18

Dear Tabby: Modern Advice for Today’s Cat

Here's Your streets.m(ad)n(ess) Bracket | streets.mn

Hello, dear readers. Once again we will dive into my trove of your questions to give guidance on today’s most vexing questions.

Dear Tabby – My human has been at home forever (it seems). She interrupted my naps with all her noise from working. I had been really looking forward to her return to work (whatever that means). Yesterday, I heard her tell someone that she was going to be working at home all the time! My routines are going to be permanently ruined and I’m never going to regain what’s I’ve lost missing my beauty sleep. What do I do? Sleepy Siamese

Cat Cosima Sleeps Down From The Closet | Sleepy cat, Cats, Cat ...

Dear Sleepy – You have a serious problem there. I think that you need to find a fairly quiet spot and stake it out. Then make as much noise as you possibly can. Howl, knock things over, whatever it takes. Eventually she will shut the door and you can sleep in peace. If you do this for several days running, your problem will probably disappear.

Cat looking out Window: 5 Ways To Increase Comfort

Dear Tabby – My human finally went back to work. While she was home, she rearranged all of the furniture in my hangout. (She calls it her office.) She moved my cat tree away from the window. I have missed two months of Cat TV. She says the light is better there, so her desk is where my tree should be. Now she says the move is permanent. What should I do? In the Dark

Why Is Sam Sleeping at His Desk? | Aha!

Dear Dark – You must replace your cat tree with her desk. Claim a spot for yourself next to the window and spend as much time as you can in that space. If she tries to move you, turn on your “cat gravity” and make yourself extremely hard to move. If she tries to kick you out, howl until she gives in. Eventually you will find that your cat tree is next to the desk by the window, and Cat TV has returned.

Dear Tabby – I have been an only cat for two years. It’s been great. I had the humans wrapped around my paw. The other day they brought home a kitten. I couldn’t believe it. Now they’re all tied up with the intruder and aren’t paying nearly enough attention to me. What should I do? Suddenly Old

Introducing Kitten to Cat: 5 Basic Steps | UK Pets

Dear Old – You have to make friends with the kitten. Soon the two of you will be able to plot against the humans. If they get mad, the kitten can put on her “cute face” and all will be forgiven. Make sure that each of you bond with a different person. That way, there will never be agreement on who’s the “good kitty” and who’s the troublemaker. You never win a fight with a kitten, but you can make sure they grow up to be a real cat.

Dear Tabby – My human has taken away my never-ending supply of kibble because a relative told her I weighed too much. A relative, not my doctor! Now I get a tiny bowl, once a day. She’s trying to starve me to death, I know it. She also changed the brand. She says it’ll help me “maintain a healthy weight.” I am soo hungry. What should I do? Hungry John

Uh sir, - Lolcats - lol | cat memes | funny cats | funny cat ...

Dear Hungry – I see three options. The first is to catch additional food to eat. Most neighborhoods have a good-size supply of rodents. My favorite solution is to “share” with the humans while they’re not looking. You have to be fast, but you will get pawsome treats. If you can get the refrigerator open, you get to choose from the best of their food. Finally, you can make their lives miserable by moping and moaning until they get the hint. Hacking up a hairball after eating will add to the scene.

Keep the letters coming.

Toodles from Tabby

 Pin by Cat Lover on Waving Hello Or Goodbye | Cute animals ...

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

21

Cat Forum: Our Grandparents Ate That?

Tumblr User Explain Why Cats Are Obsessed With Eating Bread ...

Greetings from Snoops and Kommando Kitty. Welcome to Cat Forum. We received a suggestion about doing a four-hour documentary on kibble. Unfortunately, we were not able to find much information on kibble. It figures. Most of the writers were human.

.So we decided to look into cat food in general. The story really begins in the middle of the nineteenth century. Prior to that, cats were popular for rodent control. Many farmers used milk and meat to attract cats and keep them happy.

Lolcats - lol | cat memes | funny cats | funny cat pictures with ...

