Rio Animal Olympics: Water Aerobics

August 6, 2016 | cat9984

(Google Images/Rebloggy.com)

I’m Les Sloth, and I’m here with the Canadian otters, winners of the 2016 gold medal in Water Aerobics. From the left, we have Terry (team captain), James, Ian, and Joseph.

Les: Congratulations! How does it feel to win the gold?

Terry: It’s amazing. We’ve been working so hard, and it’s great to get the gold for Canada.

Les: The competition did not work out the way many folks thought it would. It was supposed to be a four-way contest between the Canadians, Americans, Russians, and Chinese. What happened?

James: Well, it was kind of a fluke with the Americans. None of us knew that it was illegal to shave our country’s name into our fur. Once the first team was disqualified, they really didn’t have much of a chance.

Ian: And the Russians were pretty demoralized when their coach wasn’t allowed to leave Russia with them. Who knew that his wife’s grandmother’s second cousin was married to a Chechen?

Les: It’s incredible that both of those things would have happened the same year. But what about the Chinese?

Terry: We’d rather not talk about that.

Les: Why’s that?

Terry: Apparently, there was some sort of political situation. As athletes, we try not to get involved in those things.

Les: Can you tell me anything?

Ian: It appears that they were using some kind of top-secret training facilities that may not have been approved for the Animal Olympics. The Olympic Committee was looking into it right before the Games.

Les: Did they find anything?

Ian: There was enough of an issue that they issued a warning to the Chinese. Of course, the Chinese denied they had done anything wrong and blamed a Western conspiracy to eliminate the Chinese politically since they couldn’t do it in the water.

Les: Do they know what was happening at the secret facility?

Ian: Rumor has it that they were using some kind of hyper-oxygenated water to train. It’s supposed to help develop stronger lungs.

Terry: But there’s no proof that the Chinese were cheating.

Joseph: We do know that for some reason they didn’t understand that the competition was happening at a river here in the zoological park. They have been training for the past couple of months in an extremely polluted river outside Beijing. They thought it would give them an advantage over those of us training in the wild.

Les: That’s awful. It’s probably the reason they wanted stronger lungs.

James: Unfortunately, most of them picked up some kind of river sickness that has made them incredibly weak. A couple of the alternates even died.

Joseph: They were training with the rest of us, but they weren’t in the clean water long enough to make a difference.

Les: That definitely explains why Iceland and Norway showed so strongly.

Terry: They did perform very well. Iceland, in particular has shown immense growth in the last few years. We’re proud to have beaten them.

Les: So what are you planning to do to celebrate?

Terry: The Canadians have a party every night for all of their medal winners. You are welcome to come.

Les: Thank you very much. However, after the incident in the Big Cat room yesterday, I’ve decided to eat in my room.

James: Yes, it was very unfortunate that the capybara was mistaken for dinner. They never should have sent him in as a waiter for the 200-meter dash winners. They knew the room would be full of hungry cheetahs.

Les: Yes, that is true. I suppose it was appropriate to hold the administrators responsible rather than the cats.

Ian: We feel the same way. The only carnivores allowed tonight are those on Team Canada. It’s unfortunate, but the cats understand. They really feel terrible about what happened.

Joseph: They are collecting money for the poor fellow’s family.

Les: That’s showing the true Olympic spirit. Otters, thank you so much for stopping by. And congratulations once again.

(Google Images/Wikimedia)

Newsflash: IAOC Bans Tigers

July 22, 2016 | cat9984

(Google Images/Pinterest)

Dateline: July 22, 2016

Irkutsk, Siberia – Rumors have been running rampant that the International Animal Olympics Committee (IAOC) was investigating the Siberian Tiger swim team. Those rumors were verified today when Ferdinand Fox, President of the IAOC, issued the following statement:

“After months of testing and research, the IAOC has determined that the Siberian Tiger swim team has consistently shown inappropriately high levels of testosterone. The guidelines for the Animal Olympics are very specific, and the Siberians have not met the requirements. Unfortunately, we have no choice but to ban the team from the 2016 Animal Olympics.

“We did not make this decision lightly. We know that the Siberian Tigers have always been an important part of the swimming competition. However, we must abide by the guidelines. The integrity of the Games is more important than any one team.”

