m Tyrone Tiger. Shirelle, we’ve got some big news on the Mayor Pauly story.

Shirelle: Indeed, we do, Tyrone. And first on the scene, as always, is Angel Katt. Angel, we hear there’s an update in the Mayor Pauly situation.

Angel: As you know, I’ve been working with an anonymous source inside the Administration to break this story. That animal told me that there was going to be an ad-hoc, closed-door City Council meeting tonight. It was closed to the public, but I’ve been speaking to several parties as they left the meeting. I have the footage for you.

The video starts with Angel standing with a microphone as several coyotes rush past her without stopping. She tries to get an answer, but they quickly move past her.

 

Gayle Gorilla, the City Council President, follows the coyotes out of City Hall.

Angel: Madame President, could I get a statement about what happened in there? The coyotes didn’t look happy.

Gayle: I imagine not. It appears that several contracts were awarded to friends of the City Manager without going through the required bidding process.

Angel: Can you tell me which projects were in question?

Gayle: I can’t get into specifics, but the impacted departments are Parks & Rec, Maintenance, and Communications.

Angel: Thank you, Madame President.

Angel returns to the live feed. An angry group of residents came out of City Hall.

Angel: Would any of you like to tell us what you thought of the meeting?

Brandy Bear: This is why I didn’t vote for that pig. I knew he’d be doing pork-barrel politics.

Angel: Did someone say Mayor Pauly was involved?

Brandy: It’s his administration. He should have known what was going on. I think we should get rid of them all.

Tyrone (from the studio): Angel, can you get an understanding of why folks seem to be so angry?

Angel: I think it might be related to the issues at the renovated swimming pool.

Ophelia Otter: That’s exactly why I’m so mad. My kids love to go to that pool. It’s the only one with real river water. I thought they were just doing routine maintenance.

Angel: What happened?

Ophelia: The first time we went back, my son Jeremy jumped right in. Then he jumped right back out, screaming that his eyes hurt. And he smelled weird.

Bonnie Beaver: Same thing with my kids. Someone had dumped chlorine in the pool.

Angel: Why would anyone put chlorine in a pool?

Ophelia: That idiot coyote hired someone who mainly works with humans. Apparently humans are so dirty, they have to bleach themselves when they get in a pool.

Angel: Eww! Are the kids okay?

Bonnie: Fortunately, we could go home and use the pond in the backyard.

Timothy: We got an electric bill from the City. It said we owed $200 for our electricity. All we use it for is our heating lamp. It used to be $15.

Shelley Sheep: We received a letter saying that our son was at risk of being expelled from school for truancy. Our son graduated last year.

Angel: What’s going on?

Timothy: They hired a firm to update the city’s communications systems. The company just moved all the data over in a massive dump, so now everything is confused and mixed up.

Shelley: I heard that they need to go back to the old data and start over. Hopefully, nothing was lost.

Suddenly, Mayor Pauly walks through the crowd and pushes the camera aside.

Pauly: That’s enough for tonight. We’re handling the issues.

Angel: Mr Mayor, how are you going to address the allegations?

Pauly: Accusations. That’s exactly what they are. No one has proven anything.

Ophelia: My child jumped into a pool full of chlorine.

Pauly: We’re looking into it. It might have been a mistake by a new employee.

Angel: Mr Mayor…

Pauly: I said this was over.

Pauly pushes his way through the crowd as Angel wraps up her microphone.

Shirelle: Well, that was abrupt.

Tyrone: Everyone, remember to follow this breaking story on WCHZ7.com and come back here to follow what Angel learns.

Next week: What will happen to Pauly and Clayborn?

(Ed. Note – Cat is finally healthy and will be back to reading your posts. Thank you for your patience.)

All pictures generated by Gemini AI

17

Who Turned Out the Lights?

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Snoops: Can you believe what happened last week? I’m still annoyed.

Gypsy: What are you talking about?

Snoops: The power going out. We couldn’t post for the first time since Kommando and I took over.

Gypsy: Wow. That’s a long time.

Snoops: We even posted when our human dad crossed the bridge.

