23

Stupid Question: Are Cats Smart?

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Well, of course we are.

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Cats are Smarter than Dogs

Humans always talk about how smart dogs are. That’s because dogs are dumb enough to take the humans’ tests. We cats have better things to do with our time.

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Our brain structure and folding (that thing that make brains look lumpy) is 90% similar to the humans. We’re not really sure we agree that thinking like humans makes us smart, but they do. We have 300 million neurons (nerve cells) in the part of the brain that controls thinking and decision-making (the cerebral cortex). Dogs only have 160 million neurons. Cats rule.

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We Learn the Same Way Humans Do

Cats have what they call procedural learning. We watch and then we do it ourselves. That’s why we can open doors, ring bells, and turning on lights. Generally, we don’t turn lights out (that’s left to our human minions).

We also have what is called object permanence recognition. Just because we can’t see something doesn’t mean we don’t know it’s there. That’s why it’s a really bad idea for humans to hide our treats. We know they’re somewhere, and we will find them.

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We totally rock at taking new information and applying it to what we already know. Then we can use what we have learned in new situations. We are extremely intelligent kitties.

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We are Smarter than Your Human Baby

We can eat our food by ourselves within a few weeks of being born. Your baby needs to be fed for an extended period of time.

20 Of The Cutest Pictures Of Cats And Babies

There is no question that we are cleaner than your baby. Your baby doesn’t care what they look like or what they are covered in. We wouldn’t dream of going out without being fully groomed. And we bathe ourselves.

We are capable of catching our own food. When was the last time you saw a human baby catch a mouse for dinner?

A Cat's Guide to Training Your Human - YouTube

We Train our Humans, They Don’t Train Us

We do what we want to do, when we want to do it. We have our humans trained to feed us, cuddle us, and clean up after us. They play when we want to. A few purrs and cute looks, and they are wrapped around our paws.

So stand tall, fellow cats. We are the superior beings.

This is a picture of a cat., The cat is strutting its stuff.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

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30

Cats of the World, Unite!

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We have obtained a copy of the meeting notes from the Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference of June 19, 2018. We are printing it for all cats who are planning to join Cat World Domination Day on June 24. DO NOT let your humans see it.

Midwest Regional Cat Special Conference

June 19, 2018

Chicago, IL

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Murray: I hereby call this Special Conference to order. Before we get started on the main topic, are there any questions?

Herb: Are we going to be violent in this takeover? I don’t like violence.

Murray (patiently): No, Herb. I’ve explained this to you before. The point of Domination Day is to get the humans to do more for us, not to eliminate the humans.

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Janis: Are we going to include the ferals?

Murray: We’ve reached out to as many of the ferals as we can. A large number of them don’t want to have anything to do with humans. We have gotten commitments from some of the younger ones.

Mike: Have we tried bringing the dogs on board?

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Murray: I thought it was a waste of time. They don’t mind being subservient to humans.

Mike: Good point.

Murray (looking around): Any more questions? Then I’d like to present our speaker, Tabitha Tux.

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Tabitha: Thank you for having me, Murray. I’d like to speak a little about the goals of World Domination Day and then give some pointers. The goal is not to force humans to do our will. We want them to think it’s their idea. It’s not going to be accomplished in one day.

Sunday is really the kick-off for an ongoing campaign. Some lucky cats will see results in a few days, but others may have to wait months.

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Toni: How will we know if we have a hopeless human?

Tabitha: All humans are trainable. The trick is finding the right motivator. It may even be necessary to wait for breakfast.

(gasps from the audience)

Tabitha: You won’t usually need to go to such extreme measures.

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Murray: So how do we train them?

Tabitha: First you need to soften them up. If they have no interest in learning to hunt, stop bringing them prey. If they hate you fighting with your siblings, make a temporary truce.

Joe: Does this include cuddling on demand?

Tabitha: It might. I know it’s awful to be picked up while you’re trying to sleep, but remember the goal.

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Joe: what’s the goal?

Tabitha: You want them to give you a special treat or privilege. Once you get the treat, continue your training until getting the treat is a regular occurrence.

For example, if you love chicken and try to get a piece every time it’s served, try being patient. Chances are the human will tell you what a good kitty you are and give more chicken than you would have stolen.

You will need to work on one behavior at a time. You won’t be able to sleep in their bed at the same time you get to have a catio.

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Murray: All of this sounds like it’s going to take a long time.

Tabitha: It will take a while. But cats are a patient species. Also, humans are herd animals. If one person builds a catio, there is a good chance that the neighbors will try to build a better one.

Remember, humans didn’t get to this point of trainability overnight. It will take some work to reach the final goal.

(Enthusiastic applause from the audience)

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Murray: Any final words of encouragement, Tabitha?

Tabitha: Remember, Sunday is for time with your human. You can talk with your buddies on Monday.

Murray: Thank you for joining us. Tabitha will be here for a while to answer your individual questions.

(More applause. A line immediately forms to talk to Tabitha.)

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images.