Hello fellow felines. The weather here has been pretty gloomy, and Cat TV has been temporarily cancelled. So we’ve been thinking. There are some questions that we never seem to get answers to. Maybe you’ve gotten an answer from your human and can share it with the rest of us.
Why does the cat food that is “good for you” always taste worse than what you were eating?
Why do humans always say they’ll only be gone a little while? It would be much more useful to use a cat measurement. Like one nap or two. The length of a typical mouse hunt. Until the sun puddles disappear.
Who decides that cat litter smells pleasant? We can smell some of that stuff from the next room.
Why is it so much easier to get fish-flavored treats than other kinds? We have friends who don’t like fish. The only place we could find decent treats was online. It was Christmas, and we didn’t have time to go mousing.
Why does our human say, “Here, kitty kitty”? Did she suddenly forget our names?
Why do humans complain about mice running around the house, but also complain if we show them that we killed it?
Why is it OK for the humans to put their stuff on our cat trees, but not OK for us to lie on their papers?
Why do they tell us we have beautiful fur then complain when we share it with them?
Why do they leave boxes lying around if they don’t want us to use them? (Same question for clothes and other stuff they leave out.)
Why do humans think they get to decide when we cuddle or play?
Whether you’re a party kitty or a more quiet feline, we’re at the point in the holidays where everyone can use a little stress relief. Especially those of you with stressed-out humans. We have some tips for relaxing below:
Get away from it all. Take a break from the festivities and just be comfortable.
Do some yoga. Find your inner peace.
Spend quiet time with friends. Just hang out and enjoy each others’ company.
Go to the spa. Let someone pamper you and feel your muscles relax.
Take a break from the red dot. Sure it’s fun to chase it, but have you ever caught it? After a while, it just gets frustrating.
Drink lots of water. All that party food is making you feel bloated and slow. You need to keep your sleek body and dance moves ready for New Year’s Eve.
Get ready to party. 2020 is finally ending. You don’t want to miss the big celebration.
Greeting furry felines (and their non-furry companions). We have a special treat for you. We want to introduce you to two of our newest friends, Twilight and Sushi. They are the owners of the blog How to Train Your Humans. We’d like to nominate that for the best blog title ever! The blog is cat-tastic too, so head over to take a look.
The interview starts with an introduction, then moves on to questions.
Twilight: I’m Twilight, and I was born in the Can Opener’s back yard while Shrimp was still alive. For the first 6 months I was still feral- living in the back yard with the rest of the litter and my human was taking care of us. She looked after us and tried to keep us warm in the cold, wet, winters and cool and fed the rest of the time. When we were weaned from our Mother, she found homes for my 3 sisters – (one Siamese like me, but not as cute), and two solid black kitties)- but I had wandered off and couldn’t be found when the person came to take my sisters home. Shrimp had already been the established queen of the house, and she used to hiss at me when I came to the back door with my mom to eat. My human would gently tell her to leave us alone and she made sure Shrimp never got the pleasure of shredding me. My mom was still so feral, at that time, my human had to put food down and disappear before mom would go near the back door to eat- and if anyone was there she would watch warily from under a bush until the coast was clear. The human had called a TNR cat rescue place and they trapped Mom and got her checked out by the vet, spayed, and gave her shots- and they tried for a month to find her a home. But Mom wouldn’t have it. So they brought her back to our yard and my human still takes care of her. Now, she will sit on the back porch, and let my human put a dish down in front of her (within inches of her) and then she eats and no longer runs away. But she still won’t come inside- even though its always wet and cold out. But while we were still baby kittens nursing, when my mom would go hunting – the human used to pick me up and clean out my eyes because they were all icky- so I learned not to be afraid of her. So when my sisters were adopted and I was gone, I came back about a week later because there was a bad rainstorm and it was freezing outside and dark, and there had been inches of rain nonstop for those several days, I was so wet and cold and my fur was pink from the bloody flea bites. A neighbor saw me and brought me to the human, and she thanked him and brought me inside (Shrimp protesting constantly)- Shrimp was really mad at the human, but she told Shrimp she wasn’t going to put “this poor baby” back out in the rain and cold. Then she clipped my claws and bathed me in warm water with flea shampoo and rubbed me with coconut oil and declared me part of the family. I haven’t spent a night outside since. I instantly became spoiled and pampered even though Shrimp objected. Shrimp eventually got used to me (she was pampered too)- and we even got to be friends. But one morning Shrimp woke up and wouldn’t eat. And she wasn’t breathing right. We took her to the vet hospital, but there wasnt’ anything they could do to save her. Our human was heart broken- I’d never seen her cry before and I thought she’d never stop crying. I had to do something to help. So I put a call out on ‘Catbook’ to find another tortoiseshell kitty for my human. She had always said she loved Torties because of their cattitude and quirkiness, so I thought if I could find her another Tortie, it would be like giving her Shrimp back and then she’d stop crying. Then I heard about Sushi so I made sure the human’s grown critters found out about her because I knew I’d need their help to bring her here.
