Category Archives: Humor

19

Chloe Cat’s Christmas Guest – Part 2

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80 Cats Who Use Dogs As Pillows | Bored Panda

Where we are: Chloe is home from college on Christmas break. She has brought her friend Sasha with her. Her family knew Sasha was coming, but Chloe had neglected to tell them that he was a large dog. Christmas Eve dinner has become rather tense. You can read Part 1 here.

Mama Cat has brought Grandma some cream to help her get over her fainting spell. Grandma seems rather confused.

Giant Tibetan Mastiff 'As Big As a Bear' Goes Viral Trying to Get Into Car

Grandma: I must be going crazy. I thought I saw a huge dog in your living room.

Mama: No, you’re not crazy. Chloe brought home a dog.

Grandma: Why would she do that? We’re cats. Some of us are afraid of dogs.

Gretchen: Especially some of us smaller kitties. He might eat us.

Mama: I’m sure Chloe’s friend won’t eat us. Although I really wish she had mentioned it before he showed up at the door.

Angry Cat: 14 Signs Your Cat Is Mad at You — Fighting Cats

They heard a loud voice in the front room.

Uncle Charley: See here, dog. You can’t come in here and scare the living daylights out of decent cats.

Raphael: Don’t get too excited Uncle Charley, you don’t want to have a heart attack or something.

Uncle Charley: I’m not going to have a heart attack. I just want this dog to know that I’ve been around, and I can take care of myself. He needs to behave himself.

Sasha: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare anyone.

Chloe: Why is everyone so excited? Sasha’s a dog. So what? We’re all civilized cats.

Regina: Maybe it’s because you said you were bringing home a boy. We all expected a handsome mancat. Instead you bring home a huge doggo. Extremely disappointing.

Sophie: We thought you finally had a social life.

Chloe: I do have a social life. Sasha is my friend. I asked if I could bring home a friend for Christmas.

Gretchen: You’re not actually dating a dog are you?

Are Dogs Smarter than Cats? | Britannica

Chloe: What if I am?

Aunt Mildred: Dear, I know you’re not the most attractive kitty in the bunch, but even so…

Mama: Mildred! Sasha is our guest. And who Chloe dates really isn’t any of your business.

Papa Cat’s nose had been twitching. 

Can Dogs Eat Fish? - Ollie Blog

Papa: Sasha! I couldn’t help noticing. Did you bring something to add to the Christmas feast?

Sasha: Indeed I did. I asked Chloe what cats ate for Christmas. She said that you were having chicken, but that fish is always welcome. So I went to the market and got a bunch of smoked mackerel. I hope you will accept it with my appreciation for being welcomed.

Papa: Well, I’m not sure that you’re feeling very welcome, but your fish smells delicious.

Sasha: I didn’t realize I would be so much larger than everyone else. It never crossed my mind that I could be scary. I’m just a big goofball in my own family.

Papa: A lot of these cats have never met a dog up close before. I think they were mainly surprised.

Your Cat Might Not Be Ignoring You When You Speak - The New York Times

Sasha looked around and saw that the cats were watching him. They weren’t looking as startled as they had been which he took as a good sign. Grandma and Uncle Charley were talking in the corner. Finally, Grandma came over.

Grandma: Hello, Sasha.

Sasha: Hello, ma’am. I’m very sorry I frightened you. I hope you are feeling better.

Grandma: I am, thank you. So you’re a friend of Chloe’s?

Sasha: Yes, I am. She’s a very sweet girl.

Grandma: You’re right. Are you her boyfriend?

How to Get Your Cats to Be Best Friends

Sasha (embarrassed): No, ma’am, we’re regular friends.

Grandma: Do you want to be her boyfriend?

Chloe: Grandma! You’re embarrassing me! Sasha is a friend from school.

Grandma: I just want to make sure he’s not going to break your heart. You really can’t trust anyone who’s not a cat. And you can’t trust all cats.

Sasha: Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt Chloe. I like her too much for that.

Chloe rubbed up against him and purred.

What are the signs of feline friendship? – PoC

Grandma: I don’t know. That looks like more than friends.

Chloe: Don’t worry, Grandma. I’ll be fine.

Mama Cat had been putting the finishing touches on dinner. She added Sasha’s fish to her own food. It all smelled delicious.

Mama: Everyone, it’s time to eat.

They sat down and began to eat. Uncle Charley kept drinking the catnip punch, and became more and more vocal. He was looking directly at Sasha while he was telling a story about fighting another cat for one of the many loves of his life. 

Two Cats 'Fighting Respectfully' Have Internet in Hysterics

Uncle Charley: Sasha, have you ever fought for love?

Sasha: Can’t say that I have.

Uncle Charley: Would you be willing to fight for Chloe?

Sasha: I think that Chloe can defend herself. Cats are excellent fighters.

Uncle Charley: I meant fight for her love.

Chloe: Uncle Charley, we’re not in love.

Uncle Charley: Then why is he here?

Chloe and Sasha looked at each other. Finally, he nodded.

DOE expands therapy dogs program in city schools

Chloe: Sasha is a friend of mine from Chemistry. He told me about a class he’s taking in Cat Psychology. He said that he was having trouble understanding how cats think. I asked him if he wanted to spend some time with my family and see how we get along.

Sasha: I thought it was a great idea, but that it would only work if you didn’t know I was doing research. That way you would all behave normally. So we decided that I would just come as her friend.

Chloe: I didn’t realize that everyone would think I was bringing home a boyfriend.

Sasha: I’m sorry I upset everyone. I’ll leave after dinner.