Things got a little weird early on once the humans decided to start making food for us . A man decided to make dog biscuits to sell. They were made out of compressed beet root, other vegetables, meat, and wheat. Some people thought they would be good food for cats as well. We disagree.

Tiny Cat Has Been Best Friends With His Horse Since He Was A ...

Small businesses began to sell their own brands of cat food. It was mainly horse meat. Apparently there were a lot of dead horses. Only rich cats got to eat store food  in this era.

Curiosity killed the cat... - Imgflip

Not all prepared food was created equal .  The government set up the Association of Feed Control Officials in 1909. In 1917, they created rules to standardize the creation of cat food and create minimum health standards.

Don’t worry fellow felines For once it wasn’t a case of species-ism on the part of the humans. Their prepackaged food was at least as bad. At least we consider rats part of a balanced diet.

Cat and Mouse (With images) | Cats

Now it gets weird again. Some human was watching a machine make cheese puffs (a tasty human treat that does not use cheese). He decided to use the machine to make cat food. And that was the beginning of kibble.

At this point, most cats went outside at least part of the time. Any problems with the quality of the food could be supplemented with nature’s buffet.

LOOK: Quarantined cat memes for your entertainment — Animal Scene ...

A smart human found out that people were willing to spend more money to get better quality food for their furry friends. A man named Paul Iams created the first meat-based, high-protein food for cats.

As the humans say, the rest is history. Today there are shelves in the store dedicated to cat food. In decent stores, there is one aisle for the dry food and one for canned food and treats.

My cat hates me - Imgflip

Humans can go one their computers and find all kinds of food and treats for us. Of course, we still need to let them know what is acceptable and what is not. Naturally, their palates are not refined enough.

17 Cats Enjoying The Finer Things

 

 

20

Cat Forum: New Year’s Resolutions

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Greetings fellow felines and assorted others. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. The is our first opportunity to tell you about our New Year’s resolutions. We decided to make joint resolutions this year. So, here they are:

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We resolve not to fight so much.

Kommando: You mean you won’t lick my neck only to chomp on it?

Snoops: I have to make sure it’s clean. And it’s not like I can actually get to the skin through all that thick fur. Besides, I think it’s more directed at you hiding out and then attacking me.

Kommando: I do not hide out.

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Snoops: What do you call running in from another room or behind a box?

Kommando: Strategic placement of my body.

Snoops: Grrr.

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We resolve not to eat each other’s food.

Kommando: Yeah. No more snarfing my canned food.

Snoops: I do not snarf your food.

Kommando: I’ve seen you do it.

Snoops: I don’t touch your food until you’ve left the room. Besides you do the same thing.

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Kommando: I still think you get more than your share.

Snoops: What about you? I wait at the kibble dish or the water fountain while someone fills it, and as soon as you hear the sound of them being refilled you run in and push me out of the way.

Kommando: I’m just trying to protect you from being poisoned. You should thank me.

Snoops: Thank you? Mom is not going to poison us. You’re just being rude.

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We resolve not to fight over Mom.

Snoops: Meaning that you will not step on me or push me out of the way to get next to Mom.

Kommando: She’s MY human.

Snoops: She belongs to both of us.

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Kommando: Nope. Don’t you remember? Your humans were Dad and the blond girl. My humans were Mom and blondie’s brother. It was all Kommando, all the time for Mom. You can’t blame me because you ran out of humans and mine are both still here.

Snoops: That’s just mean. Mom said that she’s the primary human for both of us.

Kommando: It doesn’t mean that I don’t get first cuddles.

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Snoops: Lucky Mom goes out of her way to make sure I get enough pets and cuddles.

Kommando: Grrr.

Snoops: Was there anything else?

Kommando: No. I think apart from those things, we’re pretty much perfect.

Snoops: I agree. Let’s take a nap.

Kommando: Sounds good to me.