Sgt Stripes: And when Kommando joined him on the other side.

Angel: What does “the power went out” mean?

Sgt Stripes: I’m not really sure. It’s some kind of magic that makes the black boxes work.

Snoops: It does more than that. Didn’t you see how dark the house was?

Angel: I wonder if they’re sorry they planted all those trees.

Sgt Stripes: I hope not. They provide excellent Cat TV.

Gypsy: And it’s cooler with the shade.

Angel: We do have a lot fewer sun puddles.

Snoops: I don’t think Mom did a very good job with our litter boxes.

Sgt Stripes: It was hard to see things for a couple of days before the rain finally went away.

Gypsy: That wasn’t as bad as the water.

Angel: Yeah. That magic stuff must make our fountains run too.

Snoops: The human litter boxes didn’t work either. And Mom couldn’t wash any dishes.

Gypsy: Mom says the well has an electric pump. Whatever that means.

Sgt Stripes: I think it means they had to use rain water to make their litter stuff go down the drain.

Angel: That wouldn’t have happened if they used regular litter boxes.

Gypsy: Why were the humans around so much. We almost never see both of them hanging around that much.

Snoops: That’s why Mom was so mad. She had an extra day off on Monday for Labor Day. Then she took three days off last week to get rid of the fleas.

Sgt Stripes: Where did all of those fleas come from? This is the first time Mom’s had a problem with them biting her.

Gypsy: You know those big brown animals the humans think are so cute? I think they’re called groundhogs.

Sgt Stripes: Oh yeah. The giant mice.

Gypsy: Apparently they live under the outside porch, and they have fleas.

Angel: So what? We don’t go under the porch.

Gypsy: It doesn’t matter. The floor isn’t very well sealed, and the fleas came up through the inside porch.

Snoops: So when we were basking in those pawsome sun puddles, the fleas were finding a new home.

Sgt Stripes: Yuck! Why isn’t Mom doing something?

Snoops: Weren’t you listening? She took time off last week to handle it. She did a lot of cleaning on Wednesday. Then the power went out on Thursday and didn’t come back on until Monday afternoon.

Angel: It got fixed just in time. Mom was almost out of plates to feed us. She had to use the plates the humans use for cake because she ran out of our bowls.

Sgt Stripes: It’s the end of the week. Why do we still have fleas?

Gypsy: You know Mom had to work.

Sgt Stripes: She was here Wednesday.

Gypsy: She was sick. Didn’t you hear her coughing?

Sgt Stripes: It was a little annoying while I was trying to sleep on her. She still sounds pretty bad. Are we just going to be overrun?

Angel: I hope not. I really don’t like taking the medicine.

Snoops: Don’t worry. She said that she’s doing it this weekend.

Gypsy: Where are we going. I am not staying in a kennel.

Angel: Me either.

Sgt Stripes: Is that like the vet? I lost some very important stuff when I stayed overnight at the vet.

Snoops: Don’t panic everyone. She bought some kind of all natural flea stuff that doesn’t hurt animals. Once she sprays it, she has to vacuum every day for a month.

Angel: Vacuum every day? That sounds terrible.

Gypsy: It’s better than itching all the time.

Sgt Stripes: What about the groundhogs? Do they need to be flea-dipped?

Snoops: It probably would be a good idea.

Angel: I heard Mom say that she got some stuff to seal up the inside porch.

Snoops: Yeah. Once the fleas are gone, she’s going to make sure they can’t get back in.

Gypsy: Just in time for our fluff-a-licious winter coats to grow in.

AI pictures courtesy of Gemini AI

15

Cat Council: Late Summer

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Sgt Stripes: You’re probably wondering why I called this council.

Snoops: Definitely. There’s nothing going on to talk about.

Angel: Life is much more peaceful without the small humans.

Sgt Stripes: That’s true. But there are so many fewer treats being handed out.

Gypsy: He’s right about that. I heard Mom tell our human brother that she’s probably going to cut down the number of treats she orders from Chewy.

Snoops: She can’t do that. You know how hard it is to get something back in the budget after they cut it out.

Angel: She might forget what we really like.

