5

House Hunting in Cheeseland – Part 2

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Muffy and Biff were looking for a place to live together. Their first day of looking had not gone well. You can read about it here. Muffy had been doing most of the research, and she was getting discouraged. They were on their way to look at more places.

Muffy: I can’t believe how hard this is. I must have spent three hours looking at pictures on KittyConnector and another two hours talking to our realtor Drusilla. She is so frustrating.

Biff: What do you mean?

Muffy: She has certain places she wants to sell, and I keep telling her I know what we want. I hope we find something today.

Drusilla is standing in the parking lot of her office when they arrive.

Drusilla: I’m glad you made it. I know you’re frustrated Muffy, but it takes a while to find the perfect spot.

They get into Drusilla’s car and take off.

Biff: Where are we going today?

Drusilla: I know you guys want something with a lot of windows. This place has a view of Critter Lake. It’s close to shopping and the price is really good.

Muffy: That sounds nice.

Drusilla pulls up in front of a row of townhouses. Biff looks around.

Biff: I don’t understand how this place can have a view of the lake. Those houses across the road are actually on the lake.

Drusilla: Let’s go inside and see what it looks like.

Muffy: Seems like a waste of time.

Biff: We’re already here. Let’s look around. Maybe there’s still a view.

They go inside and look around. It looks nice but the windows look directly on the houses across the street.

Drusilla: I think I found the view!

Muffy: Ooh! Let’s see.

Drusilla: If you look directly out the last window, it lines up with a break in the houses across the street.

Muffy: That is not lake view.

 Biff: What else do you have?

Drusilla: It’s an apartment in town.

Biff: That might be okay. It would be close to everything we might need. Let’s go.

They pull into a parking lot downtown and walk to the apartment. It’s on Main Street, and there are shops up and down the street.

Muffy: It does have a good location. Let’s see what it looks like.

Biff: This is really nice. It has real wood floors and windows all across the front. It gets a lot of light.

Muffy: It has enough space for an office and a game room. I think it has definite possibilities.

Suddenly, there was a crash and the sound of breaking glass. The cats all jumped.

Muffy: What on earth was that?

Drusilla: That’s the downstairs tenant.

Muffy: Are they fighting?

Drusilla: No. The apartment is above a small restaurant.

Muffy: What kind of small resBifftaurant?

Biff (looking at his cell phone): It’s above Dino’s Sports Bar. They’re open until 2 am every night.

Muffy: That’s a definite no for me.

Drusilla: All I have left is an upstairs apartment just north of town.

Biff: We might as well look.

Muffy: This has not been a good day.

Biff: One more place won’t hurt.

Muffy: I guess.

They pull up outside a large house. There is a large bear on the porch. She comes down to meet them.

Bear: Welcome! My name is Chloe, and I own the house.

Drusilla: Hello. These cats are here to look at the apartment. I apologize. I didn’t realize you were a bear. Are you looking for a bear tenant?

Chloe: Not necessarily. My husband is gone, and I have this very large house. I just want some company once in a while. (She looks at Muffy and Biff.) Are you interested in looking at the apartment?

Biff: I don’t mean to be rude. Do you eat cats?

Muffy: Biff! Don’t say that. You’re embarrassing me.

Chloe (laughing): That’s okay. I am a rather large bear. No, I don’t eat cats. I’m pretty much a vegetarian these days. Although I do like fish when I get some. Come inside and look around.

Muffy: You have a beautiful home, Chloe.

Chloe: Thank you. Here are the stairs to the apartment. It also has a private entrance at the back of the house.

She led them upstairs. Muffy and Biff looked around and were speechless. On one side of the apartment was almost entirely glass including a sliding glass door to a balcony. The view was a field and a forest beyond it. There was a full kitchen with plenty of room for entertaining.

Drusilla: What do you think?

Muffy: We want it. when can we move in?

All pictures created by Gemini AI.

24

House Hunting in Cheeseland

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Muffy and Biff had been together for about two years and decided they wanted to move in together. They were making a list of what they were looking for.

Muffy: We need lots of windows for sun puddles.

Biff: And close to shopping. I might need to make a late-night kibble run.

Muffy: Close to our families.

Biff: But not too close.

Muffy: What’s that supposed to mean? I love my family.

Biff: I know. But we want to be independent.

Muffy: Hmmph. It needs to be affordable.

Biff: Do you know what part of town you’d like?

Muffy: Not really. But I’d like to be close to a milk bar. And maybe a yoga studio.

Biff: Okay let’s see what’s available in KittyConnector in our price range.

They found several places that looked like possibilities. They contacted a KittyConnector agent and set up an appointment for the following weekend. They met at her office.

Biff: Hi, we’re Muffy and Biff. We have an appointment with Drusilla.