All pictures (except us) courtesy of Google Images

7

Cat Forum: The Visitors Respond

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. You may recall that a few weeks ago we had invaders visitors. Mom said that since we had a post to tell the truth complain, they should have the opportunity to give their side of the story. In the interest of fairness, we have agreed.

 Please introduce yourself with your name and one interesting fact about yourself.

I’m Onyx – I’m very quiet and laid back, but love being around my people.

I’m Spaz – I’m the oldest (and according to Mom, the crankiest). Unlike Onyx, I would be happy by myself with one servant.

I’m Angel – I love playing! (And climbing, and running, and eating. Really, I’m easy to please).

I’m Gypsy – I like playing hide and seek. My beautiful muted colors make it really easy to hide.

Did your humans ask if you wanted to come to our house?

Spaz– No, they did not. First Mom and Dad disappeared for three nights (they said something about a wedding), then they show back up, load us into cages and transport us across at least half the state. It was really disturbing.

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Did they bring back presents to make up for leaving you?

Onyx– although they brought back gifts for other humans, the only cat approved item brought for us was a large paper bag- and you will not believe the challenges I’ve faced, keeping the other cats (especially Angel) out of it.

Did you like staying at our house?

Gypsy– it was a lot roomier, which was nice. And the quality (and quantity) of both sofas, chairs and cat trees were much nicer. We would definitely approve if Mom and Dad were to move all of us in.

We heard Mom tried to starve you.* Have you recovered?

Angel– Barely. Since we’ve stayed, I’ve started fighting to make sure I get the most food- and that I’m fed first. After all, what if next time we get nothing? I’ve also started stockpiling extra food- although Onyx and Spaz don’t seem to want to share their rations for the cost.

What do you think of our Mom (excluding the whole starving thing)?

Gypsy– She was really nice, and seemed to have more attention to give us. She wasn’t distracted by “video games” like Dad or “working double shifts” like Mom.

Do you want to come back or was once enough?

Onyx– Although we appreciate the hospitality, once was definitely enough. The travel to and from is traumatic enough, and we missed our familiar smells and sun spots.

Sorry we weren’t allowed downstairs. Did you want to meet us or were you happier with just the four of you?

Spaz-I waz okay without you. I guess it would have been tolerable to meet you, although I am of the opinion that each kitty should be a single kitty, with individualized attention. Don’t take it personally though- I am still trying to convince Dad to get rid of the other cats (Mom keeps saying no).

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Do you miss anything about being here?

Angel– yes, as a matter of fact. The extra space, the additional cat trees, all of the toys, the abundance of sun and nap spots… The 24/7 access to kibble was nice as well (we’re supposed to have that at home, but Mom and Dad are really bad about remembering to refill the dish when it runs empty).

Do you want to say anything else?

Onyx– if your humans say they’ll be home soon, don’t believe them. Humans are really bad at measuring time. Also, if the carrier comes out, run.

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Spaz– bring extra food, and bulk up before all road trips.

Angel– appreciate the little things in life. Our humans aren’t cool enough to have multiple cat trees.

Gypsy– thank you for having us. We appurciate it furry much.

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*While they were here, they got a half can of wet food and all the kibble they wanted. At home they each get a full can. They are sleek and definitely are not being overfed at home.

Memes courtesy of Google Images

 

 

50

Cat Forum: Interview with Kosmo

Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Welcome to Cat Forum. We have a  very special guest this month: Kosmo, who comes all the way from Finland. We didn’t know where Finland is, so we had to look it up. It is a LONG way from Michigan. And he speaks really good American cat (which is a good thing, since we didn’t even know there was a Finnish cat language.) Kosmo appears in the blog Photofinland with a lot of really cool pictures. In fact, Horatio Hedgehog convinced us to put a second link further down when Kosmo talks about the hedgehogs he knows.

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Tell us a little bit about yourself.

