4

Medical School Blues – Part 2

Image result for boxer dog and cat

Where we are: Joey and Suzy are at the top of their medical school class. Joey has been helping his friend, Socks, do better so he doesn’t have to graduate last in the class. Socks did well on his most recent exam. Suzy said it was because Joey cheated for him.

Poor Socks was devastated. He thought that he had been getting smarter. Now someone said the he was cheating.

Socks: Suzy, does that mean that my score doesn’t count?

Suzy: Did you know Joey had stolen the information he taught you?

Socks: Of course not. I would never cheat.Image result for siamese cat and dog

Suzy: I didn’t think so. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.

Joey: What about me? You just accused me of cheating. I didn’t cheat!

Suzy: Then why did you say you knew the questions ahead of time?

Joey: I never said that!

Suzy: Then why did I hear it?

Joey: You didn’t hear it! I never said it. Take it back before I get into trouble.

Image result for cat teacher meme

Soon the accusation spread beyond their group of friends. It seemed like everyone knew. It was only a matter of time before someone told the professor.

Professor Gibbs: Mr. Boxer, may I see you after class?

Joey: Of course.

Joey was nervous. It had to be about the exam. What if the professor had heard about Suzy’s accusation?

Gibbs: You did extremely well on my last exam.

Joey: Yes, sir. I studied very hard

Image result for golden retriever studying meme

Gibbs: So did your friend, Socks. He’s never gotten higher than a score of 74 on a test.

Joey: We’ve been studying together.

Gibbs: What have you two been studying from?

Joey: The textbook and our notes, of course. Mainly my notes.

Gibbs: I’ve heard from a credible source that you were studying from the actual test that I had prepared.

Joey: Suzy’s lying! I never saw that test before we took it. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.Image result for dog on trial meme

Gibbs: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Suzy outside of class in weeks. I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. Is it true?

Joey: No, it is not.

Gibbs: Then you better find a way to prove that. You’re scheduled to appear before the academic board a week from Tuesday. If they vote that you’ve cheated, you’re going to be expelled.

One more thing, do you know of Mr. Retriever cheating?

Joey: He would never cheat. He’s been studying around the clock since I began tutoring him. He’s actually pretty smart when he focuses.

Gibbs: All right. That’s what we thought. He has been doing better in class.

Image result for smart boxer dog meme

Joey: Why do you think I would cheat? I’m at the top of the class.

Gibbs: Exactly. The top students are the only ones who cheat at this point. They’ll do anything they can to be number 1 at the end.

Joey: Thanks for telling me. I guess I better go figure out how to straighten this out.

Joey met with a few of his closest friends. He wasn’t sure who to trust; someone had told administration. Apparently, it wasn’t Suzy.

Joey: I think I’m done guys. How do I prove that I didn’t say something?

Image result for dogs with owls

Alex Owl: Where did you supposedly say this?

Joey: I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Suzy since she said it.

Jeremy Airedale: When were the two of you at the same place that she might have heard something that sounds like that?

Joey (frustrated): I don’t know. Socks, do you remember anything?

Socks: Sorry, buddy. I went out to play ball with some of my old friends, and slept until the next class.

Image result for golden retrievers playing

Alex: It looks like you’re in a bit of a mess. There’s only one thing to do. You have to prove that she’s lying.

Socks: That doesn’t seem very nice. She was just talking to some friends. I don’t think she meant it to turn out this way.

Jeremy: That may be true. But I think Alex is right. If we can’t prove that he’s right, then we have to prove that she’s wrong.

Joey: How do we do that?

The next day, Suzy was given a letter. It said that she had to be in court 2 days later. Joey Boxer was suing her for slander and defamation of character.

Next week: Will the trial vindicate Joey?

Image result for cat on trial meme

12

Medical School Blues

Image result for boxer dog and siamese cat

Suzy Siamese and Joey Boxer had been competitors all the way through medical school. It was generally agreed that they both would be excellent doctors. The end of school was near and they wanted to do their best. Class standing would determine where they could do their internship.

