4

Medical School Blues – Part 2

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Where we are: Joey and Suzy are at the top of their medical school class. Joey has been helping his friend, Socks, do better so he doesn’t have to graduate last in the class. Socks did well on his most recent exam. Suzy said it was because Joey cheated for him.

Poor Socks was devastated. He thought that he had been getting smarter. Now someone said the he was cheating.

Socks: Suzy, does that mean that my score doesn’t count?

Suzy: Did you know Joey had stolen the information he taught you?

Socks: Of course not. I would never cheat.Image result for siamese cat and dog

Suzy: I didn’t think so. I’ll make sure you don’t get in trouble.

Joey: What about me? You just accused me of cheating. I didn’t cheat!

Suzy: Then why did you say you knew the questions ahead of time?

Joey: I never said that!

Suzy: Then why did I hear it?

Joey: You didn’t hear it! I never said it. Take it back before I get into trouble.

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Soon the accusation spread beyond their group of friends. It seemed like everyone knew. It was only a matter of time before someone told the professor.

Professor Gibbs: Mr. Boxer, may I see you after class?

Joey: Of course.

Joey was nervous. It had to be about the exam. What if the professor had heard about Suzy’s accusation?

Gibbs: You did extremely well on my last exam.

Joey: Yes, sir. I studied very hard

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Gibbs: So did your friend, Socks. He’s never gotten higher than a score of 74 on a test.

Joey: We’ve been studying together.

Gibbs: What have you two been studying from?

Joey: The textbook and our notes, of course. Mainly my notes.

Gibbs: I’ve heard from a credible source that you were studying from the actual test that I had prepared.

Joey: Suzy’s lying! I never saw that test before we took it. She’s just trying to get me in trouble.Image result for dog on trial meme

Gibbs: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I haven’t seen Suzy outside of class in weeks. I wanted to talk to you about the rumor. Is it true?

Joey: No, it is not.

Gibbs: Then you better find a way to prove that. You’re scheduled to appear before the academic board a week from Tuesday. If they vote that you’ve cheated, you’re going to be expelled.

One more thing, do you know of Mr. Retriever cheating?

Joey: He would never cheat. He’s been studying around the clock since I began tutoring him. He’s actually pretty smart when he focuses.

Gibbs: All right. That’s what we thought. He has been doing better in class.

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Joey: Why do you think I would cheat? I’m at the top of the class.

Gibbs: Exactly. The top students are the only ones who cheat at this point. They’ll do anything they can to be number 1 at the end.

Joey: Thanks for telling me. I guess I better go figure out how to straighten this out.

Joey met with a few of his closest friends. He wasn’t sure who to trust; someone had told administration. Apparently, it wasn’t Suzy.

Joey: I think I’m done guys. How do I prove that I didn’t say something?

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Alex Owl: Where did you supposedly say this?

Joey: I don’t know. I haven’t talked to Suzy since she said it.

Jeremy Airedale: When were the two of you at the same place that she might have heard something that sounds like that?

Joey (frustrated): I don’t know. Socks, do you remember anything?

Socks: Sorry, buddy. I went out to play ball with some of my old friends, and slept until the next class.

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Alex: It looks like you’re in a bit of a mess. There’s only one thing to do. You have to prove that she’s lying.

Socks: That doesn’t seem very nice. She was just talking to some friends. I don’t think she meant it to turn out this way.

Jeremy: That may be true. But I think Alex is right. If we can’t prove that he’s right, then we have to prove that she’s wrong.

Joey: How do we do that?

The next day, Suzy was given a letter. It said that she had to be in court 2 days later. Joey Boxer was suing her for slander and defamation of character.

Next week: Will the trial vindicate Joey?

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12

Medical School Blues

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Suzy Siamese and Joey Boxer had been competitors all the way through medical school. It was generally agreed that they both would be excellent doctors. The end of school was near and they wanted to do their best. Class standing would determine where they could do their internship.

Joey’s best friend in the program was a golden retriever named Max who everyone called him Socks because he had a habit of wearing socks when he was cold rather than curling up like everyone else.

Poor Socks was at the bottom of the class. It looked like he was going to get whatever assignment no one else wanted. His only goal was not to be last.

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Socks: This is awful. You have no idea how terrible it feels to be at the bottom of the class. I feel like an idiot.

Joey: You’re not an idiot, buddy. This is a great school.

Socks: Yeah, but maybe I should have gone to Canine U. I probably would have done better at a school without all these smart animals from other species. I could have competed with other Goldens and dogs who are closer to me intellectually. I might have even been near the top of the class.

Joey: You belong here. You didn’t wash out like those losers with really rotten grades.

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Socks: Maybe. But look who’s at the top of the class: you, that cat, and a falcon. I’m going to end up in East Siberia.

Joey: It won’t be that bad. We don’t even partner with a school in Siberia.

Socks: That’s not funny. You know what I mean.

Joey: OK. OK. You might be right. I would hate to be at the bottom of the class. Maybe I can help.

Socks: How? Change my grades in the computer? Get some of the animals ahead of me to drop out?

Image result for smart boxer dog meme

Joey: No, goofball. I can tutor you.

Socks: Do you have time for that?

Joey: I’ll make time for you, buddy.

Socks: Thanks! That’d be great! I just want to pass that cuckoo. It is so embarrassing being behind him.

Joey: We can probably do even better than that.

