10

Snoops and Kommando: Mensis Horribilis

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Normally, we wouldn’t interrupt a story (Mom would make us wait.), but we’re really stressed and she agreed to make an exception.

For any of you who are too young to have missed the Roman Empire (Mom says that’s lots of you), the title means “Horrible Month.” And we’ve had a horrible month. Technically, it’s three human weeks, but that’s a looong time in cat time.

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Our human sis-fur finally got married on September 26. We were NOT invited. That was probably OK. They didn’t serve anything we would have wanted to eat, and it was full of humans. And loud music.

That’s not the bad part. The bad part was that Mom and our human bro-fur were both away from home for TWO nights. No one to snuggle with. We could have starved. They didn’t even leave a phone or computer so we could talk to our friends (or order from Amazon).

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But that’s still not the worst. Sis-fur and husband have four cats. And guess who had to open their happy home to them during the TWO-WEEK honeymoon? That’s right, us! Mom says she tried to warn us but we wouldn’t listen.

Snoops: She’s crazy. I definitely would have made reservations at a cat spa.

Kommando: Right? How does she think we would have forgotten that?

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Snoops: Two weeks ago, we’re relaxing in the living room getting ready for our afternoon naps, when there’s crashing, and crying, and meowing, and humans in our dining room.

Kommando: I ran for cover. I thought we were being invaded.

Snoops: You hid for two days. The humans were going nuts, thinking you were lost. I didn’t tell them you were just being a scairdy-cat. I wanted to run those cats off.

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Kommando: Yeah. That would have happened. You’re tough with mice, but I bet those cats would’ve run you off.

Snoops: Did you get a look at them? They’re those small-boned, sleek ones. I bet I make two of them.

Kommando: Maybe. But the humans all say you’re the sweetest cat they’ve ever met. All you do is fluff and growl.

Snoops: Yeah. And Mom won’t even let me do that. She’s stuck us upstairs until they finally leave today.

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Kommando: It’s not so bad. We don’t have to worry about them eating our food or using our litter boxes. And Mom still sleeps with us and cuddles. There’s plenty of room up here to roam around.

Snoops: But they’re in OUR house. If they don’t leave tomorrow, I’m going to sneak downstairs and show them who’s boss.

Kommando: Right. I’ll get the camera and bandages ready.

Snoops: Grrr.

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(Note from the editor: Snoops and Kommando are showing no signs of stress. They are getting bored.)

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

17

The Animal Rights Coalition – Part 3

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Where we are: The Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) tried to take a petition to a human council meeting, but were barred from entering. ARC wanted the humans to stop using animal names as insults. A guard took the petition and said that he would give it to council.

Two weeks went by before the animals received a letter from W. Charles Smith, President of the Council on Human/Animal Relations:

Dear Animals

We have received your petition listing your concerns about us using your names as insults. We appreciate your bringing this matter to our attention. I have assigned a committee to look into the matter.

Sincerely

W.C. Smith

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Julie Giraffe: Those rotten rutabagas! They’re just trying to get rid of us.

Roni Baboon: You’re right, Julie. They’re not going to do anything.

Chester Rabbit: I’m afraid you’re right. We’ll have to try something else.

Ralph Badger: Let’s dig under their building and let it collapse.

Benny Buffalo: No, let’s stampede them.

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Simon Skunk: No, we should sabotage their air filtration.

Chester: Calm down, everyone. That’s not going to make anyone happy. We need to work together.

Chrissy Calico: I don’t know what we can do. They don’t respect us at all. Remember what he called us? “Cute.” Humans don’t pay attention to “cute”.

Gregg Bear: OK, let me talk to them. They won’t think I’m cute and cuddly. I’m over 500 pounds of muscle and fur.

Ivan Tiger: I’ll go too. I can growl loud enough to scare any human.

Ralph: I guess that will work. But be polite. Otherwise, they’ll call you animals.

Chrissy: They are animals.

Ralph: I know. But humans use it as an insult.

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Gregg and Ivan walked over to the Council Hall and went in the front door. The receptionist looked up and asked if she could help them.

Ivan: Yes, thank you. We would like to see Mr. Smith, please.

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?

Ivan: No, we don’t. Please tell him we’re from ARC.

Receptionist (knowing there would be trouble if she let a bear and a tiger into the building): Mr. Smith doesn’t see anyone without an appointment.

Ivan: Please tell him that we won’t take up much of his time.

