24

How to Get Your Human to Buy More Catnip

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Greetings from Snoops and Kommando Kitty. Mom’s not feeling well, so we took over are helping with the post. She didn’t like our first idea, “How to Play Hide-and-Seek with the Annoying Dog Next Door.” She also ruled out, “Games to Play with Potential Prey.”

We are writing about catnip instead. We tried to get Mom to test out the effects of the recipes. She said that she doesn’t like mint tea. We think she’s just being difficult.

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Catnip’s been around for a long time. In fact, the humans used it as medicine until recently. In more enlightened societies they still use it. We were thinking that if we can convince the humans to use it again, there will be a lot more laying around the house.

Try leaving some of these ideas for your humans.

Health Benefits

Humans can eat, drink (juice or tea) or smoke catnip to get results.  Catnip has been used to treat a lot of things. (We don’t know if it works, but don’t tell your humans.)

Stress – If you’ve been telling your human that the best way to de-stress is to cuddle with you, leave this one out.

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Sleep Aid – We recommend highlighting this one. There is nothing more annoying than a restless human sleeper.

Digestive Aid – It’s supposed to help all those tummy things that make your human grumpy and extra smelly. It’s worth a shot.

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Headache Aid – Another thing that makes humans extra grumpy. And they can rub a catnip leaf on their face to help. Unless your human is disgustingly dirty, you can enjoy the leaf when they’re done.

Healing Aid – Helps the body sweat out toxins during a cold or the flu. We recommend staying away from the human at this point. Sick, sweaty humans are a little disgusting and can make your fur damp.

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Anti-Inflammatory Aid – Humans use it for arthritis, gout, sprained muscles and aching joints. It has something to do with chemicals. We don’t understand it and your human probably won’t either. We’d leave it out.

Bug Bite Aid – Humans really don’t like being bitten. It’s a good thing most of them don’t have fleas. But if some bug does get them, catnip can help it hurt less. They’re supposed to use an extract, but nobody explains how to squeeze the plant to get it out.

Nutritional Aid – It’s full of good stuff and not poisonous.

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Catnip Tea

Place 1-2 teaspoons of dried catnip flowers and leaves (2-4 teaspoons fresh catnip) in a teacup.

Pour a cup of hot (not boiling) water into the teacup.

Let sit for 10-15 minutes.

Add honey and lemon (They say this improves the taste. We think they are wrong.)

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Fever Tincture

Fill a glass container 1/3 full with dried catnip

Cover the catnip with gin, vodka, rum or brandy

Secure the lid. Store for 4-6 weeks.

Strain out the herbs (catnip) and bottle it.

Use 1/8 to ¼ teaspoon every half hour for a fever.

(We recommend changing the recipe to fill the container to the top with alcohol so it can be used as a party drink.)

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Calming Herb for Smoking

Dry the leaves and/or flowers of the catnip plant. (It doesn’t say, but we recommend not using your dryer. It seems like that would make a mess.)

Prepare it for smoking. (We have no idea what this means. Hopefully the humans do.)

It will either calm you and make you relaxed or give you a mild sense of giddiness.

(Maybe you want to leave this one out of the project. We think the humans who wrote it might have been taking some other kind of medicine and got confused.)

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We wish you luck in your pursuit of more catnip. Hopefully we have been of some help.

Ed. NoteThis is by cats for cats. Our goal is more catnip, not healthier humans. Therefore, we have not forced any humans to take catnip to see what happens.

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pictures courtesy of Google Images

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23

Cat Forum: Interview with Spike

Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Today we are interviewing Spike from Spike the Scottish Black Cat. He is extremely photogenic (like the vast majority of us) as you will see when you visit his blog. He is also a great ambassador to other cats on WordPress; we have met several new friends through him.

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Mum brought me home from The Cats Protection when I was 8 weeks old. I was nervous going in the noisy thing humans call a car. Mum cuddled me all the way so I felt safe in mum’s arms.

 

We saw the pictures of you in the snow. Isn’t that awfully cold on your tummy?

I have a skin problem. I have medication for it. When it flares up my body especially my paws can become so hot. That’s why I love the snow it’s purrfect for cooling me down.

Spike is a really tough name. Do you have a cuddly side?

The people at The Cats Protection gave me my name. When I was born the fur on the top of my head stood up like a Spike. I can be cuddly on my terms.

What is your favorite thing to do?

Nowadays I love to sleep, eat and go out in my garden. Not forgetting to sniff my catnip bushes which are getting bigger every day.

The only things we know about Scottish treats are for humans (shortbread and scones). Nothing for cats. Do you have a favorite local treat?

Fish yummy. Fresh from the fishing boats then brought to the fish market. Prawn, tuna, Salmon. My mouth watering thinking about all that lovely fresh fish.

 

Does your human treat you well (respond to your every need in a timely manner)?

My human adores me. I have my meals when I choose and a nice brush once a day. Then play time but usually mum gets tired out before me. I have 4 beds so I can choose whatever one I want and she makes me catnip toys.

