18

At the Watering Hole

Image result for savannah watering hole

Mid-morning at a watering hole somewhere on the African savannah.

Zebra 1: Beautiful morning isn’t it?

Zebra 2: Did you hear that Ryan finally got up the nerve to ask Tammy to mate?

Image result for zebra

Zebra 1: No! They’re so cute together. I bet they have beautiful colts.

Zebra 3: Hmmmph! She is such a flirt! She led my Tony on that she would mate with him.

The first two zebras look at each other.

Zebra 2: Well, I’m sure Tony will find a nice girl too.

Zebra 3: You bet he will. Then she’ll be sorry.

Further along.

Image result for warthog

Warthog 1: This is a nice place. How did you find it?

Warthog 2: I was talking to a guy who told me how to get here. Said there was a lot of good water and a fairly low predator to prey ratio.

Warthog 1: You should have brought him along.

Warthog 2: Unfortunately, he got eaten not too long after we met.

Silence.Image result for gazelle

Gazelle 1: Did you hear the hyenas last night?

Gazelle 2: It sounded like there were a lot of them.

Gazelle 1: I know. It was very strange. The last time I saw the pack there were only 3 or 4 of them.

Image result for hyena

Gazelle 3: I heard a rumor that they have some kind of machine that can make it sound like there are lots of them even when there aren’t. I think it’s called a fone or something like that.

Gazelle 1: Should have known. Those guys are always trying to figure out some kind of scam.

The watering hole goes silent as the group of lionesses approach. Slowly the animals start to back away.

Image result for lioness

Lioness 1: Take your time. We’re here to relax, not hunt.

The other animals quickly move away.

Lioness 2: They never trust us.

Lioness 3: Well, we do eat them.

Lioness 2: That’s no excuse for bad manners.

Lioness 1: Did you hear what Leonidis said just before we left?

Lioness 3: I wasn’t listening.Image result for ostrich

Lioness 1: He’s bored with eating zebras and gazelles. He wants something exotic for dinner.

Lioness 2: Did he mention what this exotic dinner was supposed to be?

Lioness 1: He wants an ostrich.

Lioness 3: There aren’t any ostriches around here.

Lioness 1: The new girl told him she had eaten a couple and they’re delicious.

Lioness 2: Then let the new girl get one for him.

Image result for lioness

Lioness 1: He wants her to teach the new cubs how to pounce.

Lioness 2 (sarcastically): Well, isn’t she special.

Lioness 3: I wish Leonidis hadn’t heard that human refer to him as “King of the Jungle”.

Lioness 2: I know. It went straight to his head.

Lioness 1: Humans are so much trouble. We don’t even live in a jungle.

They hear a roar in the distance.

Lioness 1: Time to get to work.

Image result for savanna animals

all pictures courtesy of Google Images

Advertisements
30

Cats of the World, Unite!

Image result for cats in group

We have obtained a copy of the meeting notes from the Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference of June 19, 2018. We are printing it for all cats who are planning to join Cat World Domination Day on June 24. DO NOT let your humans see it.

Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference

June 19, 2018

Chicago, IL

Image result for human serving cat meme

Murray: I hereby call this Special Conference to order. Before we get started on the main topic, are there any questions?

Herb: Are we going to be violent in this takeover? I don’t like violence.

Murray (patiently): No, Herb. I’ve explained this to you before. The point of Domination Day is to get the humans to do more for us, not to eliminate the humans.

Image result for feral cat

Janis: Are we going to include the ferals?

Murray: We’ve reached out to as many of the ferals as we can. A large number of them don’t want to have anything to do with humans. We have gotten commitments from some of the younger ones.

Mike: Have we tried bringing the dogs on board?

Image result for dog and human meme

Murray: I thought it was a waste of time. They don’t mind being subservient to humans.

Mike: Good point.

Murray (looking around): Any more questions? Then I’d like to present our speaker, Tabitha Tux.

Image result for long haired tuxedo cat

Tabitha: Thank you for having me, Murray. I’d like to speak a little about the goals of World Domination Day and then give some pointers. The goal is not to force humans to do our will. We want them to think it’s their idea. It’s not going to be accomplished in one day.

Sunday is really the kick-off for an ongoing campaign. Some lucky cats will see results in a few days, but others may have to wait months.

Image result for frustrated cat

Toni: How will we know if we have a hopeless human?