The sports world’s reaction was mainly surprise. Given the strength of the Siberian team, no one thought the IAOC would have the fortitude to penalize the team. The Siberian Olympic management issued a competing statement:

“The charges are ridiculous. Our swimmers are the strongest tigers in the world. Of course they have high levels of testosterone. We would never inject them with additional hormones. The meat we use comes straight from Moscow and is guarded to prevent adulteration.

“We do not plan to challenge this ban. After training in the pure waters of Siberia, the filthy water in the Olympic venue would probably make the team sick anyway. We feel that we are being singled out unfairly because of our strength. These charges are based on groundless rumors started by the Americans and Bengal Tigers because they have never been competitive against our superior training and strength.”

There was no immediate comment from the Americans or Bengalis.

We have not been able to verify reports that the athletes have threatened to eat the members of the IAOC who voted for the ban. There has been a lot of growling around the camp, but the tigers are forbidden to speak with the media.

This ruling will not impact past medals that the Siberians have won. Because of the lifespans of some of the Olympic participants (e.g., mice, some fish species), the IAOC has determined that awards will stand once they have been presented.

Reported by Ricky T. Tavi (Google Images/Reddit)

Animal Crackers

May 26, 2016 | cat9984

A jilted, angry young man named Brian

Searched afar for a world-famous lion.

He hoped the hungry beast

On his girlfriend would feast.

“He’s really tasty,” slurped the young scion.

A lovesick beaver built a great dam

To win the heart of his true love Pam.

Dad wasn’t impressed.

“Get rid of that pest.”

So the beaver, with Pam, had to scram.

Watching a cat sleep in a sunbeam,

Who can doubt that she really does dream?

She’s ruling the world,

Or on a lap curled.

Or nibbling a mouse dipped in some cream.

A big announcement was due at the zoo.

The exact details no one really knew.

The secret was kept

From all by the vet.

Of the birth of the first caribou-gnu.

(perfect couple)

Bison and buffalo, what do you think?

He asked his friend as they went for a drink.

She said we can’t mate

When I asked for a date.

It’s not like I’m an Australian skink!

(imperfect couple)

You don’t look like a great ape to me.

Why, you can’t even swing from a tree!

You can blame my school

They thought it quite cruel.

We might damage a branch, don’t you see?

(all images courtesy of Google Images)

A Picture is Worth Ten (or so) Words

March 17, 2016 | cat9984

Hello Humans (and Others) –

Snoops and Kommando here. Mom has been having a lot of trouble with her hands because of the carpal tunnel. We can’t find it on a map, so don’t bother asking. We thought that we would help out. We know what short attention spans humans have, and we didn’t want you to forget about us. (We know we’re more popular than she is.)

Anyway, this typing thing is a lot of work with paws, so we wanted to have as few words as possible. We noticed that several of the cats on WordPress use pictures with words. Some of the cats call them memes. Probably don’t understand that it should be spelled me-me so that everyone knows it’s about cats.

We decided that we are as clever as those cats. (Some of them must be written by humans because they’re not really funny.) So we have written our own captions.

All of the pictures are from Cheezburger. Don’t bother going there looking for ground meat – the title is very misleading.

“I’m not letting him out until he tells me where he hid the catnip.”

“Maybe Fluffy has forgiven me by now and will let me back into the house.”

“I wish they’d get me takeout more often.”

“If she’d just let me go for a minute, I bet I could get all the dogs barking at once.”

“I said, no pictures!”

“Maybe it’s time to think about getting glasses.”

“You didn’t tell me it was cold and sticky!”

We hope you liked our pictures. If we do this again, we’re going to use the me-mes. All this thinking is too much work.

A Mouse in Every Pot and a Cat in Every Bed*

February 5, 2016 | cat9984

*The similarity of this slogan to Herbert Hoover’s 1928 presidential campaign slogan is completely intentional. However, it does not mean that Mr. Hoover endorses any of the candidates below. Unfortunately Mr. Hoover died in 1964 and is unable to make such a declaration.

Here at Cheeseland we have been discussing the U.S. Presidential election a lot while trying to ignore the candidates as much as we can. It has become painfully clear that none of the candidates has a strong pro-cat stand (or any other animal, for that matter). In fact, we are unable to find a reference to cats anywhere in the published speeches.

