8

Inter-Species Peace: An Elephant’s Perspective

 

Image result for african animals

 

You may recall that at last year’s staff meeting, I said that I was following a group of sub-Saharan animals who were trying to model a peace plan. A year later, it doesn’t seem that they have made much progress.

Things got off to a rocky start. A lioness offered to host the first session. She served zebra pate as one of the appetizers. Zebra pate is highly prized by the lions. Not so much by the zebras and other herbivores. The session ended before it began. The hyenas scarfed the pate before they left.

Image result for hyena

The lions sent off an apology of sorts: “We are sorry if the vegetarians on our task force were offended by our food. We did not understand that they would be offended if we ate our foods in our homes. We thought it would be sufficient to not eat our guests.”

Image result for lions

A little terrified by these comments, the herbivores refused to meet with the carnivores. Finally a chimpanzee came up with a compromise. First, there would be no food served and no talk of killing. Second, the herbivores would be taken to and from the meetings in a vehicle provided by the humans (with no humans present). Third, the lions would send a male representative since they were the less predatory gender. Fourth, no animal would be allowed to attend meetings without signing the agreement.

Image result for chimpanzee

After some discussion, the animals agreed to sign. The chimpanzee thought that the group was on its way to showing the humans how to cooperate. Particularly when they discovered that the male lion was content to sleep in the sun through most of the meetings.

So they moved onto water rights.

Hippo: I don’t think it’s right that the elephants get to drink so much water.

Elephant: At least we don’t lie in it all day and release “organic matter” into it.

Wildebeest: The water does taste like hippo sometimes.

Hippo: How do you know? Have you ever eaten a hippo?

Leopard: Not to create another crisis, but it does taste of hippo.

Image result for hippos in water

Hippo (offended): Fine. At least, I don’t wallow in mud like the warthog over there.

Warthog: What does that have to do with anything? You’re just being a bully.

Chimp: OK everyone, let’s get back on topic. How do we share the water?

Antelope: How about if the meat-eaters would let us get a drink in peace?

Cheetah: You’ve obviously never had to fight for food. We have to take it when we can find it.

Image result for cheetah

Gnu: I knew this wasn’t going to work. It’s always back to food for the predators.

Cheetah: It’s not our fault that we have to eat meat to survive.

Hyena: Or that some of you are so tasty.

(Everyone glares at him. He slinks away.)

Elephant: See? That’s what I mean.

Image result for lion yawning

Lion (yawning): Will you all just be quiet? I just ate two gazelles and you’re ruining my digestion.

 

  “Ace” Sopp reporting from Nairobi

(pictures courtesy of Google Images)

Advertisements
2

The Great (Zoo) Escape – Day 3

UPDATE – 9/8/15

Reliable sources have spotted our three fugitive bears crossing the border into Canada. They entered the country quietly in a heavily wooded area. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have stated that they will not be pursuing the bears now that they are in the country. Mountie Michael says that, “There is no evidence of the bears causing a problem. Additionally, The U.S. has been unable to provide us with enough identifying information to isolate those bears from others in the area.”

The Bonners Ferry Police Department has been working with the zoo to determine exactly what happened the day of the escape. They are not having much luck with the security tapes. It appears that the birds have turned the cameras in their part of zoo toward the peacocks and flamingos. They use the video feedback for preening. Other cameras have been modified to watch the humans rather than the animals, “to deal with the boredom of being here.”

 

        

Authorities are writing the escape off as an unsolved crime. There are rumors that some of the humans working at the zoo are secret animal libertarians, but I have been unable to find any evidence. The hyenas are no longer providing any information, so the case is at a dead end.

Ed. Note – Adventure in Cheeseland is sending Bosco Bear to Canada to interview the three bears. His report will appear shortly.

0

The Great (Zoo) Escape – Day 2

UPDATE – 9/7/15

The Bonners Ferry Police Department has received several tips regarding the grizzly bears who escaped yesterday. As expected, they appear to be traveling north, with the most recent sighting near the Canadian border.

Apparently the bears have been taken in by a group of wild grizzlies in the far northern part of the state. Local rangers say that they are unable to identify the missing bears because of “significant similarities” with some of the wild bears. Some of the grizzlies are shown below:

 

Image result for grizzly bear group

 

Image result for grizzly bear group

 

In related news, one of the hyenas at the zoo have told the authorities that the bears had inside help with their escape. An unidentified monkey took the key to the back door from one of the attendants and unlocked the door. Meanwhile, some of the snakes left their enclosure and distracted the attendants. Apparently the bears walked out the front gate with a group of visitors. Police are looking at security tapes from the time of the escape.

 

Image result for hyenas  Homer

 

No motive has been identified for the timing of the escape. However, several of the other animals had noticed Brutus being more withdrawn recently.

We will keep you updated as news comes in. The police would like to remind you that these bears are armed and dangerous.