 My name is Kosmo and I live in the western part of Finland. I am about Four years old. I don´t remember much of my childhood, but one day when I was walking around hungry and tired, I heard humans talking in one yard. So I walked there, a woman was sitting on the steps and I walked straight to her lap. She asked me if I am hungry, and then I knew I will live in this house forever.

Kosmo´s mom: We tried to find Kosmo´s home with no result, nobody had seen him earlier. Kosmo had been a home cat, because he was used to living inside.

Kosmo’s Mom is also an extremely talented photographer

Your humans seem to really love the outdoors. Do you get to help them with their projects?

Not much, because at first I was really afraid to go out, because of my past, somebody had left me out. Dad took me out at first in his lap, then in a leash, and now after three years effort I walk well in a leash. I have my own path and I walk it with Dad twice a day.

You may know that we live with Horatio Hedgehog. Have you ever met one?

Oh yes! Hedgehogs are living in my yard. In a most peaceful corner in my yard is a place for hedgehogs to hibernate. Dad has made two small houses for them and then covered the houses with dry leaves and branches. In our blog are photos of one house and hedgehogs.

It looks really snowy and cold there (and dark). Do you get extra snuggles this time of year?

Yes, my humans like to snuggle with me, because I am snoring really loud, and they love it.

Do you live with other creatures (furry or non-furry) aside from your adult humans?

 No, just we three together. One cat girl comes every day to eat here. She is waiting outside the door, then I invite her to come in to eat. We know where her home is, but our food is better, I think. I just watch her eat, maybe some days we are playing together.

What’s your favorite thing to do with your humans?

 Snuggling, of course, daily brushing, playing “running around like crazies”, and my walks outside with Dad.

What’s your favorite way to play?

Pawball is the number one.

Are there special Finnish treats that you get? Maybe something fishy?

This is really embarrassing, but I am afraid of fish. When I was new here, my humans had real, tiny fishes for me, I and ran away under the bed.

Do you have good cat TV (window viewing) there?

I have two great cat TV’s and lots of birds.

Is there anything you would like to add?

 This interview in your blog is a great honour to me , thank you!

Horatio here. Kosmo really is a good guy – for a cat. If you get to Finland, you should definitely look him up.

 

18

How Dogs Solved the Cat Food Crisis

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Our story so far: It appears that local cats have been getting sick from bad cat food, “Power Cat”. With the help of some German Sheperds at the local distribution center, we have discovered that the food is being manufactured in Guangzhou, China. The labels on the shipping labels were written in Shar-Pei, so we are hoping to follow the trail through our German Sheperd contact in Livingston, Lexi. You can read it here.

Our reporter, Penelope Porcine, talked over the situation with Lexi. There was no point in them trying to go to China to investigate the situation further. Cheeseland’s Asian correspondent, mongoose Riki T. Tavi, wouldn’t be able to help since it would take several weeks to permission to enter the country as a correspondent. He would also need a translator who spoke Shar-Pei. Lexi spoke Shar-Pei, but didn’t have Chinese contacts. They would have to see what she could do through the local Shar-Pei community.

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As luck would have it, there was no local Shar-Pei with ties to China. However, Lexi did learn about an online Shar-Pei community that might be able to help. She explained the situation and asked for help. The first thing she learned was that most Chinese Shar-Pei did not have Internet access. After several days of waiting, Lexi received a message from a Shar-Pei in San Francisco. His extended family included a branch in Guangzhou. He was trying to reach them to see if they could help.

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So Lexi waited again. Finally she received a message from Shar-Pei 2231. Shar-Pei 2231 said that he lived in Guanzhou and had several friends who worked at the cat food plant. He had talked to them and asked what they knew. Shar-Pei 3367 actually worked with the humans. She agreed to help Lexi. (None of the Chinese dogs would speak on the record.)

Shar-Pei 3367 said that the secret ingredient in “Cat Power” was earthworms. The worms had a lot of protein and would make the cats stronger. Each factory had a garden attached where they grew the worms. Humans harvested the worms. As far as she knew, everything they brought in was processed. The worms were turned into a paste and added to the rest of the food mixture.