Drusilla: That’s me. I booked the places you are interested in. Ready to go?

Muffy and Biff followed her out and got into her car.

Drusilla: Let’s start with the furthest place and work our way back to the office. The first stop is the place on Cranberry Lake. It’s a beautiful location. Lots of space and plenty of small animals to keep you entertained.

Muffy: It seems to be taking a lot of time to get there. Are we even in town anymore?

Drusilla: Technically, it is within the town limits. We’re here!

Muffy: There’s no house here. It’s just a barn.

Drusilla: Plenty of cats live in barns. Just look at the view.

Muffy: I am not living in a barn. Let’s move on.

Drusilla: All right. The next stop is an apartment on Willow Road. It’s a high-rise on the river. It’s close to everything and gets excellent reviews from the tenants.

Biff: That sounds better. Let’s check it out.

They took an elevator to the tenth floor, and walked into the available apartment.

Drusilla (reading from a brochure): This place has several really nice features: in-apartment washer and dryer, sunken bathtub, and built-in vacuum system.

Biff and Muffy looked at each other in confusion.

Muffy: Why would a cat want any of those features? A built-in vacuum sounds terrifying.

Drusilla: Those aren’t intended to attract cats.

Biff: So who lives here?

Drusilla: It was built for humans, but anyone can live here.

Biff: How many of the apartments have humans in them?

Drusilla: It says approximately 85%.

Muffy: Let’s get out of here. I’ve been afraid of humans since a small human pulled my tail. Really hard.

Drusilla: Okay. On to the duplex on Maple.

Biff: Sounds good.

They pulled up to a beautiful house with lots of windows. The location was good too. Before they could get out of the car, one of the door opened, and two dogs came out. The dogs were having some sort of fight, with lots of snarling and bared teeth.

Muffy: Who are they? Are they moving out of the flat we’re interested in?

Drusilla: Umm, no. That   is currently empty. The dogs would be your neighbors.

Biff: In the same house? Sharing walls?

Drusilla: That is correct.

Biff: Not interested. What’s next?

Drusilla: The rental on Concord.

They arrived at a big, old house. It was well maintained. Biff and Muffy were hopeful as they got out of the car, and rang the doorbell. A large, fluffy calico opened the door.

Calico: Hello.

Drusilla: Hi. My clients are interested in the space you have for rent.

Calico: Welcome! I’ll show you the room.

Biff: Room? Isn’t it an apartment?

As they walked through the house, they saw a group of cats working on a puzzle in the front room. There were also a few cats in the kitchen.

Calico: No, we don’t have apartments. Everything is communal, except the sleeping quarters. We divide everything else up.

Muffy: So we wouldn’t really have our own space?

Calico: No, we don’t believe in individual property. You would have chores to do for the greater good.

Muffy: That’s just weird. Cats don’t like to share.

Calico: You really don’t seem like a fit for our commune. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Muffy and Biff left the house feeling very dejected. Nothing was even close to what they were looking for. There had to be a better way to find somewhere to live.

Next week: The search continues.

All pictures generated by Gemini AI.

34

Onyx: Tails from the New Front

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Onyx here. And I have some… interesting… news. My human brought home a kitten.  A little black, white, fluffy ball of terror. She calls him Lightning. So far, he’s better than Thunder. (Thunder is the tabby who looks like a smaller Sgt Stripes.) But barely. She didn’t even ask me. Just disappeared with the cat carrier and came home announcing “Onyx, this is Lightning.”

*

No “hey, can we bring this intruder in?”, no extra treats or cuddles, not even extra kibble. But he’s not entirely bad. He’s kind of cute. And he’s less annoying than Thunder. Here’s what the first two weeks of Lightning have been like: 

Week 1:

— A small puffy creature arrives. He smells funny and he squeaks. But he’s cute (not as cute as me). 

–This puff plays with everything- his tail, my tail (not cool!) Thunder’s tail (pretty funny)… wrappers, rubber bands… it’s endless

–He really, really likes Pounce. Not sure how I feel about this. 

–Thunder does NOT like him. Serves her right. Now she sees how it feels to have an annoying little sibling. 

–He’s not litter trained! Horrors of all horrors! How disgusting! 

–He’s  eating my food… but so does Thunder… 

Week 2: 

— I’m starting to like this spunky little puff… he shares the food dish with me! 

–He is litter trained! Miracles do happen! And his litter box is cleaner than the one I share with Thunder. Score! 

–Maybe I don’t like him… he doesn’t understand hisses.  

–Nah, he’s okay.  He also cuddles. 

–Ewww…. he likes swimming in the human litter box… ewww…

–He steals MY human at night!!!! Major strike!!! 

Overall, I rate him a 6/10… pretty high if you ask me. I still think being an only cat would be better, but I prefer him to Thunder. Mom says we’re BFFs but I think she’s full of it. I’m only being nice to him until I get to know him better. 

