Category Archives: Animals

12

Halber Home for Traumatized Turkeys

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It’s the busiest time of the year at the Halber Home for Traumatized Turkeys. Not only did severe anxiety and panic attacks frequently occur around Thanksgiving, but the population always increased substantially. Most of the residents only stayed a short time, until they were reunited with family, but others had no other place to go.

The home itself was actually acres and acres of woods where the turkeys could roam peacefully and forget about friends and relatives who gave their lives in the name of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for the humans. Some had barely escaped the same fate, while others only knew that they had lost loved ones at this time of the year.

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Mrs. Thomas, who ran the home, welcomed each resident as they arrived, telling them the rules of the house:

  1. Everyone is welcome.
  2. You can stay as long as you’d like.
  3. No relating horror stories, except with trained staff.
  4. No talking about other residents behind their backs.

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Mrs. Thomas was standing at the entryway when three pigs approached her.

Pig: Hello. My name is Herman. This is Penny and Junior. We’re hoping you can help us.

Mrs. Thomas: Well, I’ll certainly try. What’s the problem?

Herman: We thought we were living with a very kind man. He let us stay in a nice barn and fed us well.

Junior broke in.

Junior: But he was just fattening us up. He’s going to send us out to be smoked as hams for next Easter.

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Mrs. Thomas: My goodness! Are you sure?

Penny: Absolutely. I heard him on the phone. He thinks we’re just dumb animals who don’t understand anything. But he’s wrong.

Mrs. Thomas: That’s terrible. How can I help? I don’t know any pig sanctuaries.

Junior (hesitantly): We thought that maybe we could stay here for a while. Penny has some relatives down South, but it will take a while to make arrangements. And we don’t have any time. We’ve heard that everyone is welcome. We were hoping that includes pigs.

Penny: Yes, please?

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Mrs. Thomas: Hmm. This is rather unusual. We’ve never had anyone but turkeys here before. I’m not sure how the residents would feel about that.

Penny: But we don’t have anyplace else to go. He’s going to find us if we keep walking.

Mrs. Thomas thought for a few minutes. The pigs were getting more nervous. Every time they heard a noise on the road they jumped. They didn’t know what they would do if Mrs. Thomas turned them down.

Mrs. Thomas: As I said, I’m not really sure whether you’d be welcome here. I need to talk with some of the staff.

Herman: How long will that take? We need to keep running if we can’t stay here.

Mrs. Thomas: It shouldn’t take long. Come in and hide in those woods while we decide.

She pointed to a dense group of trees not far from the road. The pigs sighed with relief. At least they were safe for a while. Everyone probably knew they were gone by now.

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Penny: Thank you so much, Mrs. Thomas.

Junior: We’re extremely grateful, even if the rest of it doesn’t work out.

They heard trucks on the road and scattered, the pigs to one side and Mrs. Thomas to the other. Watching the truck move slowly along the road looking at each side, the pigs realized the humans were looking for them.

Human 1: Maybe we should get out and look in the woods.

Human 2: Why bother? Those pigs aren’t smart enough to hide. They couldn’t have gone far. It’s not like they can run with the amount of food they’ve been eating. We’ll spot them soon.

Human 1: We have to. Mr. Jeager said we’d have to pay for them if we can’t find them. I can’t believe they got that gate open. We weren’t gone that long.

Human 2: Just keep looking.

The pigs looked at each other in terror.

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Herman: You were right, Penny. We’re lucky they think we’re so dumb. It wasn’t any trouble at all to get that latch open.

Junior: We better hope Mrs. Thomas will let us stay. It looks like those guys will be looking-

for a while.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Thomas was meeting with the staff and a few of the long-term residents.

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Next week: Will the turkeys lets the pigs stay or are they too traumatized to be around anything other than more turkeys?

Photos courtesy of Google Images

 

7

The Animal Rights Coalition – Part 4

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Image result for animals as attorneys meme

Where we are: The Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) has been working to stop humans from using their names as insults. They have had no luck with submitting a petition or trying to meet with the members of the Human Council. Gregg Bear and Ivan Tiger decide that it is time to consult with a lawyer. (Links to the previous sections are found at the right)

Gregg and Ivan are waiting in the offices of Sharkfin and Sharkfin to meet with the attorney. A well-groomed Siamese cat approached them.

Siamese: Hello, I’m Greta. I’ve been assigned your case.

