9

Medical School Blues – Part 3

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Where we are: Suzy Siamese claims that she heard Joey Boxer say that he had been tutoring his friend Socks with information he knew would be on the test. Facing expulsion from medical school, Joey is suing Suzy to prove that he never said it.

Suzy was nervous when she got to the hearing room. She had never been in court before and had no idea what was going to happen. With the judge’s permission, she had brought along a classmate, first-year student Vanessa Siberian-Huskey. The two girls arrived first and were seated on one side of a table.

When Joey arrived, he was seated on the other side of the table. He looked at Vanessa and was struck by how beautiful she was. But then he got nervous. Why did she look familiar? And why was she here?

The judge came in and looked through her paperwork. She looked at Joey.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, you are accusing Ms. Siamese of telling lies about you in public that are causing you to potentially be expelled from medical school. Is that correct?

Joey: Yes, ma’am. She told people that I had cheated when I was tutoring my friend Socks for the microbiology exam. I never cheated, and I want my good name cleared.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, is that true? Did you accuse Mr. Boxer of cheating?

Suzy: Not exactly.

Judge: Well exactly what did you accuse him of?

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Suzy: I didn’t really accuse him of anything. I said that I heard him say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, do you agree that is what Ms. Siamese actually said?

Joey: That’s it. Or at least pretty close to it. She didn’t use the word cheat, but that’s what she meant.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, we can’t convict Ms. Siamese on what her words may or may not have meant. However, I do understand how that could be the conclusion the hearer would arrive at.

Ms. Siamese, you understand that the only true defense against this type of slander charge is to prove that the animal who is accusing you actually said what you are claiming, correct?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

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Judge: Mr. Boxer, are you certain that you never said those words or anything similar, that Ms. Siamese might have overheard?

Joey: Never, your Honor. I would never cheat, for Socks or anyone else.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, would you please tell me where you heard Mr. Boxer make his alleged claim.

Suzy: Yes, ma’am. After big tests, a lot of the students go to The Watering Hole to relax. They have snacks and all types of things to drink. Mr. Boxer and I were both there after the test.

Joey had a sinking feeling. He had forgotten about going to The Watering Hole.

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Suzy: I have been mentoring Vanessa (nods to her), so when I saw her, I went over to say hello.

Judge: Is that true, Ms. Husky?

Vanessa: Yes, it is.

Suzy: We were talking when Joey came up and offered Vanessa some fruit. She sniffed it and told him no thanks.

Vanessa: It was fermented. I could smell it on Mr. Boxer’s breath.

Joey panicked. Now he remembered Vanessa. He saw her there and wanted to meet her. But she was so beautiful that he was too scared to talk to her. He had stood in a corner eating fruit until he got up the nerve. That fruit was fermented? He hadn’t noticed. How did she know?

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Suzy: Joey took back the fruit, and started to talk to Vanessa.

Vanessa: Yes, he must have nervous. He started talking about how he was at the top of his class and was sure that he would be getting a good internship. I think he wanted to impress me with how intelligent he is.

Joey knew what was coming next. He didn’t remember saying any of this, but he knew what was going to follow.

Vanessa: He told me that he was so good in school that he even had time to tutor his best friend, Socks. I told him that was very impressive. He said it wasn’t too bad because he knew what was going to be on the test, so he only had to teach Socks those things.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, is that true? Did you say that?

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Joey: Your honor, I don’t really remember.

Judge: What do you mean?

Joey: I think the fermented fruit must have made me drunk. I don’t remember any of this conversation.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description?

Suzy: Yes, ma’am.

Judge: Ladies, do you think that Mr. Boxer was drunk?

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Suzy: That would explain why he wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He’s not usually like that.

Vanessa: I think you’re absolutely right, Judge. His breath was terrible.

Judge: What did you say to Mr. Boxer?

Vanessa: I told him that I didn’t associate with cheaters and growled. I think he left after that.

Judge: Ms. Siamese, do you agree with Ms. Husky’s description of what happened?

Suzy: Yes ma’am.

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The judge looked at Joey.

