13

Snoops and Kommando: Mensis Horribilis

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Normally, we wouldn’t interrupt a story (Mom would make us wait.), but we’re really stressed and she agreed to make an exception.

For any of you who are too young to have missed the Roman Empire (Mom says that’s lots of you), the title means “Horrible Month.” And we’ve had a horrible month. Technically, it’s three human weeks, but that’s a looong time in cat time.

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Our human sis-fur finally got married on September 26. We were NOT invited. That was probably OK. They didn’t serve anything we would have wanted to eat, and it was full of humans. And loud music.

That’s not the bad part. The bad part was that Mom and our human bro-fur were both away from home for TWO nights. No one to snuggle with. We could have starved. They didn’t even leave a phone or computer so we could talk to our friends (or order from Amazon).

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But that’s still not the worst. Sis-fur and husband have four cats. And guess who had to open their happy home to them during the TWO-WEEK honeymoon? That’s right, us! Mom says she tried to warn us but we wouldn’t listen.

Snoops: She’s crazy. I definitely would have made reservations at a cat spa.

Kommando: Right? How does she think we would have forgotten that?

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Snoops: Two weeks ago, we’re relaxing in the living room getting ready for our afternoon naps, when there’s crashing, and crying, and meowing, and humans in our dining room.

Kommando: I ran for cover. I thought we were being invaded.

Snoops: You hid for two days. The humans were going nuts, thinking you were lost. I didn’t tell them you were just being a scairdy-cat. I wanted to run those cats off.

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Kommando: Yeah. That would have happened. You’re tough with mice, but I bet those cats would’ve run you off.

Snoops: Did you get a look at them? They’re those small-boned, sleek ones. I bet I make two of them.

Kommando: Maybe. But the humans all say you’re the sweetest cat they’ve ever met. All you do is fluff and growl.

Snoops: Yeah. And Mom won’t even let me do that. She’s stuck us upstairs until they finally leave today.

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Kommando: It’s not so bad. We don’t have to worry about them eating our food or using our litter boxes. And Mom still sleeps with us and cuddles. There’s plenty of room up here to roam around.

Snoops: But they’re in OUR house. If they don’t leave tomorrow, I’m going to sneak downstairs and show them who’s boss.

Kommando: Right. I’ll get the camera and bandages ready.

Snoops: Grrr.

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(Note from the editor: Snoops and Kommando are showing no signs of stress. They are getting bored.)

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

9

Cat Forum: Food Musings

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here. Welcome to this month’s Cat Forum. We are going to talk about the distressing habit humans have when it comes to naming their food.

It started when Mom and our human brother went to Stratford, Ontario, to see a play. They said they were also going to a cat café. We were a little distressed at first. Sushi bars serve sushi, and oyster bars serve oysters. Mom explained that they were visiting cats, not eating them. They got to cuddle cats and sit with them, so all was good. Although they did smell a little weird when they got home.

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But it got us to thinking about how strange human minds are sometimes. Mom has a recipe for Cats Head Biscuits. We were mortified. She was going to cut the head off some poor cat? Well, no. It’s just a big biscuit that’s supposed to be big as a cat’s head because of the flour they use.

There are a lot of other foods that sound like someone’s eating parts of animals when they’re not. We can’t figure out the names. We’re meat eaters, and they aren’t even the tastiest part of the animal.

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  • Beavertails – fried dough stretched to resemble a beaver tail (Canada)
  • Elephant Ears – fried flattened dough, topped with melted butter, cinnamon and sugar (North America)
  • Monkey Bread – pieces of sweet dough covered with cinnamon, sugar, butter, and pecans, baked in a pan then pulled apart and eaten (Hungary)

And what’s the deal with buffalo wings and chicken fingers? Everyone knows that buffaloes don’t have wings and chickens don’t have fingers. If chickens did have fingers, they’d be disgusting. Have you seen what they do with their feet?

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  • Buffalo wings – deep-fried chicken wing section coated with a vinegar-cayenne pepper sauce
  • Chicken fingers – pieces of chicken breast meat that are coated and deep fried

We thought that ants on a log might be tasty. Do you know what that is? Raisins, peanut butter, and celery! No ants at all.

Welsh Rabbit? No rabbit, just cheese and bread.

Sweetbread? Not sweet and not a bread.

Mincemeat? No meat.

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Egg Cream? No egg and no cream.

Ladyfinger? No lady, no finger.

We could go on, but we’re tired.

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Now do you understand why we sniff everything you give us?