Tabitha: All humans are trainable. The trick is finding the right motivator. It may even be necessary to wait for breakfast.

(gasps from the audience)

Tabitha: You won’t usually need to go to such extreme measures.

Image result for cats on strike meme

Murray: So how do we train them?

Tabitha: First you need to soften them up. If they have no interest in learning to hunt, stop bringing them prey. If they hate you fighting with your siblings, make a temporary truce.

Joe: Does this include cuddling on demand?

Tabitha: It might. I know it’s awful to be picked up while you’re trying to sleep, but remember the goal.

Image result for human hugging cat

Joe: what’s the goal?

Tabitha: You want them to give you a special treat or privilege. Once you get the treat, continue your training until getting the treat is a regular occurrence.

For example, if you love chicken and try to get a piece every time it’s served, try being patient. Chances are the human will tell you what a good kitty you are and give more chicken than you would have stolen.

You will need to work on one behavior at a time. You won’t be able to sleep in their bed at the same time you get to have a catio.

Image result for herd of buffalo

Murray: All of this sounds like it’s going to take a long time.

Tabitha: It will take a while. But cats are a patient species. Also, humans are herd animals. If one person builds a catio, there is a good chance that the neighbors will try to build a better one.

Remember, humans didn’t get to this point of trainability overnight. It will take some work to reach the final goal.

(Enthusiastic applause from the audience)

Image result for cat applause

Murray: Any final words of encouragement, Tabitha?

Tabitha: Remember, Sunday is for time with your human. You can talk with your buddies on Monday.

Murray: Thank you for joining us. Tabitha will be here for a while to answer your individual questions.

(More applause. A line immediately forms to talk to Tabitha.)

Image result for cat with sign

 

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

 

8

On Dragons, By Dragons (Part 2)

Image result for chinese dragon

So far: Donnie Dragon asked his father why people don’t believe that dragons exist. His father is explaining how they became invisible. Part 1 is here.

The next night, Donnie asked his father to continue his story.

For many years, the dragons thought they had a safe home in Asia. Then they noticed something.

Every time a dragon was sick, a crowd of people appeared. If the dragon recovered, they went home. If the dragon died, a few people would wait for the bones to turn to ash and collect them.

Image result for dragon medicine

The humans believed that the bones had special powers they could use. The dragons were offended that they could not mourn in private. The dragons were angry, but the people would not stop.

Things were different in the West. For some reason, those people decided that we were evil from the beginning. It may have been the result of a couple of unfortunate incidents in England.

First, a sick dragon was flying home. He sneezed and accidentally set a village on fire. The humans decided that it was intentional, and dragons could not be trusted.

Then a young male dragon fell in love with a beautiful human girl. He took her to his lair against her will. Her father killed the dragon and took his daughter home.

Image result for knight fighting dragon

It was a huge scandal. The humans used the event as more proof that dragons could not be trusted. The dragons were angry that the humans killed one of them without asking why it happened.

The stories spread from one human village to another. With each telling, the story got worse. Eventually, people believed that the dragon had come down from his lair and set the village on fire. In the confusion, he had kidnapped all the young women and took them home to eat. Only the courage of one man had saved them.

Image result for dragon eating

Donnie interrupted his father.

Donnie: But we don’t eat humans. Mama says they’re too fatty and not good for us.

Dad: I know. But it was too late to reason with them.

He continued the story.Image result for medieval village

Every time someone disappeared from a village, it was blamed on the dragons. We moved further and further away, but it was always the same story.

Some “brave” human would track down a dragon, lure the dragon close, and put a spear through his throat. Then the human would cut off the tail (no bones) and take it home. They never brought back the missing person because they “had arrived just as the dragon finished eating.”

The dragons sent a representative to town. He was trying to straighten out the situation. But as soon as he landed, he was attacked. He barely escaped with his life.

Image result for meddle not in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup

A bookseller created a warning sign for the dragons to put at the entrance to their lairs, but it didn’t do any good. It was written in English, but the villagers couldn’t read.

Donnie: What’s ketchup?

Dad: I’m not sure. I think it’s a sauce to make humans taste better.

The dragons left for a place called Wales. Those people were much friendlier to them. But the situation was not good. The dragons were afraid all the time.

The Western dragons and Eastern dragons met high in the mountains of Asia. They decided that there was probably no way to repair the relationship with the humans.

Image result for dragon reading a book

Because dragons are generally peace-loving creatures, they tried to find a non-violent solution. They looked through the Book of Spells. Finally, they found one that would make them invisible.