Notes from the Editors – We apologize for being behind in visiting. We lost both power and the Internet this past week. Additionally, some of your blogs will now only open in Firefox (we have a Chromebook) and some will only open in JetPack (only on our mobile devices).

23

The Gator Family vs The Homeowners’ Association – Conclusion

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Where we are: Uncle Stu Alligator organized a group of animals to go to the Homeowners’ Association (HOA) Board Meeting to protest violations they had received on their lots. He may have been a little too successful. The gathering had frightened the board members into locking the doors and telling the animals that their requests for review had to be put into writing. Disappointed, the animals returned to their homes. If you missed the beginning of the story or the middle of the story, you can catch up here and here.

Stu and Amanda had invited Stan, Adele, and the girls over for a barbecue on Saturday.

Justine: What happened with your protest, Uncle Stu?

Stu: Can you believe we scared the board members so they wouldn’t even let us talk?

Justine: That’s not fair! The last time we were here, they told you that you had to go to the meeting.

Stu: I know that. I think it’s because it’s run by that Erskine Weasel. He won’t even look at me when we’re out at the same time.

Suzy: The board is run by a weasel? Who else is on the board?

Stu: Let’s see. There’s a cow, a goat, a gerbil, and a jackrabbit.

Justine: Uncle Stu, I know that we’re civilized gators and don’t eat our neighbors. But those animals all sound rather delicious.

Stan: Justine! Are you suggesting Uncle Stu eat the board members?

Justine: Not at all. I’m just thinking that a big, strong alligator like Uncle Stu might look threatening to them. Especially when he had all those other animals with him.

Stu: That’s ridiculous. I only eat meat that has been ethically sourced.

Amanda had gone out for the mail.

Amanda: Stu, you might not want to laugh. We just got a letter from the HOA Board.

Stu: What does it say?

Amanda: “Dear Neighbors, After much discussion and thought, the board of the Orchard Bluff Homeowners Association is resigning. In light of the kerfuffle at our most recent board meeting, we do not feel safe being responsible for enforcing the agreed-upon rules. We will be holding an election at the next board meeting. Sincerely, Erskine J Weasel.”

Justine: Wow. He really is a weasel. Someone stands up to him and he runs away.

Amanda: Can they do that? How will we find a new board in less than a month?

Stan: I was looking into the agreement you and Stu signed. It says that board members must give 60 days notice if they resign before their term ends.

Adele: I suppose fear of being eaten is probably considered an extenuating circumstance.

Stu: Who do you suppose will be dumb enough to try and run this place? Oh, well. Time for the food.

It became clear over the next couple of weeks that the only thing the neighbors could agree on was that they hadn’t realized how different they were from each other. They liked each other well enough as neighbors, but they didn’t want anyone telling them what to do with their houses or yards.

The next board meeting was extremely well attended. This time there were no signs or chants, just an edgy group of animals.

Erskine: I now call this meeting to order. Janelle, will you please read the agenda for tonight?

Janelle: There are only two issues on the agenda. First, the acceptance of the current board’s resignations. Second, elect a new board.

Erskine: Very well. We will conduct business by voice vote. All those in favor of accepting the board’s resignations, say “aye.”

There was broad approval.

Erskine: Those opposed.

A few voices were heard.

Erskine: We’ll now open the floor to discussion of the candidates.

Bucky Beaver: I nominate Stu Gator for President of the board.

Stu shook his head vigorously, but no one seemed to notice.

Eddy Black Bear: I agree. Let’s vote.

No one knew if it had been prearranged or not, but Stu won by an overwhelming voice vote.

Stu: I really appreciate it, everyone. But I’m not cut out to run the HOA. I need a list for more than one thing at the supermarket.

Adele nodded. It really didn’t sound like a good idea. But the crowd was sure. They quickly found four other animals to round out the Board.

Stu: Okay. If you insist. Let me talk with the new Board members for a few minutes, and we’ll get things started.

He went into a small room with Ziggy Iguana, Seth Sheepdog, Bucky Beaver, and Talulah Tabby. They emerge a few minutes later, nodding in agreement.

Stu: The Board and I came to a unanimous agreement. We’re throwing out the old agreement. The new agreement is much easier to keep straight. You can do what you want to in your backyard as long as it doesn’t move into your neighbors’ yards. In the front, it’s still no lawn ornaments, no rusting vehicles or vehicles without wheels, and nothing invasive that’s going to be moving to your neighbors’ yards without permission. We’ll be writing it up and sending it out in the next few days.

Voice from the Crowd: What will you guys be doing?

Stu: We really don’t know. We’re going to go through the by-laws and see if there’s still a role for us. If not, we’ll be dissolving the Board. Now let’s all go to Sally’s Sundaes. We can use some of the fees the HOA has been collecting.