Finally, someone suggested that we would have to put forward our own candidates. Both Super Snoops and Kommando Kitty quickly stepped back and said that they were much too smart to want to be President. So the search was on.

We were a little concerned about sending our mice editors George and Lenny out to find strong candidates. We didn’t want them eaten by interest groups or action committees. They did a fine job.

Below are our potential choices:

Name: Charles Scruffikan

Hometown: Detroit, MI

Current Job: Mouse Patrol

Strength: Not easily intimidated

Name: Edward “Biff” Kellingham III

Hometown: Braintree, MA

Current Job: Inspector at family mattress company

Strength: Calm under pressure

Name: Creamsicle

Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

Current Job: Yoga Instructor

Strength: Fast on her feet

Name: Jaime Tiggs

Hometown: Washington, DC

Current Job: Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife

Strength: Experience working with Congress

We are currently in negotiations for a debate between the candidates. You may forward any questions here. Please – nothing about technology.

Slothly Ruminations on Human Behavior – Part Two

January 10, 2016 | cat9984

Image result for sloths Les Sloth, Guest Contributor

Conventions are very strange things. For example, they are very boring. At least this one is. The beautiful, talented people are actually competing against each other. But they don’t talk to each other or fight. It’s not like those people on TV who are competing to be President; whatever that it. I guess those people are not beautiful and talented.

Mainly we have been sitting in a room and watching people walk and talk. Everyone is dressed very nicely. I wonder what they do with all of those nice clothes when they are home. Particularly some of the people on the runway. I have never seen Cat or B in anything like that.

B only walked one time. I thought she was very pretty. She was wearing jeans and looked really normal compared to some of the other people I saw. I guess she did OK. She didn’t fall in front of everyone and that was important she said.

She talked a lot though. A few times she sounded like she was trying to sell things to the other people. The other times she just sounded like she was just rambling about something. She sounded most normal then. She sang one time too.

There were a few people who watched and wrote things down. Some of the other beautiful, talented people watched too. The people B knew all watched each other. They told each other how great they were. The people who wrote things down never told anyone they were great. They didn’t smile at anyone either.

I think Cat will be very happy with the job that C has done. B has not been crazy at all the entire trip. C does interesting things during the day while B watches people walk and talk. I think she has actually been outside the building.

I think I have done a good job too. No strange people have come near except the ones she wants to talk to. The other night the lady with the black hair who is in charge of B’s group lost her phone. While they we looking for the phone, one of the guys had his wallet stolen. That wouldn’t have happened if he had a sloth bodyguard.

The PR part is working too. Already a couple of people have asked for B’s picture and wanted a private audition. It’s a good thing that they wanted pictures. The lady with the black hair wanted B to take at least 50 or 60 pictures with her. She also had to take resumes. They took up a lot of space in her bag. So did the clothes and shoes, but I don’t think she’s supposed to give those to anyone.

The only things left to do are callbacks and the awards dinner. I’m not really sure what a callback is. B says they don’t have anything to do with phones or people calling out her name. I don’t know what kind of awards they are giving out. I really hope they only talk after we eat. I think they will have a salad so I can eat too. Then I can sleep while they talk.

We are going home the day after that. I have to lay on one of those machines again so they can make sure I’m not going to blow up the plane. I hope Cat is there to meet us. This trip has been the longest six days of my life.

Slothly Ruminations on Human Behavior

January 7, 2016 | cat9984

Image result for sloths Les Sloth, Guest Contributor

I really didn’t have to ruminate much to come to my conclusion:

Humans are crazy!

Cat assigned me to accompany B to Los Angeles for her modeling/talent convention. I joined her and her friend C while they finished packing for the trip. I don’t think C was going there to be beautiful; I think she was supposed to keep B from being crazy while she was being beautiful. I hope Cat’s paying her more than she’s paying me.

Apparently it takes a lot of stuff to be beautiful and talented. B had two overflowing suitcases before C arrived. C helped her repack so all that stuff fit. Unfortunately, B still had a lot of stuff. Fortunately, it doesn’t take as much stuff to prevent craziness so C could share some of her space.

Cat drove us to the airport in the dark. We had to get in a line where all the humans had to take off their shoes. Humans have ugly feet – no fur or claws. They made me lie down on a belt that went through a big box. B said they were looking for explosives. Why would I eat explosives? I’m a vegetarian.

