Tag Archives: California Dreaming

9

Santa Claws and the New Delivery System

|

Image result for Santa cat"

Santa Claws was not a happy cat. It was three days before Christmas and his new Christmas route had not been finalized. He hated the new system.

Santa: Fluffy, my pet, why did they have to change my schedule now?

Mrs. Claws: You know very well what happened. That new employee you haired got everyone stirred up about working too hard, so we had to outsource some of the work to elves in other parts of the world.

Santa: I am never hiring another weasel. He has been nothing but trouble. Where is Mortimer anyway?

Image result for cute mink"

Mrs. Claws: I’m not sure. The last time I saw him he was offering to get Mindy Mink some cocoa.

Santa (laughing): I wonder if he knows her boyfriend is a wolverine.

Mrs. Claws: I’m sure he’ll find out soon enough,

Image result for wolverine animal"

Sant texted Mortimer. A few minutes later he was in the office.

Santa: Where is my schedule?

Mortimer: Don’t worry, you’ll get it.

Santa (growling): I want it now.

Image result for angry cat"

Mortimer: It’s not ready.

Santa: What do you mean it’s not ready? Christmas Eve is in two days.

Mortimer: I know! I know!

Santa: When will it be ready?

Image result for standing weasel"

Mortimer hesitated.

Santa: Well?

Mortimer: There’s been a little glitch.

Santa: What kind of glitch?

Mortimer: Well, the team in Guam has had a lot of absences and their toys aren’t ready.

Santa: What do you mean they’re not ready?

Image result for cat playing with toy mouse"

Mortimer: Um, the stuffed mice and treats are ready, but the crinkly tunnels and special cat beds are still being worked on.

Santa: WHAT? That’s a disaster! What are you going to do about it?

Mortimer: What do you mean me? I’m not an elf. I’m staff, like all the other non-felines.

Santa: You’re going to be staff clearing ice off the compound if you can’t fix this.

Image result for running weasel"

Mortimer: OK! Take it easy! Don’t get your fur in a hairball. I’ll see what I can do.

Santa: When you told me about your stupid plan, I said it wouldn’t work.

Mortimer: It’s not a stupid plan. It’s brilliant. We have workshops all over the world. All you have to do is drop by to pick up the toys for that area. No more lugging everything all over the world.

Santa: I said that we needed to have everything here so it could be sorted and put in the right order. It’s a magic bag, remember? It doesn’t require lugging. Now look at the mess you’ve made. We’ll have crying kittens all everywhere. My reputation will be ruined.

Image result for angry cat with arched back"

Santa Claws arched his back and began to growl. Mortimer looked at the door.

Mrs. Claws: I think you need to leave now, Mortimer.

Mortimer was out the door before she finished.

Mrs. Claws: Don’t worry. We’ll think of something.

Santa continued to hiss and growl.

Image result for Santa cat"

Coming up: Will Mrs. Claws be able to save Christmas for the kittens?

 

All pictures courtesy of Google Images.

4

Please Stop the Music

|

Disclaimer: I have always been unable to study with music on if it had lyrics; I wanted to listen to the words. I may be genetically incapable of ignoring background music. 

The eighties are alive and well at Ralph’s (the pseudonym for the store where I work). Sometimes the music they play sounds like a Top 40’s list from 1984. (I guess that ages me since I don’t remember the last time I heard the phrase Top 40.) As hard as I have tried, I cannot find any type of research that says a constant stream of Billy Joel and Huey Lewis induces people to buy more lettuce and canned corn.

Don’t get me wrong. I really like some of the music. But I remember a business trip I took to Toledo one time. I only lived a couple of hours away, so I drove. I made the mistake of taking more than one album (age alert!) by the same artist with me. It was months before I could listen to some of the songs.

The first year I was there, I only noticed the Christmas music. There really are a limited number of songs a retail store can play at Christmas without offending someone. When you’re open 24/7 and start playing the music right after Thanksgiving, everyone’s teeth are on edge by December 24. So they decide to extend the “mood” by continuing to play it until January 1.

Then I noticed that we also have patriotic music on Independence Day (July 4th). There is a seriously limited supply of patriotic music. Once you get past the anthems for each branch of the military, the Sousa marches, and America the Beautiful, the pickings get slim. Stars and Stripes Forever and the Washington Post March start to sound an awful lot alike by the fourth or fifth repetition.

It was last fall that I started to realize that some of the songs were on heavy rotation (yes, another phrase from the 80’s). I know that stores pay a service to get a certain package of music, so I wasn’t really surprised by the repetition. I just started started wondering why they would choose what they did. Maybe it’s cheaper to get older music? I guess the 80’s were when music started splintering into so many genres, so maybe they were looking for something generic. I just wonder if they really know what they got.

For example, fairly regularly we get to hear Ballroom Blitz by Sweet (1973). I’ve loved the song since the first time I heard it, but as music to shop by?

What about My Sharona by The Knack (1979)? Has anyone listened to the lyrics? They’re a little suggestive.

Or Rock the Casbah by The Clash (1982)? For one thing, people really don’t hear that first word well. More than one has thought it was F*** the Casbah, which would really be in poor taste. But the rest of the lyrics are pretty iffy too, if you actually listen to them. And the video is worse:

I’m going to end with another song that we hear a lot, although it’s from the 60’s. I really like it, but right now it hits a little close to home.

On the other hand, any of it is better than the Muzak stores played in the 80’s.