All pictures generated by Gemini AI

20

The Gator Family vs the Homeowners Association – Part 2

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Where we are: Following an inspection from their Howeowners Association (HOA), Stu and Amanda Gator have received citations for seven violations. Apparently a new board was recently elected, and they want to focus on keeping the subdivision as uniform in appearance as possible. Stu was furious. He talked to some of his friends and neighbors. All of them had complaints.

Josey Black Bear: Did you know they have rules against having dead wood in your yard? We can’t teach our kids how to make a decent den without branches and trunks.

Eddy Black Bear: Yeah. We’re not supposed to dig holes in the yard either.

Stu: Not even your backyard?

Eddy: , That’s what they said. They’re dangerous and detract from the aesthetic of the neighborhood.

Stu: What’s that supposed to mean? It’s a subdivision full of animals. We’re not supposed to act like animals?

Josey: Rumor has it that the new president of the HOA used to live near humans and that’s where he got the idea.

Bucky Beaver: I guess you heard that we have to take down our dams. They’re considered an “eyesore” by the HOA.

Stu: What do they want you to have instead?

Bucky: They suggested we take out a permit to put in a fish pond.

Stu: You guys don’t eat fish, do you?

Bucky: No, we don’t. But it wouldn’t matter if we did. The pond is only for looking at, not for raising food.

A few of the neighborhood ladies stopped by to talk to Stu.

Germaine Gazelle: They told me I’m only allowed to have two colors of flowers in my garden.

Stu: Which two?

Germaine: They don’t care as long as there’s only two.

Cindy Calico: And no flowering shrubs.

Stu: Why not?

Cindy: I’m not sure, but all shrubs need to be green.

Stu: they told me I wasn’t allowed to have more than two.

Cindy: That’s right. One on either side of the door. They don’t want the front to look cluttered.

Pauline Poodle: They are making us paint or side our house a new color. They don’t allow forest green.

Stu: I don’t think they want anything that’s not living to be in green. What colors do they allow?

Pauline: White, beige, and brown. And only red brick.

Jeffy Zebra: And they won’t let me hang the flag from my school anymore either.

Stu decided that they needed to do something. He sent a message to the homeowners’ chat page telling them to meet at his house on Tuesday so they could march to the meeting together.

Amanda: I don’t know, honey. It sounds like the goat might be right. We did sign the paperwork.

Stu: The paperwork was drafted by a human for humans. That weasel in charge is trying to force us to do things that are against our nature.

Amanda: You don’t need to call him names.

Stu: I’m not calling him names. His name is Erskine Weasel. And he used to live with humans. So he has their weird ideas about how we relate to nature. Just because we live in a subdivision like humans do, doesn’t mean we have to act like them. Are you with us or against us?

Amanda: You know I’m always with you.

It was an hour before the meeting, and no one had shown up. Stu was pacing around, getting nervous. Bucky Beaver was the first to arrive, followed by the bears and the cats. By the time they left, there were thirty families represented. As they marched down the street, the waved signs and shouted.

Stu: What do we want?

Animals: Freedom to be animals!

Stu: Whose houses?

Animals: Our houses!

Stu: Whose rules?

Animals: Our rules!

Stu: Who decides?

Animals: We decide!

Erskine Weasel had heard that there might be a few unhappy homeowners at the board meeting. He asked the members to arrive early so they could strategize. The board met for an hour before the start of the meeting. The members were the inspectors Maxine Cow and Effie Goat, as well as Jimmy Gerbil and Janelle Jackrabbit. They were all administrative types, not eager for confrontation. They heard noise outside.

Jimmy: What’s all that noise?

Erskine: Let me see.

He opened the door.

Erskine: Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness gracious.

Maxine: What’s out there?

They all got up to look. They saw a large group of very angry animals coming towards them.

Jimmy: I did not sign up for this. My job is to organize potlucks and bingo.

Janelle: My job is to take notes at meetings.

Maxine: We all agreed to enforce the Homeowners Agreement. We knew there would be some unhappy animals.

Effie: Not this many and not this angry. What are we going to do?

Erskine pushed everyone back inside and locked the door.

Erskine: They need to put their requests in writing. This meeting is now closed-door.

They could hear the angry animals on the other side of the door.

Next week: Will Orchard Bluff become an orderly, uniform subdivision?

Images are AI-generated using Google Gemini

21

The Gator Family vs The Homeowners Association

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Stan, Adele, and the Girls were visiting Uncle Stu and Amanda. They were sitting on the back deck overlooking the basking pool. 

Adele: This really is a beautiful place. I love the landscaping.

Stu: Thank you. Amanda is very talented.

