5

Newsflash: IAOC Bans Tigers

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(Google Images/Pinterest)

 

Dateline: July 22, 2016

Irkutsk, Siberia – Rumors have been running rampant that the International Animal Olympics Committee (IAOC) was investigating the Siberian Tiger swim team. Those rumors were verified today when Ferdinand Fox, President of the IAOC, issued the following statement:

“After months of testing and research, the IAOC has determined that the Siberian Tiger swim team has consistently shown inappropriately high levels of testosterone. The guidelines for the Animal Olympics are very specific, and the Siberians have not met the requirements. Unfortunately, we have no choice but to ban the team from the 2016 Animal Olympics.

“We did not make this decision lightly. We know that the Siberian Tigers have always been an important part of the swimming competition. However, we must abide by the guidelines. The integrity of the Games is more important than any one team.”

The sports world’s reaction was mainly surprise. Given the strength of the Siberian team, no one thought the IAOC would have the fortitude to penalize the team. The Siberian Olympic management issued a competing statement:

“The charges are ridiculous. Our swimmers are the strongest tigers in the world. Of course they have high levels of testosterone. We would never inject them with additional hormones. The meat we use comes straight from Moscow and is guarded to prevent adulteration.

“We do not plan to challenge this ban. After training in the pure waters of Siberia, the filthy water in the Olympic venue would probably make the team sick anyway. We feel that we are being singled out unfairly because of our strength. These charges are based on groundless rumors started by the Americans and Bengal Tigers because they have never been competitive against our superior training and strength.”

There was no immediate comment from the Americans or Bengalis.

We have not been able to verify reports that the athletes have threatened to eat the members of the IAOC who voted for the ban. There has been a lot of growling around the camp, but the tigers are forbidden to speak with the media.

This ruling will not impact past medals that the Siberians have won. Because of the lifespans of some of the Olympic participants (e.g., mice, some fish species), the IAOC has determined that awards will stand once they have been presented.

Reported by Ricky T. Tavi  (Google Images/Reddit)

 

11

Cat Forum: Breaking Election News

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Washington, DC, September 16, 2016

Commentator: We just received word this afternoon that not only is the Cat Party not going to put forward a candidate for the coming election, they are disbanding the party. On the eve of the Republican Convention, this is truly shocking news. I have them on the phone to find out what happened.

Commentator: Hello guys. We heard the big news. So what happened?

Jaime : Hello, and thank you for having us. We all discussed it and decided that Washington is no place for a cat.

Creamsicle: : You might remember that we were going to Washington to learn about the budget. It was a total disaster.

Commentator: What do you mean?

Creamsicle: Well, the first ones I wanted to meet were the Fat Cats. I thought that maybe I could show them some tricks about maintaining a healthy lifestyle even when they were super-busy. Do you know what I discovered?

Biff: We were all shocked.

Creamsicle: Fat Cats refers to humans. In fact, everyone we saw in the government was human.

Charles: Some of them wanted to put us in cages!

Commentator: That’s horrible.

Charles: Not only that. Some of them are incredibly stupid.

Commentator: How so?

Charles: We looked at the budget. Some of those numbers had way too many zeros. Our government could never afford things with that many zeros.

Jaime: And nobody noticed that the numbers were wrong.

Biff: That’s because nobody went to that meeting where they talked about the budget.

Creamsicle: It was pretty boring. I almost fell asleep.

Biff: But don’t you remember at the beginning when they called off the names of the people who were supposed to be there?

Charles: I counted. Only 16 out of the 42 people were actually there.

Jaime: But that wasn’t the really scary part.

Moderator: It got worse?

Jaime: Definitely. Later that day, they voted on spending the money they were talking about in that meeting.

Biff: There were 25 people at that meeting. I heard some of them whispering to their aides in the hall before the meeting. They were asking what they were voting on and how it impacted important people they know.

Creamsicle: They hadn’t read any of the bill!

Commentator: So you all decided that you didn’t want to be in Washington?

Charles: What self-respecting cat would?