Joey’s best friend in the program was a golden retriever named Max who everyone called him Socks because he had a habit of wearing socks when he was cold rather than curling up like everyone else.

Poor Socks was at the bottom of the class. It looked like he was going to get whatever assignment no one else wanted. His only goal was not to be last.

Image result for golden retriever

Socks: This is awful. You have no idea how terrible it feels to be at the bottom of the class. I feel like an idiot.

Joey: You’re not an idiot, buddy. This is a great school.

Socks: Yeah, but maybe I should have gone to Canine U. I probably would have done better at a school without all these smart animals from other species. I could have competed with other Goldens and dogs who are closer to me intellectually. I might have even been near the top of the class.

Joey: You belong here. You didn’t wash out like those losers with really rotten grades.

Image result for falcon

Socks: Maybe. But look who’s at the top of the class: you, that cat, and a falcon. I’m going to end up in East Siberia.

Joey: It won’t be that bad. We don’t even partner with a school in Siberia.

Socks: That’s not funny. You know what I mean.

Joey: OK. OK. You might be right. I would hate to be at the bottom of the class. Maybe I can help.

Socks: How? Change my grades in the computer? Get some of the animals ahead of me to drop out?

Image result for smart boxer dog meme

Joey: No, goofball. I can tutor you.

Socks: Do you have time for that?

Joey: I’ll make time for you, buddy.

Socks: Thanks! That’d be great! I just want to pass that cuckoo. It is so embarrassing being behind him.

Joey: We can probably do even better than that.

Image result for group of cats studying meme

A few weeks passed. Suzy was meeting with her study group. It was a good group for her. Everyone was in the top quarter of the class.

Pete: That’s it for tonight. If I have to see one more drawing or picture of bacteria, I’ll go crazy.

June: Me too. I think my brain is full for today.

Betty: Did you hear the latest? Joey is tutoring Socks.

Ben: Poor Socks. I can’t believe he made it to the end. He’s such a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of an attention span.

Image result for golden retriever meme

Suzy: I really don’t know how he can study. And I wonder how Joey has time to tutor an animal like that.

Ben: Who knows. Anyone up for a quick snack at the café?

They spent a short time eating, then went home to study.

It appeared that the tutoring was working. Socks began to answer correctly when he was called on in class.

Image result for animals in school

Professor Atkins: Well, Mr. Retriever, it seems that you have finally learned how to study.

Socks: I have to thank Joey Boxer for the change. He’s been tutoring me.

Professor Atkins: Good job, Mr. Boxer.

Socks’ performance continued to improve. Even so, he was nervous about the microbiology test coming up.

Socks: What if I forget everything? We would have wasted all that time.

Image result for golden retriever and boxer friends

Joey: Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

Joey was right. Socks got 85/100, his highest grade ever. He was thrilled, until Suzy spoke up.

Suzy: I heard Joey Boxer say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Next week: Did Joey cheat or was Suzy just trying to get him in trouble so she’d have fewer competitors?

Image result for content fluffy siamese cat

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

12

Cat Forum: A Day at the Spa

Image result for relaxed cat

Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here. Thanks for joining us here for this month’s Cat Forum. Today we’re looking at the important issue of how you can de-stress after a hard day of supervising the neighborhood, hunting, and looking for the perfect napping spot.

Image result for cat massage

One of the best ways to relax is to get a massage. Some cats find a human to do this. If you are looking for a human, you need one who uses their whole hand. It feels like extremely good cuddles.

Some humans use their fingertips. They call it acupressure; we call it prodding. However, many cats report that after the prodding, they do feel a lot better.

Image result for cat massage

We prefer a cat-to-cat massage. No one knows where our stress points are better than another cat. And when they’re done, you don’t need to worry about being dumped on the sofa afterwards. You can just relax and take a nap.

Image result for catnip meme

Some of you say ‘nip is relaxing. We don’t want to recommend it here, because it excites as many kitties as it relaxes. Of course, most kitties do fall asleep after the excitement. So, it probably is relaxing.