Some of the Eastern dragons weren’t happy with the solution. They had human friends they would have to leave. But there was no other answer.

Image result for tibetan mountains

The dragons decided that they would all live together in those mountains. And here we are.

Donnie:  Do you think the humans will ever be able to see us again?

Dad: I’m afraid not. The spell can’t be reversed.

Donnie: That’s good. I don’t want to set someone on fire just to keep my tail.

Image result for and they lived happily ever after

22

How to Get Your Human to Buy More Catnip

Image result for cat with catnip

Greetings from Snoops and Kommando Kitty. Mom’s not feeling well, so we took over are helping with the post. She didn’t like our first idea, “How to Play Hide-and-Seek with the Annoying Dog Next Door.” She also ruled out, “Games to Play with Potential Prey.”

We are writing about catnip instead. We tried to get Mom to test out the effects of the recipes. She said that she doesn’t like mint tea. We think she’s just being difficult.

Image result for making tea meme

Catnip’s been around for a long time. In fact, the humans used it as medicine until recently. In more enlightened societies they still use it. We were thinking that if we can convince the humans to use it again, there will be a lot more laying around the house.

Try leaving some of these ideas for your humans.

Health Benefits

Humans can eat, drink (juice or tea) or smoke catnip to get results.  Catnip has been used to treat a lot of things. (We don’t know if it works, but don’t tell your humans.)

Stress – If you’ve been telling your human that the best way to de-stress is to cuddle with you, leave this one out.

Image result for catnip meme

Sleep Aid – We recommend highlighting this one. There is nothing more annoying than a restless human sleeper.

Digestive Aid – It’s supposed to help all those tummy things that make your human grumpy and extra smelly. It’s worth a shot.

Image result for cat with catnip leaf

Headache Aid – Another thing that makes humans extra grumpy. And they can rub a catnip leaf on their face to help. Unless your human is disgustingly dirty, you can enjoy the leaf when they’re done.

Healing Aid – Helps the body sweat out toxins during a cold or the flu. We recommend staying away from the human at this point. Sick, sweaty humans are a little disgusting and can make your fur damp.

Image result for damp cat

Anti-Inflammatory Aid – Humans use it for arthritis, gout, sprained muscles and aching joints. It has something to do with chemicals. We don’t understand it and your human probably won’t either. We’d leave it out.

Bug Bite Aid – Humans really don’t like being bitten. It’s a good thing most of them don’t have fleas. But if some bug does get them, catnip can help it hurt less. They’re supposed to use an extract, but nobody explains how to squeeze the plant to get it out.

Nutritional Aid – It’s full of good stuff and not poisonous.

Image result for catnip tea

Catnip Tea

Place 1-2 teaspoons of dried catnip flowers and leaves (2-4 teaspoons fresh catnip) in a teacup.

Pour a cup of hot (not boiling) water into the teacup.

Let sit for 10-15 minutes.

Add honey and lemon (They say this improves the taste. We think they are wrong.)

Image result for cat with thermometer

Fever Tincture

Fill a glass container 1/3 full with dried catnip

Cover the catnip with gin, vodka, rum or brandy

Secure the lid. Store for 4-6 weeks.

Strain out the herbs (catnip) and bottle it.

Use 1/8 to ¼ teaspoon every half hour for a fever.

(We recommend changing the recipe to fill the container to the top with alcohol so it can be used as a party drink.)

Image result for catnip meme

Calming Herb for Smoking

Dry the leaves and/or flowers of the catnip plant. (It doesn’t say, but we recommend not using your dryer. It seems like that would make a mess.)

Prepare it for smoking. (We have no idea what this means. Hopefully the humans do.)

It will either calm you and make you relaxed or give you a mild sense of giddiness.

(Maybe you want to leave this one out of the project. We think the humans who wrote it might have been taking some other kind of medicine and got confused.)

Image result for catnip meme

We wish you luck in your pursuit of more catnip. Hopefully we have been of some help.

Ed. NoteThis is by cats for cats. Our goal is more catnip, not healthier humans. Therefore, we have not forced any humans to take catnip to see what happens.