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Gregg and Ivan looked at each other. Was this some kind of joke? This cat was not going to intimidate a bunch of humans. What was she going to do? Purr loud?

Ivan: Meaning no disrespect….

Greta: You want to know why I’m not a shark, right?

Gregg: Actually, yes. We’ve been trying to get a bunch of humans to listen to us and we wanted someone to get their attention.

Greta: Actually, that’s why they sent me. If you two aren’t going to intimidate them, we certainly won’t.

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Ivan: What do we do?

Greta: First, you have to know what is going to get their attention. What can you do that they can’t ignore? When do you interact with the humans?

Ivan: We see them at the stores and at work. But that’s just the regular humans.

Greta: OK. But they’re all just regular humans.

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Ivan: Some of them are more important. They own things and tell other people what to do.

Gregg: We want to get their attention.

Greta: Then you need to make them understand that their insults are having an impact on their business. You need to tell people to stop using their products until the humans stop insulting you.

Gregg and Ivan left, confused. They had wanted to hire someone to sue the humans. This cat wanted them to educate the humans. They called another ARC meeting.

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Gregg: We met with a lawyer. She said that we need to get the humans to see that we’re important to their business before they’ll listen to us.

Cecile Ferret: I guess that makes sense. They’ve thought they’re better and smarter than us forever.

Joe Iguana: They take us for granted.

Ivan: That’s what the lawyer said.

Ralph: OK. What do we do?

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The animals talked about which businesses they might be able to influence. They decided that they would only do one at first to see if anything happened. The first business they targeted was Adderson’s Shoe Supplies. They posted this message outside shoe stores:

“Please buy a brand other than Adderson’s. Their advertising calls tired, stinky feet “dogs”. We want them to find a different way to sell their product. Thank you. ARC

The signs didn’t work. People still bought the shoes.

Gregg: I don’t think this is a very good idea.

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Joe: I don’t know why we chose shoes. We don’t wear shoes. We should have done food. Food is always good.

Cecile: Did you hear? We made the news!

“Tonight’s local take is the boycott ARC is trying to start against Adderson’s Shoes for slander. It seems the animals are finally tired of being insulted. Good luck!”

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Ivan: Great. We’ll need it.

Cecile: It gets better. Look at this:

Animal call for end to insults spreads. Several areas have picked up on the ARC animals’ quest to end animal name insults. Protest is gaining momentum.

Three months later: Due to grass-roots pressure from their customers, humans included, the Human Council began the process to identify and eliminate institutional animal insults.

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Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

 

17

The Animal Rights Coalition – Part 3

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Where we are: The Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) tried to take a petition to a human council meeting, but were barred from entering. ARC wanted the humans to stop using animal names as insults. A guard took the petition and said that he would give it to council.

Two weeks went by before the animals received a letter from W. Charles Smith, President of the Council on Human/Animal Relations:

Dear Animals

We have received your petition listing your concerns about us using your names as insults. We appreciate your bringing this matter to our attention. I have assigned a committee to look into the matter.

Sincerely

W.C. Smith

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Julie Giraffe: Those rotten rutabagas! They’re just trying to get rid of us.

Roni Baboon: You’re right, Julie. They’re not going to do anything.

Chester Rabbit: I’m afraid you’re right. We’ll have to try something else.

Ralph Badger: Let’s dig under their building and let it collapse.

Benny Buffalo: No, let’s stampede them.

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Simon Skunk: No, we should sabotage their air filtration.

Chester: Calm down, everyone. That’s not going to make anyone happy. We need to work together.

Chrissy Calico: I don’t know what we can do. They don’t respect us at all. Remember what he called us? “Cute.” Humans don’t pay attention to “cute”.

Gregg Bear: OK, let me talk to them. They won’t think I’m cute and cuddly. I’m over 500 pounds of muscle and fur.

Ivan Tiger: I’ll go too. I can growl loud enough to scare any human.

Ralph: I guess that will work. But be polite. Otherwise, they’ll call you animals.

Chrissy: They are animals.

Ralph: I know. But humans use it as an insult.

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Gregg and Ivan walked over to the Council Hall and went in the front door. The receptionist looked up and asked if she could help them.

Ivan: Yes, thank you. We would like to see Mr. Smith, please.

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment?

Ivan: No, we don’t. Please tell him we’re from ARC.

Receptionist (knowing there would be trouble if she let a bear and a tiger into the building): Mr. Smith doesn’t see anyone without an appointment.