The plane ride was awful. The airplane people said that animals ride under the seat. They also said that I really should be in a cage in cargo. I showed them my ticket. They finally said that I could have the seat but that if I made a mess on the seat I had to leave. Can you believe that?! People can be so rude.

We finally got to the LA airport. I was really sorry I’m not an insectivore. There were a lot of big black beetles on the floor. B carried me. She said it was too dirty for me to walk and that someone might step on me.

We had to wait for the luggage. That’s a really scary place. There were a lot of people pushing each other trying to get their stuff. I think I would have left some of that stuff there and bought something better looking. C was really good at making sure no one got our stuff. That probably helped B not be crazy.

We got to the hotel pretty quickly. I think everyone in LA must be late getting somewhere. All they do is run around.

After we got there, B had a message that she had to go to a meeting. Of course, I went with her. There were four people there besides B. A lady with black hair was really excited and told them everything that they needed to do. The lady seemed pretty stressed out and was making B and her friends annoyed. Luckily, the lady didn’t have a problem with me being there so B didn’t get really upset.

B had to go to some kind of singing practice. I don’t know how humans are supposed to sound when they sing, but they didn’t sound anything at all like the songbirds where I come from. I guess B did OK. No one threw anything at her or walked out.

The last thing she did was to put on a lot of makeup and have someone take pictures of her. I think that went pretty well. I don’t understand why all of the pretty girls there had to put stuff on their faces to have their pictures taken. Sloths look good the way we are. And none of them looked as good as a lady sloth when they were done.

That was the end of the stuff B had to do on the first day. She went to eat with her friends. I went back to the room to try and figure out whether the people were having a good time there or not. I fell asleep before I could decide.

More to come.

Annual Cheeseland Staff Meeting

January 6, 2016 | cat9984

Once a year all, the reporters for Adventures in Cheeseland get together to describe major projects they are working on for the next year. George and Lenny are responsible for herding the cats (so to speak).

Image result for two mice Google Images

George: Happy New Year everyone! Thanks for taking the time to come to Michigan for this meeting. Cat has a few things that she would like us to mention at the beginning of this meeting.

Lenny: First, we have to commit to having something to publish once a week.

(Under his breath: that’s her fault not ours. General snickers. George takes over.)

George: And our readership seems to be trending a little intellectual. She want us to get a little more mainstream.

mehitabel: Not gonna happen.

Ahab: Not with me. I didn’t sign on to be dumbed down.

Google Images

(Agreement around the table.)

George: Cat thought that might be your response. So she hired a freelancer for our first attempt. I’d like you to meet Les Sloth. He is going to the convention with Cat’s daughter to get a first-hand view of modeling competitions. (Groans all around.) He’s posing as her bodyguard and PR rep. If it works out, he’ll be a regular contributor.

Image result for sloths Google Images

(Les looks around and gently smiles at everyone.)

Ahab: No disrespect Les, but how are you going to guard B? Aren’t sloths rather (searches for correct word)

Les: Yes we are slow. But we are also very cute and that tends to disarm people. While they are looking at me, I have a buzzer to B’s traveling companion who works as B’s wing person. She will be able to talk to people and explain that B is there for work, not socialization.

Ahab: That actually might work. Welcome to Cheeseland.

(The others welcome him as well.)

Ricky T. Tavi: So what are you calling your piece?

Google Images

Les: Cat and I agreed on “Slothly Ruminations on Human Behavior.”

archy (snickering): That title should draw in the Twitter crowd.

Google Images

George: If that’s what Cat wants, that’s the title.

archy: It wasn’t a reflection on you, Les. You seem like a nice guy.

(Les smiles at him.)

George: So what else is happening this year?

mehitabel: We’re looking into adulteration at a cheese-puff factory. They may actually be putting cheese into some of their products.

“Ace” Sopp: I am looking into a secret group of sub-Saharan animals who are putting together a peace-keeping group to try to help their northern human neighbors.

Google Images

Ricky T. Tavi: Unfortunately it appears that there may be some doping on the Bengal Tiger surf team. Since Ahab is the head of the commission for the summer games, we are working together to try to prevent a scandal.