Sushi: Hi! I’m Sushi! I’m so happy! I was once very happy as a kitten, but when I got older, my previous human didn’t want me anymore. She wanted to travel to far away places and I was often left alone for a really, really long time- or, left with people who didn’t really want me there and didn’t talk to me or play with me or cuddle me. I was the only kitty, so I didn’t even have sisters or brothers, or furry friends to keep me company. And, you know, you can only get so much entertainment out of a stuffed mouse and empty toilet paper roll, and bored spiders. One day I heard my human talking with a family member and she was saying she didn’t want me anymore and was going to have me put down! I wanted to LIVE! I’m a good kitty, and I’m not sick or anything (but I am old)- I just wanted a place to feel loved and safe and wanted… And then the family member my previous owner had talked to decided she couldn’t just let me get put down. She took me to her house and tried her best for 8 months to find me a home. Nobody wanted to take me because I’m not a kitten- and I’m old. But right when I had lost all hope, the phone rang – and excitement rose in my cute little kitty heart as I heard the end of the conversation that said…”Oh! She WANTS HER? Great! I’ll get her and her things together and meet you after work!” The next thing I knew, I was being put in a carrier (which actually scared me a little)- and put in a car, and after a log trip, I heard a very friendly voice comforting me- it was the daughter of the woman who wanted to keep me! I only know her as “The Critters’ Mom” (that’s what Twilight calls her)- but Twilight had explained to me that she had heard about me and wanted me to meet her Can Opener so she set the whole thing up and then the Can Opener’s Grown Critter brought me to her house. Ever since I got here, I’ve been so happy and pampered! I’m not afraid and lonely any more!! And by the way, this November I turned 13 years old! Now I spend my nights cuddled up next to the Can Opener, all tucked in and warm instead of by myself. In the mornings, I’m the Can Opener’s lap kitty while she has her coffee and prays- then I play with Twilight and the little Critters until they go home and I’m brushed and pampered!
Is there an alpha cat or are you guys more “Live and let live”? Sushi: We both are typically very easy going cats. Twilight would rather play than fight, so she isn’t a challenger by any means. She just wants to get love and play. She’ll hide if she feels threatened. But since coming here, I’ve become an Alpha Cat! It has taken me 13 years to get this happy, and NOBODY is going to steal my human’s affection or take my place!
Sushi, does it bother you being named after a food?
Sushie No, it doesn’t make me nervous being named after food- I LOVE FOOD!!! (I’m 16.9 lbs of lovable cattitude).
Do you go outside or is it strictly Cat TV? Twilight: Oh, no cat tv for me! I’d much rather be out hunting mice, chasing ducks and squirrels and fishing in the stream behind my house! I also love gardening in the neighborhood flower beds, annoying birds, and harraasing the psycho kitty next door.
Sushi: CAT TV, BABY! By the time the grand-critters go home, I’m all played out! (popcorn, please).
Have your humans been driving you nuts since the lockdown?
Sushi: Are you kidding me? I’ve had so much cuddles and attention now, I’m going to hold them “Locked down” forever!
Twilight: Oh, my Can Opener’s cuddling gets a little annoying after 18 hours of following me around with a camera- but as long as she remembers how to open the cans and the back door, I’m good.
What is your favorite thing to do?
