10

Humans in Cheeseland

Image result for puzzled mice

We recently received an email that we found a little puzzling. The writer was a human who accused us of not paying appropriate attention to people in our writing.

What puzzled us wasn’t the question. Rather it was how they had found us in the first place.

Generally speaking, there are only a few people who would go to a blog that openly proclaims that it is edited by mice. For some reason, there is a prejudice against mice in many parts of the human world.

Additionally, it seems to us that there are enough magazines, blogs, videos, and so on dedicated to humans. There are magazines for potato farmers, croquette players, and lighthouse keepers, and everyone else (it seems).

Image result for german shepherd

However, humans are mammals. In light of our non-speciest pledge, we decided to speak with this person. We sent Lexi, our language specialist.

Lexi: Welcome to Cheeseland. I’m Lexi.

Human: Hello, Lexi. I’m Charles. Thank you for meeting with me. I hope you don’t mind that I brought along someone to document our meeting.

Lexi: I guess not. Why is he wearing protective gear?

Charles: I was hoping to meet someone a little more, um, exotic.

Lexi: Really? Like what?

Image result for crocodile

Charles: I was thinking a crocodile or hippo.

Lexi: You realize that we’re not in Africa, don’t you?

Charles (embarrassed): I didn’t think I was going to be meeting with an actual animal.

Lexi: Excuse me?

Charles: You know. A non-human. I thought this was a gimmick for some type of animal rights group. You are an actual dog, aren’t you?

Image result for confused german shepherd

Lexi: Of course I am.

Charles: You wouldn’t mind me touching you just to make sure, would you?

Lexi growls.

Charles: OK. Don’t get excited. Just let me talk to the humans who work here.

Lexi: What are you talking about?

Charles: You know. The people who write the articles.

Image result for cat at computer

Lexi: Have you actually read Cheeseland?

Charles: A little. You don’t expect me to believe that cats and a mongoose and an elephant write articles do you?

Lexi: Why not?

Charles: What do they do? Use their furry little paws to type? And their furry little brains to think?

Lexi growls again.

Charles: OK, OK. Let me see the newsroom. I can decide who to talk to there.

Image result for cat writing

Lexi: Fine.

They walk down the hall and enter the newsroom. There are a few cats, a couple of dogs, a hedgehog, and a couple of ravens.

Charles: Very funny. A room full of animals making a bunch of noise.

Lexi: This is the newsroom. And these are the reporters. The editors are next door.

Charles: There aren’t any real computers in here.

Lexi: Those are real computers. They have voice recognition technology instead of keyboards. That way we don’t have to use our “furry little paws” to type.

Image result for gentle cat

Charles: Let me talk to one of the reporters. I want that cat over there.

He points to a gentle-looking mixed breed. Lexi talks to her.

Lexi: Dar, this man would like to speak to you. He has the strange idea that we’re all humans dressed up like animals. You’ll have to listen carefully, he has a very thick human accent.

Dar: Hello. My name is Darlene. How may I help you?

Charles: Will you please take me to the humans who are running this place? I don’t understand all the animals running around thinking they’re people, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

Image result for animal as human meme

Darlene: Why would we think we’re people? We’re happy the way we are.

Charles (frustrated): Just show me any human.

Darlene: We don’t have humans, just other species.

Charles: There has to be a person somewhere.

Lexi: The only human we know is Cat. She pays for the blog.

Charles: I knew it! Take me to her office.

Image result for animal in office

Lexi: She doesn’t have an office. She doesn’t live in Cheeseland.

Charles: Fine. I’ve had enough. You get all of this, Willy?

Willy: Yep. But people are never going to believe it.

Charles: That’s OK. It’s not fake, so they’ll know there’s something weird out here.

Charles and Willy returned home. They posted the video to YouTube and waited for the response. The only comment they got was “???”. When they looked at the video again, all it showed was Charles talking and a German Shepard barking. Then Charles talking and a cat meowing.

Image result for animal in office

Advertisements
8

Cat Forum: Seriously, Human?

Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. We’ve been going through our correspondence and noticed a trend. A lot of cats are wondering why their humans ask such silly questions. The short answer is: we have no idea.

However, we have come up with some possible answers. Which one you use will depend on your level of cattitude. If you have better ideas, let us know and we’ll share them in a later.

Image result for cat clawing meme

Does kitty want snuggles?