Clowder is the appropriate term for a group of cats. | Crazy cat lady meme, Crazy cats, Cats

The cats looked at each other. There were a few minutes of silence.

Mama: That makes a lot more sense than any other explanation. I don’t know if you will get the information you need, but you are welcome to stay.

Papa: Absolutely! I can teach you how cats hunt.

Uncle Charley: And I’ll teach you how we fight.

And that is how a very large dog got the best grade in his Cat Psychology class.

Cat Christmas Dinner | Finding the Perfect Recipe | Bella & Duke

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

22

Chloe Cat’s Christmas Guest

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300+ Free Christmas Cat & Christmas Images - Pixabay

Mama Cat had been working hard for days getting everything ready for Christmas. She was having a big family dinner on Christmas Eve. It was the first time the whole family had been together in several years. The best part was that her daughter Chloe was coming home from college for the first time since the beginning of the school year. And she was bringing a friend. A male friend!

Mama Cat: I’m so excited to see Chloe! It’s been months since she’s been home.

Papa Cat: I’ve really missed her. She’s my little buddy. I hope we get a chance to go hunting while she’s home.

Mama Cat: I wouldn’t count on it. She’s bringing a boy home. She’ll probably want to spend all her time with him.

Cats R Cool 4 Back to School - oregonlive.com

Regina: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that she never talks about him? We don’t really know anything except that she met him in her Chemistry class.

Sophie: Yeah. So we know that he’s probably a nerd like she is.

Mama Cat: Be nice, girls. She’s never brought anyone home before. It must be serious.

Papa Cat: How serious can it be? She’s only been gone four months.

Mama: We need to be nice to him. He’s going to be staying here for a few days.

17 Pets Who Can't Believe You Aren't Taking Them On Your Trip - The Dodo

Meanwhile, Chloe was preparing to go home.

Chloe: Sasha, are you ready to leave yet?

Sasha: Not quite finished packing. Are you sure I’ll be welcome?

Chloe: Absolutely. My family is great! Mama says they’re really excited about meeting you.

Sasha: What have you told them?

Chloe: Just that I met you in Chemistry, and that we’ve become good friends. And that I wanted to bring you home for the holidays so you wouldn’t be alone.

Sasha: Do they think I’m your boyfriend?

Chloe: It never really came up.

Cat Signals for Expressing Happiness and Mood

Sasha rubbed his head against Chloe and she purred.

Chloe: Okay. We’ll leave mid-morning. Remember, we have to be there by 2 pm. Mama doesn’t want anyone to be late for dinner. And I haven’t seen them in months so I don’t want to miss anything.

Sasha: Don’t worry. I’ll be ready bright and early.

Christmas Eve was a beautiful day. Sunny and cold. The family started gathering around noon. Grandma and Grandpa were the first to arrive. As usual, Grandma had brought her favorite catnip cookies.

US embassy apologises after mistakenly sending Cookie Monster cat invitation | Canberra | The Guardian

Sophie: Yummy! One of the best parts of Christmas.

Grandma: Is Chloe here? I can’t wait to see her. I hear she finally has a beau.

Mama: Mother! Don’t embarrass her. She’s calling him a friend. We have to be nice.

Grandma: I’m going to be nice. It’s just good to see she finally has a social life.

Mama: Mother —

I prefer the unneutered male cat appearance – PoC

Uncle Charley was next. He was a little eccentric. Rather conservative and prone to speaking his mind.

Papa: Charley! Good to see you. How are things?

Uncle Charley: Not bad. Glad to see the elections are finally over. Didn’t see too many dogs or other lowlifes voted into office this time. Maybe we’re finally back on track to getting things back under control.

Regina: Uncle Charley, would you like some milk or some water?

Uncle Charley: Do you have anything stronger?

Mama: I was going to make some punch if anyone wanted it.

Uncle Charley: The good stuff with catnip AND silver vine?

Mama: That’s the one. I’ll go get started.

Group shot of a pack of kitties ❤ #grouppicture #kittens #cats #adorablecats | Cute cats, Cats, Cute cat memes

While Mama was in the kitchen, most of the rest of the family arrived. There were about 20 cats in the extended family, and everyone had come. Except Chloe.

Mama: I wonder where Chloe is. I told her not to be late.

Just then, the doorbell rang. 

Mama: How odd. Who would that be?

Sophie: I see Chloe’s suitcase out front. Maybe she has a surprise.

25 Giant Dog Breeds — Huge Dogs | Reader's Digest

Mama opened the door and saw Chloe’s surprise guest. She could barely speak.

Mama: Welcome to our home; you must be Sasha.

Sasha: Indeed, I am. Thank you for having me.

The others heard voices but couldn’t recognize the accented words. Sophie ran up.

Sophie: Oh my cats! You’re a dog!!

Sasha: Why, yes I am.

Dogs That Are Good With Cats: Breeds That Tend to Do Well With Felines

Sasha was the largest dog she had ever seen. And he was standing in the doorway to her house. Her father stepped up.

Papa: Sasha, please come in.

Sasha stepped into the room and looked around the room full of cats. He wasn’t sure whether to be amused or frightened. Chloe was still paying the driver and getting their things organized. Finally she came up.

Chloe: Hello everyone. I see you’ve met Sasha.

Her grandmother had been in another room. She came out when she heard Chloe’s voice, took one look at Sasha and fainted. Uncle Charley arched his back and began to hiss. Sasha looked like he wanted to head for the door. He wasn’t sure what to do with the box of smoked fish he was holding.

