Tag Archives: woods

14

AIU: Hibernation Havoc

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Alaska Magazine | A sloth of bears, and other inventive names for Alaska wildlife

The poster has written to the Am I Unbearable (AIU) forum to get some feedback on an issue he is having with his brother-in-law regarding sleeping arrangements for the upcoming hibernation season.

My darling partner Pamela (7f) and I (8m) have been together for several years. We are both successful in our careers. I am the spokes-bear for our local park system and Pamela is a technology whiz who works from home. We are the proud parents of two cubs, one of whom is still at home.

Grizzly bear photographed roaming near downtown Quesnel, B.C. | CBC News

A little background: I come from a very progressive family. We were early adopters of the movement to get bears out of the woods and into structured society. My grandfather was the first bear on the city council. He worked tirelessly to make our home town into a place where all animals could live together in peace.

Cuteness overload: brown bear cubs becoming best buds

I met Pamela during a sit-in protesting the use of “bear spray” by the police department. She was the most beautiful bear I had ever seen. She is a wondrous creature, gentle and soft-spoken. And really smart. I fell in love almost immediately, and we’ve been together ever since.

Pamela’s family still lives in the woods. They are very nice bears, just not interested in anything outside of their own world.

Hibernating bats have similar metabolism to that of hibernating bears

As you probably know, when bears become part of the “civilized” world, we lose some of our “bearness.” Most importantly to this issue is that we don’t do a full hibernation anymore. Because we don’t live outside, our bodies aren’t fully synced with the seasons. It’s more of a grogginess than a full sleep.

A Bedtime Story: How Nature and Nurture Help Grizzly Bears Hibernate | The Maryland Zoo

Pamela’s younger brother Dave has been saying that he really wants to try doing a “semi hibernation.” I’ve explained that he doesn’t really understand what happens. He can’t just choose to not hibernate. He’s lived deep in the woods his whole life.

I didn’t know anything else, so I actually find it kind of weird that Pamela’s family disappears for five to six months every year. The first couple of years, she really struggled with the change. I don’t think Dave has any idea what he’s trying to do.

Angry Bear Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

Here’s where I might be Unbearable. Dave has asked to live with us for the winter. In fact, he wants to move in by the end of the month. He says that living with artificial light will make it easier to not fall into a deep sleep. I told him that I really didn’t want him to use our house as an experiment. Bears can get pretty unpleasant when they don’t get enough sleep.

🔥 This bear has reached peak boredom : r/NatureIsFuckingLit

Pamela said that I should have talked it over with her before I told Dave that he wasn’t welcome. She thinks I’m a hypocrite for saying that I want bears to integrate more into the general population, but when her brother wants to try it I won’t help him. I don’t think Dave wants to integrate; I think he just wants to try something different.

1,000 Kilometers from the Coast, Bears Gorge on Ocean Fish | Hakai Magazine

We don’t eat as heavily in the fall as bears who do a full hibernation. Dave’s been power eating for the past month and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down. I’m not sure he’s going to be able to find enough to eat in town. We have a good pantry, but not enough for a full-grown male bears in hibernation prep.

Bears in the woods

Pamela’s family think that I don’t want Dave here because I look down on “woods bears.” They are saying that if I really think of them as family, I won’t mind having him stay here all winter. I’m more concerned with having a 400-pound grumpy male bear who isn’t getting enough sleep.

So, I’m asking your opinion. Am I Unbearable?

Final Frame: Brown Bear Greeting

Next week – see what the readers think.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

19

The Kittens’ Woodland Adventure – Conclusion

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Our story so far: Timmy and Tommy had gone on a trip to the woods with their Kitten Scout troop. They became separated from the troop and it began to rain. They decided to wait out the rain in the woods. They were awakened by a pup who wanted to play. When the pup’s mother came to get him, they discovered they had been playing with a baby wolf. To read the entire story, go here.

Mama Wolf: Stevie! I was wondering what happened to you. You shouldn’t run away like that. (Sees the kittens.) Oh! You were hunting! Good wolfie!

(Timmy and Tommy look at each other, terrified.)

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Stevie: Mama! I wasn’t hunting. These are my friends, Timmy and Tommy. They were staying here until the rain ended. We’ve been playing.

Mama Wolf: Sweetie, you’re a wolf. You don’t play with kittens. They’re prey.