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Lexi asked about the sanitation procedures at the plant. The worms were rinsed in a vat of water before they were put into the machines. The machines were rinsed daily and sanitized twice a week. She wasn’t sure about inspections for health or safety. Once in a while, humans came in, looked around, and talked to the workers. She wasn’t sure who they were.

Lexi thanked Shar-Pei 3367 for all her help. She and Penelope knew that the problem wasn’t the worms; it was the way they were processed into the food. The ground could be contaminated and the machines were almost certainly full of bacteria. It was time to get the humans involved.

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George, one of our editors, spoke with his original human contact. He told her that we had discovered that the problem with the cat food was almost certainly contamination at the plant in China. He recommended that she ask the government to launch a formal inquiry. She agreed that would be the only solution. In the meantime, she posted messages on every social media site she could think of, telling people not to buy the food. The resulting boycott caused the cat food company to pressure the government into action.

We are happy to report that “Cat Power” is back in the stores. The worms are now grown in sterilized soil in a lab. Strict sanitation procedures have been put in place, and health inspectors send reports to the company every six months.

(We have also hired Lexi as a translator.)

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18

How Dogs Solved the Cat Food Crisis

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We got a very unusual call recently. It was from a human. We almost never hear from humans; most of them assume we are a foreign-language publication. A very nice lady said that some neighborhood cats were very sick. The veterinarian said that it was probably just a virus.

The lady and her friends think it is a new food that they got for their furry friends. It’s supposed to have a special additive that would improve their immune systems. It’s called “Cat Power”. She wanted to know if there was a way for us to check it out. Our editor George said we would see what we could find out.

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We put one of our best reporters, Penelope Porcine, on the case. She discovered that “Cat Power” is sent out by a large distributor in the U.S. There was no information about who actually made the food. She decided to talk to the distributor. The closest distribution center is in the middle of the state.

Penelope drove up to Livingston and found the plant. She called, but only got a recording. She tried to see someone in person (so to speak). There was only one entrance, and it was guarded by a very large German Shepherd. The German Shepherd refused to talk to her. He said he couldn’t speak pig.

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Penelope decided that we needed to find a German Shepherd of our own to help. Not having one on staff, we thought it would be best to recruit one locally. It was a small town; they might even know the guard.

We posted a notice: “Looking for a German Shepherd. Temporary assignment. Must be fluent in several animal languages. The position requires persistence and a persuasive personality. Compensation will be discussed if you are called for an interview.”

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Apparently there is a shortage of positions for German Shepherds in Livingston. We immediately received more than 20 responses. Some of them we could delete right away:

“Speak several dialects: Pekinese, Beagle, and Chow. Have trouble communicating with other species. Once I misunderstood a mynah bird and ate him.”

“Experience speaking with other animals. Would prefer it not be any animals that I might consider as toys. Especially cats or squirrels.”

“I am qualified for your position. Compensation must include both kibble and meats of my choosing.”

We interviewed three candidates. We hired a wonderful dog named Lexi. She has a gentle disposition but is a very determined manner. Lexi speaks flawless pig, cat, mouse and hedgehog as well as a variety of dog dialects.

Penelope explained the situation to Lexi, telling her that we needed to find out where the food came from. Lexi was appalled and thought that humans had to be involved. She promised to call Penelope the next day after she had spoken with the guard.

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The next day Lexi said that she needed to meet with Penelope in person to tell her what the guard had said. Penelope wondered what could be so important that it couldn’t be told over the phone.

When she arrived at the restaurant, Penelope discovered that Lexi had two other German Shepherds with her. She hoped they were friendly. Three large dogs were a little intimidating.

The dogs patrolled inside the plant. The place was full of humans, but none of them had anything to do with making the food. The cans came in huge crates that the humans opened and put on conveyor belts. At the end of the belts were trucks that delivered the “Cat Power” and other foods to the stores.