Ivan: Please tell him that we won’t take up much of his time.

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Receptionist (beginning to get nervous): I’m sorry, but you’ll have to make an appointment.

Ivan: Please just ask.

Receptionist: All right. Let me check.

She called someone and said that there was a bear and a tiger to see Charles. No, they weren’t threatening. They were very polite. She listened, then hung up the phone.

Receptionist: Someone will be out shortly.

Ivan: Thank you.

Ivan and Gregg moved to the side of the lobby and waited. Before long, two security guards arrived.

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Security Guard: What seems to be the problem?

Ivan: There isn’t a problem. We just want to see Mr. Smith.

Security Guard: Didn’t the lady tell you you’d need an appointment?

Ivan: Yes, she did. We just need a minute of his time.

Guard: He won’t see you. You need to leave.

Ivan: Why won’t he see us?

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The guard didn’t want to tell them that Mr. Smith was afraid of large animals.

Guard: He can see whoever he wants.

Gregg: That’s ridiculous. Just let us past. We’ll find him ourselves.

Guard (nervously): You need to go now.

Ivan was getting irritated. He let out a low growl. Gregg took a step toward the guard.

Gregg: Now see here…

Guard: Leave this minute or I’ll call the police.

Gregg: Let us past you.

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The guard picked up the phone.

Guard: Yes, we need you at the Council Hall. There’s a bear and a tiger here. We need you to get them out of here. They’re meaner than grizzlies.

Gregg: I AM a grizzly.

Guard: I mean they’re madder than wet hens.

Gregg and Ivan looked at each other in disgust and stalked out the door.

Ivan: I guess we’ll have to get a lawyer.

He took out his phone and entered the number.

Voice: Sharkfin and Sharkfin, Attorneys-at-Law. How may I help you?

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12

The Animal Rights Coalition – Part 2

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Image result for group of animals

Where we are: The Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) has decided that they need to send a petition to the humans telling them how offensive they found the use of animals in a lot of the human insults.

Douglas Gorilla was ready to read the petition that his group had put together to the rest of the members.

Douglas: We spent quite a lot of time putting this together and would like the input of everyone else to make it as good as possible.

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Dear Humans

We would like you to reconsider your usage of animal names in your insults. For example, “hairy as an ape,” is not considered an insult in our world. We would appreciate you not using it in such a manner either. There are many other examples of problem phrases.

Image result for snake in the grass meme

We feel that such insults stereotype us, generally in a negative way. You use “snake in the grass” to define someone who looks harmless, but can’t be trusted. Snakes live in the grass because that’s a logical place for someone to be who doesn’t have feet or legs. They only feel threatened if someone comes near. Humans with big feet and boots are especially scary to snakes.

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We would be happy to work with you to create a list of more appropriate insults at whatever time and place is convenient for you. We will provide a translator, if you like.

You may respond to carabbit@arcanimals.org, We look forward to hearing from you.

 Sincerely,

Animal Rights Coalition

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Douglas: We thought that everyone could sign so they know it’s a group effort.

Ida Hyena: I think it’s great. If I hear one more “laughing like a hyena joke,” I might have to bare my teeth in public.

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Jeni Dodo: I agree. We could suggest that they could just use “dumb as a rock,” rather than “dodo”, it would be great.

Chester: All in favor of sending the petition?

The result was unanimous. They decided that they would deliver the petition by hand/paw. Chester and Chrissy Calico were chosen so the humans wouldn’t feel intimidated.

Image result for rabbit reading'

A few days later, Chester and Chrissy went to a human council meeting. They were stopped at the door.

Guard: This is a human meeting. No animals.

Chester: We just want to deliver a petition to your council.

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Guard: Let me check.

He called someone on his phone. Chester and Chrissy waited patiently. The guard explained the situation. They heard him say, “Actually, they’re pretty cute. Nothing dangerous at all.”

Guard: He said that you can’t go in, but I can take your petition and they will look at it after the meeting and get back with you.

Chester and Chrissy looked at each other. It seemed like there was no other option. They gave the petition to the guard.Image result for rabbit and cat

Next week: What will the humans do with the petition? Will they even look at it?

 

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

 

 

 

 

8

The Animal Rights Coalition

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Chester Rabbit called the quarterly meeting of the Animal Rights Coalition (ARC) to order.