Twilight: Present the human with freshly caught mice. I just love her reaction- she loves it so much, she just can’t contain herself. Especially when I present them to her for breakfast in bed!
Sushi: My favorite thing to do is cuddle in the human’s lap in the mornings when she has coffee and prays. It’s a pawsome way to fall asleep (my next favorite thing to do)!
Do you have any favorite Human food?
Twilight: Yes! I love REDI WHIP and egg, and salmon!
Sushi: Tuna!! and Chicken- and CHEESE!!
How do you stay warm in the winter?
Twilight: Well, I got used to being cold when I was feral- I don’t like it, but I just go out and conquer the world anyway, then come inside and cuddle up on my bed (which is conveniently placed in a nook on the human’s desk right under the heater)!
Sushi: I go out and sit in the sunbeams until I use the neighbor’s fence post for a scratcher, then snack on a few bugs, then come in and snuggle up on the couch with the Can Opener. And if she tries to get up before I’m ready, I growl and hiss at her!
We heard you are related to Shrimp (of Hairball Express fame). Does it bug you that humans seem to find that important?
Twilight: Oh no- not at all- Shrimp wasn’t happy when I first came along, but we (secretly) became friends. And now, it’s all about cute little ME -(Okay, Sushi too).
Sushi: Oh no, it doesn’t bother me. It’s very flattering to know that Twilight and the humans sought me out because I would be another kitty like her! She was the model of the purrfect Tortie- in fact, The Can Opener says since I’ve come here, it’s like Shrimp came back from Heaven- only now (she’s a “JUMBO SHRIMP!’ Mol!
Is there anything else you’d like to say?
Twilight: Yes,would you open the door?
Sushi: Yes, I’m hungry. It’s been a whole 15 MINUTES since I ate!
Hope you enjoyed it.
Editorial Note: Sincere apologies for being late. We had many technical difficulties with the several-month-old Chromebook. The last issue was with WordPress magically turning our classically edited post into a block edited post when we added the pictures. It looks OK at our end. Hopefully it gets to you in the same condition.
Since so many humans are on limited budgets this year, we decided to make an exception to our usual listing of gifts we deserve and give you a list of unique gifts. We got them from Etsy, so they are a little different from the usual offerings.
Fur and wood. What more could a cat ask for in a tree? Get a manicure then take a nap.
If you don’t see anything you like, there are about a million (Mom says that’s what you say when you didn’t count them but there’s a lot) catnip toys and kickers in different shapes. If you still don’t like anything, you can ask Mr. Google for “Gifts for the Pampered Cat.” That’s where the really good stuff is.
All product pictures courtesy of Etsy and the pages referenced. All cat pictures courtesy of Google Images. We have not tried any of these products.
Please note: Everyone knows that we would never allow any human to dress us up for an occasion. We are not passing judgement on cats who choose to dress up for the holidays. We are passing judgement on humans who insist their cohabiting cats dress up to please them, the human.
You may remember Yule Cat. He’s an Icelandic enforcer and you want to stay on his good side. Traditionally in Iceland, if you finished all your chores by Christmas Eve you would get a new set of clothes on Christmas.
Yule Cat prowls around the neighborhoods on Christmas Eve, checking children’ s presents to see if they are receiving clothing. If they are, Yule Cat continues on his way. If the child has been naughty and didn’t finish their chores, Yule Cat will see that the child is not receiving a present. Yule Cat eats the child’s meal as an appetizer and has the child for the main course.
We propose something similar. Yule Cat will prowl the neighborhoods, looking in windows. If he sees a kitty dressed in fur, he will pass along. If he sees a kitty dressed up and looking content, he will pass along. However, if he sees a cat who is struggling to get out of the clothes or fighting not to put them on, he will spring into action. Not only will he destroy the offending kitty clothes, he will destroy the festive wear of the responsible human.
We imagine something like this:
Verdict: An obviously unhappy cat. Release the poor creature and show me the way to the human’s closet.
Verdict: Minimal costume. Cats seem relaxed. No need for me here.
Verdict: Someone needs to explain the difference between cats and reindeer to this human. The poor cat is not amused. I hope the human has wool. I love wool.