Stevie: Not these ones. They’re my friends.

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Mama Wolf: Honey, they can’t be your friends. They’re kittens.

Stevie (starting to cry): Mama! I can’t eat them. I asked them to play. We’ve been having a lot of fun.

Mama Wolf didn’t know what to do. The kittens looked tasty. But Stevie had made friends with them. It didn’t seem right to eat his friends. And they were pretty cute.

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Meanwhile, Mr. Moggie had called Timmy and Tommy’s mother. She was frantic with worry. She wanted to go into the woods to look for her babies. It was almost night, and they wouldn’t know what to do by themselves.

Mr. Moggie reminded her that she didn’t have any idea where her kittens were and that she wouldn’t be safe wandering around alone either. She began to hiss at him, reminding him that she had trusted him with her kittens and now they were lost.

She sat at the edge of the woods and refused to move. Mr. Moggie sat next to her. It seemed the least he could do.

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Finally Mama Wolf decided that it was more important that Stevie keep his word to his friends than to teach him about appropriate friends.

Mama Wolf: All right, Stevie. We’ll take care of your friends tonight. We can’t go out of the woods at night because someone might shoot us. And it’s not safe to send them out by themselves.

Stevie: Thank you, Mama. I swear I’ll only play with wolves from now on.

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(Stevie went over to the kittens, who had been too terrified to move.)

Stevie: Did you hear that guys? Mama’s going to keep you safe tonight. And we’ll get you home tomorrow.

Timmy (nervously): That’s great, Stevie. Are you sure she won’t eat us?

Stevie: Don’t worry. Wolves are very loyal. If we say we won’t eat you, we won’t.

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Mama Wolf found a concealed place to lie down. She hoped none of the other wolves had seen her. Stevie and the kittens curled up in her tail and were soon fast asleep.

In the morning, Mama Wolf took the kittens to the edge of the woods closest to their home. She stayed back in the shadows.

Mama Wolf: OK, here we are. Please don’t tell anyone about what happened last night. Kittens aren’t safe in the woods.

Timmy and Tommy nodded. They thanked her and Stevie for protecting them. The wolves ran back into the forest, and the kittens ran out of it.

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Mama Cat ran over to Timmy and Tommy. She sniffed them to make sure they were OK. Aside from a strange scent, everything seemed fine.

Mama Cat: My babies! Are you all right? How did you manage in the woods by yourselves all night? I was so worried.

Timmy: We’re fine, Mama. We found a nice safe spot to spend the night. We didn’t wake up until the sun came out.

Mama Cat: You both need a bath. You smell like some kind of wild animal.

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Tommy (looking at Timmy): Well, it was a really good spot. A lot of other animals probably slept there too.

Mama Cat: I’m just glad you’re back home and safe. And next time, I’m going to be one of the mothers on the trip.

The kittens looked at each other and groaned.

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

 

12

 The Kittens’ Woodland Experience

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Brothers Timmy and Tommy were very excited. Their Kitten Scout troop was taking a trip to the woods nearby. They had never been there and were hoping to see bears and wolves and all kinds of wild animals. Their mother tried to explain that they might see raccoons or squirrels, but that their leader would keep them away from anything dangerous.

They were up at dawn on the day of the trip. Oh no! It was raining. A lot. They were afraid the trip was canceled. Sure enough, their mother got a call from the scout master. But the trip wasn’t canceled; it was postponed until the afternoon when the weather was going to be better.

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There were ten kittens on the trip as well as the leader and two mothers. Each mother was responsible for five kittens. Timmy and Tommy were really glad that their mother hadn’t called in time to be one of the chaperones. She would have spent the whole time watching them. It would have been too embarrassing.

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The leader’s name was Mr. Moggie. He was a nice cat, but very easily confused. The kittens liked him because he usually let them do whatever they wanted while he was trying to get organized. Luckily, he was required to bring extra adults along on a trip like this.

When they got to the woods, Mr. Moggie told them to practice their “quiet walking” so the other animals wouldn’t be afraid of them. Being cats, walking quietly should have been natural; as kittens, it was impossible. He didn’t have much luck stopping their chatter either.

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Finally Mr. Moggie decided that he would teach the kittens about the different kinds of scents they could find in the forest. That sounded like fun to the kittens. They gathered around a tree and sniffed. The kittens guessed that it was a dog. Mr. Moggie told them that the scent belonged to a fox.

