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Dear Tabby: Modern Advice for Today’s Cat

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Hello, dear readers. Once again we will dive into my trove of your questions to give guidance on today’s most vexing questions.

Dear Tabby – My human has been at home forever (it seems). She interrupted my naps with all her noise from working. I had been really looking forward to her return to work (whatever that means). Yesterday, I heard her tell someone that she was going to be working at home all the time! My routines are going to be permanently ruined and I’m never going to regain what’s I’ve lost missing my beauty sleep. What do I do? Sleepy Siamese

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Dear Sleepy – You have a serious problem there. I think that you need to find a fairly quiet spot and stake it out. Then make as much noise as you possibly can. Howl, knock things over, whatever it takes. Eventually she will shut the door and you can sleep in peace. If you do this for several days running, your problem will probably disappear.

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Dear Tabby – My human finally went back to work. While she was home, she rearranged all of the furniture in my hangout. (She calls it her office.) She moved my cat tree away from the window. I have missed two months of Cat TV. She says the light is better there, so her desk is where my tree should be. Now she says the move is permanent. What should I do? In the Dark

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Dear Dark – You must replace your cat tree with her desk. Claim a spot for yourself next to the window and spend as much time as you can in that space. If she tries to move you, turn on your “cat gravity” and make yourself extremely hard to move. If she tries to kick you out, howl until she gives in. Eventually you will find that your cat tree is next to the desk by the window, and Cat TV has returned.

Dear Tabby – I have been an only cat for two years. It’s been great. I had the humans wrapped around my paw. The other day they brought home a kitten. I couldn’t believe it. Now they’re all tied up with the intruder and aren’t paying nearly enough attention to me. What should I do? Suddenly Old

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Dear Old – You have to make friends with the kitten. Soon the two of you will be able to plot against the humans. If they get mad, the kitten can put on her “cute face” and all will be forgiven. Make sure that each of you bond with a different person. That way, there will never be agreement on who’s the “good kitty” and who’s the troublemaker. You never win a fight with a kitten, but you can make sure they grow up to be a real cat.

Dear Tabby – My human has taken away my never-ending supply of kibble because a relative told her I weighed too much. A relative, not my doctor! Now I get a tiny bowl, once a day. She’s trying to starve me to death, I know it. She also changed the brand. She says it’ll help me “maintain a healthy weight.” I am soo hungry. What should I do? Hungry John

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Dear Hungry – I see three options. The first is to catch additional food to eat. Most neighborhoods have a good-size supply of rodents. My favorite solution is to “share” with the humans while they’re not looking. You have to be fast, but you will get pawsome treats. If you can get the refrigerator open, you get to choose from the best of their food. Finally, you can make their lives miserable by moping and moaning until they get the hint. Hacking up a hairball after eating will add to the scene.

Keep the letters coming.

Toodles from Tabby

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