Verdict: This little one is almost asleep. Let them be.
Verdict: Where do we start? Any human who dresses their cat to look like a drunk Santa is obviously doing it without the cat’s consent. We think we’ll have the dinner as well as the clothes.
Verdict: This is not a happy cat. We have no choice but to destroy your party clothes.
Remember humans. Your cat may put up with the clothes you make them wear, but that doesn’t mean they like wearing them. Yule Cat may be right around the corner.
Our good friend (and part owner of our human sister) Thunder enjoyed last week’s post. However, she feels that we neglected the role that food plays in human/cat etiquette. Therefore, she has written a follow-up post to rectify the situation.
Allow your cat to sniff everything. This ensures she gets to choose according to her wishes, not yours.
Just like humans request samples, kitties may also want to try a food before committing to it. I’ve learned that humans put tasty foods, like cheese, on yucky foods, like potatoes, and it can be deceptive. Therefore, samples are necessary.
If your cat is sharing with you, such as a bagel with cream cheese or a forkful of chicken, allow Kitty to finish licking or nibbling before removing the item and taking a giant human bite for yourself. My dad did this with a bagel and cream cheese once, and I was depressed for the rest of the day.
Do not mock us if wechoose to go for a veggie option (peas) or sweet (ice cream) option. First of all, cats are masters at knowing what’s best for their nutritional needs. (Scientific articles relating such information have been published – see the Catster website).
Second of all, if it’s good enough for humans, it must be good enough for kitties. After all, even our canned and dried foods are made with human-approved ingredients.
And if humans can be in the mood for these things, why can’t kitties?
Tear or cut up anything we decide to eat into appropriate-sized pieces. We have small teeth and mouths, and can’t stuff a whole turkey leg in the way humans can. It’s frustrating when we’re given a delicious treat, only to have to abandon it minutes later because we can’t properly eat it.
In the interest of food bank donations (which rise this time of year), I’ve decided to share this tip:
Donating to the less fortunate is wonderful thing to do, and cats across the world support this gesture wholeheartedly (assuming you don’t donate our treats.) However, when donating, leave the empty boxes around the house alone.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than a cat spotting an empty box, planning to use it as a cozy nap spot, and marking it with your furs only to have a human kick you out. Then they ruin the furs you’ve carefully shed in there and fill it with junk before removing said box from home. Remember, bags work just as well and typically aren’t as cat-friendly. So it’s a win-win.
Fellow Felines: Please forward this post to your human.
It has recently come to our attention that there are some common human gaffes regarding how to interact with your cat. We know that you mean well, so we are here to help with a little advice.
When your cat talks to you, learn what they are saying. It is annoying to wait while you ask about wanting to be let into the room, wanting cuddles, wanting food when it should be clear that we want you to move your stuff from our favorite cat tree.
If you see us chasing a mouse, don’t scream or try to help. That only startles us and gives the mouse a chance to get away. We will ask for help if we need it.
If we are relaxing in your slipper or using it as a sled across the floor, don’t tell us you need the slipper. We know it’s your slipper and you need to learn how to share.
If we are eating, do not make loud noises or insist on getting something that is in a space where we eat. Even if we do not jump (which you find hilarious for some reason), it is rude. You don’t want us on the table when you eat; give us the same courtesy.
Don’t start playing with us to stop a couple of minutes later because “your show came on”, your phone dinged, or some other lame reason. We like to play, and want to do it for a while.
If we are laying on “your” blanket or “your” chair, do not just dump us on the floor. Most likely, we were asleep. It is rude to wake someone up like that. After all, we are members of the family.
Do not insist on taking our pictures constantly. Particularly if you think we are doing something funny. Those pictures always end up on the computer, and your friends laugh and make fun of us. Sometimes we just like to chill and not have to worry about the paparazzi.
Do not laugh at us if we slip or miss a jump. We are still tons more graceful than you ever will be.
We hope that you have found these tips helpful. Please talk to your cat if you have any questions.
Humans are so cute. We read an article this week about how to train your cat. Hopefully, all you felines out there know that we train. We are not trained.
We are aware that some of you love your humans so much that you would do almost anything for them. We are not judging you; you are welcome to do whatever you want. Even in this instance, however, you are controlling what you are doing for your human. They are not controlling your behavior.