Judge: Mr. Boxer, I don’t think you have much of a case for slander. Apparently, you did say what you are accused of saying.

Joey: Yes, ma’am, I guess I did. But I honestly don’t remember saying it. I must have been bragging to impress Vanessa. I was pretty sure I knew what was going to be on the test because I knew what the professor had been emphasizing. I don’t even know how to steal a test.

Judge: OK. Ms. Siamese and Ms. Husky, you are free to go. Thank you for coming in. Mr. Boxer, I am going to recommend that the medical school allow you to graduate. You don’t seem to be guilty of anything other than talking too much.

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4

Medical School Blues – Part 2

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Where we are: Joey and Suzy are at the top of their medical school class. Joey has been helping his friend, Socks, do better so he doesn’t have to graduate last in the class. Socks did well on his most recent exam. Suzy said it was because Joey cheated for him.

Poor Socks was devastated. He thought that he had been getting smarter. Now someone said the he was cheating.

Socks: Suzy, does that mean that my score doesn’t count?

Suzy: Did you know Joey had stolen the information he taught you?

Socks: Of course not. I would never cheat.Image result for siamese cat and dog

Suzy: I didn’t think so. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.

Joey: What about me? You just accused me of cheating. I didn’t cheat!

Suzy: Then why did you say you knew the questions ahead of time?

Joey: I never said that!

Suzy: Then why did I hear it?

Joey: You didn’t hear it! I never said it. Take it back before I get into trouble.

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Soon the accusation spread beyond their group of friends. It seemed like everyone knew. It was only a matter of time before someone told the professor.

Professor Gibbs: Mr. Boxer, may I see you after class?

Joey: Of course.

Joey was nervous. It had to be about the exam. What if the professor had heard about Suzy’s accusation?

Gibbs: You did extremely well on my last exam.

Joey: Yes, sir. I studied very hard

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Gibbs: So did your friend, Socks. He’s never gotten higher than a score of 74 on a test.

Joey: We’ve been studying together.

Gibbs: What have you two been studying from?

Joey: The textbook and our notes, of course. Mainly my notes.

Gibbs: I’ve heard from a credible source that you were studying from the actual test that I had prepared.

Joey: Suzy’s lying! I never saw that test before we took it. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.Image result for dog on trial meme

Gibbs: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Suzy outside of class in weeks. I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. Is it true?

Joey: No, it is not.

Gibbs: Then you better find a way to prove that. You’re scheduled to appear before the academic board a week from Tuesday. If they vote that you’ve cheated, you’re going to be expelled.

One more thing, do you know of Mr. Retriever cheating?

Joey: He would never cheat. He’s been studying around the clock since I began tutoring him. He’s actually pretty smart when he focuses.

Gibbs: All right. That’s what we thought. He has been doing better in class.

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Joey: Why do you think I would cheat? I’m at the top of the class.

Gibbs: Exactly. The top students are the only ones who cheat at this point. They’ll do anything they can to be number 1 at the end.

Joey: Thanks for telling me. I guess I better go figure out how to straighten this out.

Joey met with a few of his closest friends. He wasn’t sure who to trust; someone had told administration. Apparently, it wasn’t Suzy.

Joey: I think I’m done guys. How do I prove that I didn’t say something?

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Alex Owl: Where did you supposedly say this?

Joey: I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Suzy since she said it.

Jeremy Airedale: When were the two of you at the same place that she might have heard something that sounds like that?

Joey (frustrated): I don’t know. Socks, do you remember anything?

Socks: Sorry, buddy. I went out to play ball with some of my old friends, and slept until the next class.

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Alex: It looks like you’re in a bit of a mess. There’s only one thing to do. You have to prove that she’s lying.

Socks: That doesn’t seem very nice. She was just talking to some friends. I don’t think she meant it to turn out this way.

Jeremy: That may be true. But I think Alex is right. If we can’t prove that he’s right, then we have to prove that she’s wrong.

Joey: How do we do that?

The next day, Suzy was given a letter. It said that she had to be in court 2 days later. Joey Boxer was suing her for slander and defamation of character.