Image result for catnip meme

If you do choose to relax with ‘nip, make sure you get it from a reliable trader. Some cats have reported finding oregano and other herbs mixed in. That is definitely not relaxing.

A couple of good, long stretches are good for relaxing. Remember to hold the stretch momentarily to get the most out of it. If you are an active hunter, you may associate stretching with hunting. In that case, we do not recommend trying to relax this way.

Image result for cat listening to music

Some kitties like to relax with music. We recommend something in the classical realm, with lots of soothing strings or piano. Do not listen to that current human music with the loud crashes and human yowling. It will cause you more stress than you currently have.

Image result for cats chasing each other meme

If the source of your stress is a housemate, there are two ways to deal with it. Our preferred method is to chase them out of the area. Not only will the running help you de-stress, you no longer have to deal with the source of the stress.

The other alternative is to find a quiet space of your own. However, if you’re stressed because someone has invaded your quiet spot, you’ll need to have several back-ups. Pests can usually find you.

Image result for cats napping

 Last, but not least, is a nice, long nap in a warm spot. We recommend a blanket, a sunny spot, in front of a fire, or in your bed. Do not use a human lap. Just about the time you get settled in, they will decide it’s time for a snack.

Talking about all of this relaxation is making us sleepy. Purrs and snuggles from Cat Forum.

12

Snoops and Kommando: Literary Critics

Image result for cats with books

Snoops and Kommando here. Mom didn’t notice that there were five Saturdays in August, so she has an extra post to fill. And guess which very talented kitties came to the rescue? That’s right. So here we are. (We get to write more next week since it’s our regular week. Pretty exciting, eh?)

Anyway, we have decided that we would show you just how intelligent cats are. She and the young male human went to a place called Stratford, Ontario on Sunday to see a play called Henry the VIII.

Weird, huh? Seems like they should have seen the first seven Henrys before this one. Apparently, it’s like some of human TV. It really doesn’t matter where you start. It sounded pretty boring (also like most human TV). No cats (or even dogs) in the whole thing.

Image result for cats with books

But they did bring home one interesting item: Cat Poems, edited by Tynan Kogane. We had high hopes and began reading right away. Humans don’t write many books for cats. We were not impressed.

Image result for black persian cat

Mujer by William Carlos Williams

Oh, Black Persian cat!

was not your life

already cursed with offspring?

we took you for rest to that old

Yankee farm, –so lonely

and with so many field mice

in the long grass—

and you return to us

in this condition–!

Oh, black Persian cat.

So, what’s the deal with this? Cats shouldn’t have kittens? Black Persian cats shouldn’t have kittens? We know there are currently too many kittens. But if no one had kittens, we’d run out of cats.

And what condition is he talking about? Is she pregnant again? Covered with dirt and prickly things? A dead mouse for dinner? We don’t like this poem. Let’s move on.

Image result for cat looking at bird

She Sights a Bird by Emily Dickinson

She sights a bird – she chuckles—

She flattens—then she crawls—

She runs without the look of feet—

Her eyes increase to Balls—

 

Her jaws stir—twitching—hungry—

Her Teeth can hardly stand—

She leaps, but Robin leaped the first—

Ah, Pussy of the Sand.

 

The hopes so juice ripening—

You almost bathed your Tongue—

When Bliss disclosed a hundred toes—

And fled with every one—

This one starts out pretty good. We’ve all seen birds we want to catch. The cat gets all excited. Then loses the bird. Then something with lots of toes ran away. Who is Bliss? Why does she need one hundred toes? Not only did the poem disappoint us, it ended strange.

Image result for bored cat meme

We were going to tell you more poems, but most of them were really long. Or talked about dead cats or about old cats who were getting ready to die. Or were just too weird to even understand.

We decided that what the book needed was some poetry actually written by cats. We came up with a couple of ideas we think they should consider for the next version. They are much easier to understand.