  1. Don’t you remember our snuggle appointment is 2:30 am? I’ll let you know if I’m available other times.
  2. Don’t ever wake me up to ask that question again.
  3. I suppose. But remember: it’s a favor because I love you.

Image result for cat and dog meme

Fluffy, do you like the new puppy?

  1. Can you return it?
  2. I suppose he can stay if you can get rid of the smell.
  3. Oh good! You finally got me the servant I’ve been asking for. I hope he’s easier to train that you were.

Image result for cat with food meme

Don’t you love the new, all-natural, low-fat food I got you? You look slimmer and sleeker already.

  1. It tastes like wood, and I’m starving to death.
  2. I’ve been feeding it to the dog, and I’m starving to death.
  3. I hope you enjoy the chunks I put in your soup so you can appreciate the “interesting, non-carnivore” flavoring.

Image result for cat and mouse meme

Why did you put a mouse in my slipper?

  1. I thought you might want a snack in the middle of the night.
  2. You are the worst hunter I have ever seen. I wondered if you could find a mouse if it was right under your nose.
  3. I thought it would make a nice storage facility for my back-up snack supply.

Image result for cat clawing meme0.2

Will you please stop clawing the chair?

  1. No.
  2. I’m bored. I’ll stop if you buy me a hamster.
  3. In a few minutes. I’m almost done.

Image result for cat and treats meme

Why are you always begging for treats?

  1. I want to get rid of these ones so you’ll buy the kind I like.
  2. I’m starving.
  3. I like the way you look when I keep coming back. And your voice gets funny-sounding too.

Image result for cat at door meme

Why are you standing at the back door?

  1. I want to go out, and it was raining when you opened the front door.
  2. I want to go out to see if they delivered my package back here.
  3. I let the puppy out. I’m waiting to see if he comes back.

Image result for funny cat and dog memes clean

Why did you whack the dog in the nose?

  1. He looked at me.
  2. He looked too peaceful sleeping there.
  3. It’s a game I invented.

Image result for cats and cameras meme

Why won’t you let me take your picture?

  1. You don’t respect my privacy when I’m bathing.
  2. You never pay me for posing.
  3. You always have that thing in my face. Even when I’m sleeping.

Image result for angry cat meme

Why are you mad at me?

  1. You made me wait for breakfast while you used the bathroom.
  2. You smell weird. You were around other cats.
  3. You bought that icky litter that stinks and sticks to my paws.

We hope these suggestions are helpful. Just remember, some human qualities are just too strange to understand. Like why they get mad if you sleep on the kitchen counter but think it’s cute if you sleep in the sink.

Just remember: A snuggle and a purr will get you out of pretty much anything you do. Your “cute” face usually works too.

Purrs and Head Bonks,

Snoops and Kommando Kitty

 

18

Family Feud for Cats

Image result for cat playing games

Some of you may know that there is a TV game show in the U.S. called Family Feud. It has two families compete against each other by guessing the results of polls the show has taken. What most of you do not know is that there is also a version of the game for cats.

Host: Hello. I’m Maggie Moggy, and welcome to Family Feud for Cats!

(Wild applause)

Image result for maine coon cat

Maggie: Tonight, we welcome the Maine Coons

(Fans of the Maine Coons applaud and scream)

Maggie: Who will be competing against the Norwegian Forests.

Image result for norwegian forest cat

(Fans of the Norwegian Forests are equally loud)

Maggie: Does everybody know how to play? Each team has one representative at the buzzer. Whoever buzzes first gets to answer the question. Their team has a chance to guess the rest of the category for one point. If they are wrong, the other team gets to guess the answers.

(The teams nod)

Maggie: There are three questions and the top three answers for each question. Whoever gets two points first goes to the Bonus Round for a year’s worth of fresh fish and 50 pounds of Royal Gourmet Cat Kibble.

Let’s have the first two contestants come forward. Put on the eyeshades to block out the distraction of the red lights on the cameras.

Image result for clumsy dog

Here’s the first question: What’s the first thing you think of when you hear the word “dog”?

(The Norwegian Forest hits the buzzer)

NF #1: Drool.

Maggie: That’s right! The first thing cats think of when they see the word “dog” is drool.

(Loud cheering)

NF #2: Easy to train.

Maggie: Yes! That’s number three. What is the second most common thing cats think of when they hear “dog”?