Next week: Will the trial vindicate Joey?

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12

Snoops and Kommando: Literary Critics

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Snoops and Kommando here. Mom didn’t notice that there were five Saturdays in August, so she has an extra post to fill. And guess which very talented kitties came to the rescue? That’s right. So here we are. (We get to write more next week since it’s our regular week. Pretty exciting, eh?)

Anyway, we have decided that we would show you just how intelligent cats are. She and the young male human went to a place called Stratford, Ontario on Sunday to see a play called Henry the VIII.

Weird, huh? Seems like they should have seen the first seven Henrys before this one. Apparently, it’s like some of human TV. It really doesn’t matter where you start. It sounded pretty boring (also like most human TV). No cats (or even dogs) in the whole thing.

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But they did bring home one interesting item: Cat Poems, edited by Tynan Kogane. We had high hopes and began reading right away. Humans don’t write many books for cats. We were not impressed.

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Mujer by William Carlos Williams

Oh, Black Persian cat!

was not your life

already cursed with offspring?

we took you for rest to that old

Yankee farm, –so lonely

and with so many field mice

in the long grass—

and you return to us

in this condition–!

Oh, black Persian cat.

So, what’s the deal with this? Cats shouldn’t have kittens? Black Persian cats shouldn’t have kittens? We know there are currently too many kittens. But if no one had kittens, we’d run out of cats.

And what condition is he talking about? Is she pregnant again? Covered with dirt and prickly things? A dead mouse for dinner? We don’t like this poem. Let’s move on.

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She Sights a Bird by Emily Dickinson

She sights a bird – she chuckles—

She flattens—then she crawls—

She runs without the look of feet—

Her eyes increase to Balls—

 

Her jaws stir—twitching—hungry—

Her Teeth can hardly stand—

She leaps, but Robin leaped the first—

Ah, Pussy of the Sand.

 

The hopes so juice ripening—

You almost bathed your Tongue—

When Bliss disclosed a hundred toes—

And fled with every one—

This one starts out pretty good. We’ve all seen birds we want to catch. The cat gets all excited. Then loses the bird. Then something with lots of toes ran away. Who is Bliss? Why does she need one hundred toes? Not only did the poem disappoint us, it ended strange.

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We were going to tell you more poems, but most of them were really long. Or talked about dead cats or about old cats who were getting ready to die. Or were just too weird to even understand.

We decided that what the book needed was some poetry actually written by cats. We came up with a couple of ideas we think they should consider for the next version. They are much easier to understand.

Image result for cat chasing mouse

Mothers Ruin Everything

A mouse wandered out of a hole in the wall.

Two excited kitties raced quickly down the hall.

One came for the kill,

The other, the thrill.

Rats! They lost their prey, who heard his mother call.

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Mothers Ruin Everything – Part 2

The cats saw birds out the window pane.

They tried to get out; it was in vain.

The door they used before

Was shut to the floor.

Mom closed it when it started to rain.

See? Short. To the point. Easy to understand. If they’re going to write a book for cats about poetry, they should write ones that cats can understand them. We’re smart; people just don’t get how to communicate with us.

18

Llama Drama – Part 3

Image result for llama laughing

Where we are: The girls have each been invited to the Homecoming Dance, but not by the boy that she was hoping for. Now none of them will speak to the others. The boy llamas are totally confused about what is happening, so they ask Tiffany’s boyfriend Stewart to find out.

Stewart got the guys together and explained what was going on with the girls.

Brian: Girls are so weird. We were having so much fun at the games that we thought they might like to go to Homecoming.

Joey: Yeah. It wasn’t supposed to be a big thing.

Brian: I guess we should have just gone as a group.

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Joey: What do we do now?

They all looked at Stewart.

Stewart: Don’t ask me. I think the whole thing is stupid. It’s not like you asked them to marry you.

Johnny: That’s true. But I still feel bad.

Brian: Maybe we should get them all together and tell them that we thought it would be more fun if we went as a group instead of couples.

Joey: That might work.

Johnny: I’m in.

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Stewart: Good luck getting them together in one place.