Ahab: Unfortunately, we are finding evidence that the problem may be more wide-spread than we first thought. The human surfing social habits are spreading to the animals.

H. Chris Andersen: I am looking into the beginnings of socialized medicine for animals, particularly in Scandinavia. We are hoping to avoid some of the start-up glitches the humans have experienced. For example, most animals can’t wait several months for tests and surgery.

George: I assume we will be sending someone to the human Olympics this summer?

Ace: Ricky and I drew the short straws because we live in hot climates. I hate dealing with humans. They always act so condescending.

Ricky: Like they’re better than we are. Les, you’re welcome to join us. It’s in your neighborhood and you’re studying humans right now.

Les: I would like that.

George: Great! It looks like we have a good start to the year. Remember to keep us updated on what you’re doing. Don’t forget about the time the Tasmanian devil almost bankrupt us trying to recreate a typhoon.

(They all laugh and adjourn to the dining room.)

What Do You Bring to an Inter-Species Potluck?

November 24, 2015 | cat9984

Like most other offices, “Adventures in Cheeseland” has a holiday party between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Probably the only difference between ours and yours is that being inter-species, we don’t allow meat. It would definitely ruin the ambience if someone saw a friend/family member in the stew.

Being in charge means that Lenny and George (they are the mice in the header) need to make sure that everything runs smoothly. They are looking at the sign-up sheet to see what else is needed.

George: It looks like almost everyone is bringing something.

Lenny: Oh, no! Sigmund Squirrel has signed up to bring acorn squash again. It’s your turn to tell him that smashed up acorns are different than acorn squash.

George: Fine. But you tell Hortense Hen that it creeps out people when she brings in deviled eggs. Everyone knows where they come from.

Lenny: Eww! I forgot about that.

George: It appears that Snoops and Kommando are getting together to make catnip brownies. Do you think that’s appropriate for an office party?

Lenny: If you think it’s a problem, you tell them. They scare me.

George: They’re harmless. Cat won’t let them near us.

Lenny: Don’t you remember what happened last year at the party? Snoops threatened to make me the main dish!

George: I’d forgotten all about it. Well, you did make her pretty mad.

Lenny: I thought she’d like me bringing kitty kibble.

George: You brought kitty kibble from her secret stash.

Lenny: How was I supposed to know that?

George: It was behind the kitty bed in Cat’s office.

Lenny: Oh, yeah. I told you we should have gone in together and gotten pumpkin spice ice cream and pumpkin spice coffee.

George: Most of the staff doesn’t like pumpkin.

Lenny: But it was a great sale!

George: So do you have any ideas for this year?

Lenny: I think so. What are you bringing?

George: Well, I was going to bring a cheeseball. But when I bought one last year, the kids ate out the core. They didn’t think I’d miss it. So I’m thinking almond cookies. I can go down the street to the Chinese restaurant to get them. That way, the kids won’t even see them.

Lenny: That’s a great idea! Almost everyone likes almonds or cookies.

George: So what’s your idea?

Lenny: I was thinking hot chocolate. Well, not really hot chocolate because it’s served cold.

George: So you’re bringing cold hot chocolate?

Lenny: Yeah. I found it in an old book. It think it might be someone’s family recipe. Do you want to try some? I made a test batch and brought it in.

George: Sure! I love chocolate!

(They go to Lenny’s office and close the door. Lenny brings out a pitcher and two small glasses. He pours a brownish liquid into both glasses. George sniffs and wrinkles his whiskers.)

George: This smell kinda weird, Len. Are you sure you made it right?

Lenny: I followed the recipe exactly.

George: Okay. Well, here we go.

(George takes a large mouthful, turns green, and spits it back in the glass.)

Lenny: What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?

George: That is the worst cold hot chocolate I have ever tasted. Let me see that recipe.

(Lenny pulls out the recipe and gives it to George.)

Lenny: See, it says it was put together by some doctor in Spain in 1631.

George: It says “Take one hundred cocoa beans, two chilies, a handful of anise seed and two of vanilla (two pulverized Alexandria roses can be substituted), two drams of cinnamon, one dozen almonds and the same amount of hazelnuts, half a pound of white sugar and enough annatto to give some color.”