Chester: Welcome everyone. We need to finish one item from our last meeting before we can move on to today’s agenda. We have to finish our discussion about how to address the human use of animal names as insults. The first thing we need to do is reopen the topic.

The animals started to talk among themselves. This item was very important to all of them and they were eager to get back to work.

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Buddy Squirrel: I move to reopen the topic.

Ralph Badger: I second the motion.

Chester: All right. How many in favor?

Paws and hands went up around the room.

Chester: How many opposed?

Dead silence.

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Chester: The motion passed. Ballou, please turn on the recorder.

Ballou Bear, whose mother was a huge movie fan, flipped the switch. It was so much easier to get started now that they could record rather than manually write down the notes. The simians had insisted on the purchase. They were tired of always being the ones to write.

Chester: The best way to start is to identify exactly what we mean by insults. Remember the rules: no talking over others, no arguing with someone’s ideas, and no intimidation. One idea per animal. If you choose to present multiple ideas, wait until after the others have had their turn.

The animals quickly lined up to speak:

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“catty/catfight” – Why is it that when two women say nasty things to each other it’s being catty? We’re not mean. But even worse, if they end up actually hitting each other, it’s a catfight? Everyone knows that most of us don’t fight, and if we do, it’s most likely the males.

“eat like a pig/act like a pig” – Where did we get the reputation that we’re sloppy and eat too much? We’re actually clean animals; we use the mud to cool off. And we don’t eat that much compared to what we weight. We’re this big because of the way we’re made, not because we eat too much.

“dog-faced/dog” – Why are we the standard for ugly? We’re just like every other species. Some of us are good looking, some not so much. But to classify all of us as ugly is just mean.

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“eat like a bird” – They say it like it’s some kind of eating disorder. We eat like we do because we have beaks. We can’t pick up a lot of food at one time. We eat all through the day; we need energy for flying.

“ugly duckling” – This insult is just rude. Why would you call someone’s child ugly? We know it’s because the baby swan didn’t look like the baby ducks, but that doesn’t mean it was really ugly.

“batty/bats in the belfry” – What makes us the standard for crazy? We fly at night, but so do owls, and they’re supposed to be wise. As far as hanging out in a belfry, it’s a good place to sleep. It’s high, it’s isolated, and the humans can’t get at us.

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“a leopard can’t change his spots” – Of course we can’t. That would be like asking them to change their skin. Why does that get connected to people who can’t change their bad habits? Our fur is not something that should be changed.

“big as a cow” – we agree with the pigs. Just because we’re made a certain way doesn’t entitle humans to use it to insult other humans. Maybe they should be more like us and just accept each other.

“badger someone” – We’re persistent and thorough. How did that get translated into a person who becomes offensive trying to make a point? It seems like they don’t even understand how any of us really are.

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The other animals all nodded in agreement.

Chester: I think that’s a good start. Now we need a few animals to draft our petition to the humans. Is anyone interested?

A bear, two gorillas, and a beaver all agreed to work on something.

Chester: Does anyone want to schedule an extra meeting for next month to decide what our next steps will be?

Douglas Gorilla: So moved.

Ballou: Second.

The motion passed.

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Next week: Do the animals think the petition is ready to go to the humans?

9

Medical School Blues – Part 3

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Image result for siamese cat and husky

Where we are: Suzy Siamese claims that she heard Joey Boxer say that he had been tutoring his friend Socks with information he knew would be on the test. Facing expulsion from medical school, Joey is suing Suzy to prove that he never said it.

Suzy was nervous when she got to the hearing room. She had never been in court before and had no idea what was going to happen. With the judge’s permission, she had brought along a classmate, first-year student Vanessa Siberian-Huskey. The two girls arrived first and were seated on one side of a table.

When Joey arrived, he was seated on the other side of the table. He looked at Vanessa and was struck by how beautiful she was. But then he got nervous. Why did she look familiar? And why was she here?

The judge came in and looked through her paperwork. She looked at Joey.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, you are accusing Ms. Siamese of telling lies about you in public that are causing you to potentially be expelled from medical school. Is that correct?

Joey: Yes, ma’am. She told people that I had cheated when I was tutoring my friend Socks for the microbiology exam. I never cheated, and I want my good name cleared.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, is that true? Did you accuse Mr. Boxer of cheating?

Suzy: Not exactly.

Judge: Well exactly what did you accuse him of?