Next week: Will the family have a Merry Christmas? You can read the conclusion here. 

Christmas Cat Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

 

14

Jake Rabbit, the Very Bad Hibernation Lodger – Part 2

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Can My Bunny Play In The Snow? - Bunny Parents

Where we are: Jake Rabbit had been planning to spend the winter with his girlfriend Suzy in the home of the hibernating Woodchuck family. Unfortunately, he made too much noise and woke up the Woodchucks. Now he had to find a new place to stay. You can read Part 1 here.

Early the next morning, Suzy set out to find Jake. It didn’t take long. He was under the other end of the porch where the Woodchucks had burrowed. He looked pretty bedraggled.

sleepy bunny Free Photo Download | FreeImages

Suzy: Jake! What are you doing here?

Jake (embarrassed): I kinda got lost last night. After hopping around for a while, I came back here to get a little sleep.

Suzy: Where are you going to go?

Jake: I don’t know. Do you think I can go back and apologize to Wally?

Suzy: I don’t think that’s a good idea. He’s sleeping.

Jake: Oh, right. Maybe he wouldn’t notice if I just slipped back in.

You Shall Not Pass: Sweet But Angry Groundhog Tries to Scare People Off With Evil Laughter

Suzy: That is not a good idea.

Jake: Maybe we can find a place of our own.

Suzy: It’s the middle of winter. All of the good spots are taken. And there aren’t any leaves or grass around to make a bed.

Jake: Right. That’s a problem.

Suzy: What about your buddies? Maybe you can stay with one of them?

Jake: Nah. They’re a bunch of slobs. It would drive me nuts living with them.

Suzy: Could you move back home?

Jake: I don’t want to go back there.

Rabbit Fact Sheet | Blog | Nature | PBS

Suzy: Why not? I’m sure your Mom would let you stay.

Jake: It’s embarrassing. I said I was ready to leave home.

They went for a walk around the woods. It was a beautiful day. There were deer and squirrels running around. They didn’t see any of their friends, but ran into a couple of Jake’s sisters.

Jasmine: Jacob! How are you? We miss you!

Jake: I’m good.

Rabbits -- sad rabbit.

Jenny: How do you like living with the Woodchucks? Is it hard being quiet all the time?

Jasmine (looking at Suzy): We have a bet about how long he’s going to last before he gets in trouble.

Jenny (laughing): Yeah. Jake’s kinda loud for a rabbit.

Suzy and Jake looked at each other but didn’t say anything. Jenny stopped laughing.

Jenny: What’s wrong? Isn’t it working out?

Jake: That stupid woodchuck threw me out last night.

How High Can Rabbits Jump? - Sand Creek Farm | Rabbit jumping, Wild bunny, Animals

Suzy: Jake! He’s not stupid! You woke him up. He had a right to be mad.

Jake: Whose side are you on? I thought you were my girlfriend.

Suzy: I am. But you knew they were sleeping, and you had a party.

Jasmine: That was kinda dumb, Jake.

Jenny: Yeah. We love you, but no one could sleep through one of your parties.

Jake: I guess you’re right. It was dumb. But now I don’t have anywhere to live.

Pet-n-Sur - How do rabbits show happiness?

They all sat and thought for a few minutes. Jasmine started smiling.

Jasmine: Hey, Jen. Didn’t Aunt Sheila say that she was looking for someone to help around the house?

Jenny: That’s right! She’s been having a terrible time trying to find anyone.

Suzy: Isn’t she the one that lives in that gorgeous burrow by the big oak tree?

Jenny: Yep. It’s huge.

Suzy: You should talk to her.

HD lots of rabbits wallpapers | Peakpx

Jake: I don’t know. She has like a million kids. It’s a zoo over there.

Jenny: That’s why she needs someone to help.

Jasmine: You’d be perfect! You’re like a big kid.

The three girl rabbits talked Jake into visiting Sheila. He didn’t really like little rabbits, but he didn’t want to spend another night hiding under the porch. He nervously knocked at the door.

Sheila: Jake! It’s so nice to see you! How are you? Jennifer! Jasmine! And a beautiful stranger! Come in!

100 years ago: Rabbits burrow into willow tree | Environment | The Guardian

They all entered the burrow. It was beautiful. Sheila listened while Jake explained that he was looking for a place to spend the winter. There were several young rabbits running around, but it was not at all crowded.

Sheila: You are welcome to stay here if you would like, Jake. You can have a room at the back.

Jake: That would be wonderful! Can I have friends over?

Sheila:  Certainly. We can’t have any parties, of course, because of the children. But your girlfriend is more than welcome to visit, if she’d like. And, of course, your family is welcome.

Jake couldn’t believe his luck. He promised himself that this time would be different.

30 Cute Bunny Pictures to Make You Smile — Adorable Bunnies

Pictures courtesy Google Images.

21

Jake Rabbit, the Very Bad Hibernation Lodger

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Teddy wants everyone to see his party hat and give him compliments : r/ Rabbits

Suzy Bunny had been subletting a room from Wally Woodchuck and his family for several months. She was a very sweet bunny, and they treated her like a daughter. Towards the end of summer, she brought her boyfriend Jake home to meet the Woodchucks.

Suzy: Everyone, this is Jake.

They all greeted him and invited him for dinner. He was a very charming rabbit and soon won everyone over with his jokes and laid-back manner. It wasn’t long before he was visiting every day.

When the weather began to cool down, Jake had an idea.