NF #3: Clumsy.

Maggie: That’s it! The Norwegian Forests win the first point!

(She waits for the cheering to die down. The second player from each team walks to the buzzers)

Image result for cat sleeping in sun

The second question is “Where is your favorite place to sleep?”

(The Norwegian Forest is the first to hit the button again.)

NF #2: In the sun.

Maggie: Yes! That was the number one answer.

NF #3: On my human.

Maggie: You’re right! The Norwegian Forests are only one answer away from the Bonus Round.

(Their fans wait quietly for the third answer.)

Image result for norwegian forest cat

NF #4: With my furry siblings.

Bzzzt

Maggie: I’m sorry, that’s not in the top three. Maine Coons, what’s your answer?

(Mixed groans and cheers from the audience)

MC #2: The human’s bed.

Maggie: Yes! Now it’s one point for each team. The winner of the next round will go to the Bonus Round.

(She waits while the third player from each team walks to the buzzers.)

Image result for cat chasing laser

Maggie: The third question is “What is your favorite thing to chase?”

(This time the Maine Coon is faster.)

MC #3: Mice.

Maggie: Yes! That’s number three.

MC #4: The red dot.

Maggie: Correct! What’s the final answer?

MC #5: Toy on a string,

Image result for cats celebrating images

Maggie: The Maine Coons are going to the Bonus Round! The Norwegian Forests will each receive a twenty-pound bag of Imperial Princess Natural Non-Clumping Cat Litter for participating.

(Loud clapping and cheering continue as they go to a commercial break. Maggie and the Maine Coons are onstage when we return.)

Maggie: You need to choose one player for this round. I will ask a question with the top five answers. The chosen cat will need to come up with three of the top five in 30 seconds or less.

(After a brief discussion, MC #3 steps forward.)

Image result for cat and dog memes

Maggie: The question is, “What is the dumbest thing your human has ever done?”

MC #3 (thinking): Got a dog, forgot to feed me, tried to hide the catnip.

Maggie: Congratulations! That’s right! The other two answers were “give me a bath” and “try to feed me cheap/diet food”.

(The Maine Coons are surrounded by friends and family as the show goes off the air.)

Image result for cat playing games

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

15

Cat Forum: Ask Snoops and Kommando

We get all types of questions from readers of our blog. Today we thought we would share a few of them with you.

 Image result for cat grass

Dear Snoops and Kommando, I want to get my girlfriend a special gift for her birthday, but she’s already said that she doesn’t want a dead animal. Can you believe it? Any ideas?

It sounds like she doesn’t want a traditional gift. However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have options. We recommend something personal. Girls like her tom making her dinner. Maybe a nice salmon patty or beef shreds. You could still use the mice for kebabs or a nice protein for a salad with cat greens. Catnip tarts are always a winner for dessert.

Image result for costumes for cats

Dear Snoops and Kommando, My human keeps trying to get me to dress up in human clothes. Then they take pictures and post them. It is totally humiliating. What can I do?

We recommend the direct approach. If you find the outfit before they put it on, wet hairballs are a good option. They don’t look as suspicious as using the clothes as a litter box.

If the clothes are sprung on you, try to get away to someplace hard to get at or too small for them to come after you. With a little luck, they will give up trying to catch you.

It should always be a last resort to fight with your human. They are the keeper of the treats. However, extreme squirming is acceptable. Make it as hard as possible.

If all else fails, hide once the outfit is on. It’s much better for them to tell their friends that you were a fashion fail than have those pictures circulating on the Internet.

Image result for children chasing cats

Dear Snoops and Kommando, My human keeps letting small humans into our house. We have our own small humans who are rather sweet (and good for getting us treats). However, these visitors are miserable little creatures. We do not like being held in sticky hands or chased around the house. They do not listen to our little humans. What do we do?

Do not, under any circumstances, hiss or try to claw the little monsters. You will get in trouble with the large humans. Our first idea is to stick around your human mom or dad when they come around. Any good human cat parent will protect you from grabby hands.

A cat tree or shelf is also a possibility. If you have an outdoor enclosure, head for that. Hiding under a bed will usually do the trick. (Make sure you’re in the middle where short arms can’t reach.) The key is to try to stay out of their sight.

Image result for cat chasing dog

Dear Snoops and Kommando, Our humans brought home a dog. It is huge (and smells awful). It wants to play with us. How do we deal with it?