Amanda: We did it together. We’re really lucky to live here. The Homeowner’s Association (HOA) here is very relaxed about what we can put in. The last place I lived, they were very strict with the rules.

Stu: That reminds me. You should see what the beavers a couple of streets over did. They put in some dams and waterfalls. It’s very relaxing.

Suddenly, there was a voice from the front.

Voice: Hello? Hello? Is anyone home?

Amanda: Maxine, we’re around back.

A cow and a goat came around the house. The cow spoke.

Maxine: Good afternoon, gators. I hope all is well. Effie and I are here to do our inspection for the HOA.

Amanda: What kind of inspection?

Effie: We’re just doing a tour of the neighborhood to make sure everything’s in compliance with our rules.

Amanda: We’ve been here over a year. Why are you doing it now?

Effie: The Board realized that we’ve been a little lax in enforcing our rules. Some of the residents are taking advantage, and we need to get things under control.

Maxine: You should have been expecting us. We sent out letters and emails.

Amanda: We haven’t gotten any messages.

Effie: Let’s see. They were sent to gatorguystu@animail.com.

Stu: That’s me.

Amanda: Let me see your phone, Stu.

She scrolled through his mail. She found a folder labeled “House”.

Amanda: Why are the messages in the House folder?

Stu: I put anything I get about the house in there, in case I need it later. I must have forgotten to read them before I filed them.

Effie: This won’t take long. We just need to look around outside and make notes about anything that doesn’t meet the rules.

Stan: What happens if something doesn’t meet the rules?

Maxine: It will need to be removed or replaced.

Stan: Even if no one has a problem with it?

Effie: Those are the rules. They signed the agreement.

Stu: Can you ignore what’s here now and we can follow the rules going forward?

Effie: Unfortunately not. There is entirely too much diversity in the yards here in Orchard Bluff. We want to present a coherent picture of who we are.

Stu: But this yard is who we are.

Maxine: But that’s not necessarily what Orchard Bluff is.

Maxine & Effie walked around the property taking notes. When they finished, Maxine gave Stu a list of things that needed to be changed. He was in shock.

Amanda: How long do we have to make these changes?

Effie: The entire neighborhood needs to be up to standard in 90 days.

Stu: Who do we talk to if we don’t agree with the changes.

Maxine: There’s a board meeting in two weeks if you want to appeal the changes. But the board has decided that we need to standardize the appearance of the subdivision.

They left and the gators looked over the list

  • Grass is higher than three inch maximum in the backyard
  • Unauthorized flag hanging in front
  • Unapproved pool in back yard
  • Unauthorized house accent color (green) 
  • Unauthorized flowering shrub
  • More than two shrubs
  • No rock gardens

Stu: This is outrageous! Alligators need long grass to lie in.

Justine: I can’t believe you can’t fly your Gator Nation flag.

Adele: And no alligator green on the house.

Amanda: It’s not a real pool. It’s just for basking.

Stu: What did they say? The meeting’s in two weeks.

Amanda: If we want to challenge anything. I don’t think it will do any good. We did sign the agreement.

Stan: What are you thinking, Stu?

Stu: I think it might be time to start organizing the neighbors.

Next week: The HOA Board Meeting

Pictures AI generated.

17

A CatForce Job Applicant

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Cat On Computer - Marin Humane

Archie was tired of living at home. He wanted to get his own place so he could get away from the new batch of kittens and all the rules his mother had. He wasn’t really what he wanted to do with his life. A buddy of his had found a pretty good spot as rodent control at a bakery. He told Archie to try CatForce.

Archie looked at the website: CatForce: Cats and Humans Working Together. Hmm. Barney hadn’t said anything about all of the jobs being with humans. He decided to give it a try.

So why do cats like laser-dots?. A scientific verse+video mashup, by… | by Organic Bandwidth | Real/Digital Hybrid Living | Medium

Step 1: Building your profile. That looked simple enough. The first section was easy: name, address, and contact information.

Step 2: What experience do you have? Archie thought. He didn’t have any experience working with humans.

Step 3: What skills do you have? General cat-type skills: hunting, pouncing, excellent at laser tag.

Wet Cat In The Rain Free Stock Photo - Public Domain Pictures

Step 4: List three strengths: patient. (Rats! Why didn’t Barney tell him how hard this was going to be?) persistent, tidy

Step 5: List three weaknesses: can sleep anywhere (maybe that’s a strength?), don’t like rain, short attention span (sometimes; if it’s not about me)

Then the questions.

Purr-manently confused! Tilly the cat looks forever perplexed

On a scale of 1-10. how much do you like humans? Maybe 5? I don’t know any.

Do you want to work inside or outside? Inside. I don’t like bad weather.