Next he took them to a pile of droppings. The kittens thought it was disgusting to have to go near it and sniff. They decided that it was some kind of big cat. It was a raccoon. As they went on, the kittens got better at identifying squirrels, rabbits, and woodchucks.

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But after a while they were bored. Mr. Moggie wasn’t sure what to do next. He had planned to show them how to fish in the creek and how to find shelter, but couldn’t decide. He wanted to talk to the mothers about it.

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He told the kittens to play close by while they discussed what would happen next. The kittens ran and chased each other around. Timmy was chasing Tommy when they realized that they had run away from the rest of the group. They headed back when it started to rain again.

As soon as it started to rain, Mr. Moggie told everyone to run out of the woods so they could go home. They raced through the trees. When they got out, Mr. Moggie did a tail count. There were only eight kittens! Timmy and Tommy were still in the forest.

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He panicked. What was he going to tell their mother? Should he go back in and try to find them? Should he take the other kittens home first? Could the lost kittens hear his voice if he yowled?

Meanwhile, Timmy and Tommy found a dry spot to wait out the storm. They weren’t going anywhere until it dried out. Soon they were fast asleep.

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The next thing he knew, Timmy felt a wet nose on his fur. He looked up and saw a huge dog! He started crying and woke his brother. They waited to be eaten.

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The “dog” looked at them in amazement. He had never seen kittens before. He wanted to play. The kittens weren’t sure, but he insisted. They romped around until the kittens were exhausted.

Finally, the “dog’s” mother came looking for him. When the kittens saw her, they were terrified. They hadn’t been playing with a dog. He was a wolf pup.

 

To be continued

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

18

A Kitten of Great Price – Conclusion

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By archy cockroach and mehitabel cat, City Desk

You can read Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

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We saw a long building with three pens attached. In the first one, there were probably 8 adult cats, male and female. The second pen had pregnant females, and the third had nursing mothers with kittens. They had access to the building for shelter, but couldn’t roam free.

mehitabel immediately went up to the first pen and started talking to the cats. He noticed that they were all beautiful long-hairs. Strangely enough, the males all appeared to be Angora and the females were Himalayan. Five were female and three were male.

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mehitabel: We’re reporters from the Cheeseland News. We heard that humans were holding some cats captive out here against their will. Can you tell us what’s going on?

Tom 1: That’s right. They’re breeding us and then selling our kittens. These are lovely ladies and don’t deserve to be treated this way.

Female 1: Thank you Thomas. That’s very kind of you. But all of the adult cats were stolen from their homes and brought here, even the males.

mehitabel: How long as this been going on?

Female 2: Well, let’s see. The first batch of kittens were taken to be Christmas presents, they said. So that would be about six months.

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archy: That’s awful! Are they still stealing cats?

Female 2: No, we’re the last.

Tom 2: They said they were done after each of these ladies had two litters. They thought they’d have enough money by then.

Female 3: And they’re afraid of getting caught.

mehitabel: So each female is let go after having two litters?

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Female 1: They said they want a variety of kittens.

Tom 1: But not too varied. So everyone’s an Angora-Himalayan mix. They think the kittens look exotic enough to be sold as purebred.

mehitabel: So what happens after a female has two litters?

(The cats look at each other.)

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Tom 3: We don’t really know. They say the humans release them at the edge of the woods. Of course, none of them would ever come back here, so we don’t really know. You might want to talk to some of the females with kittens. They probably know more.

mehitabel: Thank you for your time. And try not to worry.

We continued to the next pen. There were three pregnant females in that one.

mehitabel: Hello ladies. We’re from the Cheeseland News and we’re trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on here. How long have you been captive?

Female 6: Almost three months. This is my second litter. They’re going to release me after my kittens are weaned.

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mehitabel: Do you know where they are going to release you?

(She motions with her head to the woods.)

mehitabel: Is that where you live?

Female 6: No. I have no idea how to get home from here. I hope someone in the woods can help me. Or maybe I can find some of the other cats from here. We’re all going to be out soon.

(She motioned to the others in her pen and the nursing mothers. Then she started to cry. mehitabel tried to comfort her before moving on to the final pen where two nursing mothers were laying. Once again he introduced us.)