Image result for catnip meme

pictures courtesy of Google Images

15

Cheeseland Police Blotter

Image result for cat in jail

Like every other community, we have some crime here in Cheeseland. Below is a summary of what happened during the week ending April, 27, 2018. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

Image result for gorilla with banana

Gorilla charged with assault. Alice G., a mountain gorilla, was dining alone when she saw a giant banana walking toward a table. “It just looked too delicious to ignore,” Alice reported. Allegedly, Alice walked over to the banana and tried to peel it. Unfortunately, the “banana” turned out to be an actor auditioning for a part in a commercial. The actor thought he would impress the director by appearing in costume. Alice has a court date on May 11. No word on whether the actor got the part.

Image result for raccoon at table

Raccoon charged with breaking and entering. Rocky, a neighborhood raccoon, was walking down the street when he smelled a delicious aroma. “It smelled just like my wife’s stew,” according to Rocky. Entranced by the smell, Rocky allegedly jumped in the window and sat at the kitchen table. In his rush, Rocky knocked over three plants and a television. Unfortunately, Rocky also didn’t notice that he wasn’t entering his own house. The owner said that Rocky had made the same mistake on two other occasions, and this time they were going to press charges. Rocky has a court date on May 8.

Image result for koala and car

Koala charged with driving under the influence. Danny K., a koala bear from nearby Critter Cove, was stopped by the police for weaving in and out of his lane while he was driving. When he got out of the car, police allegedly smelled eucalyptus on his breath. “Hey. No worries; it all natural,” Danny is reported to have told the police. The police took away his keys and drove him home. Danny has a court date on May 10 and faces the possibility of losing his license.

Image result for maine coon in tree

Cat charged with trespassing. Oscar C., a large Maine Coon, was out for a walk on a hot day when he became extremely tired. Being an exceptionally furry cat, he looked for a shady place to nap.  Oscar found what he says he thought was an abandoned tree house. He woke up to hissing and spitting from the feline owners of the house. Currently there is a restraining order keeping Oscar at least two blocks from the tree house.

Image result for magpie with shiny object

Magpie charged with theft. Maggie M., part of the notorious Henry Magpie crime family, is accused of breaking into several houses and stealing jewelry. Maggie does not deny that she took the jewelry. She is claiming that, as a magpie, she is naturally drawn to shiny things. Maggie has used this defense successfully on several occasions. Prosecutors are requesting a hearing before a judge rather than a trial by her peers.

Image result for donkeys smiling

Donkeys charged with creating a public disturbance. Joe and Jack, two donkey brothers, went to a theater to see the latest Superhog movie, a comedy about pigs pretending to be superheroes. The brothers sat in the last row of the theater and munched loudly on their straw salads. Once the movie started, the brothers began to bray and talk to each other. One patron said she couldn’t even hear the movie over the braying. After several requests to quiet down, the ushers escorted the donkeys out of the theater. The donkeys protested that braying is how donkeys laugh. One patron has filed a complaint against the brothers. They have a date with an administrative law judge on May 18.

Image result for group of parrots

Parrots charged with using profanity in public.  A group of parrots were enjoying a day at the park. It was a beautiful day and the park was crowded. A small squirrel ran up to her parents and asked what *&#@# meant. The parents were appalled and asked her where she heard such language. She pointed at the parrots. The squirrels went to the park ranger who told the parrots that they couldn’t use that language in the park. Allegedly the parrots told the ranger that they had learned the words from the humans. The ranger told them it didn’t matter where they learned the words, they had to leave. She also gave them a citation with a court date of May 4.

Image result for animal shaming

 

all pictures courtesy of Google Images

11

Sharks Protest Human Stereotypes

Image result for friendly shark

Our correspondent, Maurice Mako, is off the coast of Australia attending the annual Sharkmania Festival. The festival is a celebration of all things shark. All types of sharks are welcome. Intermingling between sub-species is encouraged. However, there is a rule against eating or intimidating fellow attendees. Even if he takes the last shrimp canape that you had your eye on.

Maurice filed this report:

Image result for school of sharks

As usual, the attendees are having a wonderful time. Much of the early part of the day is spent in seminars and roundtables with the evenings being reserved for socialization. Some of the more popular presentations have been:

Oral Hygiene: Just Because You Can Replace Your Teeth Doesn’t Mean You Should Abuse the Privilege

Following the Scent of Blood Doesn’t Always Lead to a Tasty Meal

Standardized Testing: Don’t Worry if Your Child Doesn’t Score Well on the Shark Intelligence Metric (SIM)

Image result for friendly shark

However, there was one seminar that was full to overflowing and the topic of extensive conversation at the dinner tables. The Preservation of Shark Society presented the provocatively titled

Why are Humans So Ignorant About Sharks After All these Years?