Do you want to work days or nights? Either

Petting Aggression: Why Cats Bite the Hand They Love & What to Do (Vet-Approved) - Catster

Do you want a place to live on your job site or go home at the end of your shift? Depends on the job

Do you have any record of attacking humans? No.

Thank you for answering all of the questions. We are working on a list of the types of jobs you would match with as well as a list of jobs we would not recommend for you.

Recommended: Shop Cat, Library Cat, Factory Cat

Not Recommended: Barn Cat, Farm Cat, Lap Cat

Would you like to see open jobs in your Recommended categories? You can choose See More to look at details or Pass to remove it from your list of opportunities. Isn’t the point of answering all the questions? Yes, I want to see the jobs.

Cat smells owner's foot and retches – Michael Broad

Rodent Control Acme Feather Company – See More (maybe there will be birds there)

Rodent Control Nick’s Shoe Emporium – Pass (ugh; naked human feet)

Rodent Control Nikki’s Noodle House – Pass (I don’t like noodles)

Why Your Cat Likes Sleeping on the Bed With or Without You | PawTracks

Greeter Suzy’s Shake Shack – See More (sounds like there might be ice cream)

Quality Control State Street Spring and Mattress – See More (getting paid to sleep = cat Nirvana)

Display Model Cats and More – See More (possibly another sleeping opportunity)

CatForce processes the information and presents the following job descriptions:

Rodent Control Acme Feather Company – Become a valued member of our team. The Acme Feather Company has been creating cat toys for over fifteen years. The bins of feathers need to be protected from the teeth of the rodents in the warehouse. Excellent pay with top-of-the line benefits. Do you want to set up an appointment? Archie set up an appointment for Tuesday afternoon.

Greeter Suzy’s Shake Shack – Our apologies. The Health Department has required us to remove this posting.

Maine Coon vs mixed-breed short haired cat size comparison : r/interestingasfuck

Quality Control State Street Spring and Mattress – Looking for someone to join our mattress testing team. The ideal candidate will be able to sleep on demand and give feedback on the quality of the mattress. Benefits include our state-of-the-art snack bar and competitive pay/benefits. Do you want to set up an appointment? Archie chose a spot on Monday morning.

Cat furniture by CatsPlay - CatsPlay Superstore

Display Model Cats and More – You know us from our unique cat trees and kitty condos. Be a part of our sales team. Work in the showroom demonstrating how comfortable our products really are. Excellent employee discount program. Vacations and health benefits programs. Do you want to set up an appointment? Archie chose Monday afternoon.

I Bought a GIANT CAT TREE and My Cats Loved It!

Follow-up: Archie went to all three interviews. He chose the job at Cats and More. The humans were really nice and the products were extremely comfortable. The Acme Feather Company position was overnight, and Archie was afraid he wouldn’t be able to stay awake. The job at the State Street Spring and Mattress involved sleeping with strange humans. Archie was uncomfortable with the whole idea.

Why Do Cats Sleep So Much? Common Feline Sleep FAQs

Non-AI pictures courtesy of Google Images

27

Behind the Scenes at CatForce

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Confused Cat Face

Thomas Tabby has started a new software platform, CatForce, to match working cats with humans who are looking for some feline assistance. The site was intended to allow humans to post positions and have the cats look for something that interested them.  There was a bit of an unforeseen issue with the actual communication between the humans and the cats. While most cats are fluent in human, it is extremely rare to find a human who understands the language of cats.

Cats of the Call Center : r/midjourney

After some research, the CatForce Help Center is using AnimalTongue Cat as a translation tool. The human fills out the form describing what position they are trying to fill, the form is translated into Cat, and CatForce staff decides whether they will accept or decline the position. If a posting is declined, the human can contact the help center to make modifications to the posting. All communication is handled through CatForce Chat. Here are a few examples:

Katy: Thank you for using CatForce. What order number will we be chatting about today?

Human 1: I’m not sure. I only have one request.

Katy: Have you submitted a job description?

Human 1: Yes. And the email said it was denied.

45 Cat Cry Laptop Royalty-Free Images, Stock Photos & Pictures | Shutterstock

Katy: There should be an order number on that email.

Human 1: Can’t you just use my name? Or email or something?

Katy: Unfortunately, our system sorts by order number. You should have received it when you first placed your request. It would have been on the denial email too.

Human 1: I want to talk to a human.

cat and computer Tag - Palm Press

Katy: I’m sorry, but this is a cat-owned business. There are no humans here.

Human 1: That’s ridiculous. Aren’t your managers human?

Katy: We are proudly 100% cat owned and operated. Unfortunately, I can’t assist you if you don’t have your order number.

Human 1 disconnects.

Can Cats Understand TV? - Wag!

Jiminy: Thank you for using CatForce. What order number will we be chatting about today?

Human 2: 125-303

Jiminy: Thank you for that information. Am I chatting with Jonelle Jones?