First off, be grateful that it doesn’t want to be alpha animal. Some dogs come into a house and need to be taught that cats rule the roost.

It is a good idea to be as friendly as possible. Large dogs are useful in reaching things you cannot. And they can be blamed for all sorts of things.

Dog aroma is usually not too bad once you get used to it. A good way to adapt is to sleep in his bed whenever possible.  If the smell is excessive, the humans will force him to take a bath.

It’s fun to chase the dog rather than let him chase you. Whatever you do, protect your food.

Image result for cat high five

Dear Snoops and Kommando, we hear that your blog recently celebrated its fifth anniversary. Congratulations!

Thank you very much, but the celebration is much too early. It is true that Cat registered the blog five years ago. But in our opinion, it was rather pathetic. Very human-centric and total lack of focus.

We actually took over the blog in July of 2015. If you look at it before and after that date, you will notice a marked difference. We have improved the content, standardized the publishing schedule, and drawn in more followers.

In other words, animals rule!

Image result for animals

 

30

Cats of the World, Unite!

Image result for cats in group

We have obtained a copy of the meeting notes from the Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference of June 19, 2018. We are printing it for all cats who are planning to join Cat World Domination Day on June 24. DO NOT let your humans see it.

Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference

June 19, 2018

Chicago, IL

Image result for human serving cat meme

Murray: I hereby call this Special Conference to order. Before we get started on the main topic, are there any questions?

Herb: Are we going to be violent in this takeover? I don’t like violence.

Murray (patiently): No, Herb. I’ve explained this to you before. The point of Domination Day is to get the humans to do more for us, not to eliminate the humans.

Image result for feral cat

Janis: Are we going to include the ferals?

Murray: We’ve reached out to as many of the ferals as we can. A large number of them don’t want to have anything to do with humans. We have gotten commitments from some of the younger ones.

Mike: Have we tried bringing the dogs on board?

Image result for dog and human meme

Murray: I thought it was a waste of time. They don’t mind being subservient to humans.

Mike: Good point.

Murray (looking around): Any more questions? Then I’d like to present our speaker, Tabitha Tux.

Image result for long haired tuxedo cat

Tabitha: Thank you for having me, Murray. I’d like to speak a little about the goals of World Domination Day and then give some pointers. The goal is not to force humans to do our will. We want them to think it’s their idea. It’s not going to be accomplished in one day.

Sunday is really the kick-off for an ongoing campaign. Some lucky cats will see results in a few days, but others may have to wait months.

Image result for frustrated cat

Toni: How will we know if we have a hopeless human?

Tabitha: All humans are trainable. The trick is finding the right motivator. It may even be necessary to wait for breakfast.

(gasps from the audience)

Tabitha: You won’t usually need to go to such extreme measures.

Image result for cats on strike meme

Murray: So how do we train them?

Tabitha: First you need to soften them up. If they have no interest in learning to hunt, stop bringing them prey. If they hate you fighting with your siblings, make a temporary truce.

Joe: Does this include cuddling on demand?

Tabitha: It might. I know it’s awful to be picked up while you’re trying to sleep, but remember the goal.

Image result for human hugging cat

Joe: what’s the goal?

Tabitha: You want them to give you a special treat or privilege. Once you get the treat, continue your training until getting the treat is a regular occurrence.

For example, if you love chicken and try to get a piece every time it’s served, try being patient. Chances are the human will tell you what a good kitty you are and give more chicken than you would have stolen.

You will need to work on one behavior at a time. You won’t be able to sleep in their bed at the same time you get to have a catio.

Image result for herd of buffalo

Murray: All of this sounds like it’s going to take a long time.

Tabitha: It will take a while. But cats are a patient species. Also, humans are herd animals. If one person builds a catio, there is a good chance that the neighbors will try to build a better one.

Remember, humans didn’t get to this point of trainability overnight. It will take some work to reach the final goal.

(Enthusiastic applause from the audience)

Image result for cat applause

Murray: Any final words of encouragement, Tabitha?

Tabitha: Remember, Sunday is for time with your human. You can talk with your buddies on Monday.

Murray: Thank you for joining us. Tabitha will be here for a while to answer your individual questions.

(More applause. A line immediately forms to talk to Tabitha.)

Image result for cat with sign

 

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

 

22

Have You Hugged Your Stuffie* Today?