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Receptionist (beginning to get nervous): I’m sorry, but you’ll have to make an appointment.

Ivan: Please just ask.

Receptionist: All right. Let me check.

She called someone and said that there was a bear and a tiger to see Charles. No, they weren’t threatening. They were very polite. She listened, then hung up the phone.

Receptionist: Someone will be out shortly.

Ivan: Thank you.

Ivan and Gregg moved to the side of the lobby and waited. Before long, two security guards arrived.

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Security Guard: What seems to be the problem?

Ivan: There isn’t a problem. We just want to see Mr. Smith.

Security Guard: Didn’t the lady tell you you’d need an appointment?

Ivan: Yes, she did. We just need a minute of his time.

Guard: He won’t see you. You need to leave.

Ivan: Why won’t he see us?

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The guard didn’t want to tell them that Mr. Smith was afraid of large animals.

Guard: He can see whoever he wants.

Gregg: That’s ridiculous. Just let us past. We’ll find him ourselves.

Guard (nervously): You need to go now.

Ivan was getting irritated. He let out a low growl. Gregg took a step toward the guard.

Gregg: Now see here…

Guard: Leave this minute or I’ll call the police.

Gregg: Let us past you.

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The guard picked up the phone.

Guard: Yes, we need you at the Council Hall. There’s a bear and a tiger here. We need you to get them out of here. They’re meaner than grizzlies.

Gregg: I AM a grizzly.

Guard: I mean they’re madder than wet hens.

Gregg and Ivan looked at each other in disgust and stalked out the door.

Ivan: I guess we’ll have to get a lawyer.

He took out his phone and entered the number.

Voice: Sharkfin and Sharkfin, Attorneys-at-Law. How may I help you?

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12

The Animal Rights Coalition – Part 2

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Where we are: The Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) has decided that they need to send a petition to the humans telling them how offensive they found the use of animals in a lot of the human insults.

Douglas Gorilla was ready to read the petition that his group had put together to the rest of the members.

Douglas: We spent quite a lot of time putting this together and would like the input of everyone else to make it as good as possible.

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Dear Humans

We would like you to reconsider your usage of animal names in your insults. For example, “hairy as an ape,” is not considered an insult in our world. We would appreciate you not using it in such a manner either. There are many other examples of problem phrases.

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We feel that such insults stereotype us, generally in a negative way. You use “snake in the grass” to define someone who looks harmless, but can’t be trusted. Snakes live in the grass because that’s a logical place for someone to be who doesn’t have feet or legs. They only feel threatened if someone comes near. Humans with big feet and boots are especially scary to snakes.

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We would be happy to work with you to create a list of more appropriate insults at whatever time and place is convenient for you. We will provide a translator, if you like.

You may respond to carabbit@arcanimals.org, We look forward to hearing from you.

 Sincerely,

Animal Rights Coalition

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Douglas: We thought that everyone could sign so they know it’s a group effort.

Ida Hyena: I think it’s great. If I hear one more “laughing like a hyena joke,” I might have to bare my teeth in public.

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Jeni Dodo: I agree. We could suggest that they could just use “dumb as a rock,” rather than “dodo”, it would be great.

Chester: All in favor of sending the petition?

The result was unanimous. They decided that they would deliver the petition by hand/paw. Chester and Chrissy Calico were chosen so the humans wouldn’t feel intimidated.

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A few days later, Chester and Chrissy went to a human council meeting. They were stopped at the door.

Guard: This is a human meeting. No animals.

Chester: We just want to deliver a petition to your council.

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Guard: Let me check.

He called someone on his phone. Chester and Chrissy waited patiently. The guard explained the situation. They heard him say, “Actually, they’re pretty cute. Nothing dangerous at all.”

Guard: He said that you can’t go in, but I can take your petition and they will look at it after the meeting and get back with you.

Chester and Chrissy looked at each other. It seemed like there was no other option. They gave the petition to the guard.Image result for rabbit and cat

Next week: What will the humans do with the petition? Will they even look at it?

 

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

 

 

 

 

8

The Animal Rights Coalition

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Chester Rabbit called the quarterly meeting of the Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) to order.

Chester: Welcome everyone. We need to finish one item from our last meeting before we can move on to today’s agenda. We have to finish our discussion about how to address the human use of animal names as insults. The first thing we need to do is reopen the topic.

The animals started to talk among themselves. This item was very important to all of them and they were eager to get back to work.

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Buddy Squirrel: I move to reopen the topic.