Creamsicle: Those people never stop talking!

Biff: And a lot of the people smoke in that city. Can you imagine what our fur would smell like?

Charles: Besides, we would only be a token cat. They don’t even have litter boxes in those buildings.

Jaime: And they said that only one of us could represent cats. The rest would have to go home. We’d have to work with a human staff!

Commentator: That’s appalling!

Creamsicle: That’s what we thought. What’s to stop them from giving us someone who smells like dog?

Commentator: So what’s next?

Biff: We’ve had an offer for a book deal writing about our experiences.

Charles: We’ve also been offered a talk show. Kind of a political round-table.

Creamsicle: But right now we’re just looking for a place with enough sun for us all to relax. It’s been a tough few months.

Commentator: Thank you for spending your time with us.

Cats: Purr, Purr

(All pictures courtesy of Google Images)

6

Sheriff Callie and the Vacuum Cleaner

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(Google Images)

(For those of you without children of the appropriate age, Sheriff Callie is the star of Disney’s Sheriff Callie’s Wild West for preschoolers. She is a female calico cat who is the sheriff of Nice and Friendly Corners.)

Moderator: We welcome back Super Snoops and Kommando Kitty. It’s been a while. How have you been?

Snoops: Thanks for having us. We’ve been having a great summer. I’ve got a new bed. Mom says it was a Christmas present, but I’m sure she’s wrong. I never would have ignored such an awesome bed in the middle of the front room for six months.

Kommando: I think that bed was supposed to be for both of us, but she’s been hogging it. We’ll be sharing it in the cold weather.

Snoops: Maybe. You’re pretty warm with all that fur.

Kommando: It’s been a good summer for me too. For some reason, I’ve been shedding a lot this year. My fur is everywhere regardless of how often they brush me. I don’t understand it, but the humans don’t think it’s as cool as I do to have my fur in their food.

Commentator: So, what do you have for us today?

Snoops: We have our friend, Sheriff Callie, on the phone. She wants to discuss a certain toy that she found when she was shopping for a gift. She was totally appalled and wanted to warn your listeners to be aware that it is out there.

Commentator: Sheriff, thank you for taking the time to be with us today.

Callie: I appreciate you having me. And please, call me Callie.

Moderator: Callie, I was told that you had a rather unsettling experience in a store recently and wanted to share what had happened.

Callie: Yes, that’s right. I recently made a trip to a human toy store to find something for someone at Nice and Friendly Corners. I wanted something educational. I must tell you, humans have a strange idea of learning toys.

Kommando: Callie, we couldn’t agree more. I bet you couldn’t find a training mouse anywhere.

Callie: It’s worse than that. They have something called Play Doh. They are supposed to use this vile-smelling substance to make things. In one of the boxes they had things so the small human could pretend to be a dentist. It looked like some alien creature was working on the teeth of a hamburger.

Audience: Eww

Moderator: Does the box say why they would want to put a paw inside a hamburger’s mouth? I can’t imagine what it would teach them.

Callie: I can’t either. There were other boxes that showed them using the stuff to make cupcakes and ice cream. I can’t believe humans let their children eat that stuff.

Moderator: Well, humans do have some odd tastes. Have you ever seen those little green trees they eat? They say it has lots of good things in them. I don’t know about that, but they taste terrible. I don’t know a single cat who likes them.

Snoops: Our humans eat them, but we won’t even get near them. I think they’re called broccolis.

Callie: I think you’re right. But I need to tell you about what I saw next. They have little pink vacuum cleaners from a company called Wish I Was Home.

(Audience gasps.)

Commentator: You mean they train little girls how to use those things?

Callie: Yes! And it looks like they start pretty young. It was small.

Commentator: Why do you think they would do that?

Callie: I have no idea. But I can imagine cats everywhere being traumatized by little girls running after them with those things.

Snoops: I know a lot of cats who won’t go near small humans. I bet that’s why.

Commentator: I’m sure you’re right. What can we do about it Callie?