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Suzy: I didn’t really accuse him of anything. I said that I heard him say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, do you agree that is what Ms. Siamese actually said?

Joey: That’s it. Or at least pretty close to it. She didn’t use the word cheat, but that’s what she meant.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, we can’t convict Ms. Siamese on what her words may or may not have meant. However, I do understand how that could be the conclusion the hearer would arrive at.

Ms. Siamese, you understand that the only true defense against this type of slander charge is to prove that the animal who is accusing you actually said what you are claiming, correct?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, are you certain that you never said those words or anything similar, that Ms. Siamese might have overheard?

Joey: Never, your Honor. I would never cheat, for Socks or anyone else.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, would you please tell me where you heard Mr. Boxer make his alleged claim.

Suzy: Yes, ma’am. After big tests, a lot of the students go to The Watering Hole to relax. They have snacks and all types of things to drink. Mr. Boxer and I were both there after the test.

Joey had a sinking feeling. He had forgotten about going to The Watering Hole.

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Suzy: I have been mentoring Vanessa (nods to her), so when I saw her, I went over to say hello.

Judge: Is that true, Ms. Husky?

Vanessa: Yes, it is.

Suzy: We were talking when Joey came up and offered Vanessa some fruit. She sniffed it and told him no thanks.

Vanessa: It was fermented. I could smell it on Mr. Boxer’s breath.

Joey panicked. Now he remembered Vanessa. He saw her there and wanted to meet her. But she was so beautiful that he was too scared to talk to her. He had stood in a corner eating fruit until he got up the nerve. That fruit was fermented? He hadn’t noticed. How did she know?

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Suzy: Joey took back the fruit, and started to talk to Vanessa.

Vanessa: Yes, he must have nervous. He started talking about how he was at the top of his class and was sure that he would be getting a good internship. I think he wanted to impress me with how intelligent he is.

Joey knew what was coming next. He didn’t remember saying any of this, but he knew what was going to follow.

Vanessa: He told me that he was so good in school that he even had time to tutor his best friend, Socks. I told him that was very impressive. He said it wasn’t too bad because he knew what was going to be on the test, so he only had to teach Socks those things.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, is that true? Did you say that?

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Joey: Your honor, I don’t really remember.

Judge: What do you mean?

Joey: I think the fermented fruit must have made me drunk. I don’t remember any of this conversation.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

Judge: Ladies, do you think that Mr. Boxer was drunk?

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Suzy: That would explain why he wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He’s not usually like that.

Vanessa: I think you’re absolutely right, Judge. His breath was terrible.

Judge: What did you say to Mr. Boxer?

Vanessa: I told him that I didn’t associate with cheaters and growled. I think he left after that.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description of what happened?

Suzy: Yes ma’am.

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The judge looked at Joey.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, I don’t think you have much of a case for slander. Apparently, you did say what you are accused of saying.

Joey: Yes, ma’am, I guess I did. But I honestly don’t remember saying it. I must have been bragging to impress Vanessa. I was pretty sure I knew what was going to be on the test because I knew what the professor had been emphasizing. I don’t even know how to steal a test.

Judge: OK. Ms. Siamese and Ms. Husky, you are free to go. Thank you for coming in. Mr. Boxer, I am going to recommend that the medical school allow you to graduate. You don’t seem to be guilty of anything other than talking too much.

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4

Medical School Blues – Part 2

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Where we are: Joey and Suzy are at the top of their medical school class. Joey has been helping his friend, Socks, do better so he doesn’t have to graduate last in the class. Socks did well on his most recent exam. Suzy said it was because Joey cheated for him.

Poor Socks was devastated. He thought that he had been getting smarter. Now someone said the he was cheating.

Socks: Suzy, does that mean that my score doesn’t count?

Suzy: Did you know Joey had stolen the information he taught you?

Socks: Of course not. I would never cheat.Image result for siamese cat and dog

Suzy: I didn’t think so. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.

Joey: What about me? You just accused me of cheating. I didn’t cheat!

Suzy: Then why did you say you knew the questions ahead of time?

Joey: I never said that!

Suzy: Then why did I hear it?

Joey: You didn’t hear it! I never said it. Take it back before I get into trouble.

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Soon the accusation spread beyond their group of friends. It seemed like everyone knew. It was only a matter of time before someone told the professor.

Professor Gibbs: Mr. Boxer, may I see you after class?

Joey: Of course.