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Mother 1: Can you help us? They’re going to take my babies away next week, and I’ll never see them again. And then they’re going to throw me in the woods. I’ll probably get eaten by something. I’ve never been in the woods before.

(She finally caught her breath. We looked at each other.)

Mehitabel: Ma’am, we’re on our way to do just that.

We ran to the house. Fortunately it was still night, and the men were asleep (very noisily.) Our luck held, and we found a computer. mehitabel quickly sent a message to George and Lenny (our editors). As quickly as possible given that he had to use two paws.

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We raced out of house to try and find our own way home.

 

Follow-Up

George immediately called the local police and told them what was going on with the cats. By morning, the police were at the farm with people from the local shelter. The men were arrested and are in jail. They have to pay back all the people they cheated when  they sold them mixed breed cats as purebred.

It turned out that the humans who had adopted the kittens had already fallen in love with them and had no interest in turning them over to shelters. The kittens were equally happy with their homes and wanted to stay. The humans know that they will be waiting a long time for their money, but are happy the scammers were caught.

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The shelter took in the pregnant females and nursing mothers to make sure everyone was healthy and safe. They weren’t sure what to do with the adults. No one knew how to get home. Finally the cats agreed to be matched with humans, but only if they had the right of refusal on the human.

The shelter wasn’t sure how easy it would be to find homes for 8 adult cats who were rather grumpy after being penned up. But they took pictures and put them on the website. Within a week, they all had forever homes. It turned out that they weren’t as difficult as they pretended once they were cuddled and petted.

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The humans never found the cats who had been released. But after a little digging, we discovered that they had formed their own family. They settled near a human artists’ colony where they could come and go as they pleased. They artists considered them furry muses. The cats considered the humans providers of treats and shelter when needed.

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(All pictures courtesy of Google Images)

 

8

Love is a Fresh Fish

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(Photos – and anything that resembles actual bear behavior – come from Wayne at Welcome to Tofino Photography.

Mama Bear had decided that after three years it was time for her two sons, Ben and Eddie, to move out on their own.

Ben: Mama, why are you kicking us out?

Mama: It’s time for both to find girls and settle down. I want grand-cubs before I’m too old to play with them.

(Ben walks away)

Eddie: What’s going on?

Ben: Mama want us to go and have cubs.

(Eddie blushes under his fur.)

Eddie: How are we going to do that?

Ben: With girls, stupid

Eddie: I know that. But how do I find a girl?

Ben: What do you mean? I’ve seen the way you look at Mary Sue. Just talk to her.

Eddie: I can’t do that.

Ben: Why not?

Eddie: I wouldn’t know what to say.

Ben: You could try “Hello”.

(Just then Mary Sue walked by with her mother. She looked at Eddie and smiled.)

Ben: See? She likes you.

Eddie: Isn’t she beautiful? That velvety nose, thick fur, white teeth.

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(He pauses.)

Ben: Just go talk to her.

(Eddie finally gets up the nerve to run after her when he sees Joe, Casanova of beardom, start talking to her.)

Eddie: I can’t. Joe’s talking to her and all the girls love Joe.

(All of a sudden, they hear a loud “whap”.)

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Ben (snickering): Well, Mary Sue sure doesn’t love him. Quit being stupid; You won’t know anything unless you talk to her.

(They’re walking along the riverbank and decide they might as well have lunch. After enjoying a nice fresh salmon, they continue on their way. They see two cubs fighting over a dead salmon.)

Ben: I know! You could give her a present.

Eddie: I’m not going to give her a dead fish.

Eddie: I don’t know. What if she doesn’t like it?

Ben: It’s food Eddie. She’s a bear. Bears love food.

Eddie: That’s true. Let me think about it.

(Ben shakes his head. Eddie thinks about how much he likes Mary Sue.)

Eddie: OK. I’ll do it.

(Eddie walks over close to Mary Sue. The water is falling over the rocks and it looks like a good place for fish. He gets into the water, slipping a little on the mossy rock. He easily catches a big fish and takes it out of the water, walking to Mary Sue. He drops it at her feet.)

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Mary Sue: Eddie, is that for me?

Eddie (embarrassed): I hope you like fish.

Mary Sue: I love it!

(She gobbles it down and smiles at him.)

Mary Sue: That was very sweet of you Eddie.

Eddie: Thank you.