Sgt Stripes: We definitely need to protect the treats, but that’s not why we’re here.

Snoops: Then why are we here?

Sgt Stripes: Do any of you read the blog? Our blog?

Snoops: Of course I do. Kommando and I rescued it from obscurity. We’re the ones who hired the mice and tightened the focus. All animals, all the time.

Sgt Stripes: That’s great. But when was the last time you were featured? Bet you can’t remember.

Gypsy: What’s your point, Stripes?

Sgt Stripes: It’s been a long time since anyone got an update on what we’re doing.

Angel: What did you want to tell them?

Sgt Stripes: Well… we got new windows at the end of May. They’re pretty nice, but then it got really hot and we couldn’t open them.

Snoops: That’s right. Now it’s cooled off, and the windows are still closed.

Gypsy: Mom says that’s because there are no cats on the main floor when she goes to work. That’s also why she doesn’t need as many treats. Morning Treat Time went from 4 cats to zero cats for a while.

Angel: It was really hot.

Snoops: And the basement is nice and cool. I can’t believe they don’t have air conditioning. Mom says it’s because it’s an old farmhouse and isn’t set up for it. I think she just doesn’t want to pay to get the house updated.

Angel: It is really nice in the basement since they sealed it up last year. No more smelling like mildew or walking through muck.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know why Mom felt deserted. You never left, Gypsy.

Gypsy: Yeah, but you know how I am. I pick a spot and pretty much don’t move for a couple of months. I really like the new kitchen window. So, I’m not really doing cuddles at the moment.

Angel: I’m becoming really attached to my spot in the basement.

Snoops: Me too. We’ve even got our own litterbox. I’m upstairs more than Angel. She only shows up for breakfast. Doesn’t even stick around for morning treats.

Gypsy: It was actually kind of nice being the only one upstairs.

Sgt Stripes: I got bored being downstairs all the time.

Angel: Exactly what is your new routine? It seems like you’ve disappeared from downstairs.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t really like it down there except when it’s really hot. There’s no place soft to sleep. I think you ladies will move back upstairs when it gets a little cooler.

Angel: What do you think, Snoops?

Snoops: He’s probably right. It’s pretty cold down here in the winter. And we have the house to ourselves most of the days.

Sgt Stripes: I’m getting the treat schedule back on track. I’m sleeping with Mom so I’m getting morning and evening treats again. You guys are on your own to make sure you don’t miss out.

Gypsy: I thought you wanted to talk about the blog. Why are we still talking about treats?

Snoops: Yeah. This is cutting into my naptime.

Angel: Are we looking for things to write about?

Sgt Stripes: Yes. But it has to be about us. Enough cute bears and hedgehogs.

Gypsy: We could tell them about the great flea scare.

Angel: Yuck. Who wants to hear about fleas.

Snoops: How about our new window seats?

Gypsy: You mean the ones nobody uses?

Sgt Stripes: I know! Mom’s doing fall cleaning this week. We can help!

The other cats nod in agreement, happy to be at the end of the meeting.

18

Keep Your Paws Off My Hedge – Part 2

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(Ed. Note – Due to a glitch in the Tags last week, the post did not show up in the live feed until late Saturday afternoon last week. It looks like that kept some of you from seeing the post at all. Part 2 will make a lot more sense if you look at Part 1 here before reading this post. We apologize for any inconvenience.)

Where we are: Ian and Janis Hedgehog’s hedge is going to be torn down due to being described as “blighted”. All of the creatures who share the hedge/brush pile are devastated. They are counting on Ian to convince the head of zoning, Chester Allen, that they should be allowed to stay.

Ian and Janis were up early Monday morning.

Janis: How are you going to handle talking to Chester?

Ian: I’ve been looking through the zoning regulations. It appears that “blight” is only mentioned in Part IV of the document. The section on the notice is for IV.3.c. It does say that brush piles are considered blight. But directly below that, IV.3.d says the rule doesn’t apply to properties over 2 acres or owned by native non-humans.

Janis: I don’t know about the size of the property, but it’s owned by foxes who are definitely native.