Human 2: Yes, you are. I want to know why my posting was rejected.

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Jiminy: It says that you are looking for a Cheshire cat. We aren’t certain what type of cat that would be and what the job would entail.

Jonelle: You don’t know about Cheshire Cats? They can make themselves invisible and move without anyone seeing them.

Jiminy: I don’t know anything about that type of cat.

Jonelle: You must know about them. They’re in a book.

The Real Cheshire Cat – Anitha Rao-Robinson

Jiminy: Are you referring to Alice in Wonderland?

Jonelle: Yes, that’s it. I need one of those cats to keep my children entertained.

Jiminy: I’m sorry, but that wasn’t a real cat. We can’t create a job request for something that doesn’t exist.

Jonelle: Are you sure?

Jiminy: I’m afraid not. Have a pleasant day.

Why Do Cats Like To Walk & Sit on Keyboards as Much as They Do? - Cats.com

Jonelle: Can you tell me where Wonderland is? Maybe I can find one myself.

Jiminy: I don’t think that exists either.

Jonelle: That’s unfortunate. Good-bye

They disconnect.

Buttercup: Thank you for using CatForce. What order number will we be chatting about today?

Human 3: 130-267

Buttercup: You are David S and you are looking for guard cats?

David: Yes, that’s correct.

Buttercup: What do you want the cats to guard?

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David: My house.

Buttercup: How many cats are you looking to hire?

David: I think two. One for the front door and one for the back door.

Buttercup: Cats generally aren’t used for home protection. Are you sure about this?

David: I want big cats. Maybe tigers. Or panthers.

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Buttercup: CatForce works with domesticated cats, not wild animals.

David: Are you sure that you won’t have any big cats?

Buttercup: That is definitely not our target market.

David: I’m very sorry to hear that.

He disconnects.

It’s break time and the cats get together to discuss the strange humans they’ve been chatting with.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

19

CatForce: A Thomas Tabby Initiative

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You may recall that Thomas Tabby was elected as Liaison to the Humans in 2024 as the Tabocracy candidate. He has been working on a major project with the humans. His spokescat, Sgt Stripes, is ready to make the big announcement. 

Sgt Stripes: Greetings everyone. Thank you for joining us today. We have very exciting news. We are going to roll out the CatForce. It is a joint venture with the humans to help cats find the right job for their skill and personality. There are a lot of mouser and customer service jobs in the human sector that are going unfilled. And we have a lot of cats who are looking for the right position.

Ginger: You’re not talking about those “working cat” positions are you? That system is really degrading. The humans just grab cats off the street and put them in a barn or something. They say that they are helping the “feral cat” population. A lot of those cats end up separated from their families.

She is enjoying being pampered. Throwback to January 2020. How was this 5 years ago? Watch story for more spa day. @the_cat_named_carrot @erin_merryn #swipeleft

Sgt Stripes: Actually, that is an excellent point. Thomas was getting complaints about humans not really taking the cats’ rights into account when they put them to work. Our human contact, JD Katz (gotta love his name), was actually willing to work with us to find a solution that works for everyone.

Suzette: Humans understand that we don’t all want to work, right? Some of us are used to a life of leisure and don’t want to be forced to work in a grain silo.

Stripes: I don’t think there’s any danger of family cats being forced to work.

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Brutus: What exactly is CatForce?

Sgt Stripes: It’s a new system where cats can look for jobs that the humans want filled.

Brutus: What kind of jobs? Would we have to live in a human neighborhood?

Sgt Stripes: We don’t have many humans here in Cheeseland. I would think that most of these type of jobs would require relocation.

Domestic Shorthair Cat Facts | ASPCA Pet Health Insurance

Sydney: It sounds like most of these jobs would be entry-level, stereotypical cat jobs. Things like rodent control, greeting customers, and inventory control.

Sgt Stripes: There will also be a section for humans who would like a feline companion.

Ginger: Oh. Like a housecat. My grandmother was one of those. She said it was actually a pretty good life. They had a few disagreements about who was in charge, but it was a nice, secure way to live.

Barn Cats! Yea or Nay! – Welcome to The Hearty Hen House

Pickles: Who is running this system?

Sgt Stripes: The humans are putting it together. They will be putting the job descriptions in there. Then we cats can decide what jobs we want to apply for.

Frankie: Will there be any jobs there that don’t involve humans?

Sgt Stripes: No. The focus will be entirely on the cat-human sector of the job market.

How Google and Cats Rekindled Research Into Artificial Intelligence - Business Insider

Frankie: Who’s going to make sure the jobs are legitimate? I don’t want to take a job that ends up with me becoming some small human’s toy.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t think that’s really a danger. But I’ll find out exactly how much control the cats have in this agreement.

Wilfred: Do you know how many jobs will be posted?