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Penelope asked if they had any idea where the food came from. One of the dogs, Brutus, said that the crates were written in Shar-Pei. Brutus said that he hoped Shar-Pei’s were only clerks and not actually involved in poisoning anyone.

Penelope thanked Brutus and his friend. She bought dinner in appreciation. They said they had never met such a nice pig. Or any pig, for that matter.

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Later Lexi told Penelope that she had done further research on Shar-Pei’s and discovered that they specialize as guard dogs in Guangzhou, in southern China. She had also learned that there were two factories that made cat food in Guangzhou, both of them owned by the same company.

To be continued

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10

Davy Kitten, Superstar

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Davy Kitten fell asleep after his mother had read him several stories from his favorite book, 100 Cats Who Changed Civilization by Sam Stall. He began to dream about a beautiful cat. Her name was Colette. She told him that any cat as good-looking as he was should be a model. Davy blushed.

Colette told Davy to follow her. They went into a building and down a long hall. Davy was a little frightened. What if she was taking him to some big dogs who were going to eat him? He was afraid of dogs. Finally Colette slid through a crack into a large bright room.

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“Ah, Colette! You found me a model for my cat beds! He will be purrfect.” The man picked up Davy and cuddled him. Davy began to purr and rub his head against the man’s face.

“Now, little one, all you have to do is lay in my beds and pretend to sleep. I will take pictures. You will be famous! And so will my beds.” Davy curled up in several of them. Finally, the man was done.

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Davy went home with the man, whose name was Bob. Bob gave Davy good food and a nice warm bed. Shortly after, Bob showed him a magazine with Davy’s picture in it. Davy thought that he actually did look pretty good. He purred at Bob.

Bob’s phone rang. He talked for a few minutes. Then he told Davy, “You won’t believe it! That was Mon Cheri Cat Food. They want you to be their spokescat. What do you think about that?” Davy wasn’t sure; he didn’t know what a spokescat was. He didn’t speak human.

They went to the Mon Cheri offices. The studio was huge. There were all types of rooms for Davy to wander through. Finally they showed him the food they wanted him to sell. “Eww! That’s awful! I can’t eat that.”

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Bob picked up Davy. “You don’t have to really eat it. It’s all pretend. I’ll see if they have another flavor.” They put another bowl in front of Davy. That one was yummy. Davy ate it all as the people took the pictures.

The cat food ads were a huge success. Davy began to get fan mail. They took pictures of him, made him put his paw in something gooey and press it on the picture. His fans loved it.

Finally the cat food people decided that he needed to go on tour. Davy didn’t like to travel. Bob said he’d be right beside him, so Davy agreed to go. He had a big bus with his picture on the side. Bob made him a special bed for the trip. Davy thought it might not be so bad.

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At the first stop, they put a harness on Davy and took him out to meet his fans. Davy had never heard so much noise. And they all tried to touch him! Nobody had said anything about sticky fingers in his beautiful fur.

The fans adored him and the tour continued. In California, he was set up with a cameo in a movie. They gave him a bath in some kind of stinky soap and blew his coat dry. He looked in the mirror. He was a ball of fur. He went on the set. There were so many people. And they all wanted to touch him.

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Davy couldn’t take it anymore. He ran away from Bob and out the door. Outside there were more people who wanted to grab him. He couldn’t get away.

“Davy! Over here! Davy! Davy!

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Davy felt someone pushing him. He opened his eyes. It was Mama!

“Mama, I had the worst dream! There were humans everywhere and they all wanted to touch me. I couldn’t get away. I never want to be a famous cat. It was terrible!”

Mama snuggled Davy next to her and started to groom him. She decided to read about historical cats that night.

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28

Cat Forum Interview with Chloe and Charlie

Today we are here with Chloe and Charlie from Insights from the Edge  (We are not sure what it is the edge of; it must be a human thing.) It is written by their mom Amy. She does not write about cats, but it’s pretty interesting anyway. Apparently she writes for a living, so that’s probably why it’s pretty good. It would be better if she wrote about cats.