Ian: Wish me luck. Hopefully, Chester will listen to reason.

Janis: As soon as you tell him why the rule doesn’t apply to us, we’ll be fine.

When he got to work, Ian discussed the situation with a few of his coworkers. He showed the regulations to the group.

Gus Gopher: It looks pretty well defined. You should be okay.

Adam Anteater: You should look up the paperwork the foxes had to file when their bought the property so he doesn’t try to tell you that someone else owns it.

Ian: I hadn’t thought about it. That’s a great idea.

Cate Calico: I had to work with Chester on one of my cases. He’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. And he’s kind of stubborn.

Gus: I think all badgers are stubborn. Once they have an idea, it’s hard to move them.

Ian decided that he would start with an email detailing why the ordinance didn’t apply to Commerce Commons.

Chester’s reply was short and to the point. “The ordinance defines brush piles as blight. We are going to remove the brush pile at the end of thirty days.”

Ian: I can’t believe this guy! He didn’t even respond to the part of it being owned by foxes. He just doesn’t like the brush pile.

Cate: I was afraid of that. Someone got to him before you did, and now he hates brush piles. He probably didn’t care one way or the other before that.

Gus: He most likely has brush piles in his neighborhood and never paid any attention until now. What are you going to do?

Ian: I need to talk to him. I’ll call so I can explain our position.

Ian tried to call Chester several times over the next few days. He left messages but got no response. By Friday, he’d had enough. Ian decided to stop by Town Hall on his way to work. He arrived before everyone else and waited. When they opened the door, he told the receptionist Suzy that he was waiting for Chester Allen.

Suzy: Is Mr Allen expecting you?

Ian: Not really. I’ve been trying to talk to him all week.

Suzy: Oh. Are you…

Ian: Yes, I am Ian Hedgehog, and I need to speak with Chester.

Suzy: Mr Allen is very busy. I’m sure he’ll call you back as soon as he has a moment.

Just then a badger and a couple of beavers came in discussing their golf game the previous afternoon. The badge saw Ian waiting. He immediately picked up his pace. Ian followed him to his office.

Ian: Good Morning, Chester. I’m Ian Hedgehog. I need to speak with you, and it seems that you have been ignoring my calls. I thought this might be the only way to catch you.

Chester: I think I was clear. Brush piles are blight and yours has to go.

Ian: What about everyone living there?

Chester: That’s not really my concern. There are plenty of spots nearby.

Ian: Spoken by someone who lives underground. Why is this brush pile so important to you?

Chester: It’s unsightly, and there may be vermin living there.

Ian: Vermin? That’s a human word not an animal word. You’re doing it for the humans, aren’t you? No self-respecting animal would ever use that word.

Chester: It’s a good word. Besides, that’s not the point. The brush pile is prohibited under the regulations.

Ian: We are exempt because it’s animal-owned.

Chester: You’re making those words carry a lot of weight trying to get around the rules.

Ian: Because they’re the law! I’ve been working at JJ Gorilla and Associates for several years. In court, it’s always what’s in writing.

Chester: You work for an attorney?

Ian: Actually, several of them.

Chester: I don’t want to go to court.

Ian: I don’t want to lose my home.

Chester: You’re not going to back down, are you?

Ian: I am not.

Chester: Maybe we can find some common ground.

Ian: What common ground? You want to destroy our homes.

Chester: Maybe you could move to a bigger, nicer brush pile further from the road?

Ian: Where will that come from?

Chester (thinking): Did you see the beavers who came in with me? They run Parks & Rec, and they are really good with building. We can take down the old brush pile and build something even better with it.

Ian (suspicious): Why would you do that?

Chester: I have to tear it down. But we have some interns who can help you rebuild it, bigger and better.

Ian: I guess that would work.

All pictures created by Gemini AI.

15

Interview with Onyx

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(Ed Note – We know you were expecting the ending to June’s camping trip with the bears. Cat is sick; so Onyx agreed to writing this week’s post. Please come back next week for the conclusion of the story.)