Brian: Hmm. That’s a good point.

The guys tossed around a few ideas, but nothing sounded right.

Joey: Maybe we should each text the girl we asked and have them meet us at the track after school tomorrow. Since they’re not talking, they won’t know everyone else will be there too.

The two other llamas agreed that was the best solution. Each of the girls agreed to meet, excited to get to know their date better.

The guys went to the track together. The first girl to arrive was Lizzy. She looked a little surprised.

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Lizzy: Brian, why are your friends here? I thought we were going to talk.

Brian: We are. Here’s the thing…

Before he could finish what he was saying, Elsa and Rosa arrived from different directions.

Lizzy: Elsa, what are you doing here? Brian, why is she here?

Elsa: What are you doing here, you slimy son of an iguana’s uncle?

Brian (laughing): What kind of an insult is that?

Elsa: You’re right, Brian, it is kind of lame. (Turns to Lizzy) You hippo-brained…

Johnny: That’s not what he meant. He just thought it was funny.

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Rosa: It did sound kind of funny.

Elsa: Who asked you? You’re always butting into things that are none of your business.

Rosa: That’s because all you talk about is your business. We almost never get a chance to talk. Right, Lizzy?

Before Lizzy had a chance to answer, Elsa broke in.

Elsa: There you go again. Trying to get someone else involved in my business. Besides, you’re not even supposed to be here. Johnny asked me here to talk. Alone.

Rosa: Joey asked me here to talk.

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Lizzy: Well, Brian asked me here to talk. And instead of a private talk, I got a herd. What’s going on?

Brian: We feel responsible for you girls fighting and want to do something about it.

Joey: We didn’t realize that you would take the invitations so seriously. I mean, we’ve only gotten together as a group two times.

Johnny: Or had a conversation. We thought it would be better to ask you individually since it’s a dance.

Joey: What we really wanted was to go as a group, like we did to the soccer games.

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The girls looked at them in disbelief.

Lizzy: Brian, are you saying that you invited me so we could be part of a group, not because you like me?

Brian: I like you, Lizzy. As a friend. I think the six of us have a lot of fun together.

Elsa: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. (Looking at Johnny and Joey) Do you two feel the same way?

Johnny: Pretty much. We haven’t known you long enough to know if we really like you.

The girl llamas started to cry. The boy llamas looked down at their hooves.

Brian: We’re really sorry that we hurt your feelings. I guess this means that we won’t be going to Homecoming, right?

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Elsa: You’re an idiot. Of course, we’re not going with you. Personally, I never want to see you again. How about you, girls?

Rosa and Lizzy nodded, wondering if all guys were jerks or if they had just stumbled into a herd of them.

Lizzy: Come on, girls. We have better things to do with our time.

They walked away, talking over each other as they apologized. By the time they got to Lizzy’s house, things were back to normal.

They went to the Homecoming dance as a group, and had a great time. Brian, Johnny, and Joey made other plans for the evening.

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

 

9

Llama Drama – Part 2

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Where we are: The Homecoming Dance is coming up and Elsa Llama is hoping from an invitation from Brian. She’s invited him to a soccer game in hopes of getting to show him that she’s interested.

 The soccer game was a lot of fun. Brian brought a couple of his friends, so there was a group of them who went out to eat afterward. They all agreed to do the same thing the next home game.

The girls stayed up most of the night on the phone,

Elsa: Did you see? Brian sat next to me at the salad bar?

Tiffany: It was the only open seat.

Elsa: I meant that we got to spend a lot of time talking. He’s so nice. A little quiet, though.

Rosa: Did you stop talking long enough for to say anything?

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Elsa sent a spitting llama emoji.

Tiffany: What did you think of the other two?

Rosa: Joey was super-cute. But he talks a lot. Maybe he was just nervous. Johnny was really funny. He’d be great to spend time with. I think he was my favorite.

Lizzy: I’m really glad that we get to see them again next week.

Rosa: Maybe we’ll all get dates to the dance. It would be a lot of fun to go as a group.