The rabbit on hind legs Desktop wallpapers 1366x768

Jake: Suzy, how about I move in with you for the winter? I need a place to get out of the snow, and it’s really nice here under the porch.

Suzy: You mean like we would be living together? That sounds awesome!

Jake: Yeah! Do you think it would be okay with the Woodchucks?

Suzy: I don’t know why they would mind they seem to really like you.

Jake: You should ask. I know they think of you like family.

Groundhog Day 2018 Results Are Very Different | Time

Suzy approached Wally and Wanda, explaining that she would like to have Jake move in. They looked at each other.

Wally: You know that we love you, Suzy. But we hibernate in the winter, and we’re just getting ready to settle down. We think it’s fine for you to stay here, but we really don’t know about having anyone else in the burrow.

Wanda: He seems like a nice young man, but rabbits don’t hibernate. We really need our rest.

Suzy was disappointed, but she went back to tell Jake that the answer was no. He didn’t say anything right away. But the next time he visited for dinner, he brought it up.

Two bunnies cuddling (Melts my Heart) : r/aww

Jake: You know, winter is coming and I really need someplace to stay in the bad weather. I’ve been dating Suzy for about six months now, and it would be perfect if I could just move in with her.

Wally: Where are you now, Jake?

Jake: I’m with my parents, but I don’t really belong there, being a fully grown rabbit and all.

Wally: That’s probably true. They’ll be having little ones in the spring, more likely than not.

Jake: Exactly. And I really don’t have any privacy. It’s not like I can take Suzy back there.

HotSpot Pictures | Sleepy groundhog

Wanda: We really like you, Jake. But we’re concerned about having someone coming and going at all hours while we’re trying to hibernate. Suzy is very quiet, and we think that she’ll be fine. We really don’t know you very well.

Jake: You won’t even know I’m here. I promise.

Suzy: You have my word. I’ll make sure he’s as quiet as I am.

5 Natural Ways To Get Rid of Groundhogs - Farmers' Almanac - Plan Your Day. Grow Your Life.

The Woodchucks thought about it for a few days, and decided to let Jake move in. It was only a couple of weeks before hibernation, and they were busy gathering their nesting materials and eating extra to put on some weight. The only thing that they really noticed was that he seemed to have a lot of friends all of a sudden.

Wally: Well, this is good-night for the season. The kids are all settled in. Wanda and I wanted to see if you had any questions before we turn in.

Jake: Where do you keep the extra food? I noticed that there really isn’t much in the pantry.

Wanda: We don’t keep food over the winter. We’re sleeping. It’s up to you and Suzy to feed yourselves.

Jake: Oh. I guess I hadn’t really thought it through. That makes sense.

Do Rabbits Hibernate in Winter? {How do they Survive?} » Birds & Wild

Suzy: It’s okay, sweetie. You’ve foraged before haven’t you?

Jake: Not, really. I lived at home. Guess I’ll have to pick it up.

Wally: Anything else?

Jake: Exactly how soundly do you guys sleep? I mean, what if there’s an emergency?

Wally: What kind of emergency?

Jake: I don’t know. What if we need you?

Punxsutawney Phil's Groundhog Day 2012: A Shadowy Science

Wally and Wanda looked at each other.

Wally: Good night, Jake. Have a good winter, Suzy.

Suzy: Sleep well, guys. See you in the spring.

Jake started hopping around.

Jake: This is really weird. They’re going to sleep for months?

Suzy: That’s how hibernation works. We’ll be fine.

Commentary: Hibernation? Give it a rest | Chanhassen Opinion | swnewsmedia.com

The Woodchucks get settled in for the winter, and are peacefully hibernating. Suzy and Jake were adjusting to life together.

Jake: We should have a party! You know, like a housewarming!

Suzy: We can’t have a party. The Woodchucks are hibernating.

Jake: How about something small? Just a few of our friends.

Reluctantly, Suzy agreed. A few rabbits came over one night. Suzy checked on the Woodchucks, and they seemed to be fine.

Group of rabbits eating food in the garden | Rabbit feeding, What to feed rabbits, Rabbit eating

Jake: See? I told you it would be okay.

Jake got into the habit of having a few of his buddies over every couple of days. One or two of them seemed to be pretty much living at the burrow. Suzy didn’t really notice because she was busy outside of the burrow. She really liked winter. Jake didn’t notice that the Woodchucks were a little restless in the their hibernation.

Jake: Suzy, this is great! It’s like having our own place. It’s like the Woodchucks aren’t even here.

Suzy: I’m getting nervous, Jake. This isn’t our place, and we really don’t know how much noise they won’t hear. I promised them I would be quiet.

Jake: Relax. They’re out for the season.

Researchers find the secret of the bunny hop: it's all in the genes | Genetics | The Guardian

Jake decided to throw a party. Suzy went along because she really liked Jake. Things were going pretty well until a bunch of rabbits started dancing. They were shaking the whole burrow. Suddenly, a very large form stood in the doorway.

Wally: I thought I told you that you needed to be quiet?

Jake didn’t even see him. Suzy poked him to attention.

Jake: What?

Groundhog Day 2022: Forecast, Facts, and Folklore - Farmers' Almanac - Plan Your Day. Grow Your Life.

Wally: I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET IF YOU WANTED TO STAY HERE!

Jake: Did we wake you?

Wally: Of course, you woke me. You woke everyone in the neighborhood. You need to leave. Now.

The other rabbits had scattered when they saw the large woodchuck. It was only Suzy and Jake in the burrow.

Suzy: I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was going to be so loud. I shouldn’t have agreed to it.