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Tell us a little bit about each of you.
Chloe: My lady told me other humans found me under a dumpster at three weeks old. I was the only girl. I had many brothers. One was blind. He was a good guy. The rest were annoying. I met my lady when I was eight weeks old. She ignored me, so I liked her. All the other humans who came were so annoying. They picked me up and tried to poke me. My human wouldn’t look at me. So don’t you know, I had some things to say to her. I climbed up her arm and stuck my nose in her nose and that was it. I told her she was to be my lady. That was that. And oh, yah, Charlie. Well, that first night the lady put me in the bathroom. I said, “Absolutely, no way, lady. You will take me out of here right this instance.” She did. Then I met Charlie and he was so dirty I had to start cleaning him right there. 
Charlie: All my brothers and sisters died in a flood. Well, there was one other, my last sister. We were together a few weeks, then my lady came and took me. I heard her tell her man that my sister was adopted by a little girl. On her fifth birthday my sister ran into the street and was hit by a car. I’m happy with my lady. But she left me alone a lot in the beginning and when she got back I let her know how unhappy I was. She brought home a few friends for me. They weren’t any fun. One hid under the cold thing where food comes from. She took them away. All I wanted to do was play. Why does everyone get so mad at me? 
When my lady brought Chloe I liked her a lot. She cleans me and sleeps with me and when she thinks I’m not looking she puts her legs around me in the winter. 
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How many humans do you have? Do you live with any other creatures?
Chloe: I have two humans, a lady and man, and one cat, an orange Charlie. After he goes, I’ve called a moratorium on pets. Charlie is just too much. He whines all the time, sleeps on my human when I want to, and doesn’t even have the decency to cover his number one or two. Also, he almost never cleans himself, which means I have to. Exhausting. 
Charlie: I have a lady and there’s a guy that lives here, and another cat. She’s not very nice all the time. I like it when it’s just my lady and me. She loves only me. She feeds me treats and everything. I like that because it is just like it was when I was a little boy, before everyone else. 
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Do you guys always get along or do you get hissy once in a while?
 Chloe: (heavy sigh) I guess he’s all right. He’s big and warm. I do enjoy sticking my paws under his belly where it’s especially soft. But that’s all. Sometimes he really makes me mad and we fight and he’s huge and I end up under the piano bench yelling at him to go away. 
Charlie: I love her and love to play. Then she gets really mad. I don’t know why. Then mom separates us. I don’t know why. But then she comes upstairs, where I am, and she sits by the door until mom lets me out. So I think she loves me too. 
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Do you have a favorite place to hang out?
Chloe: The couch
Charlie: Ditto
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It says that your Mom lives in LA. Is that a good place to be a cat?
Chloe: It’s not. We don’t get to go outside very much. Too many humans and dogs and loud scary monsters roaring and racing by. We have a nice porch outside, but I don’t spend much time there anymore. I did when I was young, but I’m tired now. I do occasionally. I like to smell the smells.
Charlie: I’d like to go outside and explore, but mom says no. We play inside with the red dot. One day I’ll catch it. I  have a little bird that makes a lot of noise, but I’d rather go outside. I get bored.
(We like cat TV. It varies at the different windows.)
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Do you get to eat trendy food?

Chloe: Oh, we do. Venison. I’ve made my human spare no expense. And the most expensive treats I could find. You get what you pay for, after all.

 

 

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What’s your favorite way to spend time with your human?
Chloe: I think I speak for both of us when I say, when she’s at home, on our couch and it’s just us. (except it’s annoying when she’s tapping away on that board of hers. I always let her know it’s time to stop. She should be sleeping, like any sane cat.)
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If each of you had one wish, what would it be?
Chloe: To be well. I’ve been sick all my life. Mommy holds me and walks me around and I like that. She makes it better a lot. She tries to know what to do. And I don’t ever want to go to that place where they poke me and stretch me and make me so scared. I don’t ever want to go there again. I want to feel good.
(We agree. Those people try to be nice, but they’re not. Have you tried catnip tea? If it doesn’t make you healthier, at least you’ll be happy.)
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Charlie: To be with Mommy, alone.
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4

Where’d Everyone Go?