What do you like to do with your human?

I love to be out in the garden with mum. I have fun playing hide and seek and playing with my wand toys. I sometimes sit on mum’s bed and she will put on relaxing music for me it makes me so relaxed.

Horatio Hedgehog always wants us to ask European cats if they know any hedgehogs. Have you ever met one?

Yes I met a hedgehog, only the one but he was gone the next day. I was very curious about this strange looking creature. I tried to paw him but it didn’t feel nice a bit prickly.

Do you have friends in the neighborhood or are they pretty much all snobs?

There is wee ginger Craig next door he had a brother who got killed up on the road. Then along came Andy a friend for Graig but he wandered away and the roaring monster got him too. So it’s just Craig who I put up with as he’s just a youngster. Saying that a white kitten appears in my garden I think to steal my catnip. No snobs here.

Is there anything you would like to add?

I’m now 11 and have enjoyed my life with my mum. I hope I have many years left. I like just being on my own as I get 100% attention.

 

We really enjoyed talking with Spike and hope you’ll go see him.

(His mum broke her arm, so we hope she’s better. We know humans can’t properly cuddle with those things on their arms.)

18

Cat Forum: Interview with Bad Cat Chris

Welcome. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. We are very pleased to have Chris from Bad Cat Chris as our guest today. He’s here today talking about himself and his siblings Puck, Frankie and Floki. We’re not really sure why he’s called Bad Cat. He sounds pretty normal to us.

Please introduce your family members (nicely).

Hi everyone. I’m Chris and I will speak for everyone since I am in charge here. I am the oldest at 8 ½ years and just celebrated my eighth Gotcha Day.  They call me a bad cat because I am always doing things that I am not supposed to do but in my defense, rules are stupid. I am also the most affectionate cat in the house and nobody thinks that is bad.

I am a ginger like Frankie, who is the second oldest. Frankie is a rule breaker, like me, but he is younger and skinny and is harder to catch after he escapes, like he did at 4:00 a.m. this morning. Frankie was three years old when we adopted him in February, 2014 so that makes him almost seven.

Puck is a black cat who was adopted as a kitten in 2012. He was always the best behaved cat until he started pooping outside the box two years ago and peeing outside the box six months ago. He peed on the bed this morning so he and Frankie are both in trouble this morning.

Floki is a Siamese cat that we adopted as a kitten on the Fourth of July last year. Floki is now the official “good cat” of the house and the only mamma’s boy.

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Is there an “alpha” cat in the house?

That would be me but Frankie wants the job so I have to watch him closely

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Does everyone get enough time with the human of choice?

That is not a problem, the humans are pretty accommodating. Whenever I see Frankie on Dad’s lap there is always room for me too.

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What’s your favorite treat? Any nipheads among you?

Everybody loves freeze-dried raw food like Stella and Chewey’s and Instinct. We all like the nip too, especially me. Don’t let anyone come between me and my nip.

cat that looks like hippy trying to score some catnip, if you know anyone

Anybody have an odd quirk? (likes taking a bath, eating olives, etc.)

I like to hold Puck and Floki down by the scruff of the neck. Sometimes I drag them across floor that way. I don’t know why the humans think that’s weird.

cats napping in the guest room

What’s your favorite way to relax?

I like to sleep with my head on top of Frankie . . . or Puck or Floki or whoever is around.

Cat meme of overly friendly cat hugging the other.

What do you think is the weirdest thing about humans?

They are always doing this thing called work. I don’t get it. It doesn’t look fun at all. Sometimes they do it at home and sometimes they leave the house to do it. I guess that’s because humans are not as smart as cats.

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How do you feel about your human’s interest in feral cats? Any fear that you may get a new brother/sister?

I think it’s nice that they help those in need and I wouldn’t mind another subject in my kingdom but I think Puck would have a problem. He was still a good cat when it was just me and him.

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Does your human accurately reflect you in his blog or do you think he exaggerates sometimes?

He is not much of an exaggerator except when he talks about my weight. I am not fat! I just have a lot of storage space for energy that I sometimes use when I’m not sleeping.

Cat sitting human like as meme of how it feels when you overeaten and can't understand why your butt won't leave the floor.

Is there anything any of you would like to add?

I just want to thank you for considering us for your interview and I want to say I love all our readers. Also, if you want to get the real scoop, I handle our social media like Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Dad just writes the blog.

Cheezburger Image 9076967936

 

Memes courtesy of Cheezburger

15

Cat Forum: Halloween Safety

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Snoops: Greetings, fellow felines. Welcome to Cat Forum where we catch the news that the others drop.

Kommando: Do you like that? The marketing folks thought we needed a slogan and that’s what they came up with. It makes me think of a dog sitting under the dinner table.

Snoops: Regardless …

Kommando: Seriously, Snoops. Do you want a slogan that makes the audience think of drooly dogs?