Wally: No, you shouldn’t have. He has to go. Or you both have to go. Now.

Jake slunk out into the darkness. He had no idea where he was going. Suzy was in tears. Wally stomped back to bed.

Next week: What is going to happen to Jake?

Can Rabbits Stay Outside in the Winter? | Rabbit Hole Hay

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

11

Live Big: Celebrate National American Bison Day

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Plains Bison (Bison bison bison) | U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service

Greetings. Exciting news. Today is National American Bison Day! You know, those huge hairy beasts roaming the North American plains. The ones everyone used to call buffaloes. They’re the largest mammal in North America, and they have their own day to celebrate their awesomeness.

Bison Bellows: A New Initiative to Celebrate Bison (U.S. National Park Service)

We’re lucky we still have this beauties with us. Before the European settlers arrived, there were approximately 30-60 million bison roaming around. (We know that’s a wide range, but bison weren’t very good recordkeepers.) Native Americans used bison for food, clothing, shelter, and other things, but the settlers hunted them almost to extinction. (They were also not very good with rifles.) We only have about 10,000 left, living in 17 herds. They live in the western U.S. and Canada.

Bison Interests - Investment Firm, Oil and Gas Investments

Every year since 2012, the US Senate has passed a resolution declaring the first Saturday in November as National Bison Day. (No, we have no idea why they have to do it every year. It doesn’t really seem controversial.) Even better, on May 9, 2012 President Obama made the American Bison the National Mammal of the U.S. with the National Bison Legacy Act.

First baby bison of the year born at Fermilab

Bison Fun Facts

  • They can weigh up to 1,000 pounds (that’s like 100 cats)
  • They originated in Southeast Asia about 2.5-2.6 million years ago. Yellowstone Park is the only place in the U.S. where they have lived continuously since prehistoric times.
  • They are a lot faster than they look. They can run up to 35 miles per hour.
  • They have poor eyesight, but their hearing and sense of smell help compensate.
  • They live up to 20 years.
  • The babies are called red dogs.

9 Laughing Animals | Laughing animals, Baby animals, Cute animals

Bison Riddles

What did the mother say when her son went to college?  Bison.

How can you tell there’s a bison under your sleeping bag? The ceiling of your tent is very close.

How can you tell a bison from a field mouse? Try to pick it up. If you can’t, it’s either a bison or a very large mouse.

What do you get when you cross peanut butter with a bison? Either peanut butter that roams the range or a bison that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

What do you call a bison at the North Pole? Lost.

What kind of car does a bison drive? A Furrari.

What animal is always the designated driver? Water buffalo.

What time is it when a bison sits on your bed? Time to get a new bed.

65 Different Species of Animals Laugh, Says a New Study

Bison Jokes

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bison walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bison’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!” “Not really,” said the bison. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A man and his pet bison walk into a bar. It’s about 5 pm, but they settle in for a night of drinking. They spend the night drinking, one drink after another. Finally, it’s last call. The man says, ” One more for me, and one more for my bison.” The bartender sets them up, and they down the drinks. The bison falls over, dead. The mans throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat, and goes to leave. The bartender yells after him, “You can’t leave that lyin’ there.:The man responds, “It’s not a lion; it’s a bison.”

Bovini/Bisonte Americano(Bison Bison): | American bison, Animals, Herding

A bison sits down next to a man in a movie theater. The man asks, “Are you a bison?” “Yes, I am.” The man is surprised. “Why are you at the movies.” The bison replies, “I liked the book.”

A policeman stops a man who has a baby bison in the front seat of his car. “Why do you have a baby bison? You should take him to the zoo.” The man nods and drives off. The next week, the officer sees them again. They are both wearing hats and sunglasses. He pulls the car over. “I thought I told you to take the bison to the zoo.” The man replies, “I did, officer. We had such a good time, we’re going to the beach this week.”

Numbat - ZooBorns

Hope you found this entertaining. In case you’re interested, November 5th is also National Redhead Day, World Tsunami Awareness Day, Chinese Food Takeout Day, and World Numbat Day. Numbats are banded anteaters (also known as walpurti), who live in western Austalia. If you live in the UK, it is primarily known as Guy Fawkes Day/Gunpowder Day/Bonfire night. They are celebrating either an attempt to blow up Parliament or the successful repression of that attempt.

Regardless, we think it’s Bison who rule the day.

National Bison Month - American Humane - American Humane

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

Jokes courtesy of http://www.jokes4us.com/animaljokes/buffalojokes.

21

What’s Worse Than a New Cat in the House?

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Cute Photos of Cats and Babies Sure to Steal Your Heart

Greetings, everyone. We, Snoops and Kommando Kitty, are welcoming our new brother Sgt Stripes to the blog because we are all in a terrible situation this weekend. We have been overrun by two small (13 months and 2 years), loud children. And we are not happy.

Snoops here. They arrived Thursday, and nothing seemed out of place. Our human sister brings them over once in a while. They stick around for a few hours, make a lot of noise, smell weird, and then go home. Then our sister and her husband left, but the rugrats stayed. I was pleasant and didn’t run away, but one of them tried to touch me. I am now watching from a distance.

Sgt Stripes reporting. I had a terrible night. The way it usually works is that I have the run of the upstairs house during the day. Then the humans spend time with me at night before I go to my room and Kommando (and maybe Snoops) sleeps with Mom. Last night, they brought up these two creatures. I’ve never seen anything like them before. I guess they’re miniature humans. But the one tried to CHASE me.

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I was terrified. I love cuddling with the big humans, and have no problem letting them pick me up. But this creature was trying to grab me! And he was making a lot of noise. I hid under the bed. Later, the bigger one started crying. A lot. There was no way I was coming out. After they were finally asleep, the humans coaxed me out. But I refused to go in my room. That’s where they tried to grab me. At least they slept for a long time. They went back downstairs in the morning. But I think they’ll be back tonight.

Kommando here. Today was even worse than yesterday. Mom had them in the kitchen while she was doing the dishes. The little one unplugged our fountain and dumped the water. Mom didn’t think he could get to the cord. Now we have to drink out of a bowl until they leave. Our kibble and wet food can’t sit on the floor right now either unless we are being fed. One of them tried to eat it. When the little humans visit, their parents usually put a fence in place to keep them out of the kitchen. But the fence keeps me out too. (I’m not really a jumper.)

I tried to get cuddles while Mom was watching TV. But that little human was on the sofa with her. And he PETTED me. It was very traumatic. Now I’m with Snoops watching them from a distance.

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We’re not sure how long they’re staying. Mom says a couple more days. That is a long time. Our eating is messed up. And our bedtime routines are scrambled. Mom says they’re trying to be friendly because they have kitties of their own. We’ve heard stories that our cousins Angel and Thunder even let them touch their tails. Not gonna happen here.

We don’t have much experience with small humans, but they smell even worse than big humans. Maybe because they’re down here on the ground with us. And sometimes they make a lot of noise. Mom tries to keep them quiet and entertained, but sometimes it doesn’t work and they cry. Really loud.

We thought it was tough trying to get used to other cats. This is a whole different animal.

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Pictures courtesy of Google Images

24

Sgt Stripes Reporting for Duty

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Hello, everyone! My name is Sgt Stripes, and I am the new cat in the house. I moved in three weeks ago after my surgery. They said they had to “fix” me. Pretty insulting if you ask me. I think they actually broke me. The doc said I was going to need a couple of weeks to recuperate fully. I was up and exploring by that night.

I was supposed to be separated from the lady cats (Snoops and Kommando) for two weeks while I healed and then introduced. It didn’t work out that way. I got loose after a couple of days and ran downstairs. I woke up Snoops. She was not pleased. I’ve never seen a cat that fluffy. She sounded really mad too.

Then I got out and met Kommando. I tried to walk up to her, but she ran away from me. She hid under the bed. I didn’t even get a chance to introduce myself. I hope she’s not really afraid of me. I didn’t chase her or anything. And I didn’t make any noise.

So they’ve been letting me stay upstairs during the day and in my room at night. I really like it here. I have my own full-size bed. They have a cat-size bed too, but I’m not sure who’s supposed to be staying in that one. They gave me some kind of blanket that warms up. I really like it since it’s gotten kinda cold. There are all kinds of places to jump on. And lots of windows to look out. But it’s kind of boring all by myself.

I have a big fish that I play with, but my favorite is something that Mom calls a “puffy.” I guess humans put soap in them and use them when they take a bath. It’s the perfect size for me to pull on the edges and use as a kick toy. Humans take weird baths. I thought water was just for drinking. I’ve discovered that I really like toilet paper. It shreds like crazy. It’s the perfect workout for my claws. For some reason, the humans don’t like having it all over the room.

The food is pretty good. I get wet food in the morning, and kibble at night. I haven’t seen any mice or voles on the menu yet. I’m hoping that I’ll get a shot at fresh meat soon. I tried some of my brother’s pasta today. Human food is fun, but some of it doesn’t taste very good.

The humans spend quite a bit of time with me. I like humans. They cuddle and pet me. I had to learn not to try to eat Mom though. She got really fussy when I tried gnawing on her arm. Head bonks seem popular. And humans are nice and warm! I like the computer too. But I haven’t figured out how to catch the animals in there.

I learned how to turn on the ceiling fan. The cord is long and I can pull it from my bed. The only problem is, that makes the room kind of cold. Mom said something about getting a different cord. I haven’t really had a chance to check out all the cool things on the top of the dresser yet.

I tried going downstairs again this evening. Snoops seemed okay with it. Not thrilled, but she stayed normal-size. Mom says tomorrow’s the day for the formal introduction. She’s going to bring in a huge catnip plant to distract the other cats. I’m going to have full run of the house. I can’t wait.

22

What to Do When Your Human Gets Sick

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here again. Mom’s sick, so we’re back on blog duty, as if being the talent wasn’t enough trouble without needing to keep this whole operation afloat by ourselves. Since this clearly won’t stand, we’re going to nurse her back to health. Mom says we’re not “Get Well” kitties, though. (She keeps talking about some former cat – we hate it when she loses focus on us like that.) So we’re going to us this post to prove her wrong. Here are some common human ailments, and what you can do about them.

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Coughing

Just like us, humans cough sometimes. Unlike us, it’s not because they get hairballs. Since they aren’t actually coughing anything up, the whole thing is a bit of an unsightly waste of time. Sometimes it can help to lay on your human’s chest. However, if they are really seriously coughing, then this isn’t always enough. Not to mention that it can make their chest seriously unstable, what with all the convulsions. In these cases, we advise laying over your human’s mouth and nose, which is almost guaranteed to stop their coughing.

Fever

If you’ve ever thought that your human is even warmer than usual, then they might have had what Mom calls a fever. You’re not dreaming; they actually do get warmer! As an added bonus, they’re even more likely to lay down when it happens, so make sure to take full advantage and get in a nice nap with your human. Ours keeps water on the bedside table when she has a fever, which we think is extra-considerate, since it means we only have to get up if we need to eat or use the litter box. Humans reading this, take note.

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Runny Nose/Stuffy Nose

You’d think a nose as basic as the average human’s would require little to no upkeep, but you’d be wrong. Somehow, it’s one of the most failure-prone parts of many humans, whether it gets clogged or starts to ooze human juice. On the whole, it’s pretty gross, so we recommend that you stay away until your human is healed on their own. It might feel callous, but there’s really nothing you can do. Humans are tougher than they look (thank goodness).

sleepy cat Blank Template - Imgflip

Lethargy/Drowsiness

On a more positive note, your human may become tired and lie down because of their illness. This is what we mentioned when were talking about fevers. As we stated earlier, this is the perfect time to catch up on all those missed nap opportunities from when your human was making lame excuses to leave the house, like “work.” (Your very presence should comfort and reassure your human. If it doesn’t, or if you can’t tell, make sure your human knows you’re there, by batting at their face, jumping on their chest, gently gnawing their toes, or whatever you normally do to get their attention. Your human might be sick, but that’s no excuse for them to be ungrateful.)

Headaches

Occasionally, your human might complain about a sore head. We’ve seen how their brains work, so this isn’t surprising. In general, they’re kind of like fevers, where making sure your human is resting and recovering on their own is the best option. Some headaches are made worse by loud noises, though. If your human winces and holds their head when you hear something noisy, take note. We recommend loudly meowing to cover up the noise aggravating your human’s condition – be sure to drown it out entirely, working in a team if necessary.

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Upset Stomach

Some humans have very delicate dispositions. For example, Mom gets queasy when Snoops brings her mousy bits to snack on. Many humans complain of tummy trouble from time to time. Our best advice is to just be proactive and keep an eye on what your human is eating. If there’s anything you don’t recognize, you should at least give it a sniff test, if not a taste test. remember that your human might no know what’s best for them, and don’t be afraid to be persistent if they don’t want to let you see their food. If you’re not careful, Bast knows what they will put in their mouths. Ours keep trying to eat lentils.

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This list, with the exception of lethargy/drowsiness, is by no means exhaustive, but we hope it provides insight on some of the more common human maladies. Proper care, treatment, and maintenance will have your human performing at peak efficiency – a properly taken care of human takes care of you properly. Also, we had to prove that we’re better get-well kitties than what’s-her-name. With that done, we wish you the best of luck using our tips to keep your own human in tip-top shape!

Purrs & Headbonks,

Snoops and Kommando Kitty

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

12

Gator Family Vacation: A Punk Croc Odessey – Part 2

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Alligators spotted at Lake Worth over Memorial Day Weekend | wfaa.com

Where we are – The gators decided to head north for a family vacation on Lake Michigan. Meanwhile, Uncle Stu has been road-tripping with his favorite punk croc band, Acrocalypse. Stu called Granny to have Stan meet him in Detroit. Stan and his family pull up outside a landmark club on Detroit’s west side, The Swamp. You can read Part 1 here.

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Justine: Gee, Dad. This place looks a little scary.

Stan: Don’t worry, girls. It’s just showing its age. This club has been around for years.

Stan walked up and tried to open the door, but it was locked. He walked around back and tried that door.

Stan: That’s odd. I know Stu said The Swamp.

Adele: Knowing Stu, he got the right club in the wrong city. Try calling him.

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Stan dialed the number and it rang. No answer and the mailbox was full. Stan let out a low growl. He called his mother.

Stan: Hi, Mom. Have you heard from Uncle Stu? I’m at the club, and there’s no one around.

Granny: Didn’t you get his message?

Stan: What message?

Granny: The band went out last night, and the bus broke down. They need you to pick them up in Flint.

Stan: Flint! We just drove through Flint. Why didn’t he call me?

Granny: I don’t know, dear. But they need to be back in Detroit in time for tonight’s show, so you better hurry.

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Stan was growling loudly by now. He turned the car around, and they drove an hour back to Flint. It wasn’t hard to find the Acrocalype bus. There weren’t many black-and-purple VW buses roaming the streets. 

Stan: Uncle Stu! We finally found you!

Stu: Stan! You made it! I was getting worried about you. Adele! It’s so nice to see you. Beautiful as ever. And the girls growing more gorgeous daily. C’mon. Let me introduce you to the guys!

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Stu introduced them to three rather small crocodiles. 

Stu: This is Billy Joe, Iggy, and Mick. Better known as Acrocalypse.

Stan: Pleased to meet you.

Billy Joe: The pleasure is ours. We appear to be stranded.

Stan: What happened?

Stu: We decided to see a band up here on our night off. When we got up this morning, the van wouldn’t start. I need you to take a look at it.

Stan: Me? I’m not a mechanic. You had me drive all the way down here to look at your van?

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Stu: Don’t be silly. I invited you to the club. But first we have to get to the club. So I need you to get the van moving. (Whispers) These are nice guys, but they don’t know the first thing about anything practical.

Stan rolled his eyes. He could hear Justine and Suzy giggling. Adele was trying not to smile. Stan opened the hood and told Stu to try to start the engine. He listened for a minute.

Stan: When was the last time you put gas in this thing?

Stu: Um. Probably about three days ago. It usually lasts about a week while we’re on a gig. We should still have a couple days worth of gas left.

Stan: How far do you usually drive?

Stu: Just around the city.

Stan: You’re not in the city. You’re in Flint.

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Stu: Oh yeah. I shoulda got gas.