Image result for cat chasing mouse

Mothers Ruin Everything

A mouse wandered out of a hole in the wall.

Two excited kitties raced quickly down the hall.

One came for the kill,

The other, the thrill.

Rats! They lost their prey, who heard his mother call.

Image result for cat looking at rain

Mothers Ruin Everything – Part 2

The cats saw birds out the window pane.

They tried to get out; it was in vain.

The door they used before

Was shut to the floor.

Mom closed it when it started to rain.

See? Short. To the point. Easy to understand. If they’re going to write a book for cats about poetry, they should write ones that cats can understand them. We’re smart; people just don’t get how to communicate with us.

18

Llama Drama – Part 3

Image result for llama laughing

Where we are: The girls have each been invited to the Homecoming Dance, but not by the boy that she was hoping for. Now none of them will speak to the others. The boy llamas are totally confused about what is happening, so they ask Tiffany’s boyfriend Stewart to find out.

Stewart got the guys together and explained what was going on with the girls.

Brian: Girls are so weird. We were having so much fun at the games that we thought they might like to go to Homecoming.

Joey: Yeah. It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing.

Brian: I guess we should have just gone as a group.

Image result for llama group

Joey: What do we do now?

They all looked at Stewart.

Stewart: Don’t ask me. I think the whole thing is stupid. It’s not like you asked them to marry you.

Johnny: That’s true. But I still feel bad.

Brian: Maybe we should get them all together and tell them that we thought it would be more fun if we went as a group instead of couples.

Joey: That might work.

Johnny: I’m in.

Image result for llama group

Stewart: Good luck getting them together in one place.

Brian: Hmm. That’s a good point.

The guys tossed around a few ideas, but nothing sounded right.

Joey: Maybe we should each text the girl we asked and have them meet us at the track after school tomorrow. Since they’re not talking, they won’t know everyone else will be there too.

The two other llamas agreed that was the best solution. Each of the girls agreed to meet, excited to get to know their date better.

The guys went to the track together. The first girl to arrive was Lizzy. She looked a little surprised.

Image result for llama

Lizzy: Brian, why are your friends here? I thought we were going to talk.

Brian: We are. Here’s the thing…

Before he could finish what he was saying, Elsa and Rosa arrived from different directions.

Lizzy: Elsa, what are you doing here? Brian, why is she here?

Elsa: What are you doing here, you slimy son of an iguana’s uncle?

Brian (laughing): What kind of an insult is that?

Elsa: You’re right, Brian, it is kind of lame. (Turns to Lizzy) You hippo-brained…

Johnny: That’s not what he meant. He just thought it was funny.

Image result for llama group

Rosa: It did sound kind of funny.

Elsa: Who asked you? You’re always butting into things that are none of your business.

Rosa: That’s because all you talk about is your business. We almost never get a chance to talk. Right, Lizzy?

Before Lizzy had a chance to answer, Elsa broke in.

Elsa: There you go again. Trying to get someone else involved in my business. Besides, you’re not even supposed to be here. Johnny asked me here to talk. Alone.

Rosa: Joey asked me here to talk.

Image result for angry llama

Lizzy: Well, Brian asked me here to talk. And instead of a private talk, I got a herd. What’s going on?

Brian: We feel responsible for you girls fighting and want to do something about it.

Joey: We didn’t realize that you would take the invitations so seriously. I mean, we’ve only gotten together as a group two times.

Johnny: Or had a conversation. We thought it would be better to ask you individually since it’s a dance.

Joey: What we really wanted was to go as a group, like we did to the soccer games.

Image result for llama meme

The girls looked at them in disbelief.

Lizzy: Brian, are you saying that you invited me so we could be part of a group, not because you like me?

Brian: I like you, Lizzy. As a friend. I think the six of us have a lot of fun together.

Elsa: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. (Looking at Johnny and Joey) Do you two feel the same way?

Johnny: Pretty much. We haven’t known you long enough to know if we really like you.

The girl llamas started to cry. The boy llamas looked down at their hooves.