(We followed Mr. Google to British foods because, apparently, they have a lot of funny names. We can’t tell you. We couldn’t figure out which ones were food. If we go back, we’ll study the language first.)

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Mom wants us to apologize for not getting out to visit lately. It would have been her 30th anniversary last week, and she’s been useless not keeping up with things. We’ll apologize for her. We can’t do anything without her signing us in. So, it’s not our fault. But we have missed you.

12

Cat Forum: A Day at the Spa

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here. Thanks for joining us here for this month’s Cat Forum. Today we’re looking at the important issue of how you can de-stress after a hard day of supervising the neighborhood, hunting, and looking for the perfect napping spot.

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One of the best ways to relax is to get a massage. Some cats find a human to do this. If you are looking for a human, you need one who uses their whole hand. It feels like extremely good cuddles.

Some humans use their fingertips. They call it acupressure; we call it prodding. However, many cats report that after the prodding, they do feel a lot better.

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We prefer a cat-to-cat massage. No one knows where our stress points are better than another cat. And when they’re done, you don’t need to worry about being dumped on the sofa afterwards. You can just relax and take a nap.

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Some of you say ‘nip is relaxing. We don’t want to recommend it here, because it excites as many kitties as it relaxes. Of course, most kitties do fall asleep after the excitement. So, it probably is relaxing.

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If you do choose to relax with ‘nip, make sure you get it from a reliable trader. Some cats have reported finding oregano and other herbs mixed in. That is definitely not relaxing.

A couple of good, long stretches are good for relaxing. Remember to hold the stretch momentarily to get the most out of it. If you are an active hunter, you may associate stretching with hunting. In that case, we do not recommend trying to relax this way.

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Some kitties like to relax with music. We recommend something in the classical realm, with lots of soothing strings or piano. Do not listen to that current human music with the loud crashes and human yowling. It will cause you more stress than you currently have.

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If the source of your stress is a housemate, there are two ways to deal with it. Our preferred method is to chase them out of the area. Not only will the running help you de-stress, you no longer have to deal with the source of the stress.

The other alternative is to find a quiet space of your own. However, if you’re stressed because someone has invaded your quiet spot, you’ll need to have several back-ups. Pests can usually find you.

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 Last, but not least, is a nice, long nap in a warm spot. We recommend a blanket, a sunny spot, in front of a fire, or in your bed. Do not use a human lap. Just about the time you get settled in, they will decide it’s time for a snack.

Talking about all of this relaxation is making us sleepy. Purrs and snuggles from Cat Forum.

12

Snoops and Kommando: Literary Critics

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Snoops and Kommando here. Mom didn’t notice that there were five Saturdays in August, so she has an extra post to fill. And guess which very talented kitties came to the rescue? That’s right. So here we are. (We get to write more next week since it’s our regular week. Pretty exciting, eh?)

Anyway, we have decided that we would show you just how intelligent cats are. She and the young male human went to a place called Stratford, Ontario on Sunday to see a play called Henry the VIII.

Weird, huh? Seems like they should have seen the first seven Henrys before this one. Apparently, it’s like some of human TV. It really doesn’t matter where you start. It sounded pretty boring (also like most human TV). No cats (or even dogs) in the whole thing.

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But they did bring home one interesting item: Cat Poems, edited by Tynan Kogane. We had high hopes and began reading right away. Humans don’t write many books for cats. We were not impressed.

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Mujer by William Carlos Williams

Oh, Black Persian cat!

was not your life

already cursed with offspring?

we took you for rest to that old

Yankee farm, –so lonely

and with so many field mice

in the long grass—

and you return to us

in this condition–!

Oh, black Persian cat.

So, what’s the deal with this? Cats shouldn’t have kittens? Black Persian cats shouldn’t have kittens? We know there are currently too many kittens. But if no one had kittens, we’d run out of cats.

And what condition is he talking about? Is she pregnant again? Covered with dirt and prickly things? A dead mouse for dinner? We don’t like this poem. Let’s move on.

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She Sights a Bird by Emily Dickinson

She sights a bird – she chuckles—

She flattens—then she crawls—

She runs without the look of feet—

Her eyes increase to Balls—

 

Her jaws stir—twitching—hungry—

Her Teeth can hardly stand—

She leaps, but Robin leaped the first—

Ah, Pussy of the Sand.

 

The hopes so juice ripening—

You almost bathed your Tongue—

When Bliss disclosed a hundred toes—

And fled with every one—

This one starts out pretty good. We’ve all seen birds we want to catch. The cat gets all excited. Then loses the bird. Then something with lots of toes ran away. Who is Bliss? Why does she need one hundred toes? Not only did the poem disappoint us, it ended strange.

