(For those of you without children of the appropriate age, Sheriff Callie is the star of Disney’s Sheriff Callie’s Wild West for preschoolers. She is a female calico cat who is the sheriff of Nice and Friendly Corners.)
Moderator: We welcome back Super Snoops and Kommando Kitty. It’s been a while. How have you been?
Snoops: Thanks for having us. We’ve been having a great summer. I’ve got a new bed. Mom says it was a Christmas present, but I’m sure she’s wrong. I never would have ignored such an awesome bed in the middle of the front room for six months.
Kommando: I think that bed was supposed to be for both of us, but she’s been hogging it. We’ll be sharing it in the cold weather.
Snoops: Maybe. You’re pretty warm with all that fur.
Kommando: It’s been a good summer for me too. For some reason, I’ve been shedding a lot this year. My fur is everywhere regardless of how often they brush me. I don’t understand it, but the humans don’t think it’s as cool as I do to have my fur in their food.
Commentator: So, what do you have for us today?
Snoops: We have our friend, Sheriff Callie, on the phone. She wants to discuss a certain toy that she found when she was shopping for a gift. She was totally appalled and wanted to warn your listeners to be aware that it is out there.
Commentator: Sheriff, thank you for taking the time to be with us today.
Callie: I appreciate you having me. And please, call me Callie.
Moderator: Callie, I was told that you had a rather unsettling experience in a store recently and wanted to share what had happened.
Callie: Yes, that’s right. I recently made a trip to a human toy store to find something for someone at Nice and Friendly Corners. I wanted something educational. I must tell you, humans have a strange idea of learning toys.
Kommando: Callie, we couldn’t agree more. I bet you couldn’t find a training mouse anywhere.
Callie: It’s worse than that. They have something called Play Doh. They are supposed to use this vile-smelling substance to make things. In one of the boxes they had things so the small human could pretend to be a dentist. It looked like some alien creature was working on the teeth of a hamburger.
Moderator: Does the box say why they would want to put a paw inside a hamburger’s mouth? I can’t imagine what it would teach them.
Callie: I can’t either. There were other boxes that showed them using the stuff to make cupcakes and ice cream. I can’t believe humans let their children eat that stuff.
Moderator: Well, humans do have some odd tastes. Have you ever seen those little green trees they eat? They say it has lots of good things in them. I don’t know about that, but they taste terrible. I don’t know a single cat who likes them.
Snoops: Our humans eat them, but we won’t even get near them. I think they’re called broccolis.
Callie: I think you’re right. But I need to tell you about what I saw next. They have little pink vacuum cleaners from a company called Wish I Was Home.
Commentator: You mean they train little girls how to use those things?
Callie: Yes! And it looks like they start pretty young. It was small.
Commentator: Why do you think they would do that?
Callie: I have no idea. But I can imagine cats everywhere being traumatized by little girls running after them with those things.
Snoops: I know a lot of cats who won’t go near small humans. I bet that’s why.
Commentator: I’m sure you’re right. What can we do about it Callie?
Callie: I wanted to make sure everyone knew about it so they can protect their kittens. It’s not just the adult humans who need to be watched.
Commentator: Thank you for your warning. I’m sure our audience appreciates your coming on our show with this important information.
(Audience applauds vigorously.)
Commentator: Thank you once again to joining us.
Callie: It was my pleasure. Thank you for having me. (Ends the call)
The cats all look at each other, horrified.
Kommando: Well, at least we know.