Brian: We’re really sorry that we hurt your feelings. I guess this means that we won’t be going to Homecoming, right?

Image result for llama meme

Elsa: You’re an idiot. Of course, we’re not going with you. Personally, I never want to see you again. How about you, girls?

Rosa and Lizzy nodded, wondering if all guys were jerks or if they had just stumbled into a herd of them.

Lizzy: Come on, girls. We have better things to do with our time.

They walked away, talking over each other as they apologized. By the time they got to Lizzy’s house, things were back to normal.

They went to the Homecoming dance as a group, and had a great time. Brian, Johnny, and Joey made other plans for the evening.

Image result for llama group

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

 

9

Llama Drama – Part 2

Image result for herd of llamas

Where we are: The Homecoming Dance is coming up and Elsa Llama is hoping from an invitation from Brian. She’s invited him to a soccer game in hopes of getting to show him that she’s interested.

 The soccer game was a lot of fun. Brian brought a couple of his friends, so there was a group of them who went out to eat afterward. They all agreed to do the same thing the next home game.

The girls stayed up most of the night on the phone,

Elsa: Did you see? Brian sat next to me at the salad bar?

Tiffany: It was the only open seat.

Elsa: I meant that we got to spend a lot of time talking. He’s so nice. A little quiet, though.

Rosa: Did you stop talking long enough for to say anything?

Image result for happy llama

Elsa sent a spitting llama emoji.

Tiffany: What did you think of the other two?

Rosa: Joey was super-cute. But he talks a lot. Maybe he was just nervous. Johnny was really funny. He’d be great to spend time with. I think he was my favorite.

Lizzy: I’m really glad that we get to see them again next week.

Rosa: Maybe we’ll all get dates to the dance. It would be a lot of fun to go as a group.

It seemed like the week would never end. Finally, it was Friday. Everyone met at the field. They spent a lot of time talking and teasing each other. No one even noticed that their team lost for the second week in a row.

Image result for llamas eating

Tiffany and Stewart decided to go home, instead of joining the others at the salad bar. The six young llamas sat talking until they were kicked out at closing time.

By the time they got home, each of the girls had a text. Lizzy’s was from Brian, Elsa’s was from Johnny, and Rosa’s was from Joey. They all had the same question: Will you go to Homecoming with me? They all turned off their phones for the weekend.

Monday morning, they met before school as usual.

Lizzy: Hey, Elsa. Did your new phone break? I didn’t hear from you after we left the salad bar.

Tiffany: I didn’t hear from anyone. Did I miss a big fight?

Image result for llamas cuddling eating

Rosa (blushing): Actually, Joey asked me to the dance. I turned off my phone while I tried to decide. I really like Johnny a lot better.

Elsa: You better go with Joey. Johnny asked me.

Rosa: What did you say?

Elsa: I told him I’d have to think about it.

Rosa: What’s to think about? You want to go with Brian. You can’t just hold on to Johnny as a back-up plan.

Elsa: The dance is only a couple of weeks away, and I really want to go.

Lizzy: I think it’s a good idea for you to go with Johnny. Brian wants to go with me.

Image result for llamas fighting

Elsa: What? You stole my boyfriend?

Lizzy: He’s not your boyfriend.

Rosa: Besides, you have no trouble going with the guy I like.

Elsa: I can’t help that he prefers me.

Lizzy: So why are you upset that Brian prefers me? It’s the same thing.

Elsa: No, it’s not. You never would have met the other guys if I didn’t want to spend time with Brian. You’re the worst friend a llama could have. I’m never speaking to you again.

Image result for llamas spitting at each other

Lizzy: Fine: If you’re going to be that stupid, I don’t want to be your friend either.

Rosa: You’re being selfish, Elsa. You have someone to go with.

Elsa: Stay out of this, Rosa. It’s none of your business.

Rosa: Yes, it is. You did the same thing to me.

Tiffany tried to calm things down, but the girls yelled and spit at each other until class started. They refused to eat lunch together, and wouldn’t talk to each other.