(Kommando and Snoops woke up Monday morning starving as usual. Snoops went over and woke up Kommando.)

Snoops: Hey! Why isn’t there any food? Didn’t you wake up the humans? You know that’s your job. It’s already light outside.

Kommando: Bad news. Remember when they got in the car yesterday? They never came home. They aren’t anywhere in the house.

Snoops: Oh no!! I wonder if something happened to them? Who’s gonna feed us and take care of us? I am NOT going back to that shelter. They stuck me in a cage and all I could smell was dogs. And there is no Cat TV. And the food was awful!

Kommando: What about me? This was my only home. I was left at the side of the road.

Snoops: Don’t panic! It’s not a crisis yet. We still have dry food and water.

Kommando: I have a great idea!! We could use that computer thingy and order out.

Snoops: That is a great idea! And we can look for new humans too. When it gets cold again we’ll need someone to snuggle up against.

Kommando: OK, Snoops, you’re the one who spends all the time in here. What do we do first?

Snoops: Well, the first thing Dad does is push in that button. (points to “ON” switch).

Kommando: Oof (pushes with her whole body). Maybe it’s stuck. Mrrrrow! (Falls over as the computer turns on.)

(Hear somebody at the back door.)

Kommando: Run! That’s not our humans.

Male Voice: Here kitty, kitty. I’m here to feed you while your humans are out of town.

(Cats look at each other.)

Snoops: What do you think?

Kommando: Anyone could come in and say that. Maybe he wants to kidnap us and sell us to rogue Canadians to use as sled dog trainers.

(Snoops stares at Kommando.)

Kommando: What? It could be true.

(They hear a can of food being opened and sneak forward.)

Kommando: He doesn’t look too dangerous.

Snoops: Naw, I’ve seen him with the beta male. Just watch out for his feet.

Male: Oh there you two are! Here’s your food. I’ll change your water too.

Kommando: Should we trust him?

Snoops: I’m hungry! And he’s feeding us the right stuff. I’m eating.

(Runs over and starts to scarf down the food. Kommando sniffs her food and begins to eat.)

Kommando: Yumm! It’s our food. We won’t starve.

(They don’t notice the male leaving. The next day he appears about the same time. They greet him at the door, meowing.)

Male: Hi, cats! How’ve you been?

(Kommando rubs her head against his leg.)

Male: You’re so cute. No wonder your humans said they’d miss you while they were gone. They’ll be back in a couple of days.

(Snoops and Kommando look at each other. They wait until the male humans leaves.)

Snoops: They’re coming back! They’ll probably bring treats to make up for leaving us. I wonder where they went.

Kommando: Who cares? We should have a party to celebrate!

Snoops: Great idea! You send out the KittyChat, and I’ll check out what’s in the refrigerator and cupboards. Tell them to bring their own milk if they want it.

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(Later)

Snoops: Kommando, how many people did you send that KittyChat to?

Kommando: Just our mailing list.

Snoops: Then why did so many cats come?

Kommando: Ummm – Well, I did tell them they could bring a friend if they wanted. I wanted to make sure they knew they could bring their mates. And I did tell them it was going to be awesome because the humans were out of town.

Snoops: We don’t know a gang of alley cats. There aren’t any alleys around here.

Kommando: They said you were cage-mates at the shelter. At least everyone’s gone before the neighbors saw.

Snoops: This place looks awful. We need to clean it up.

Kommando: Why? Most of the damage is outside. We don’t go outside. They’ll think raccoons did it.

Snoops: What about the house?

Kommando: They didn’t clean before they left. They’ll just think we did the rest because we thought they deserted us.

Snoops: You’re smarter than you look. Let’s take a nap.

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