Joey was nervous. It had to be about the exam. What if the professor had heard about Suzy’s accusation?

Gibbs: You did extremely well on my last exam.

Joey: Yes, sir. I studied very hard

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Gibbs: So did your friend, Socks. He’s never gotten higher than a score of 74 on a test.

Joey: We’ve been studying together.

Gibbs: What have you two been studying from?

Joey: The textbook and our notes, of course. Mainly my notes.

Gibbs: I’ve heard from a credible source that you were studying from the actual test that I had prepared.

Joey: Suzy’s lying! I never saw that test before we took it. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.Image result for dog on trial meme

Gibbs: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Suzy outside of class in weeks. I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. Is it true?

Joey: No, it is not.

Gibbs: Then you better find a way to prove that. You’re scheduled to appear before the academic board a week from Tuesday. If they vote that you’ve cheated, you’re going to be expelled.

One more thing, do you know of Mr. Retriever cheating?

Joey: He would never cheat. He’s been studying around the clock since I began tutoring him. He’s actually pretty smart when he focuses.

Gibbs: All right. That’s what we thought. He has been doing better in class.

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Joey: Why do you think I would cheat? I’m at the top of the class.

Gibbs: Exactly. The top students are the only ones who cheat at this point. They’ll do anything they can to be number 1 at the end.

Joey: Thanks for telling me. I guess I better go figure out how to straighten this out.

Joey met with a few of his closest friends. He wasn’t sure who to trust; someone had told administration. Apparently, it wasn’t Suzy.

Joey: I think I’m done guys. How do I prove that I didn’t say something?

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Alex Owl: Where did you supposedly say this?

Joey: I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Suzy since she said it.

Jeremy Airedale: When were the two of you at the same place that she might have heard something that sounds like that?

Joey (frustrated): I don’t know. Socks, do you remember anything?

Socks: Sorry, buddy. I went out to play ball with some of my old friends, and slept until the next class.

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Alex: It looks like you’re in a bit of a mess. There’s only one thing to do. You have to prove that she’s lying.

Socks: That doesn’t seem very nice. She was just talking to some friends. I don’t think she meant it to turn out this way.

Jeremy: That may be true. But I think Alex is right. If we can’t prove that he’s right, then we have to prove that she’s wrong.

Joey: How do we do that?

The next day, Suzy was given a letter. It said that she had to be in court 2 days later. Joey Boxer was suing her for slander and defamation of character.

Next week: Will the trial vindicate Joey?

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12

Medical School Blues

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Suzy Siamese and Joey Boxer had been competitors all the way through medical school. It was generally agreed that they both would be excellent doctors. The end of school was near and they wanted to do their best. Class standing would determine where they could do their internship.

Joey’s best friend in the program was a golden retriever named Max who everyone called him Socks because he had a habit of wearing socks when he was cold rather than curling up like everyone else.

Poor Socks was at the bottom of the class. It looked like he was going to get whatever assignment no one else wanted. His only goal was not to be last.

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Socks: This is awful. You have no idea how terrible it feels to be at the bottom of the class. I feel like an idiot.

Joey: You’re not an idiot, buddy. This is a great school.

Socks: Yeah, but maybe I should have gone to Canine U. I probably would have done better at a school without all these smart animals from other species. I could have competed with other Goldens and dogs who are closer to me intellectually. I might have even been near the top of the class.

Joey: You belong here. You didn’t wash out like those losers with really rotten grades.

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Socks: Maybe. But look who’s at the top of the class: you, that cat, and a falcon. I’m going to end up in East Siberia.

Joey: It won’t be that bad. We don’t even partner with a school in Siberia.

Socks: That’s not funny. You know what I mean.

Joey: OK. OK. You might be right. I would hate to be at the bottom of the class. Maybe I can help.

Socks: How? Change my grades in the computer? Get some of the animals ahead of me to drop out?

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Joey: No, goofball. I can tutor you.

Socks: Do you have time for that?

Joey: I’ll make time for you, buddy.

Socks: Thanks! That’d be great! I just want to pass that cuckoo. It is so embarrassing being behind him.

Joey: We can probably do even better than that.

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A few weeks passed. Suzy was meeting with her study group. It was a good group for her. Everyone was in the top quarter of the class.

Pete: That’s it for tonight. If I have to see one more drawing or picture of bacteria, I’ll go crazy.

June: Me too. I think my brain is full for today.