(He hesitates a little.)

Eddie: Would you like to go to the picnic with me tomorrow?

Mary Sue: I’d love too.

(The next morning, Eddie meets Mary Sue on the beach. They walk together to the clearing in the woods where some other bears have already gathered. They snack on berries and talk. Eddie seems very nervous. Finally, he speaks.)

Eddie: Mary Sue, I’d like to ask you a question.

Mary Sue: You look so serious Eddie. What’s the question?

Eddie: Would you dance with me? (Rough human translation: Will you marry me?)

Mary Sue: Ohhh. I’d love to.

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(They get up and do their mating dance. When they are done, they walk off into the woods. Eddie is taking her to the den he has spent all night preparing in case she said yes. Back at the picnic Mama Bear is thrilled. She goes looking for Ben who has slipped away into the woods.)

Be sure to check out Tofino Photography. It has a lot more than bears. But we like the bears.

5

The Adoption of Bertie Turkey

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A flock of wild turkeys were strolling around discussing current events.

Turkey 1: Do you know what’s happening in a couple of weeks? It’s going to be Thanksgiving. Do you know what that means?

(The other turkeys look bewildered.)

Turkey 1: That’s the day that every human wants to have turkey for dinner.

Turkey 2: So what? They hunt for us every day.

Turkey 1: I was talking to a guy who was passing through. Apparently we have some kind of relative called a domesticated turkey. Humans raise them on farms just to eat them.

(The turkeys look appalled.)

Turkey 3: That’s barbaric!

 

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Turkey 1: He said that they have put together a team of freedom fighters called Freedom for All Turkeys (FAT). They are going to try to release as many turkeys as possible.

Turkey 4: What can we do to help?

Turkey 1: He wants us to let them know if we see any of these farms so they can set the turkeys free.

(They all nod and go back home.)

Wilma: Fred, I heard the most horrible thing today.

Fred: What’s that? (He’s scratching the ground looking for something.)

Wilma: The humans have something called farms where they raise turkeys just so they can eat them!

Fred: Relax. I’m sure it’s just a rumor.

Wilma: No, it’s not. There’s a group called FAT that’s trying to release as many as possible. We have to help.

Fred: What can we do about it?

Wilma: I want you and the boys to go to one of these farms and bring one of those poor turkeys back. At least we can adopt one of them.

(Fred sighs.)

 

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George: Dad, why are we out here in the middle of nowhere?

Fred: Your mother wants us to rescue a turkey from a farm.

Tim: How much farther is it? We’ve been walking forever.

Fred: It should be around here somewhere.

(Finally they see a sign: Tyler’s Turkey Farm 2 miles. They groan and keep walking.)

 

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(They walk up to a large fenced area.)

Fred: Well, I guess this is it.

Tim: Dad, this is stupid.

George: He’s right. Turkeys don’t fly a lot. But we can fly high enough to get over that fence.

Fred: Well, maybe this isn’t it.

(They hear a lot of rustling and gobbling.)

George: Nope, this is it.

 

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Tim: Is that one of them?

George: It’s huge! Guess that’s why they don’t fly away. That thing can barely walk.

Fred: You, there! Are you a domesticated turkey?

Bertie: Yep. My name is Bertie. Are you guys turkeys? You look like you haven’t had a decent meal in weeks. C’mon in. We have plenty.

Fred: We’re here to rescue you.

Bertie: From what? It’s great here. Nice grounds. Plenty to eat.

George: They’re going to eat you! That’s why they feed you so much.

Bertie: Oh dear! That’s not good. How do I get out?

(They look around.)

Tim: Look. A couple of the wires are loose here.

(They pull the rest loose with their beaks and pull the wires back to make a hole.)

Bertie (skeptical): You want me to go through there?

Fred: You have no choice.

(The two boys fly over the fence and push Bertie. Fred holds the wires back as far as possible. After much struggle, Bertie finally pops through.)

 

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They make their way very slowly through the woods, Bertie needing to stop frequently. What had taken a half day going took three days coming back.

So if you’re wandering around the Michigan woods, may just see Bertie hanging around with a bunch of wild turkeys. He looks about the same, although a lot lighter.

 

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(All pictures courtesy of Google Images)

WordPress says this is going to publish on Sat. at 6a.  It is now Sat. at 8p and I am manually publishing it.