Lenny: Yeah, it didn’t say what kind of chilies, so I asked the guy to give me a couple of hot ones. And I told you it wasn’t served hot.

George: Did you try this?

Lenny: No. The smell made me sick.

George: And you want to serve this at our party?

Lenny: I said it was an idea.

George: It’s a terrible idea.

Lenny: OK. What do you think I should bring?

George: We still need napkins and paper plates.

References:

http://www.thenibble.com/reviews/main/chocolate/the-history-of-chocolate.asp

http://albanykid.com/2011/12/11/hot-chocolate-hot-cocoa-and-xocoatl/

If Everyone Loves Dragons, Why Don’t They Love Me?

October 3, 2015 | cat9984

Ricky T. Tavi, our Asian correspondent, received a telephone call from Kommodo Island requesting a meeting. Ricky was ready to go when we had to cancel the interview. Apparently our insurance doesn’t cover meetings between subjects and their known prey. Since we do not employ anyone who is not the known prey of a Kommodo Dragon, we had to do the interview via Skype. Below is the transcript.

(Google Images)

Ricky: Good morning. Uh, before we get started would you please remove whatever is between your teeth?

Dragon: Huh? (Looks in mirror and pulls a foot from his mouth.) Sorry.

Ricky: So Mr. Dragon, what would you like to talk about today?

Dragon: Please call me Sal.

Ricky: Sal?

Dragon: No one can pronounce my real name (unintelligible series of hisses), so I go with Sal. I invited you here in hopes that you can help rehabilitate the image of the Kommodo Dragon.

Ricky: What did you have in mind?

Sal: For starters, we would like to be invited to join the Universal Federation of Quadrupeds (UFQ). We are the only major group of reptiles who are not members.

Ricky: I believe that may be due to your delegate eating his translator the last time you were invited.

Sal: That was a simple mistake anyone could have made.

Ricky: Well, you know the humans still have a lot of clout since there are so many of them. And the humans are afraid of you.

Sal: I really don’t understand why.

Ricky: Well, they can’t get over the time one of you sat outside the villager’s hut and waited for him to open the door. As soon as the door was opened, he ate the villager.

Sal: That’s one dragon! Humans are so stupid! They think we’re all evil because of one bad event.

Ricky: Well, you do dig up a lot of the dead people and eat them.

Sal: What difference does that make? It’s not like we killed them.

Ricky: Rumor has it that your mouths are full of bacteria that kills your prey even if you can’t eat them immediately.

Sal: That’s what I mean! Those are just vicious rumors that everyone wants to believe.

Ricky: So tell the world the truth.

Sal: We have venom, not nasty bacteria in our mouths.

Ricky: Most of us don’t really see venom as preferable to bacteria. Is it mild?

Sal: Of course not. We dragons are good at what we do. Our venom causes paralysis, extreme blood loss, inadequate clotting, tissue damage, and excruciating pain. What good is venom if it doesn’t get you something to eat?

Ricky: Let’s go in a different direction. What would you like to identify as the positive traits of your community?

Sal: Our children are really smart. They know to cover themselves in feces so the adults don’t eat them. Your children probably aren’t that smart.

Ricky: I believe you’re right. I don’t know of a mongoose child covering itself in feces.

Sal: Not only that. The children are smart enough to climb trees to keep from being eaten. We adults are too big to climb the trees.

Ricky: What else would you like to highlight about the dragons?

Sal: Our females can reproduce without a male. That’s something none of the rest of you can do.

Ricky: That is impressive.

Sal: And we love to swim. Maybe you could write a story about our swimming skills.

Ricky: You’re right; that might be a good angle. Let everyone know there’s another side to you.

Sal: Yes. We are more athletic than anyone knows. We can run up to 11 mph.

Ricky: Let me look into it. Maybe I can get a crew together and at least make a video for YouTube. With a little luck, it’ll go viral and you’ll get a chance to show the world a different side of you.

Sal: That’s great! I just have one piece of advice for you when you come.

Ricky: What’s that?

Sal: Don’t forget the extra feces.

If you think the dragon is crazy, look here:

http://listverse.com/2014/07/28/10-weird-facts-about-the-deadly-komodo-dragon/

http://mentalfloss.com/article/63058/10-amazing-facts-about-komodo-dragons

http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/reptiles/komodo-dragon/