The talk addressed three major topics:

Image result for dwarf lantern sharks

Sharks are bloodthirsty predators who seek out humans to kill them.

Totally untrue. There are more than 400 types of sharks. Do humans focus on that? No! All they want to talk about are the great whites and hammerheads. And do they ever talk about invading our space? No!

How many of them ever focus on the dwarf lantern shark? Only 21 cm long. Or how about the whale shark? Forty feet long and only eats plankton.

Besides, who would want to hunt down a human anyway? Most of them are fatty and full of unhealthy chemicals. Anyway, we’re seafood lovers.

Image result for brain cartoon

Sharks are stupid.

If we’re so stupid, why are they worried about us catching and killing them?

Shark brains are size-appropriate to the shark. Their favorite shark, the great white, has a brain that’s two feet long and extremely well-developed.

It’s true that shark brains mainly focus on smell, but that’s what important to us. It’s how we find food and keep from being food.

And which species spends a LOT of time in front of a box full of make-believe humans rather than enjoying their environment? Clue: not the sharks.

  • Image result for shark resting

Sharks have to keep moving to stay alive.

Nope. Most of us have cheek muscles we use to filter water into our mouths and over our gills. We are not as good as humans at being “couch potatoes.” (We don’t have couches or boxes of humans to watch.)

The humans may be confused by the “glamour sharks.” Their favorite great whites, the whale shark, and the mako sharks as well as a few others do have to move to pass water over their gills.

Image result for friendly shark meme

Humans need to get to know us to love us!

And how to we do that? We make pictures to go into those boxes the people spend so much time with!

Our next project is to find out how to be as interesting as those fake people or kittens.

Image result for kitten gif

 

pictures courtesy of Google Images

16

Cat Forum: Interview with Blondie’s Cats

 

Snoops and Kommando here. Welcome to another edition of Cat Forum. A few of you might remember that we have two human siblings, one female and one male. The female moved out a couple of years ago, and we don’t see much of her. But she has the good sense to be living with several cats (as well as the additional humans required to serve the cats). We wanted to talk to our new-found nieces and nephews. None of them complained about her, so she must be doing OK.

Maya

Tell us a little bit about yourselves.

Angel: I’m Angel. I happen to be an adorable muted calico with tons of energy and a huge appetite. I love playing with both humans and other cats, but no one seems to appreciate my creativity or fun.

Spaz: I’m Spaz. Everyone says I’m spoiled, but I’m a diva, so no less is acceptable. Also, isn’t being spoiled part of being a diva?

Maya: I’m Maya, a very sweet but shy plus sized cat. My favorite motto is “if I fits I sits”. I’m very dark, so I hide unintentionally quite often.

Onyx: I’m Onyx. I’m a jet black cat, but I bring no bad luck. I’m verrrrrrryyyyyyyy sweet and cuddly, and my appetite is as big as my heart and love of cuddles.

Patches: I’m Patches. I’m a very vocal and social kitty with a slight fur loss problem. But my lack of fur makes me just that much more lovable.

Patches

How well do you all get along?

Angel: I think my playmates and I get along quite well. They always run when I play chase, and Onyx loves to wrestle! The hissing and growling emitted by Maya and Patches must come from the frustration of being older and not as fast And flexible as I am.

Spaz: These young cats are loud and irritating. Also, they seem to think my food dish is a public buffet.

Maya: Everyone but that Angel cat is okay. Angel is a tad too rough for my taste.

Onyx: I’m a fairly docile cat, so I get along with everyone until someone *cough cough Angel* gets too rough or growls at me first.

Patches: The other cats are okay. I’m not a fan of too much action, so I try to avoid them at times.

Onyx

We hear that you live with a lot of humans. Do you get enough space to do cat things like sleeping in sun puddles and watching cat TV through the windows?

Angel: Luckily the blonde girl likes blankets and soft stuffed animals, so there’s plenty of nap spots. Sadly, there is limited access to windows, though I can always climb the curtains and watch special episodes of cat TV.

Spaz: Yes, I get to spend most of my day lounging. In between attention time and meals, of course.

Maya:I have a table that is right under a window, so I get a decent amount of time  doing cat activities.

Onyx: When I’m alone I do. However, when other cats or people are around, I prefer their company to lounging.