This behavior lasted for several days. The guys were confused. On Friday, everything was great. Now, the girls weren’t even talking to each other. Homecoming didn’t look like much fun anymore. They sent Stewart to find out what was happening.

Image result for confused llama meme

Stewart: Hey Tiff. Why are your friends being so goofy? I thought they wanted to go to Homecoming.

Tiffany: They do, but with different guys.

Stewart: They should have turned these guys down.

Tiffany: They want to go with these guys, but with different partners.

Stewart: That’ s dumb. They barely know these guys. They’ve known each other for years.

Tiffany: I know. But they won’t listen.

Next week: Who will the girls choose? The guys or their best friends?

 Image result for four llamas

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

 

10

Llama Drama

Image result for llamas

Lizzy Llama was standing outside school one day with her friends. They had been back for a couple of weeks, so there was a lot to talk about.

Elsa: Pickles! I hate this phone!

Rosa: What’s wrong with your phone? I thought your parents just got you a new one.

Elsa: It is a new phone. It’s the latest Elkheart.

Tiffany: Ooh! Those are really expensive. What’s wrong with it?

Elsa: The stupid thing keeps saying it doesn’t understand what I’m saying. I mean, seriously? Do you guys think I talk funny?

Image result for animal cell phone meme

The other girls look at her in disbelief.

Lizzy: Uh. Yeah. You talk so fast with that weird alpaca accent, that we can’t understand you half the time.

Elsa: It’s not a weird accent. I just spent a lot of time with alpacas when I was little, and some of it stuck.

Tiffany: OK, it’s not a weird accent. You could talk a little slower and see if that helps.

Rose: You know those phones default to camel, right? Did you check the language setting?

Image result for cute camel

Elsa: Why does it default to camel?

Rosa: That’s their biggest customer base. Let me see it.

Rosa spoke a few phrases into the phone and handed it back to Elsa.

Rosa: That should fix your problem.

Elsa: Thanks. Stupid phone.

The bell rang, and they didn’t see each other until lunch.

Image result for llama with phone meme

Tiffany: Did you hear that Jeremy asked Shelley to the Homecoming Dance?

Lizzy: No!

Tiffany: Yep. She told me herself.

Lizzy: Does Rosa know? She has a crush on him.

Rosa stomped up and sat down.

Rosa: Can you believe that idiot Jeremy? Shelley? Seriously? She never says two words. What does he see in her?

Tiffany: Don’t worry, Rosa. Someone better will ask you out. There’s plenty of time.

Image result for angry llama

Rosa: Easy for you to say. You’ve got a boyfriend. Stewart is such a sweetheart.

Tiffany: Yeah. He’s really a great guy.

Lizzy: Elsa, who do you want to go with?

Elsa: I really like Brian. He talked to me in Biology. He’s really smart.

Lizzy (whispering): He’s looking over here.

Elsa: Don’t look! He’ll think we’re talking about him.

Image result for llamas

Rosa: You are talking about him.

Elsa: That’s not the point. What about you, Lizzy?

Lizzy: I can’t think of anyone who might ask me. I think I might just go with some of the other girls.

Rosa: Ooh. If you do that, I’ll go with you. It sounds like fun.

Lizzy: Deal.

A few days later, Elsa came to lunch excited.

Elsa: Guess what? I found out that Brian doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Image result for happy llamas

Tiffany: How’d you do that?

Elsa: I asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to the dance.

Tiffany: Smooth. Very subtle.

Elsa: So what? I don’t want to waste my time on someone who’s not available.

Tiffany: Good point.

Elsa: Maybe I should ask him to hang out with us after school.

Lizzy: I guess. That sounds a little weird.

Elsa: Maybe you’re right. How about inviting him to the soccer game?

Tiffany: That sounds more normal. That way there’ll be a lot of people around.

Image result for llamas playing soccer

Next week: Does the soccer game bring Elsa and Brian closer?

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.