In honor of Super Tuesday tomorrow, we are presenting our first debate. The topic is immigration reform.
Moderator: Welcome to our first debate of the election season. We’re honored to have you with us. The format of the debate is that I will ask a question of one of the candidates who will then answer the question. The other candidates will be given the opportunity to respond. No hissing, spitting, biting, or eating. We do not want the voter to confuse us with the Republicans or Democrats.
Let me introduce you to the candidates:
Charles Scruffikan from Detroit, MI
Edward “Biff” Kellingham III from Braintree, MA
Creamsicle from Los Angeles CA
Jaime Tiggs from Washington, DC
Moderator: Mr. Kellingham, let’s start with you. How do you feel about the country’s immigration policy?
(Biff looks confused.)
Biff: Would you mind clarifying the question?
Moderator: Are you in favor of allowing foreigners into this country, either illegally or legally?
(Biff still looks confused.)
Biff: Where would they be coming from?
Moderator: Mainly Central America and the Middle East.
Biff: Oh, OK. You’re talking about Chihuahuas and Caucasian Mountain Dogs. That type of thing. I’m definitely against it. We already have way too many dogs here.
(The other cats nod vigorously. Now the moderator looks confused.)
Moderator: No, I meant people.
Creamsicle: I don’t mean to interrupt, but you mean that we would have to decide one by one who gets to come into the country? I mean, how else would we know if they are cat people?
Biff: I agree with Creamsicle. There is no way that the immigration question can be about people.
Charles: I think I know what the humans are talking about. We have zebra mussels invading the Great Lakes. I definitely think we should get rid of them and not allow any more in. They impact the fish population.
Biff (nodding): That makes sense. My favorite trout is getting hard to find. Some other breeds have invaded the water and bred with them.
Creamsicle: And those fish that walk out of the water. They’re really creepy.
Jaime: In Florida, my home state, boa constrictors have invaded the swamps. They eat anything around them. They’ve even killed a couple of alligators.
(The other cats look horrified.)
Jaime: Not only that. There’s all kinds of plants that are coming in from somewhere and killing off the natives. Pretty soon it won’t even look like the Everglades.
Biff: And there are all those plants and trees the rich people imported that are taking over the East Coast.
Creamsicle: And the West Coast.
Charles: We have purple loosestrife taking over all the land it can get.
Jaime: And kudzu is all over the South.
Moderator: I think we can all agree that those are problems. But what about the people?
(The cats stop talking and look at him.)
Jaime: Obviously the humans are going to have to figure that out. We’ll be much too busy.
(The others nod.)
Biff: I heard that if you stand still too long, the kudzu will grow over you.
Charles: I think we’ve handled this question. What’s next?
Moderator (shaking his head): I think we’re done for today. Remember to prep for the next debate. We’ll be talking about the budget.
(More applause and the lights are turned off.)
Biff: Anyone interested in a nice bowl of cream? It’s on me.
Creamsicle: Ooooh, yummy!
(The cats all walk off together talking and laughing.)
Ed. Note: Exit polls show a great deal of indecision about who won the debate. The only comments were on the candidates’ looks and speaking voices.