Callie: I wanted to make sure everyone knew about it so they can protect their kittens. It’s not just the adult humans who need to be watched.

Commentator: Thank you for your warning. I’m sure our audience appreciates your coming on our show with this important information.

(Audience applauds vigorously.)

Commentator: Thank you once again to joining us.

Callie: It was my pleasure. Thank you for having me. (Ends the call)

The cats all look at each other, horrified.

Kommando: Well, at least we know.

 

caption,Cats (Cheezburger)

 

Cats,dont-be-a-hero,heroes,Memes,restraining,restraining cat,vacuum cleaner,vacuums (Cheezburger)

 

 

 

0

Animal Crackers

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A jilted, angry young man named Brian

Searched afar for a world-famous lion.

He hoped the hungry beast

On his girlfriend would feast.

“He’s really tasty,” slurped the young scion.

 

A lovesick beaver built a great dam

To win the heart of his true love Pam.

Dad wasn’t impressed.

“Get rid of that pest.”

So the beaver, with Pam, had to scram.

 

Watching a cat sleep in a sunbeam,

Who can doubt that she really does dream?

She’s ruling the world,

Or on a lap curled.

Or nibbling a mouse dipped in some cream.

 

A big announcement was due at the zoo.

The exact details no one really knew.

The secret was kept

From all by the vet.

Of the birth of the first caribou-gnu.

          (perfect couple)

 

Bison and buffalo, what do you think?

He asked his friend as they went for a drink.

She said we can’t mate

When I asked for a date.

It’s not like I’m an Australian skink!

        (imperfect couple)

 

You don’t look like a great ape to me.

Why, you can’t even swing from a tree!

You can blame my school

They thought it quite cruel.

We might damage a branch, don’t you see?

(all images courtesy of Google Images)

4

My Wrists are Making My Head Hurt

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I got my new job stocking overnight.

 

My hands and wrists started to hurt a lot more.

I went to see the hand surgeon.

 

The resident told me that the reason my thumb hurt was because of arthritis due to my age.

 

I said that the x-rays didn’t show any arthritis.

 

He said everyone gets arthritis in their thumbs.

 

I said the x-rays didn’t show arthritis.

 

He said he hadn’t looked at the x-rays. He asked who read the x-rays.

I told him whoever worked in his clinic.

 

He said it didn’t matter, we were there to talk about my hands.

 

I said that I wasn’t comfortable with him.

 

He said we were there to talk about my hands.

 

I told him I wasn’t comfortable talking to him.

 

He told me that he was fully trained in the functions of the hands and the surgery.

I told him I didn’t want to talk to him.

 

He stalked off.

 

The surgeon came in.

 

He talked really loud.

He said the test results said that I had mild to moderate carpal tunnel syndrome, but that he would say it was probably moderate based on the readings.

 

I said that the doctor had said the same thing at the time of the test.

 

He looked at me. Who did you talk to?

 

I wanted to tell him, “The man who came in and introduced himself as the doctor in charge of the department.” But that doctor was really nice, and I didn’t want to make him sound obnoxious. I said that I talked to the tech and then the doctor came in.

 

The surgeon said OK, I agree. That test was done in 2014, so things are probably worse by now. We should do the release surgery as soon as possible to prevent any more damage. You’ll have to be off work for two weeks and on light duty another two weeks.

 

By the way, most people do get arthritis in their thumbs when the ligaments stretch as they age.

I went to work and explained the situation. My supervisor told me that he would tell me a good time to take off.

 

My husband told me that he might lose his insurance in June.

 

I told my supervisor. He said to go ahead and schedule the surgery for the end of April.

Three weeks later the time off request was still pending. I asked if he had changed his mind. He said I hadn’t made the request in the system. I said I had.

 

He called me in the floor. Didn’t realize I would be off that long. The store director would have to approve it. Had I spoken with the third-party administrator (TPA)?

 

The TPA can’t help me. I haven’t been with the company for a year and am not eligible for an official leave.

 

How long have you been here?

 

Six months.