It seemed like the week would never end. Finally, it was Friday. Everyone met at the field. They spent a lot of time talking and teasing each other. No one even noticed that their team lost for the second week in a row.

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Tiffany and Stewart decided to go home, instead of joining the others at the salad bar. The six young llamas sat talking until they were kicked out at closing time.

By the time they got home, each of the girls had a text. Lizzy’s was from Brian, Elsa’s was from Johnny, and Rosa’s was from Joey. They all had the same question: Will you go to Homecoming with me? They all turned off their phones for the weekend.

Monday morning, they met before school as usual.

Lizzy: Hey, Elsa. Did your new phone break? I didn’t hear from you after we left the salad bar.

Tiffany: I didn’t hear from anyone. Did I miss a big fight?

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Rosa (blushing): Actually, Joey asked me to the dance. I turned off my phone while I tried to decide. I really like Johnny a lot better.

Elsa: You better go with Joey. Johnny asked me.

Rosa: What did you say?

Elsa: I told him I’d have to think about it.

Rosa: What’s to think about? You want to go with Brian. You can’t just hold on to Johnny as a back-up plan.

Elsa: The dance is only a couple of weeks away, and I really want to go.

Lizzy: I think it’s a good idea for you to go with Johnny. Brian wants to go with me.

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Elsa: What? You stole my boyfriend?

Lizzy: He’s not your boyfriend.

Rosa: Besides, you have no trouble going with the guy I like.

Elsa: I can’t help that he prefers me.

Lizzy: So why are you upset that Brian prefers me? It’s the same thing.

Elsa: No, it’s not. You never would have met the other guys if I didn’t want to spend time with Brian. You’re the worst friend a llama could have. I’m never speaking to you again.

Image result for llamas spitting at each other

Lizzy: Fine: If you’re going to be that stupid, I don’t want to be your friend either.

Rosa: You’re being selfish, Elsa. You have someone to go with.

Elsa: Stay out of this, Rosa. It’s none of your business.

Rosa: Yes, it is. You did the same thing to me.

Tiffany tried to calm things down, but the girls yelled and spit at each other until class started. They refused to eat lunch together, and wouldn’t talk to each other.

This behavior lasted for several days. The guys were confused. On Friday, everything was great. Now, the girls weren’t even talking to each other. Homecoming didn’t look like much fun anymore. They sent Stewart to find out what was happening.

Image result for confused llama meme

Stewart: Hey Tiff. Why are your friends being so goofy? I thought they wanted to go to Homecoming.

Tiffany: They do, but with different guys.

Stewart: They should have turned these guys down.

Tiffany: They want to go with these guys, but with different partners.

Stewart: That’ s dumb. They barely know these guys. They’ve known each other for years.

Tiffany: I know. But they won’t listen.

Next week: Who will the girls choose? The guys or their best friends?

 Image result for four llamas

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

 

10

Llama Drama

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Lizzy Llama was standing outside school one day with her friends. They had been back for a couple of weeks, so there was a lot to talk about.

Elsa: Pickles! I hate this phone!

Rosa: What’s wrong with your phone? I thought your parents just got you a new one.

Elsa: It is a new phone. It’s the latest Elkheart.

Tiffany: Ooh! Those are really expensive. What’s wrong with it?

Elsa: The stupid thing keeps saying it doesn’t understand what I’m saying. I mean, seriously? Do you guys think I talk funny?

Image result for animal cell phone meme

The other girls look at her in disbelief.

Lizzy: Uh. Yeah. You talk so fast with that weird alpaca accent, that we can’t understand you half the time.

Elsa: It’s not a weird accent. I just spent a lot of time with alpacas when I was little, and some of it stuck.

Tiffany: OK, it’s not a weird accent. You could talk a little slower and see if that helps.

Rose: You know those phones default to camel, right? Did you check the language setting?

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Elsa: Why does it default to camel?

Rosa: That’s their biggest customer base. Let me see it.

Rosa spoke a few phrases into the phone and handed it back to Elsa.

Rosa: That should fix your problem.

Elsa: Thanks. Stupid phone.

The bell rang, and they didn’t see each other until lunch.