Ralph Badger: I second the motion.

Chester: All right. How many in favor?

Paws and hands went up around the room.

Chester: How many opposed?

Dead silence.

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Chester: The motion passed. Ballou, please turn on the recorder.

Ballou Bear, whose mother was a huge movie fan, flipped the switch. It was so much easier to get started now that they could record rather than manually write down the notes. The simians had insisted on the purchase. They were tired of always being the ones to write.

Chester: The best way to start is to identify exactly what we mean by insults. Remember the rules: no talking over others, no arguing with someone’s ideas, and no intimidation. One idea per animal. If you choose to present multiple ideas, wait until after the others have had their turn.

The animals quickly lined up to speak:

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“catty/catfight” – Why is it that when two women say nasty things to each other it’s being catty? We’re not mean. But even worse, if they end up actually hitting each other, it’s a catfight? Everyone knows that most of us don’t fight, and if we do, it’s most likely the males.

“eat like a pig/act like a pig” – Where did we get the reputation that we’re sloppy and eat too much? We’re actually clean animals; we use the mud to cool off. And we don’t eat that much compared to what we weight. We’re this big because of the way we’re made, not because we eat too much.

“dog-faced/dog” – Why are we the standard for ugly? We’re just like every other species. Some of us are good looking, some not so much. But to classify all of us as ugly is just mean.

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“eat like a bird” – They say it like it’s some kind of eating disorder. We eat like we do because we have beaks. We can’t pick up a lot of food at one time. We eat all through the day; we need energy for flying.

“ugly duckling” – This insult is just rude. Why would you call someone’s child ugly? We know it’s because the baby swan didn’t look like the baby ducks, but that doesn’t mean it was really ugly.

“batty/bats in the belfry” – What makes us the standard for crazy? We fly at night, but so do owls, and they’re supposed to be wise. As far as hanging out in a belfry, it’s a good place to sleep. It’s high, it’s isolated, and the humans can’t get at us.

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“a leopard can’t change his spots” – Of course we can’t. That would be like asking them to change their skin. Why does that get connected to people who can’t change their bad habits? Our fur is not something that should be changed.

“big as a cow” – we agree with the pigs. Just because we’re made a certain way doesn’t entitle humans to use it to insult other humans. Maybe they should be more like us and just accept each other.

“badger someone” – We’re persistent and thorough. How did that get translated into a person who becomes offensive trying to make a point? It seems like they don’t even understand how any of us really are.

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The other animals all nodded in agreement.

Chester: I think that’s a good start. Now we need a few animals to draft our petition to the humans. Is anyone interested?

A bear, two gorillas, and a beaver all agreed to work on something.

Chester: Does anyone want to schedule an extra meeting for next month to decide what our next steps will be?

Douglas Gorilla: So moved.

Ballou: Second.

The motion passed.

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Next week: Do the animals think the petition is ready to go to the humans?

7

Cat Forum: Food Musings

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here. Welcome to this month’s Cat Forum. We are going to talk about the distressing habit humans have when it comes to naming their food.

It started when Mom and our human brother went to Stratford, Ontario, to see a play. They said they were also going to a cat café. We were a little distressed at first. Sushi bars serve sushi, and oyster bars serve oysters. Mom explained that they were visiting cats, not eating them. They got to cuddle cats and sit with them, so all was good. Although they did smell a little weird when they got home.

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But it got us to thinking about how strange human minds are sometimes. Mom has a recipe for Cats Head Biscuits. We were mortified. She was going to cut the head off some poor cat? Well, no. It’s just a big biscuit that’s supposed to be big as a cat’s head because of the flour they use.

There are a lot of other foods that sound like someone’s eating parts of animals when they’re not. We can’t figure out the names. We’re meat eaters, and they aren’t even the tastiest part of the animal.

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  • Beavertails – fried dough stretched to resemble a beaver tail (Canada)
  • Elephant Ears – fried flattened dough, topped with melted butter, cinnamon and sugar (North America)
  • Monkey Bread – pieces of sweet dough covered with cinnamon, sugar, butter, and pecans, baked in a pan then pulled apart and eaten (Hungary)

And what’s the deal with buffalo wings and chicken fingers? Everyone knows that buffaloes don’t have wings and chickens don’t have fingers. If chickens did have fingers, they’d be disgusting. Have you seen what they do with their feet?