Patches: I certainly do. My favorite spot is on the kitchen table, where the sun shines directly.

Angel

Do you have a favorite human or do you think they’re all annoying?

Angel: My buddy is Ryan, AKA the big gamer dude, although Blondie “Victoria” is tolerable. But the other two fight a lot, and lock me out of their room at night, so nip to them.

Spaz: My human is Ryan. Everyone else is good for pets, dish refills, and nothing else.

Maya: Melissa is my human, and by extension, that means I’m stuck with Jeremy as well.

Onyx: Victoria is my primary human- she makes the best piece of human furniture. The others are okay, but I don’t want to share my human, so that rules them out.

Patches: Jeremy is cool. He remembers to feed me at night, at the very least.

What do you like to do with your human? Do you get enough time doing it?

Angel: I love to climb him, and we play hide and seek a lot. He also likes to play chase me away from the wire toys his TV offers. Aside from that, his lap is pretty comfortable. I don’t think we do it enough, but he insists two or three hours is enough with his work and family schedule.

Spaz: I like to watch YouTube videos with him, and receive cuddles. Also, lately, I’ve enjoyed seeing how loud I have to meow before he replies.

Maya: I like to see how long they can hold their breath by sticking my tail and/or butt on their faces. Also, I like rearranging their room under Jeremy’s supervision. I don’t get to do it as much as I sleep, though.

Onyx: I like to train her on dish refilling times and different types of cat cusines, especially those from a trash can. I also love cuddling and riding on her shoulders. Sadly, she has to spend eight hours at “work” to keep me in kibble. Aside from that, I’m usually around her.

Patches: I like to bowl with objects on the kitchen table. I’ll knock them over, wait for him to fetch them, then knock them over again. We do this every night!

What’s your favorite game/toy?

Angel: I have a little blue Mousie I found in Spaz’s cache that I love, and I also have a squeaky mouse that keeps Ryan up at night. Also, the humans brought home pizza one night, and there was a really neat white triangle in the box that I adore.

Spaz: I have a boa toy Ryan and I play with that I love.

Maya: I like wires and balls with bells.

Onyx: I like climbing, And I’m a fan of string.

Patches: Aside from bowling, I like those plastic bags Walmart has.

Spaz

Do you have a pet peeve/something that really annoys you?

Angel: I’m not a fan of being told no. Also, when I’m roughhousing with Onyx, Blondie doesn’t need to intervene. Onyx likes being choked.

Spaz: I hate sharing. My food, toys, water, litter and human are MINE!

Maya: No one shall pick me up, unless they’re looking to donate to the Maya blood bank.

Onyx: I don’t like being woken up. Also, once I claim an area, it’s quite rude to try and move me.

Patches: I don’t like being forced to move. My comfort obviously exceeds a human need.

Any nip-heads in the house?

Angel: Unless nip is synonymous with mashed potatoes or bacon, not me!

Spaz: I’m a sucker for Temptation treats, but not nip by itself.

Maya: Not me, that’s for sure. I’m about as picky as they come.

Onyx: Nip is okay. I’d rather have a cookie or cupcake.

Patches: Not that I’m aware of. Although I’ll eat anything, so I’m not a good one to ask.

Does anyone like human TV, computers, phones or some other “human” gadget?

Angel: I like the wires that come with them. The TV wires and phone chargers are the best.

Spaz: I like the phone, since it plays my YouTube videos.

Maya: Not me, because that takes attention away from me!

Onyx: I like sitting on the phone when it’s warmed up from being used. Same with the computer. Also, I like watching Ryan play his video games.

Patches: Nah, they make too much noise.

Anything you’d like to add?

Angel: I really wish humans could interpret our meows properly. A low grumbling mewl does not mean pick me up and coo “awe, such a sweet kitty”! Also, human legs make the best scratching post- and their socks are awesome toys.

Spaz: Always respect the calicos- we’re the most beautiful and the smartest.

Maya: Plus sized kitties are just as lovable as little kittens. Also, don’t mock your cat if she’s skittish- Skittles is not a feline approved nickname.

Onyx: Black cats are not bad luck! I’m sure a of the black cats out there with a bad rep were just upset from having to wait for a food dish refill or something equally as awful.

Patches: I don’t understand why humans leave breakable glasses on my bowling field if they want them kept whole. I know the glass would look better shattered. Also, why can’t I eat plastic bags? It’s good enough to hold my food, but not to eat? Weird.