Sgt Stripes: Thomas is pretty excited about this. He and JD want to start small to get all the problems ironed out. But they are hoping that every cat in Cheeseland who has an interest in this type of job will be able to find a match.

Computer Cats Finally Get Theirs | Tifosi Optics

Wilfred: Does it cost anything?

Sgt Stripes: It is entirely free for the job-seeker.

Brutus: I want to try it out. Where do I sign up>?

Next week: Early impressions of CatForce.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

12

Update from Forest Dreams Hibernation Lodge

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You may recall, that last fall we left Marva and Barney at Forest Dreams, a lodge offering hibernation space. It offered lodging from October through April, promising that the rabbits who run would make sure that no one was disturbed while they were sleeping. Barney wasn’t too sure about staying at a lodge, preferring to just find a nice den to settle into. But Marva’s friend Dolly assured her that Everyone was hibernating indoors now.

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They checked in at the beginning of November. Barney was worried that they would be the only bears going there because most of the animals checking in with them were much smaller animals: marmots, woodchucks, and hedgehogs. However, when they were shown to their den, he realized that most of the bears had arrived earlier and were already settled in.

Dine Like A Black Bear At Nature Center Friday

After spending several days at the all-you-can-eat buffet, Marva and Barney settled in for the winter. He had to admit that the climate-control was nice. No worries of being woken up too early by an unseasonable warm spell. They planned to stay until late March when things should be warming up.

Unfortunately, they were woken up by a commotion in the corridor. Barney was not pleased when he stumbled to the opening in their compartment.

Barney: What is all that noise? Don’t you know we’re trying to sleep in here?

He looked around. The place was full of woodchucks.

Marva: What’s going on?

Barney: The place is full of woodchucks.

Groundhog Control - Varment Guard Wildlife Services

Marva: I know we’re in the bear section. Why are there woodchucks?

Woodchuck: Because it’s Groundhog Day, ma’am. We all get up on February 2 to go outside and decide whether it’s time to get up.

Barney: Why are you here?

Woodchuck: We discovered that we’re going to have an early spring. We thought we should spread the news.

A curious brown bear standing up.

The bear in the new den over came out.

Bear: Young man, that is a terrible idea. I recommend you get out of our section of the lodge before someone decides to eat you. I know there are a few Grizzlies around.

Woodchuck: Okay. Okay. Just trying to keep everyone informed. You don’t have to be beastly about it.

He led the rest of the woodchucks out of the hallway.

Marva and Barney snuggled back up and slept for a few weeks. Then there was a pounding on the wall of their den. They tried to ignore it.

Loud Voice: Pizza! I have your pizza!

Marva decided she should probably go out this time. There was a yak standing in the hall with a pizza box.

Marva: Why are you yelling about pizza? We’re trying to hibernate. Nobody ordered pizza.

The Secret Life of Sleeping Bears - FOUR PAWS in US - Global Animal Protection Organization

Yak: Let me see. One extra-large vegetarian, no sauce. Delivered to Ruda at Forest Dreams. Nobody was at the front desk, so I decided I should try to find her.

Marva: You are in the middle of a bunch of sleeping bears. You do not want to be here.

Yak: She already paid. I gotta find Ruda and give it to her.

Continental Giant Rabbit — Peak Wildlife Park

Barney started to growl from inside the den. The yak looked a little nervous.

Yak: You guys wouldn’t attack a delivery yak, would you? I’m just following orders.

A large rabbit jump around the corner. It was Ruda.

Ruda: You were supposed to leave that at the front desk.

I've fed my bun bun pizza once… – Open Diary

Yak: There wasn’t anyone at the front desk.

Ruda: It’s in the instructions. “Leave at front desk.”

Yak: I’m not allowed to leave without handing the pizza to someone. I can’t just leave it at the desk.

Ruda: Well you can’t be back here annoying the guests. They’re here for the hibernation season.

Adult Female Grizzly Bear And Cub Sleep - Canvas Wall Art | Adam Jones

Yak: I am very sorry to have interrupted your sleep Mr. and Mrs. Bear. Sweet dreams.

Marva returned to bed. Barney was shaking his head.

Barney: I’m not doing this again. Those rabbits are worthless at keeping down the noise. Maybe we should go to whatever section Dolly is in. She’s the one who recommended this place. She must know all the tricks.

Marva: Actually, Dolly’s not here.

Barney: Why not?

Marva: The year she came, they were all woken up by some little human girls trying to sell them cookies. Hungry bears and Girl Scout cookies were not a good combination. The girls were fine, but the cookies were a total loss. She’s not allowed back.

Barney: We should have eaten the pizza.

Buddy's Pizza feeds animal-friendly pizzas to polar bears, wolves at Detroit Zoo | WLNS 6 News

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.