Lightning here! Today, I am going to be interviewing Onyx, whose primary human is Blondie. Since renturning home, Blondie has required a lot of therapaw services from Onyx. I’m sitting down and dissecting a day in the life as the primary emotional support kitty.

Lightning: “Hi, Onyx. Thanks for sitting down with me. Why don’t we start with a general day in the life of…”

Onyx: “Hi, Lightning. My days are pretty strenuous. Blondie wakes up between 6 and 7, so I need to be up nice and early to anticipate her needs.”

Lightning: “That is early. Do you at least get a special breakfast treat?”

Onyx: “Nope. The little humans get food, but they’re much whinier than I am. So I get ignored, aside from the occasional pat.”

Lightning: “What happens after breakfast?”

Onyx: “Well, Blondie hasn’t returned to work yet, although she’s doing that Tuesday. But while she was off work, she would usually drop off the little humans at their school, then come home and nap with me. This is my favorite part of the day. Unfortunately, once she’s back at work, I fear my mid-morning naps with Blondie will be cancelled.”

Lightning: “That sounds nice. So is that all you do? Nap support?”

Onyx: “Not at all! We wake up at 12:30 to have lunch. Still no special treat, but at least the little humans aren’t around wrecking havoc everywhere.” 

Lightning: “Naps and meal duty. Sounds like my kind of job! Do you do any sort of work that involves leaving the realm of being a cat?

Onyx: “Of course! At 1:00 we start something called IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy). Or sometimes we meet with her clinicians. 

Lightning: “Ooohhh, that sounds exciting!” 

Onyx: “It really is. I get to be the star of the Zoom call. I get all sorts of awws and accolades. 

Lightning: “So what do you do during these IOP meetings?”

Onyx: “Well, it’s very important that I am physically on Blondie to help manage her anxiety. If I sense a panic attack creeping up, I go into action. I stick my nose in her ear and purr to get her to calm down. She can also hug me and pet me for a tactile distraction. I also provide tech support by making various screens appear on her computer and typing out words that make a lot of sense in Cat, but not so much in Human. 

Lightning: “That sounds strenuous. How long do you have to do this for?”

Onyx: “Well, she has 3 different meetings, one from 1-2, one from 2:15-3, and one from 3:15-4. There are snacks and a break in those missing 15 minutes. I do take advantage of the breaks to use the litter box, eat (since I still don’t get any good treats!), and stretch. 

Lightning: “So you’re in action for a looooong time. How do you avoid napping?”

Onyx: “I don’t. Assuming Blondie’s heart rate and breathing are stable, I happily fall asleep on her keyboard.”

Lightning: “That sounds like a solid plan. What happens when IOP is over?”

Onyx: “Unfortunately, it’s time to pick up the mini humans. They’re really loud. I don’t like loud. So I hide out in my cubby until Blondie replenishes the kibble.”

Lightning: “All of that work, and still no special treats?”

Onyx: “Nope.”

Lightning: “She needs to realize how lucky she is to have you.”

Onyx: “I agree! I do everything for her. I love her, but her lack of gratitude is wearing thin.”

Lightning: “Maybe you need to take a day or two off. Show her what she’s really missing. 

Onyx: “You know, that’s not a bad idea. I might take that one up!” 

Lightning: “Thanks for the interview, Onyx”. 

Onyx: “Any time, Lightning.”

26

June and the Bears’ Camping Trip – Part 2

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Where we are: Ilsa and Heather McBear have invited their kitten friend June on a family camping weekend in the woods. You can read the beginning of the story here. About 4p on Friday, June Longfur hear a car pull into the driveway.

(Not sure where the extra cub came from)

June: Papa! They’re here! Bring my stuff, please!

Papa comes into the room with a large bag. He opens the door and waves to Daddy McBear. June runs past him to the car.

Ilsa: Daddy! Daddy! Open the door so June can get in.

Angus McBear gets out of the car and opens the door to the back seat. June jumps in, and they start chattering as if they hadn’t left school together an hour before. Matilda McBear smiles at them from the front seat. Angus turns to Papa Longfur.

Daddy: Here, let me take that from you. Oof. What’s in there, bricks?