Image result for stuffed animal toys

*For some reason, stuffed animals are referred to as stuffies in many places online.

Snoops: Mom read us The Velveteen Rabbit. All about a stuffed rabbit who was loved very much by a little boy. The rabbit told the story. It was pretty good.

Kommando: Yeah. Except for the creepy horse.

Snoops: What creepy horse?

Kommando: The skin-horse. The boy had a dead horse in his bedroom.

Image result for stuffed horse toys

Snoops: Moving right along, it made us wonder what the stuffed animals around here were thinking.

Kommando: We were going to interview them, but they wouldn’t let us.

Snoops: That’s because you tried to eat the tail off the opossum. And you tried to chew on a few others.

Kommando: He has a long tail. It looks like a toy.

Image result for stuffed opossum toys

Snoops: So we went to Lexi, our interpreter and dog-around-town.

Kommando: They wouldn’t talk to her either.

Snoops: Apparently dogs tear stuffies to shreds.

Kommando: So we did a survey. The results are below:

Image result for stuffed animals on shelf

Biggest Fears

  1. Not being adopted
  2. Being chewed up

Image result for stuffed animals in bed

Likes

  1. Being cuddled
  2. Sleeping in bed
  3. Clean, fluffy fur

Image result for stuffed animals in washing machine

Dislikes

  1. Drool
  2. Bodily fluids
  3. Washing machines/dryers

Image result for stuffed animals bears

Additional Comments

“If you are going to put us on a shelf, take us off once in a while and fluff our fur. Otherwise we get dusty and don’t feel clean.”

“We really like being hand washed and fluffed dry.”

“Don’t make us sleep on the floor. We get stepped on.”

“Don’t let dogs get near us. They chew on us, rip us up, and don’t have any respect for us.”

“Clean us right away if your child (or you) gets something nasty on us.”

“We don’t like to wear perfume or cologne.”

Image result for stuffed animals with child

“We don’t mind losing our looks if it’s from being loved.”

“Thank you to everyone who takes us home and loves us.”

Snoops: Those all make sense.

Kommando: I guess I should find the opossum and apologize.

 

 

 

18

Animal Playground Forced to Close

Image result for park closed

“It seemed like such a good idea at the time, said Marcus Fox. “After all, animal playgrounds have worked in other cities. Why wouldn’t it work here?” Mr. Fox is part owner of the Templeton Animal Park and Fun Fair. He and his partners are shuttering the park at the end of the month due to skyrocketing maintenance and insurance costs.

Image result for foxes

We decided to walk around the park ourselves to see if things were really as bad as they sounded. They were. And the cause was easy to understand. Most animal parks are built in developed areas for domesticated animals; usually smaller species. Templeton, to put it politely, is in the middle of nowhere.

Image result for bears in pools

Because of it’s location, the park attracted all types of wildlife. Once the bears took over the swimming pool, the only animals who weren’t afraid to use it were the otters. Apparently pool filters aren’t equipped for bear fur, because they clogged every few days and needed to be replaced. And bears do not like chlorine, so keeping the pool clean required a full-time attendant.

Image result for moose on ice

The moose wanted to try out the skating pond. The problem was that moose are heavy and are known for either breaking through the ice or slipping and not being able to get off by themselves. Either way, they have to be rescued, and that is really expensive.

Image result for animals on snow

Image result for animals on snow

Cats are usually a good source of income for the parks. It allows them to go outside and play in a safe environment. But they left once they saw the bears. Apparently bears don’t use parks as much as cats, so it was a significant drop in revenue.

Image result for beavers

The beavers were absolutely adorable and loved the park. Until someone realized they were chewing down all the young trees. They were using the wood to create a dam which ended up flooding the meadow. The rabbits and deer didn’t want to visit a park that didn’t have a meadow.

Image result for merry go round meme

The small dogs went wild over the merry-go-round running track. But then some of the bigger dogs wanted to try it. One of them got stuck and had to be rescued. The owners wanted to put a size restriction up. But the insurance increase was too much, and they had to close down the ride. The dogs started boycotting the park.

The loss of the dogs was the end of the park. Without the large number of cat and dog memberships found at other parks, there wasn’t enough money to keep things running. Word is that the closure is good news for the wild animals. They thought there were too many restrictions at the park.

Image result for group of winter wildlife

Pictures courtesy of Google Images