 

Oh. I thought it had been a lot longer. I have to talk to the store director.

No response a week later. I ask if they have talked.

 

Yes, we did. The store director makes these types of decisions. The answer is no.

 

My head started to hurt.

8

A Picture is Worth Ten (or so) Words

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Hello Humans (and Others) –

Snoops and Kommando here. Mom has been having a lot of trouble with her hands because of the carpal tunnel. We can’t find it on a map, so don’t bother asking. We thought that we would help out. We know what short attention spans humans have, and we didn’t want you to forget about us. (We know we’re more popular than she is.)

Anyway, this typing thing is a lot of work with paws, so we wanted to have as few words as possible. We noticed that several of the cats on WordPress use pictures with words. Some of the cats call them memes. Probably don’t understand that it should be spelled me-me so that everyone knows it’s about cats.

We decided that we are as clever as those cats. (Some of them must be written by humans because they’re not really funny.) So we have written our own captions.

All of the pictures are from Cheezburger. Don’t bother going there looking for ground meat – the title is very misleading.

 

“I’m not letting him out until he tells me where he hid the catnip.”

 

“Maybe Fluffy has forgiven me by now and will let me back into the house.”

 

“I wish they’d get me takeout more often.”

 

“If she’d just let me go for a minute, I bet I could get all the dogs barking at once.”

 

“I said, no pictures!”

 

“Maybe it’s time to think about getting glasses.”

 

“You didn’t tell me it was cold and sticky!”

 

We hope you liked our pictures. If we do this again, we’re going to use the me-mes. All this thinking is too much work.

Snoops and Kommando Sleeping_05292015

5

Presidential Debate – Invasive Species

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In honor of Super Tuesday tomorrow, we are presenting our first debate. The topic is immigration reform.

Moderator: Welcome to our first debate of the election season. We’re honored to have you with us. The format of the debate is that I will ask a question of one of the candidates who will then answer the question. The other candidates will be given the opportunity to respond. No hissing, spitting, biting, or eating. We do not want the voter to confuse us with the Republicans or Democrats.

Let me introduce you to the candidates:

  Charles Scruffikan from Detroit, MI

  Edward “Biff” Kellingham III from Braintree, MA

  Creamsicle from Los Angeles CA

  Jaime Tiggs from Washington, DC

(polite applause)

Moderator: Mr. Kellingham, let’s start with you. How do you feel about the country’s immigration policy?

(Biff looks confused.)

Biff: Would you mind clarifying the question?

Moderator: Are you in favor of allowing foreigners into this country, either illegally or legally?

(Biff still looks confused.)

Biff: Where would they be coming from?

Moderator: Mainly Central America and the Middle East.

Biff: Oh, OK. You’re talking about Chihuahuas and Caucasian Mountain Dogs. That type of thing. I’m definitely against it. We already have way too many dogs here.

(The other cats nod vigorously. Now the moderator looks confused.)

Moderator: No, I meant people.

Creamsicle: I don’t mean to interrupt, but you mean that we would have to decide one by one who gets to come into the country? I mean, how else would we know if they are cat people?

Biff: I agree with Creamsicle. There is no way that the immigration question can be about people.

Charles: I think I know what the humans are talking about. We have zebra mussels invading the Great Lakes. I definitely think we should get rid of them and not allow any more in. They impact the fish population.

Biff (nodding): That makes sense. My favorite trout is getting hard to find. Some other breeds have invaded the water and bred with them.

Creamsicle: And those fish that walk out of the water. They’re really creepy.

Jaime: In Florida, my home state, boa constrictors have invaded the swamps. They eat anything around them. They’ve even killed a couple of alligators.

(The other cats look horrified.)

Jaime: Not only that. There’s all kinds of plants that are coming in from somewhere and killing off the natives. Pretty soon it won’t even look like the Everglades.

Biff: And there are all those plants and trees the rich people imported that are taking over the East Coast.

Creamsicle: And the West Coast.

Charles: We have purple loosestrife taking over all the land it can get.