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We were going to tell you more poems, but most of them were really long. Or talked about dead cats or about old cats who were getting ready to die. Or were just too weird to even understand.

We decided that what the book needed was some poetry actually written by cats. We came up with a couple of ideas we think they should consider for the next version. They are much easier to understand.

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Mothers Ruin Everything

A mouse wandered out of a hole in the wall.

Two excited kitties raced quickly down the hall.

One came for the kill,

The other, the thrill.

Rats! They lost their prey, who heard his mother call.

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Mothers Ruin Everything – Part 2

The cats saw birds out the window pane.

They tried to get out; it was in vain.

The door they used before

Was shut to the floor.

Mom closed it when it started to rain.

See? Short. To the point. Easy to understand. If they’re going to write a book for cats about poetry, they should write ones that cats can understand them. We’re smart; people just don’t get how to communicate with us.

14

Cat Forum: It’s in the Stars

Snoops: Did you know that this time of year has a special name around here? It’s called the “Dog Days”

Kommando: Why? I haven’t seen any extra dogs wandering around.

Snoops: Nope. It doesn’t have anything to do with real dogs.

Kommando: Is it because it’s so hot that the humans lie around panting like dogs?

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Snoops: It’s because of a star called Sirius, the Dog Star. It’s easy to see this time of year.

Kommando: Why do dogs get a star? What about cats?

Snoops: We have Leo. It’s a bunch of stars named after a lion.

Kommando: OK. That works. So how long do these “dog days” last? It’s really hot.

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Snoops: Yeah. Lying under these fans all the time is hard on my fur.

Kommando: And I’m tired of shedding so much.

Snoops: Luckily, they’re almost over. They generally run from July 3 to August 11 in the northern part of the world.

Kommando: So, after tomorrow it won’t be so hot anymore?

Snoops: Afraid not. It can still be hot and sticky for a long time.

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Kommando: Rats. But that part about cats and dogs in the sky is pretty interesting. Are there other animals up there?

Snoops: I don’t know. Let’s look it up on the Internet.

Kommando: We can talk to Mr. Google, so we don’t have to worry about typing.

Snoops: Wow! Look at this. There are 88 constellations and 42 are named after animals.*

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Kommando: Some of those aren’t animals. Like birds. And fish. Seriously? They consider a fly an animal?

Snoops: Some of them aren’t real animals either; they’re make-believe.

Kommando: Let’s see what some of them look like.

Leo (Lion)

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Ursa Major (Big Bear)

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Taurus (Bull)

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Vulpecula (Fox)

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Kommando: Those stars don’t look anything like the animals. Humans are crazy.

Snoops: I guess it was nice of them to think of us.

Kommando: At least they have opposable thumbs.

All pictures courtesy of Google Images (except us)

* https://starinastar.com/how-many-animal-constellations/

Sorry  I’m late – I accidentally scheduled it for tomorrow

53

Cat Forum: Interview with Da Tabbies O Trout Towne

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Today we’re talking to some of our newest friends in blog-land, Da Tabbies O Trout Towne. We met the Da Tabbies earlier this year. They are a lot of fun, and we recommend that you go over and read about some of their adventures.

They are a little isolated over in Trout Towne and have developed a dialect of cat that is different than any we knew before (although it is similar to some surfer-cat dialects and Cajun cats). They have a unique way of looking at things, and we like them a lot. Dude K Mayor provided the answers below.

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Who lives in Trout Towne? 

current lee it be tuna of moon, mackerull boomer junior butter feeld, & dai$y queen of the run on sentence manee moonz ago dude K, sauce of fishbone, butter lover boomer o cat, and the perkolator lived heer but they bee livin large & in charge in heaven now

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What makes Trout Towne special? 

noe one noez wear itz at…inn cloodin uz

(1)

You all seem to hate birds. Is there a reason? 

ewe betcha, we gotta lot oh reezonz, two manee ree lee, but one important one iz they iz all wayz steelin R fishin werms

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How do you get to be mayor? 

well, gram paw dude waz named mayor afturr an electshunz… that had onlee one voter; hiz self

(2)

What do you like to do? 

sleep, chillax, eat, watch nayborz, sass chippeez & BURDS, cauz trubull, aggravatez de food servizz gurl bee coz we can, sneek online N vizit pals,  ore shop with de food gurlz card….then ree peet

(3)

Do you all get along well? 

