Hello! It’s Thunder, back in action! Last year, I wrote a list of well-known Christmas songs to make them more cat friendly. Sadly, as I listen to more Christmas music this year, I realized that people have not taken the hint, and continue to write songs as if only people are listening to them. Harrumph! So, I decided to edit eleven more songs, and a very special bonus from Kommando Kitty(!) to reflect the feelings of a cat! Please enjoy the updated versions to some of our favorite Christmas carols.
Angels We Have Heard on High
This song was done in honor of my sister, Angel! I’m not totally sure why songwriters would choose to feature the slightly less beautiful, less charismatic sister (no offense, Angel!), but oh well! Her name is probably easier to work with in the Christmas season.
“Angels who meow at me,
purring, sitting prettily.
Staring at the food she sees,
waiting for the human to come and feed.
It is finally dinner time!
Meow-oooooow-oooooow-ooooow-ia! Now we will finally get to eat!”
Grownup Christmas List
Grownups have too much stuff (not as much as human kittens, though. They have even more stuff, and most of it is useless!) So why do they need a Christmas list to request more dust gathering junk? Cats, on the other hand, never have enough things. Our boxes get crushed, our beds deflate, our toys hide under couches, and our food disappears! It’s plain awful! Clearly, cats need a Christmas list much more than grownups. I’m thinking our list would like a bit like this:
“Do you remember me?
I have lots of needs.
A mousie and a box in which to play
I also need a bowl, and please fill it up full.
I’m also thirsty, so some water please!
I do need a mat, soft, and furry, and flat.
On this surface I plan to nap!
No more loud noises outside, and no more rain I need to hide, and no more vacuums by my side!
Every cat would have a friend, and naps would never end, and scurchies on the tail bend!
This is my kitty Christmas list.”
Away in a Manger
I asked my human what a manger was, since it sounds suspiciously close to mange, a life-threatening condition that only your vet should treat. She showed me a picture of some trough thing that looked super uncomfortable. But in the song, Jesus had to sleep in one of these “mangers”. A bed sounds much better! And I’m pawsitive Jesus wouldn’t have minded sharing the space!
“Away in a manger,
there lays a tired cat.
She is trying to sleep but keeps getting pats on the back.
She blinks and her eyes close
and on to her back she rolls.
And she hopes that morning will come but very, very slow”.
Let It Snow
I hate snow. It is cold, it is water, and it has no place anywhere near me. Why anyone would advocate for it snowing is beyond me. The only good thing is sometimes we get so much snow that my humans stay home and cuddle with me all day. So, I suppose snow does have some sort of use. Such as:
“Oh, the weather outside is frightful!
But the cat is so delightful!
And since our car won’t go,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
It doesn’t show signs of stopping, so I can be on the couch napping.
Turn the lights off now!
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”
O Come, All Ye Faithful
Large gatherings of people are annoying. They’re loud, and there’s a huge risk of someone stepping on your tail (especially if it’s as long as mine)! The only reason I could see people gathering is to feed and pamper a gaggle of cats. Also, I’ve suspiciously noticed that even people who claim to be cat lovers leave us for hours on end to go to “work” or to “shop and socialize”. This seems a bit odd to me, so I’ve changed “faithful” to “people”.
“Oh come, all you people!
Come and adore me!
I am beautiful
and you are lucky to be by me!
I am a kitty!
Very furry and pretty.
Oh, come and pet me!
Oh, come and feed me!
Oh, come and play and nap with me, right now, human!”
Deck the Halls
I love it when my humans decorate! It gives me an opportunity to find new toys and to give my own touch to the holidays! There are shiny things, and balls, and twinkling lights- it’s like paradise! As such, I wrote a joyful reflection to this:
“Deck the halls and please the kitties!
Hang the balls, get in a tizzy!
Chase the sparkling lights around us!
Fa-la-la-la-la la la-la-la-la!
Feast on gourmet Christmas food now!
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
This song is not solely dedicated to Angel, although once again, it shares her name (she seriously has the easiest name to sing about)! Although, to be fair, all cats sing lovely songs, at all times of the day! Clearly the song should be more like:
“Hark! The herald kitties meow!
At the top of their lungs, they’re super loud!
Peace in the house will be found with food;
this responsibility lies on you.
Joyful when the can arrives!
Pour it out from way up high!
Peace is finally in this house!
Now I shall go and hunt a mouse!
Hark! The herald kitties meow!
Peace in the house is finally found!”
Cats are great at remembering the past (especially when you forget to feed us). So I thought it was fitting that there was a song that reminded you how generous we were in the past year.
“Last Christmas, I gave you a mouse.
But you screamed really loud, and ran out of the house.
This year, to save you from fear, I’ll bring you a bird instead.”
Mary Did You Know
I’m not really sure who Mary was. And I’m not really sure what she was supposed to know. But after hearing the apparent grief she went through prior to people realizing Jesus was a really good guy to have on your side, I’m betting she wished she had a cat. If Jesus had been a cat, we could have sang:
“Mary did you know,
that a lonely cat would fall asleep in your lap?
Mary did you know,
that a kitty cat would ride along in your sack?
Did you know that you’d have to feed a gorgeous, starving feline?
When you get your milk in the morning, get me a bowl to drink!
Mary did you know…”
Need a Little Christmas
Cats deserve the world. We need everything, and should have everything. And Christmas just isn’t centered around cats enough. So, I fixed it!
“Haul out the boxes!
Put up a string of lights for the world to see!
Fill up the glasses.
Make sure they’re full of something I find yummy, please!
For we need a little Christmas! Right this very minute!
Shiny balls hanging! Tearing at the presents,
yes, we need a little Christmas! Right this very minute.
There hasn’t been a single flurry, but I don’t care because I’m furry!”
We Wish You a Merry Christmas
This one seems pretty easy to turn cat friendly: we wish you a meowy catmas! But, of course, humans are too self centered to think about us poor, neglected felines. So, I took it upon myself to write:
“We wish you a meowy Catmas!
We wish you a meowy Catmas!
We wish you a meowy Catmas!
And a sleepy new year!
Good boxes we bring, to you and your friends.
Good munchies on Catmas, and a happy new year!
We wish you a meowy Catmas! We wish you a meowy Catmas!
We wish you a meowy Catmas!
And a sleepy new year!”
And now, what we’ve all been waiting for… The Kommando Kitty bonus! Kommando texted me with this idea, and I fell in love! It is so much better than my version of “Deck the Halls “. I am pleased to introduce to you “Wreck the Halls “, by Kommando Kitty!
Wreck the Halls
“Wreck the halls while chasing mousies! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Break the bulbs and pounce on Frosty! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.
Dangle from the pretty wreath now! Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
Shred the presents and eat the bows! Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!”
I hope you enjoyed these updated and improved carols. Have a safe and happy Catmas, and may it be full of boxes, shiny ribbons, and naps!
Furs and purrs,
Thunder K. Katt