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  • Buffalo wings – deep-fried chicken wing section coated with a vinegar-cayenne pepper sauce
  • Chicken fingers – pieces of chicken breast meat that are coated and deep fried

We thought that ants on a log might be tasty. Do you know what that is? Raisins, peanut butter, and celery! No ants at all.

Welsh Rabbit? No rabbit, just cheese and bread.

Sweetbread? Not sweet and not a bread.

Mincemeat? No meat.

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Egg Cream? No egg and no cream.

Ladyfinger? No lady, no finger.

We could go on, but we’re tired.

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Now do you understand why we sniff everything you give us?

(We followed Mr. Google to British foods because, apparently, they have a lot of funny names. We can’t tell you. We couldn’t figure out which ones were food. If we go back, we’ll study the language first.)

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Mom wants us to apologize for not getting out to visit lately. It would have been her 30th anniversary last week, and she’s been useless not keeping up with things. We’ll apologize for her. We can’t do anything without her signing us in. So, it’s not our fault. But we have missed you.

9

Medical School Blues – Part 3

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Where we are: Suzy Siamese claims that she heard Joey Boxer say that he had been tutoring his friend Socks with information he knew would be on the test. Facing expulsion from medical school, Joey is suing Suzy to prove that he never said it.

Suzy was nervous when she got to the hearing room. She had never been in court before and had no idea what was going to happen. With the judge’s permission, she had brought along a classmate, first-year student Vanessa Siberian-Huskey. The two girls arrived first and were seated on one side of a table.

When Joey arrived, he was seated on the other side of the table. He looked at Vanessa and was struck by how beautiful she was. But then he got nervous. Why did she look familiar? And why was she here?

The judge came in and looked through her paperwork. She looked at Joey.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, you are accusing Ms. Siamese of telling lies about you in public that are causing you to potentially be expelled from medical school. Is that correct?

Joey: Yes, ma’am. She told people that I had cheated when I was tutoring my friend Socks for the microbiology exam. I never cheated, and I want my good name cleared.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, is that true? Did you accuse Mr. Boxer of cheating?

Suzy: Not exactly.

Judge: Well exactly what did you accuse him of?

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Suzy: I didn’t really accuse him of anything. I said that I heard him say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, do you agree that is what Ms. Siamese actually said?

Joey: That’s it. Or at least pretty close to it. She didn’t use the word cheat, but that’s what she meant.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, we can’t convict Ms. Siamese on what her words may or may not have meant. However, I do understand how that could be the conclusion the hearer would arrive at.

Ms. Siamese, you understand that the only true defense against this type of slander charge is to prove that the animal who is accusing you actually said what you are claiming, correct?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, are you certain that you never said those words or anything similar, that Ms. Siamese might have overheard?

Joey: Never, your Honor. I would never cheat, for Socks or anyone else.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, would you please tell me where you heard Mr. Boxer make his alleged claim.

Suzy: Yes, ma’am. After big tests, a lot of the students go to The Watering Hole to relax. They have snacks and all types of things to drink. Mr. Boxer and I were both there after the test.

Joey had a sinking feeling. He had forgotten about going to The Watering Hole.

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Suzy: I have been mentoring Vanessa (nods to her), so when I saw her, I went over to say hello.

Judge: Is that true, Ms. Husky?

Vanessa: Yes, it is.

Suzy: We were talking when Joey came up and offered Vanessa some fruit. She sniffed it and told him no thanks.

Vanessa: It was fermented. I could smell it on Mr. Boxer’s breath.

Joey panicked. Now he remembered Vanessa. He saw her there and wanted to meet her. But she was so beautiful that he was too scared to talk to her. He had stood in a corner eating fruit until he got up the nerve. That fruit was fermented? He hadn’t noticed. How did she know?

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Suzy: Joey took back the fruit, and started to talk to Vanessa.

Vanessa: Yes, he must have nervous. He started talking about how he was at the top of his class and was sure that he would be getting a good internship. I think he wanted to impress me with how intelligent he is.

Joey knew what was coming next. He didn’t remember saying any of this, but he knew what was going to follow.

Vanessa: He told me that he was so good in school that he even had time to tutor his best friend, Socks. I told him that was very impressive. He said it wasn’t too bad because he knew what was going to be on the test, so he only had to teach Socks those things.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, is that true? Did you say that?

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Joey: Your honor, I don’t really remember.

Judge: What do you mean?

Joey: I think the fermented fruit must have made me drunk. I don’t remember any of this conversation.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

Judge: Ladies, do you think that Mr. Boxer was drunk?