Papa: I’m sorry. I know that you said you’d take care of everything except June’s bed. But my wife was concerned that cats are really different from bears, and you wouldn’t know how to feed her or keep her busy all the time. This is a huge improvement from where we started. She originally had two bigger bags packed.

Daddy McBear laughed as he threw the bag in the back.

Daddy: Don’t worry. June will be safe with us. We’ll be back before dinner on Sunday.

Papa: Have fun, Princess. Be sure you listen to the McBears.

June: Bye, Papa! I’ll see you Sunday!

They arrived at the campsite around dinnertime. June had never seen so many trees. She wasn’t sure she liked the forest, but she tried to be brave.

Mummy: Why don’t you girls go explore while Daddy and I set up the camp. Since we don’t have any fish yet, I’m making burgers. How would you like yours, June?

June looked confused and didn’t say anything.

Ilsa: She means, do you eat meat raw or cooked?

June: Mama says that raw meat is for feral cats. May I have it cooked?

Mummy: Of course, sweetie. We can eat it either way. Ilsa, Heather – show June how we collect wood, please.

They grabbed a cloth from the trunk and run toward the wood. June races after them. They stop after a few minutes.

Heather: This looks like a good place.

They spread out the cloth and start putting sticks in it. June watches them.

June: I don’t think I can help. I need all of my paws for standing.

Heather: That’s okay. You can look for sticks and stand by them.

It didn’t take long to fill the cloth with sticks. Each cub grabbed two corners to hold the sticks in place.

Ilsa: Want a ride, June?

June: I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll make it too heavy.

Heather: No, you won’t. We’re strong.

June jumped on and rode back to camp like royalty. Mummy and Daddy laughed when they saw her.

Daddy: That’s one way to make sure she didn’t get lost.

June jumped down and looked around. There was a fire pit and shelter. A large basket held food. Fishing supplies were propped against a tree. The back of the car was open, and June could see more food. It looked like mainly snacks. She could see her fluffy bed under the shelter.

June: I thought you were supposed to hang your food from trees when you camp?

The bears looked at each other.

Daddy: Do you know why they say that?

June: I guess it stays fresher that way with no refrigerator.

The bears relaxed and laughed.

Mummy: No, that’s a human thing. They think bears won’t touch their food if they hang it up.

June: I thought you guys could climb trees.

Ilsa: We can. Since the humans are in our space, some bears think they have a right to the humans’ food.

Heather: I don’t really like it unless it’s berries or something.

Daddy: Don’t worry, June. Our food is safe; even your kitty kibble.

Dinner was delicious. The McBears put some kind of honey sauce on their burgers. June tried some, but it stuck to her paws and face. Definitely not cat-friendly. Soon it was getting dark.

Daddy: Who wants a marshmallow roasted?

Heather: I do!

Isla: I do!

Daddy: How about you, June?

June: What’s a marshmallow?

Heather: It’s a white cube kinda thing. They’re really sweet. Bears love them.

Isla: And raccoons.

June: I don’t really like sweet things.

Heather: You can try a bite of mine.

She took a bite and handed the rest to June. June tried to bite it, but it got in here long fur. Why did bears eat so many sticky things?

June: Ugh. Thanks, but I’ll just watch.

The bears and June sat around the fire telling scary stories. June didn’t get scared. She was sure the bears would protect her. Besides, she really didn’t understand a lot of the stories. They were mainly about humans, and she didn’t know any humans.

Daddy: Okay. We’ve all had a long day. Time for bed.

The bears all chose spots under the shelter. Everyone else slept on the ground, but June was happy in her fluffy bed between the girls. They were a short distance from the adult bears.

Mummy woke up when the sun rose. She poked Daddy to get him up too. They needed to fish for breakfast. As they walked past the girls, Mummy looked over. No one was there.

Mummy: They’re gone! My babies are gone! Humans must have taken them. What should we do?

Daddy: I doubt humans took them.

Mummy: They’re so cute! Of course, humans took them. They always grab cute animals.

Daddy: Matilda, calm down. We need to look around. They probably just wandered off.

Next week: Where did they go?

All pictures generated with Gemi