Jaime: And kudzu is all over the South.

Moderator: I think we can all agree that those are problems. But what about the people?

(The cats stop talking and look at him.)

Jaime: Obviously the humans are going to have to figure that out. We’ll be much too busy.

(The others nod.)

Biff: I heard that if you stand still too long, the kudzu will grow over you.

Charles: I think we’ve handled this question. What’s next?

Moderator (shaking his head): I think we’re done for today. Remember to prep for the next debate. We’ll be talking about the budget.

(More applause and the lights are turned off.)

Biff: Anyone interested in a nice bowl of cream? It’s on me.

Creamsicle: Ooooh, yummy!

(The cats all walk off together talking and laughing.)

Ed. Note: Exit polls show a great deal of indecision about who won the debate. The only comments were on the candidates’ looks and speaking voices.

 

 

11

If I Had Designed Suri

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I recently saw a commercial that has Suri answering questions about AT&T’s mobile plans. For those of you living in a corner of the world that Apple has not yet conquered, Suri is the iPhone’s voice-activated digital assistant. She has a calm soothing voice that would drive me crazy.

The ad reminded me of the original ads for Suri. She was shown answering all types of questions: How far is the moon? Where’s the closest Thai restaurant? Is it going to rain tomorrow?

My car can tell me where the closest Thai restaurant is. What I really need to know is whether they have ever unintentionally poisoned someone. Or if anyone returns for a second visit. Or if it’s going to cost as much as a month’s rent.

If you ask five forecasters about the weather, you will get five different answers. What I would rather know is the percentage of the drivers in my area who turn into turtles  when the pavement gets wet.

Of course there are other things that I think would be useful:

Who scheduled a concert the same night the football and hockey teams are in town and how do I contact them?

Who decided to put the male enhancement drugs next to the sleep aids in the pharmacy?

Where is one of the sixty-eight empty spots the sign outside the parking structure said were available?

When will it be safe to remove the mulch around my plants?

What time will I be able to pick someone up at the airport following the on-time flight that was actually a half hour early but held up on the tarmac for an hour and had its luggage mixed in with five other flights?

Which candidate is using more of those masked phone numbers to make calls to get my vote?

Who decided that sales calls could be blocked but political campaign ads could not?

What route are the salt trucks taking?

How long is the freeway really going to be down to one lane for construction?

What is the perfect gift for a bride and groom who obviously have no taste based on their (very expensive) registry?

What does a room freshener called Fiji smell like?

Does this dish contain black pepper? (I’m allergic)

Is the police car behind me just driving along or is it watching my driving?

Is the impossibly slow car in front of me turning off soon or should I go around?

Who is wearing half a bottle of cologne and what is it so I never get it by mistake?

Will this cold remedy actually make me feel better?

What is that horrible smell in the break room? Is it a person or food?

What niche does this blog fall into?

IMG_20150310_174337399          IMG_20141216_141551341          20141214_220950-1

5

A Mouse in Every Pot and a Cat in Every Bed*

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*The similarity of this slogan to Herbert Hoover’s 1928 presidential campaign slogan is completely intentional. However, it does not mean that Mr. Hoover endorses any of the candidates below. Unfortunately Mr. Hoover died in 1964 and is unable to make such a declaration.


Here at Cheeseland we have been discussing the U.S. Presidential election a lot while trying to ignore the candidates as much as we can. It has become painfully clear that none of the candidates has a strong pro-cat stand (or any other animal, for that matter). In fact, we are unable to find a reference to cats anywhere in the published speeches.

Finally, someone suggested that we would have to put forward our own candidates. Both Super Snoops and Kommando Kitty quickly stepped back and said that they were much too smart to want to be President. So the search was on.

We were a little concerned about sending our mice editors George and Lenny out to find strong candidates. We didn’t want them eaten by interest groups or action committees. They did a fine job.