yez & noe; dai$y iz act shoo a lee a cuzin,  N livez with de food servizz gurlz mom sew we due knot see her like in reel life, mackerull & me; tuna…. haza…. “ewe on R my last nerve kinda life” ….but mackerullz onlee 1 and me tuna, eye am 12 and reddy ta ree tire

(4)

Do you have to love fish to live in Trout Towne? 

knot reel lee… but it doez help if ewe like nite time better than day time;  coz in day time we sleep

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Are humans allowed? 

if they bee bringin canned goodz, kibble, ore fishin wermz….sure 😉

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 Are you cuddlers or loners? 

this questshunz hard ta answer coz all oh uz iz both;  but knot at de same time; ore de same day; N sum timez knot even de same yeer

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 Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?

sure. stop bye anytime, we all wayz haz hammicks out, foodz on de grill, anda force feeld we can tern on pron toe, if we see burd…incoming.  manee thanx two ewe snoops and kommando for lettin uz chill with ewe both two day…thiz waz fun !!

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The real tabbies o Trout Towne are the pictures with numbers. All other pictures are courtesy of Google Images
20

Cat Forum: What’s Your Sign?

Snoops and Kommando here. Welcome to another edition of Cat Forum.

Kommando: Did you know that humans have something called a horrorscope?

Snoops: What’s that?

Kommando: I’m not sure. I think it tells them when something horrible is going to happen to them.

Snoops: I think you mean a horoscope. That tells them what’s going to happen based on when they were born. It also tells them what type of personality people have. It’s based on where all the stuff in the sky is when they’re born.

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Kommando: Ooh. Cats need something like that. It could tell us whether we’re going to get good food or something yucky tomorrow.

Snoops: That’s not the kind of thing they use it for. They use to see if they’re going to fall in love or get a better job. Stuff like that.

Kommando: Oh. That’s too bad. Cats don’t need that.

Snoops: Cats do have certain traits based on when they were born.

Kommando: We don’t know when we were born, so it won’t work for us.

Snoops: Maybe we can look at the personalities and tell from that. Let’s see what it says.

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Aries (March 21 – April 19)

These kitties have a lot of energy. They are the ones who race around all the time and want to play with anything they find. They are the most prone to bringing their human a paw-caught gift.

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

These cats love to be indulged. They can’t get too much attention. They generally will eat whatever is put before them (and maybe even something that’s in someone else’s bowl). Many of them beg human food as well.

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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini is the sign for twins, and Gemini kitties have twice the personality in one cat. They have no problem communicating what they want and may have a whole vocabulary for getting it. These are the kitties who race around, get into things, then look innocent about the whole thing.

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Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer kitties are usually quiet and cuddly. And they want a quiet, cuddly environment. They are family-oriented and like to give affection as well as get it. Sometimes they look for their own quiet space to get away from things.

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Leo (July 23 – August 22)

These cats demand the most attention of any cat you will meet. They want to be the center of attention and get the most affection. They love playing with toys. They want lots of cuddles and love, and if they don’t get enough, they’ll come looking for it.

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Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgos are the ones who give cats their finnicky reputation. They want what they want and would prefer to have it now. They also want an extra clean bowl and litter box. Virgo cats are clean themselves, so don’t mess up the fur.

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Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Libra cats know they are the prettiest kitties around. They like to be noticed by humans and other cats. They are social, and want to be in the middle of everything. They pair well with Gemini kitties.

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Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio cats are intense and mysterious. They do not like their humans petting another cat. They are moody, changing from loving to aloof like a switch has been flipped. They like to hide and also to hide things. (Most likely cat to leave a dead mouse in a slipper.)

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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

These cats love a good adventure, and might even disappear for a day or two trying to find it. They are always on the lookout for something exciting to do or see. It’s best to keep breakable things and nervous humans out of their way.

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Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Capricorn cats prefer a one-on-one relationship with their human. They are used to getting what they want and like it that way. A favorite trick is to “persuade” their human that everyone will get a lot more sleep if kitty gets to sleep in the bedroom.

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Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Aquarius kitties are the ones with the unique tastes. That’s because they hate being bored. They want lots of entertainment all the time. Humans like them because they are the most likely to perform on command.

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Pieces (February 19 – March 20)

These cats are calm and affectionate. When they sleep, they look like they’re dreaming about catching mice and moths. These kitties know when their human isn’t feeling well and will give extra cuddles to make up for it.

Kommando: That was interesting, but I can’t figure out which one I am.

Snoops: That’s because you’re in a category of your own.

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Information is courtesy of Tarot.com: https://www.tarot.com/astrology/astrology-cats-zodiac

Pictures courtesy of Google Images