The other cats who may engage in this type of behavior are those who are seeking fame and fortune. Due to the intense species-ism of the humans, we must cater to their whim of feeling that they are in control. Be careful. Jumping onto a shelf or slapping your human’s hand is one thing. Walking on your hind legs in a tutu is strictly dog territory no matter how badly you want to be on YouTube.
The humans recommend two methods of training. They will either use a “clicker” or treats to motivate you. We have no clue why they think that the average cat would respond to a clicker. There is nothing for us in that arrangement. Even if you love your human, try to get them to move to the treat method.
When they get out the clicker, lead them to the treat jar. If they don’t get the idea at first, don’t respond to the clicker. If your human continues to try the clicker, you may need to be a little more direct. We recommend you hide the clicker. Preferably someplace they won’t look – like the back of the closet.
If your human uses treats, make sure they are good treats. Also make sure you get a whole treat every time. Some humans are recommending that we only get a piece of treat every time we do what they want so we don’t get fat. If your human tries that, wait patiently for the rest of the treat before you do anything else.
We recommend that even if you want to be “trained” by your human, you need to set limits. If you’re not getting famous or gaining the complete attention of your human, go back to your regular hobbies. There’s no point in annoying yourself when you could be relaxing in the sun.
Of course, never let your human know that you are humoring them. We get more if they think they are in charge.
You may recall that last week was supposed to be about us. For some reason Mr. Google wouldn’t let us. Mom says she hates Mr. Google. You may also recall that Mon really doesn’t like taking pictures. She delegated it to our human brother. He takes enough pictures that we can show you some. We wanted action pictures, but Mom wouldn’t let us have pictures of Snoops with her trophy mice or one of us jumping on the other. And one of us (Kommando) leaves when she sees the camera pointed at her.
We wanted to start with portraits.
Kommando: Here is Snoops, looking regal and feline:
Snoops: Here is Kommando. She wouldn’t look at the camera. So the humans tried to make her. She still wouldn’t look at the camera,
Kommando: How do I know I can trust what they might do with my picture?
So we moved on to relaxed pictures:
Kommando: Here is Snoops, in a boring cat relaxation pose.
Snoops: At least I look relaxed.
Snoops: Here is Kommndo in her relaxed pose. Looking not very relaxed.
Kommando: Hey! How can I relax with that thing in my face?
Finally, we decided to just include a couple of pictures we like.
Kommando: This is Snoops doing her summer sleeping pose. The hotter it gets, the longer she gets.
Snoops: And here is Kommando doing the winter sleeping position:
Kommando: And see? Human fingers a about to attack me! I told you we can’t trust them.
Snoops: If you’d just let then take the picture, they wouldn’t keep try to get you to look at the camera.
Kommando: Oh, no! You’ve joined the other side.
Mom wants us to say thanks for all the prayers and well wishes while she was sick. For better or worse, she’s back to normal.
Snoops and Kommando here. This week’s post was supposed to be honoring us. But Mom has a Google Pixel that is being difficult about accessing the pictures that are on her Google shared files. She’s really angry, and we’re pretty upset too. (But you will see beautiful us next week along with our witty repartee, so don’t worry.
As you know, Mom’s been sick. She got cleared for work on Thursday, But she says that her brain may have gone on permanent vacation, so we’re bringing you memes of the way things have been going for her. We’re starting with how she looked for most of the week:
Then she found out that her part-time job had terminated her because she took too much time off on quarantine:
Then she found out that the hospital was supposed to give her the results of her COVID test, not the state (as the hospital had told her). She had to sign a release of information form to get her own results and then wait a day while they encrypted it.
Then she got the news that she didn’t have COVID:
Then she found out that her auto-pay wasn’t working for the gas company:
And there was a glitch in the cellular payment, so they turned it off:
Then she found out she could get her job back if she provided documentation:
Then she discovered that none of her computers (the laptop, Chromebook, tablet) wanted to work with the printer so she could scan said paperwork:
Then our human brother made the Chromebook cooperate:
So now she’s back to work at her full-time job and waiting for the part-time job: