Hi everyone! It’s Sgt Stripes! I was going to make a post on the hassles of being an “administrative assistant supervisor”, but I want a few more weeks of purrfecting my skills before I go into that. So I decided to take a page from my cousin Thunder’s book, and do a musical blog. Except, instead of Christmas songs, I decided to reformat Billy Joel. Blondie listens to him a lot. He’s pretty good. But my lyrics are better, and I’m really excited to share them with you! (I wanted to rewrite every song. Blondie said no, that we’d be here well past nap time. So I selected my 10 favorites.)
“Uptown Girl”– renamed “Uptown Cat”
“Uptown cat! I bet she’s never had to hunt a rat!
I bet she’s never had to slide on by, and steal a fish from some random guy!
I’m gonna try for an uptown cat!
She’ll be furry, and pretty, and black. She’ll be used to high luxury. And down feather beds on which she sleeps.
And then she’ll leap.
And when she’s purring, she’ll say that she’s mine.
And when she’s defurring, she’ll be so divine.
She’ll see I’m not so tough, just because I’m in love with an uptown cat!”
“Calm down you crazy cat.
You roll so much that your fur has mats.
But then if you’re so groomed, tell me why are you still so scruffy?
Where’s the brush, where’s the nail clippers? You better find them now so you can fix your furs.
You’ve got so much to lose, and you don’t want to have to be shaved.
But you know when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can sit and yowl.
You’re gonna kick off and scratch the human badly too. When will you realize, Vienna isn’t for you?
“You May be Right”– renamed “I’m Always Right”
“Friday night I broke your vase
and Saturday I smashed your cake
and Sunday came and all I did was nap.
I was only having fun!
I wanted to lounge in the sun.
But the humans kept yelling and I stayed awake!
I’ve been stranded with some grumpy humans,
I feel a sense of settling doom and now I am annoyed and upset.
I will twitch my tail and hiss! T
he humans will give me a kiss!
And it’s all because they don’t want to play!
I’m always right! Just deal with it. Even when you are annoyed with me, you are wrong. Don’t try to fight!
I’m cute, I’ll win this.
I’m always right, you’re always wrong,
and life goes on.”
“Saw a bag with my human, it had a new coat.
It was warm and furry and quite pristine.
He set down the bag and I wanted to take a look.
I decided the coat was bought for me.
I don’t need you to worry about me at night!
I’ve got this lovely coat to snuggle with.
It’s not as great as cuddles with you, but oh well!
This is my life and how I choose to live! I
never wanted you to spoil me with luxuries…
I never demanded the best things in life…
Don’t get me wrong, I deserve them all! Y
ou must give them to me, so I stay happy!”
“Only the Good Die Young”- renamed “Only the Good Lie Down”
“Come out Onyx, don’t let me wait!
This nap is planned to take all day.
Sooner or later you’ll come out and play.
And then we’ll be best friends…
They got you a pillow, got you a bed.
Got you a nice place to lay your head.
But my bed is better than your bed, you and I could have fun…
only the good lie down!
That’s what I said… only the good lie down, only the good lie down.
You might have heard that I jump and I purr really loud.
But I’m a large kitty and of this I am proud.
I might be playing a bit too loud.
But that never hurt no one.
So come Onyx cat, show me a sign.
Send up a signal. I’ll throw you a line.
You can chase and pounce and jump on mine.
The things that we might have done…
Only the good lie down!”
“One day I’m outside the house.
Then the next I’m upstairs inside.
I went from eating voles and a mouse, to getting kibble and silvervine.
I said ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, I’m street smart, with a big heart.
I said ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh,
I’m street wise, and that is how I survived!
Why should I worry? Why should I care?
I have a human, he’ll take care of me here. Why should I worry?
Why should I care? I’m a spoiled kitty, and everyone is aware.
The rhythm of the farm house, oh once you get it down, you will be a king cat, you can wear a crown!
Why should I worry? Why should I care?
I have a human, he’ll take care of me here. Why should I worry? Why should I care?
I’m a spoiled kitty, and everyone is aware.”
“The Entertainer”– renamed “Big Time Hunter”
“I am a big time hunter!
And I know just where to pounce.
I’m mastered at getting voles, I’m working on a mouse.
Today you won’t go hungry. Because I got a kill.
But I gotta go out and I gotta shout my hunting cry, and then I’ll sigh when I’m back in the house.
I am a big time hunter. The nip has nothing on me.
I am going to be successful as a hunter kitty. I
’ll go out to the garden. And get some juicy bugs.
And I’ll bring them to mom with a joyful song and I will not care when she fluffs her hair and lets the bugs run on the rug.
“Big Shot”– renamed “Big Cat”
“Well, you arched your back and you hissed at me, and fluffed your tail up too.
You thought you’d act so big that everyone would be afraid of you. A
nd you growled and mewed and hunkered back, trying to act scary.
But just know that everyone thinks that you’re a sweet kitty cat.
You had to be a big cat, didn’t ya, trying to scare off everyone? You had to be a big cat, didn’t ya, oh your tail is so fluffed up!
You had to have the last hiss last night, so much fun to be around.
You had to have the bright hot spotlight, you had to be a big cat didn’t’ ya? Ohhh.”
“Scenes From an Italian Restaurant”
“A bottle of milk. A bottle of cream.
Perhaps a bottle of the finest tuna juice, please.
We’ll get a table near the stream so we can catch fresh fish and sleep curled up, nice and warm…
a bottle of milk, a bottle of cream.
Some fresh catnip would be nice this evening.
We’ll curl up nice and warm on the table near the door, in our Italian restaurant.
“In the middle of the night. I wake from my sleep.
Having the urge to get some freshly cooked meat.
I go stalking and searching. My tummy rumbling loud.
I try to wake my human. But he is snoring loud.
And I stare and I think about how I must get some food…
and then a kibble dish appears in my sight, thank goodness for you! I
n the middle of the night, I wake my from my sleep.
Having the urge to get some freshly churned cream.
I am quite thirsty. After my kibble feast.
But all I can find is water.
This I will have to keep. In the middle of the night!”
I hope you enjoyed reading my interpretations of Mr. Joel’s songs as much as I enjoyed writing them (my typist would like to apologize to Mr. Joel in advance. I don’t know why. She just doesn’t get it)!
Adventures in Cheeseland 