Below are our potential choices:

 

 

Name: Charles Scruffikan

Hometown: Detroit, MI

Current Job: Mouse Patrol

Strength: Not easily intimidated

 

Name: Edward “Biff” Kellingham III

Hometown: Braintree, MA

Current Job: Inspector at family mattress company

Strength: Calm under pressure

 

Name: Creamsicle

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

Current Job: Yoga Instructor

Strength: Fast on her feet

 

Name: Jaime Tiggs

Hometown: Washington, DC

Current Job: Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife

Strength: Experience working with Congress

 

We are currently in negotiations for a debate between the candidates. You may forward any questions here. Please – nothing about technology.

2

At Sixes and Sevens

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I love this phrase because it’s just obscure enough that people think they should know what it means. (To be in a state of confusion or disarray.)

This post was intended to be about things that give me pause, but while checking on the phrase’s origin, I found some things to add to the list.

I had thought that the expression referred to numbers in a game of chance that were the riskiest and therefore led the gambler to some confusion about whether or not to make the bet.

That is true, but the better story comes from the possible second origin. I am still slightly at sixes and sevens about the whole thing.

England has something called an order of precedence for their livery companies. A livery company is a trade association and does not have anything to do with horses (which confused me very much the first time I read through the description of the dispute.)

The livery of Merchant Taylors (tailors) and the livery of Skinners were both chartered in 1327. They became the sixth and seventh trade associations in England. There is no surviving record of which was chartered first, but they started fighting about it almost immediately. Wouldn’t they have had to be chartered at the same place? Did someone bribe the clerk to change a date? The English were pretty fussy about their hierarchies.

It got so bad that in 1484 the Lord Mayor of London, Sir Robert Billesden, decided that at the Feast of Corpus Christi (how many know when that is?) the associations would swap places and feast in each other’s halls. It seems to be that skinners and tailors would attract a completely different type of crowd. Perhaps leg of boar one year and pheasant the next? Whiskey and mead? I love the mayor’s title.

The associations still swap places every year. They are still known as liveries. Both are part of the Great Twelve City Livery Companies (the top 12 in the listing). Sadly, the armor makers did not make the cut. English hierarchy remains alive and well in 21st century Britain.

One last note: the liveries maintain the word “worshipful” in their title (e.g., Worshipful Company of Fishmongers – #4). It’s not clear who they were worshipping, God or King. I think it was basically the same at the time. I would guess neither today. We just don’t have that kind of tradition here in the U.S.

Why do medieval English feasts always make me think of a bunch of people sitting around in the semi-dark eating greasy joints of some animal? Somebody there had to be eating the rest of it.

Moving on:

Was there anyone else whose first reaction to last week’s mega-storm on the east coast was to make sure it wasn’t going to hit them before it got to its destination? And be happy that it was going somewhere else?

Do politicians running for President get as tired of listening to themselves as the rest of us do? I think it should be like Family Feud: two candidates go head to head to see who can guess what Americans really want. Then they’ll know what they should promise (well aware that they won’t be able to do it.)

Why would someone come into a mega-store and ask whether we carry Amazon Fire Sticks? Do they not understand the concept behind Amazon?

Also unclear on the concept: the lady who returned her slow cooker saying that it cooked too slowly. (Yes, it did work correctly.)

If an airline can claim that they have arrived on-time even though they have to sit in queue for an hour and a half, why doesn’t that principle apply for arriving for the meeting they scheduled around your flight?

It’s ironic that they originally built Washington, D.C. on a swamp. I think some of the original residents may still be wandering the government halls.

I did not realize that there are Lego sets now that need to be locked down because they cost more than $100.

I think I need to buy one of the tablets they make for toddlers. They look totally indestructible.

How many kids appreciate (or can even see) the color gradations in a 156-color box of Crayons?

Why can you buy (really) inferior brands of chocolate at Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Easter that are not available the rest of the year? Is it just a sideline for a wax company?

Is your beloved cheap, broke, or chocolate-blind if he/she buys you one of those atrocities? Is it worse to be cheap or chocolate-blind?

Why can’t I find any cards to send for Groundhog Day?