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Tiffany: Did you hear that Jeremy asked Shelley to the Homecoming Dance?

Lizzy: No!

Tiffany: Yep. She told me herself.

Lizzy: Does Rosa know? She has a crush on him.

Rosa stomped up and sat down.

Rosa: Can you believe that idiot Jeremy? Shelley? Seriously? She never says two words. What does he see in her?

Tiffany: Don’t worry, Rosa. Someone better will ask you out. There’s plenty of time.

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Rosa: Easy for you to say. You’ve got a boyfriend. Stewart is such a sweetheart.

Tiffany: Yeah. He’s really a great guy.

Lizzy: Elsa, who do you want to go with?

Elsa: I really like Brian. He talked to me in Biology. He’s really smart.

Lizzy (whispering): He’s looking over here.

Elsa: Don’t look! He’ll think we’re talking about him.

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Rosa: You are talking about him.

Elsa: That’s not the point. What about you, Lizzy?

Lizzy: I can’t think of anyone who might ask me. I think I might just go with some of the other girls.

Rosa: Ooh. If you do that, I’ll go with you. It sounds like fun.

Lizzy: Deal.

A few days later, Elsa came to lunch excited.

Elsa: Guess what? I found out that Brian doesn’t have a girlfriend.

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Tiffany: How’d you do that?

Elsa: I asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to the dance.

Tiffany: Smooth. Very subtle.

Elsa: So what? I don’t want to waste my time on someone who’s not available.

Tiffany: Good point.

Elsa: Maybe I should ask him to hang out with us after school.

Lizzy: I guess. That sounds a little weird.

Elsa: Maybe you’re right. How about inviting him to the soccer game?

Tiffany: That sounds more normal. That way there’ll be a lot of people around.

Image result for llamas playing soccer

Next week: Does the soccer game bring Elsa and Brian closer?

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

14

Cat Forum: It’s in the Stars

Snoops: Did you know that this time of year has a special name around here? It’s called the “Dog Days”

Kommando: Why? I haven’t seen any extra dogs wandering around.

Snoops: Nope. It doesn’t have anything to do with real dogs.

Kommando: Is it because it’s so hot that the humans lie around panting like dogs?

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Snoops: It’s because of a star called Sirius, the Dog Star. It’s easy to see this time of year.

Kommando: Why do dogs get a star? What about cats?

Snoops: We have Leo. It’s a bunch of stars named after a lion.

Kommando: OK. That works. So how long do these “dog days” last? It’s really hot.

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Snoops: Yeah. Lying under these fans all the time is hard on my fur.

Kommando: And I’m tired of shedding so much.

Snoops: Luckily, they’re almost over. They generally run from July 3 to August 11 in the northern part of the world.

Kommando: So, after tomorrow it won’t be so hot anymore?

Snoops: Afraid not. It can still be hot and sticky for a long time.

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Kommando: Rats. But that part about cats and dogs in the sky is pretty interesting. Are there other animals up there?

Snoops: I don’t know. Let’s look it up on the Internet.

Kommando: We can talk to Mr. Google, so we don’t have to worry about typing.

Snoops: Wow! Look at this. There are 88 constellations and 42 are named after animals.*

Image result for cat with computer

Kommando: Some of those aren’t animals. Like birds. And fish. Seriously? They consider a fly an animal?

Snoops: Some of them aren’t real animals either; they’re make-believe.

Kommando: Let’s see what some of them look like.

Leo (Lion)

Image result for leo constellation Image result for standing lion

 

Ursa Major (Big Bear)

Image result for ursa major constellation Image result for bear

Taurus (Bull)

Image result for taurus constellation  Image result for bull

Vulpecula (Fox)

 Image result for fox constellation Image result for fox

Kommando: Those stars don’t look anything like the animals. Humans are crazy.

Snoops: I guess it was nice of them to think of us.

Kommando: At least they have opposable thumbs.

All pictures courtesy of Google Images (except us)

* https://starinastar.com/how-many-animal-constellations/

Sorry  I’m late – I accidentally scheduled it for tomorrow