Snoops: We can deal with that later. We have a very special guest today. She is Captain Ginger McPhurrson from the Cat Safety Patrol. She is going to be giving us some tips about Halloween Safety. Welcome Captain and thank you for being here.

Captain McPhurrson: Thank you for having me. I would like to commend you for planning ahead. So many cats think that all you need to do for Halloween is get some kibble treats and send the kittens out around the neighborhood.

Kommando: See? The other people didn’t even get a chance to drop this. It’s a dumb slogan.

Captain McPhurrson (laughing): You may have a point there, Kommando. There are three things I would like to talk about: trick or treating, catnip, and humans.

First is trick or treating. If you are planning to allow your kittens to go out this Halloween, you need to go with them. The days are gone when the fathers could take out the kids and hang out drinking spiked cream while the kittens went door to door.

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Last year, we caught a band of cats who were ransoming kittens for tuna and other goodies. A whole neighborhood bought tuna steaks to get their kittens back.

Snoops: That’s terrible. Those poor kittens!

Kommando: Those cats should be sent to a dog shelter!

Captain McPhurrson: We agree. The important thing is that no kitten should be out by themselves on Halloween. This also applies to the 1-year-olds who think they are all grown up. No parent means no trick or treating.

Snoops: That is definitely good advice. What else do you have for us?

Captain McPhurrson: I want to emphasize that Halloween is meant to be fun, but catnip needs to be used responsibly. Every year the hospitals are full of hallucinating cats.

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Snoops: Can you tell us how much is safe to use?

Captain McPhurrson: Well, that’s part of the problem. Some cats don’t seem to be affected by it at all, while others seem to be “nipped” after a few leaves. We recommend that every party have at least one or two non-nippers. That way they can watch for friends who seem to be overly frenzied.

And under no circumstances whatsoever should catnip be given to a kitten under one year old.

Snoops: You said you also wanted to talk about humans.

Captain McPhurrson: Our best advice is to avoid them as much as possible during the Halloween season. Those of you who live in cat communities should stay in your neighborhoods. Humans are all wrapped up in their own kittens and don’t watch where they’re going. Besides, human kittens are scary on Halloween. They usually dress up so they don’t look like humans.

Kommando: The really funny ones are the ones that try to look like cats.

Captain McPhurrson: They are scary looking.

You cats who keep human servants have a different issue. Some of those humans will try to get you to dress up in little costumes or use you as a prop for their party. You shouldn’t sacrifice your dignity for the humans, no matter what treats they offer. Before you know it, you will be on Instagram or Facebook and all your friends will know.

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   Image result for halloween cat

Snoops: That is a lot of really good advice, Captain. Thank you again for being on our show.

Captain McPhurrson: I enjoyed being here. I hope you both have a happy, safe Halloween.

 

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(All other pictures courtesy of Google Images)

0

Hmmmm….

Sometimes, my brain runs amok –

Why did I have so much more energy when we had no Internet access?

Why do people wearing shorts and tank tops complain about how cold it is in the dairy section? Why do some of them get irritated when I tell them the cheese likes it that way?

Why can chefs serve possum and muskrat for outrageous prices when those people would never eat that meat at home?

Why does it seem to snow at least a little every day in the winter but we can’t get rain when we need it in the summer? (I’m not complaining)

Why did our new neighbor not check the property lines before taking out bushes on our side? He also cut down most of the trees on his property. Maybe it isn’t an aversion to wild roses. Maybe he just doesn’t like the color green?

Why do they fill holes in our roads with loose asphalt and not pack it down?

Why does driving in the dark in the morning seem so much more unnatural than driving in the dark at night?

A strange cat jumped on our window box and our cats just sniffed it rather than trying to run it off. Is that a violation of the Cat Code of Conduct?

If night crawlers come out in the night, and meal worms hang out in the meal (if given the opportunity), why aren’t wax worms attracted to wax?

Why didn’t the union object to the new time clocks the company put up (fingerprint recognition)? I’m not sure the company understands it – they don’t have baseline prints.

Why doesn’t my sun therapy lamp cheer me up on gloomy summer days when it works fine in the winter?

Why is our ground cover growing into the cement rather than moving the other direction into the dirt?

Why don’t I ever see live skunks on the side of the road?

Why do some people seem to completely lose their sense of modesty when it gets hot? There are some parts of a stranger’s body that I never want to see. Ever.

Why does Kommado Kitty not like her treats when they’re new? Does catnip have to age?

What did beer drinkers do before there were summer and winter options? Was it really a cause of stress?

Why don’t all those kids who play soccer grow up wanting to watch it on TV like the kids who play baseball and football?

Why is the Sunday crossword puzzle in The New York Times so much harder than the one in the Boston Globe? I can’t believe the people in New York are smarter.

Who came up with “amok”? It sounds like your mind is someplace dirty.

 

(btw – I hit my one-year anniversary on WP last week. It seems that most people write something clever about that. I didn’t have anything clever to write, so you can just send me congratulatory chocolate.)