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Suzy: That would explain why he wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He’s not usually like that.

Vanessa: I think you’re absolutely right, Judge. His breath was terrible.

Judge: What did you say to Mr. Boxer?

Vanessa: I told him that I didn’t associate with cheaters and growled. I think he left after that.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description of what happened?

Suzy: Yes ma’am.

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The judge looked at Joey.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, I don’t think you have much of a case for slander. Apparently, you did say what you are accused of saying.

Joey: Yes, ma’am, I guess I did. But I honestly don’t remember saying it. I must have been bragging to impress Vanessa. I was pretty sure I knew what was going to be on the test because I knew what the professor had been emphasizing. I don’t even know how to steal a test.

Judge: OK. Ms. Siamese and Ms. Husky, you are free to go. Thank you for coming in. Mr. Boxer, I am going to recommend that the medical school allow you to graduate. You don’t seem to be guilty of anything other than talking too much.

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4

Medical School Blues – Part 2

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Where we are: Joey and Suzy are at the top of their medical school class. Joey has been helping his friend, Socks, do better so he doesn’t have to graduate last in the class. Socks did well on his most recent exam. Suzy said it was because Joey cheated for him.

Poor Socks was devastated. He thought that he had been getting smarter. Now someone said the he was cheating.

Socks: Suzy, does that mean that my score doesn’t count?

Suzy: Did you know Joey had stolen the information he taught you?

Socks: Of course not. I would never cheat.Image result for siamese cat and dog

Suzy: I didn’t think so. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.

Joey: What about me? You just accused me of cheating. I didn’t cheat!

Suzy: Then why did you say you knew the questions ahead of time?

Joey: I never said that!

Suzy: Then why did I hear it?

Joey: You didn’t hear it! I never said it. Take it back before I get into trouble.

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Soon the accusation spread beyond their group of friends. It seemed like everyone knew. It was only a matter of time before someone told the professor.

Professor Gibbs: Mr. Boxer, may I see you after class?

Joey: Of course.

Joey was nervous. It had to be about the exam. What if the professor had heard about Suzy’s accusation?

Gibbs: You did extremely well on my last exam.

Joey: Yes, sir. I studied very hard

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Gibbs: So did your friend, Socks. He’s never gotten higher than a score of 74 on a test.

Joey: We’ve been studying together.

Gibbs: What have you two been studying from?

Joey: The textbook and our notes, of course. Mainly my notes.

Gibbs: I’ve heard from a credible source that you were studying from the actual test that I had prepared.

Joey: Suzy’s lying! I never saw that test before we took it. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.Image result for dog on trial meme

Gibbs: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Suzy outside of class in weeks. I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. Is it true?

Joey: No, it is not.

Gibbs: Then you better find a way to prove that. You’re scheduled to appear before the academic board a week from Tuesday. If they vote that you’ve cheated, you’re going to be expelled.

One more thing, do you know of Mr. Retriever cheating?

Joey: He would never cheat. He’s been studying around the clock since I began tutoring him. He’s actually pretty smart when he focuses.

Gibbs: All right. That’s what we thought. He has been doing better in class.

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Joey: Why do you think I would cheat? I’m at the top of the class.

Gibbs: Exactly. The top students are the only ones who cheat at this point. They’ll do anything they can to be number 1 at the end.

Joey: Thanks for telling me. I guess I better go figure out how to straighten this out.

Joey met with a few of his closest friends. He wasn’t sure who to trust; someone had told administration. Apparently, it wasn’t Suzy.

Joey: I think I’m done guys. How do I prove that I didn’t say something?

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Alex Owl: Where did you supposedly say this?

Joey: I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Suzy since she said it.

Jeremy Airedale: When were the two of you at the same place that she might have heard something that sounds like that?

Joey (frustrated): I don’t know. Socks, do you remember anything?

Socks: Sorry, buddy. I went out to play ball with some of my old friends, and slept until the next class.

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Alex: It looks like you’re in a bit of a mess. There’s only one thing to do. You have to prove that she’s lying.

Socks: That doesn’t seem very nice. She was just talking to some friends. I don’t think she meant it to turn out this way.

Jeremy: That may be true. But I think Alex is right. If we can’t prove that he’s right, then we have to prove that she’s wrong.

Joey: How do we do that?

The next day, Suzy was given a letter. It said that she had to be in court 2 days later. Joey Boxer was suing her for slander and defamation of character.

Next week: Will the trial vindicate Joey?

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