Betty: Did you hear the latest? Joey is tutoring Socks.

Ben: Poor Socks. I can’t believe he made it to the end. He’s such a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of an attention span.

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Suzy: I really don’t know how he can study. And I wonder how Joey has time to tutor an animal like that.

Ben: Who knows. Anyone up for a quick snack at the café?

They spent a short time eating, then went home to study.

It appeared that the tutoring was working. Socks began to answer correctly when he was called on in class.

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Professor Atkins: Well, Mr. Retriever, it seems that you have finally learned how to study.

Socks: I have to thank Joey Boxer for the change. He’s been tutoring me.

Professor Atkins: Good job, Mr. Boxer.

Socks’ performance continued to improve. Even so, he was nervous about the microbiology test coming up.

Socks: What if I forget everything? We would have wasted all that time.

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Joey: Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

Joey was right. Socks got 85/100, his highest grade ever. He was thrilled, until Suzy spoke up.

Suzy: I heard Joey Boxer say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Next week: Did Joey cheat or was Suzy just trying to get him in trouble so she’d have fewer competitors?

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

18

Llama Drama – Part 3

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Where we are: The girls have each been invited to the Homecoming Dance, but not by the boy that she was hoping for. Now none of them will speak to the others. The boy llamas are totally confused about what is happening, so they ask Tiffany’s boyfriend Stewart to find out.

Stewart got the guys together and explained what was going on with the girls.

Brian: Girls are so weird. We were having so much fun at the games that we thought they might like to go to Homecoming.

Joey: Yeah. It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing.

Brian: I guess we should have just gone as a group.

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Joey: What do we do now?

They all looked at Stewart.

Stewart: Don’t ask me. I think the whole thing is stupid. It’s not like you asked them to marry you.

Johnny: That’s true. But I still feel bad.

Brian: Maybe we should get them all together and tell them that we thought it would be more fun if we went as a group instead of couples.

Joey: That might work.

Johnny: I’m in.

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Stewart: Good luck getting them together in one place.

Brian: Hmm. That’s a good point.

The guys tossed around a few ideas, but nothing sounded right.

Joey: Maybe we should each text the girl we asked and have them meet us at the track after school tomorrow. Since they’re not talking, they won’t know everyone else will be there too.

The two other llamas agreed that was the best solution. Each of the girls agreed to meet, excited to get to know their date better.

The guys went to the track together. The first girl to arrive was Lizzy. She looked a little surprised.

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Lizzy: Brian, why are your friends here? I thought we were going to talk.

Brian: We are. Here’s the thing…

Before he could finish what he was saying, Elsa and Rosa arrived from different directions.

Lizzy: Elsa, what are you doing here? Brian, why is she here?

Elsa: What are you doing here, you slimy son of an iguana’s uncle?

Brian (laughing): What kind of an insult is that?

Elsa: You’re right, Brian, it is kind of lame. (Turns to Lizzy) You hippo-brained…

Johnny: That’s not what he meant. He just thought it was funny.

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Rosa: It did sound kind of funny.

Elsa: Who asked you? You’re always butting into things that are none of your business.

Rosa: That’s because all you talk about is your business. We almost never get a chance to talk. Right, Lizzy?

Before Lizzy had a chance to answer, Elsa broke in.

Elsa: There you go again. Trying to get someone else involved in my business. Besides, you’re not even supposed to be here. Johnny asked me here to talk. Alone.

Rosa: Joey asked me here to talk.

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Lizzy: Well, Brian asked me here to talk. And instead of a private talk, I got a herd. What’s going on?

Brian: We feel responsible for you girls fighting and want to do something about it.

Joey: We didn’t realize that you would take the invitations so seriously. I mean, we’ve only gotten together as a group two times.

Johnny: Or had a conversation. We thought it would be better to ask you individually since it’s a dance.

Joey: What we really wanted was to go as a group, like we did to the soccer games.

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The girls looked at them in disbelief.

Lizzy: Brian, are you saying that you invited me so we could be part of a group, not because you like me?

Brian: I like you, Lizzy. As a friend. I think the six of us have a lot of fun together.

Elsa: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. (Looking at Johnny and Joey) Do you two feel the same way?

Johnny: Pretty much. We haven’t known you long enough to know if we really like you.

The girl llamas started to cry. The boy llamas looked down at their hooves.

Brian: We’re really sorry that we hurt your feelings. I guess this means that we won’t be going to Homecoming, right?