Iggy: Man, Stu, you really shoulda got gas.

Stu: Okay. Let’s get gas and get back. We gotta get Stan ready for the show.

Stan: What do you mean, get me ready for the show?

Mick: You’re our bass guy for the next few nights. Iggy’s got a bad paw.

Stan: I’m not a bass player.

Billie Joe: Stu said you can play.

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Stan: I’m an accountant.

Iggy: Stu, you said he could play. You said he could play our stuff.

Stu: He can play your stuff. He was in a band called Blind Justice. They were very popular locally.

Stan: That was years ago. And we weren’t punkers. We were rockers.

Stu: You were good.

Justine: You were in a band, Dad?

Stan: It was a long time ago. When I was in college and just after.

Adele: You still play once in a while.

Stan: Not professionally.

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Suzy: Dad, you have to try.

Stu drove with the gators back to Detroit. By the time they arrived, Stan had agreed to try playing with Billie Joe and Mick.

Mick: Okay. Let’s start with “I Wanna Eat Your Dog.”

Stan joined in after a few notes and kept up with the band. Stu was nodding his head and keeping time. They moved through a few more of the old hits: “I Wanna Be Your Frog,” “Eat on the Brat,” and “Cairo Calling.” Stan was having a great time. The girls weren’t sure whether they were impressed or appalled.

Suzy: Dad, you’re actually pretty good.

Justine: I’m impressed. I have to post this on my GatorGram.

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The band mates huddled together, whispering. Stu looked at them nervously. Finally, Mick motioned him over, and they whispered some more. 

Iggy: The doc says I can’t play for about a week. Think you can cover the gig?

Stan: I don’t know. I’m supposed to be back at work.

Stu: Call them. Tell them it’s a family emergency.

Adele: Go ahead, honey. How many chances like this will you get?

And Stan got to live out the fantasy of many middle-aged former rockers.

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Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

16

Gator Family Vacation: A Punk Croc Odessey

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Stan and Adele were basking in the warm Michigan sun. For some reason, the family had decided to vacation Up North by Lake Michigan this year.

Suzy: Hey, Dad. Who planned this year’s vacation? It’s really pretty here.

Justine: It is pretty. But I got cold last night. You should have packed blankets, Mom.

Adele: It’s no worse than home in the winter.

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Stan: We’re only going to be here a few more days. I really like the sand. It doesn’t catch in my toes like the rocks by our creek.

Adele: I’m pretty sure your cousin Danny suggested it. He came up here when he was interviewing for a residency.

Suzy: I can’t believe he graduated from Animal Tech and is a real bird doctor.

Justine: I still think it’s goofy that he wants to treat birds. Where’s he going to work?

Stan: He got a really good offer from a clinic in the Everglades.

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Justine: Ooh! Gator nirvana! And he won’t have to worry about snow like up here. I can’t believe he even considered Michigan.

Adele: I guess they have a lot of birds in all these trees.

Just then, they heard a loud splash. Cousin Penelope had married her boyfriend Maxwell. They were trying to get their son Stephen into the water.

Penelope: C’mon, sweetie. Let’s go in the water.

Stephen: I don’t want to, Mama. You know I don’t like water.

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Maxwell: Don’t be ridiculous. You’re an alligator. We love water. It’s how we cool down.

Stephen: I’m not hot.

Maxwell: We’ll just get our feet wet.

Stephen: I don’t wanna.

Penelope: It’ll be fun.

Stephen: I don’t wanna.

Maxwell snuck up behind Stephen and pushed hard with his snout. Stephen landed in the water with a thud. The water only came partway up his legs, but Stephen was not happy. He started howling.

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Penelope: Stephen, just relax. It’s only water. You’ll have fun if you stop complaining. Look at your cousins. They’re having a great time.

Stephen: I don’t care. I don’t like water.

Finally, Penelope and Maxwell gave up. They all returned to the beach. Stephen was shivering.

Justine: How bizarre.

Suzy (giggling): You know what a princess Penelope has always been. The kid’s just like her.

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The gators laid on the warm sand and enjoyed the sun with their eyes closed. Stan was just about asleep.

Granny: Stan! Wake up! I have to talk to you.

Stan opened one eye.

Stan: What’s up?

Granny: It’s your Uncle Stu. He needs your help.

Stu was a beloved elder member of the family. He kept the others entertained with his stories. Part of the reason he had so many stories was his legendarily bad sense of direction. He spent many hours being in the wrong place and trying to get home.

dreamt that alligators and crocodiles became famous music artists and it was very popular news, they also wore headphones for some reason : r/Dreams

He hadn’t joined the family vacation because he was spending the summer touring with his favorite punk croc band, Acrocalypse. He had been a fan for years, since it had evolved from its swamp rock roots, the band Creedence Crocodile Redemption.

Stu had been welcomed by the band and had been traveling with them on the tour bus. He did odd jobs along the way. It seemed to be working out well for everyone.

Stan: What happened? Did he miss the bus?

Granny: I don’t think so. He said he needs your help.

Gators – Gatorland

Stan: Doing what?

Granny: He didn’t say. But he want you to meet him in Detroit.

Stan loved Uncle Stu, but it was always an adventure when Stu needed help. Nothing was ever easy.

Stan: Why me? Everyone’s in Michigan. Can’t someone else go? What about my family?

You can take them with you. Please? Do it for me.

Stan sighed. He talked to Adele, and they made plans to leave for Detroit in the morning.

Next week: If he wasn’t lost, why did Stu need Stan?

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Pictures courtesy of Google Images.