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Elsa: You’re an idiot. Of course, we’re not going with you. Personally, I never want to see you again. How about you, girls?

Rosa and Lizzy nodded, wondering if all guys were jerks or if they had just stumbled into a herd of them.

Lizzy: Come on, girls. We have better things to do with our time.

They walked away, talking over each other as they apologized. By the time they got to Lizzy’s house, things were back to normal.

They went to the Homecoming dance as a group, and had a great time. Brian, Johnny, and Joey made other plans for the evening.

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

 

9

Llama Drama – Part 2

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Where we are: The Homecoming Dance is coming up and Elsa Llama is hoping from an invitation from Brian. She’s invited him to a soccer game in hopes of getting to show him that she’s interested.

 The soccer game was a lot of fun. Brian brought a couple of his friends, so there was a group of them who went out to eat afterward. They all agreed to do the same thing the next home game.

The girls stayed up most of the night on the phone,

Elsa: Did you see? Brian sat next to me at the salad bar?

Tiffany: It was the only open seat.

Elsa: I meant that we got to spend a lot of time talking. He’s so nice. A little quiet, though.

Rosa: Did you stop talking long enough for to say anything?

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Elsa sent a spitting llama emoji.

Tiffany: What did you think of the other two?

Rosa: Joey was super-cute. But he talks a lot. Maybe he was just nervous. Johnny was really funny. He’d be great to spend time with. I think he was my favorite.

Lizzy: I’m really glad that we get to see them again next week.

Rosa: Maybe we’ll all get dates to the dance. It would be a lot of fun to go as a group.

It seemed like the week would never end. Finally, it was Friday. Everyone met at the field. They spent a lot of time talking and teasing each other. No one even noticed that their team lost for the second week in a row.

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Tiffany and Stewart decided to go home, instead of joining the others at the salad bar. The six young llamas sat talking until they were kicked out at closing time.

By the time they got home, each of the girls had a text. Lizzy’s was from Brian, Elsa’s was from Johnny, and Rosa’s was from Joey. They all had the same question: Will you go to Homecoming with me? They all turned off their phones for the weekend.

Monday morning, they met before school as usual.

Lizzy: Hey, Elsa. Did your new phone break? I didn’t hear from you after we left the salad bar.

Tiffany: I didn’t hear from anyone. Did I miss a big fight?

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Rosa (blushing): Actually, Joey asked me to the dance. I turned off my phone while I tried to decide. I really like Johnny a lot better.

Elsa: You better go with Joey. Johnny asked me.

Rosa: What did you say?

Elsa: I told him I’d have to think about it.

Rosa: What’s to think about? You want to go with Brian. You can’t just hold on to Johnny as a back-up plan.

Elsa: The dance is only a couple of weeks away, and I really want to go.

Lizzy: I think it’s a good idea for you to go with Johnny. Brian wants to go with me.

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Elsa: What? You stole my boyfriend?

Lizzy: He’s not your boyfriend.

Rosa: Besides, you have no trouble going with the guy I like.

Elsa: I can’t help that he prefers me.

Lizzy: So why are you upset that Brian prefers me? It’s the same thing.

Elsa: No, it’s not. You never would have met the other guys if I didn’t want to spend time with Brian. You’re the worst friend a llama could have. I’m never speaking to you again.

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Lizzy: Fine: If you’re going to be that stupid, I don’t want to be your friend either.

Rosa: You’re being selfish, Elsa. You have someone to go with.

Elsa: Stay out of this, Rosa. It’s none of your business.

Rosa: Yes, it is. You did the same thing to me.

Tiffany tried to calm things down, but the girls yelled and spit at each other until class started. They refused to eat lunch together, and wouldn’t talk to each other.

This behavior lasted for several days. The guys were confused. On Friday, everything was great. Now, the girls weren’t even talking to each other. Homecoming didn’t look like much fun anymore. They sent Stewart to find out what was happening.

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Stewart: Hey Tiff. Why are your friends being so goofy? I thought they wanted to go to Homecoming.

Tiffany: They do, but with different guys.

Stewart: They should have turned these guys down.

Tiffany: They want to go with these guys, but with different partners.

Stewart: That’ s dumb. They barely know these guys. They’ve known each other for years.

Tiffany: I know. But they won’t listen.

Next week: Who will the girls choose? The guys or their best friends?

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images