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A few weeks passed. Suzy was meeting with her study group. It was a good group for her. Everyone was in the top quarter of the class.

Pete: That’s it for tonight. If I have to see one more drawing or picture of bacteria, I’ll go crazy.

June: Me too. I think my brain is full for today.

Betty: Did you hear the latest? Joey is tutoring Socks.

Ben: Poor Socks. I can’t believe he made it to the end. He’s such a nice guy, but he doesn’t have much of an attention span.

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Suzy: I really don’t know how he can study. And I wonder how Joey has time to tutor an animal like that.

Ben: Who knows. Anyone up for a quick snack at the café?

They spent a short time eating, then went home to study.

It appeared that the tutoring was working. Socks began to answer correctly when he was called on in class.

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Professor Atkins: Well, Mr. Retriever, it seems that you have finally learned how to study.

Socks: I have to thank Joey Boxer for the change. He’s been tutoring me.

Professor Atkins: Good job, Mr. Boxer.

Socks’ performance continued to improve. Even so, he was nervous about the microbiology test coming up.

Socks: What if I forget everything? We would have wasted all that time.

Image result for golden retriever and boxer friends

Joey: Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.

Joey was right. Socks got 85/100, his highest grade ever. He was thrilled, until Suzy spoke up.

Suzy: I heard Joey Boxer say that he knew Socks was going to do well because he knew what the questions were going to be and he gave Socks the answers.

Next week: Did Joey cheat or was Suzy just trying to get him in trouble so she’d have fewer competitors?

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images

12

Cat Forum: A Day at the Spa

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando here. Thanks for joining us here for this month’s Cat Forum. Today we’re looking at the important issue of how you can de-stress after a hard day of supervising the neighborhood, hunting, and looking for the perfect napping spot.

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One of the best ways to relax is to get a massage. Some cats find a human to do this. If you are looking for a human, you need one who uses their whole hand. It feels like extremely good cuddles.

Some humans use their fingertips. They call it acupressure; we call it prodding. However, many cats report that after the prodding, they do feel a lot better.

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We prefer a cat-to-cat massage. No one knows where our stress points are better than another cat. And when they’re done, you don’t need to worry about being dumped on the sofa afterwards. You can just relax and take a nap.

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Some of you say ‘nip is relaxing. We don’t want to recommend it here, because it excites as many kitties as it relaxes. Of course, most kitties do fall asleep after the excitement. So, it probably is relaxing.

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If you do choose to relax with ‘nip, make sure you get it from a reliable trader. Some cats have reported finding oregano and other herbs mixed in. That is definitely not relaxing.

A couple of good, long stretches are good for relaxing. Remember to hold the stretch momentarily to get the most out of it. If you are an active hunter, you may associate stretching with hunting. In that case, we do not recommend trying to relax this way.

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Some kitties like to relax with music. We recommend something in the classical realm, with lots of soothing strings or piano. Do not listen to that current human music with the loud crashes and human yowling. It will cause you more stress than you currently have.

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If the source of your stress is a housemate, there are two ways to deal with it. Our preferred method is to chase them out of the area. Not only will the running help you de-stress, you no longer have to deal with the source of the stress.

The other alternative is to find a quiet space of your own. However, if you’re stressed because someone has invaded your quiet spot, you’ll need to have several back-ups. Pests can usually find you.

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 Last, but not least, is a nice, long nap in a warm spot. We recommend a blanket, a sunny spot, in front of a fire, or in your bed. Do not use a human lap. Just about the time you get settled in, they will decide it’s time for a snack.

Talking about all of this relaxation is making us sleepy. Purrs and snuggles from Cat Forum.

12

Snoops and Kommando: Literary Critics

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Snoops and Kommando here. Mom didn’t notice that there were five Saturdays in August, so she has an extra post to fill. And guess which very talented kitties came to the rescue? That’s right. So here we are. (We get to write more next week since it’s our regular week. Pretty exciting, eh?)

Anyway, we have decided that we would show you just how intelligent cats are. She and the young male human went to a place called Stratford, Ontario on Sunday to see a play called Henry the VIII.

Weird, huh? Seems like they should have seen the first seven Henrys before this one. Apparently, it’s like some of human TV. It really doesn’t matter where you start. It sounded pretty boring (also like most human TV). No cats (or even dogs) in the whole thing.

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But they did bring home one interesting item: Cat Poems, edited by Tynan Kogane. We had high hopes and began reading right away. Humans don’t write many books for cats. We were not impressed.

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Mujer by William Carlos Williams

Oh, Black Persian cat!

was not your life

already cursed with offspring?

we took you for rest to that old

Yankee farm, –so lonely

and with so many field mice

in the long grass—

and you return to us

in this condition–!

Oh, black Persian cat.

So, what’s the deal with this? Cats shouldn’t have kittens? Black Persian cats shouldn’t have kittens? We know there are currently too many kittens. But if no one had kittens, we’d run out of cats.

And what condition is he talking about? Is she pregnant again? Covered with dirt and prickly things? A dead mouse for dinner? We don’t like this poem. Let’s move on.

Image result for cat looking at bird

She Sights a Bird by Emily Dickinson

She sights a bird – she chuckles—

She flattens—then she crawls—

She runs without the look of feet—

Her eyes increase to Balls—

 

Her jaws stir—twitching—hungry—

Her Teeth can hardly stand—

She leaps, but Robin leaped the first—

Ah, Pussy of the Sand.

 

The hopes so juice ripening—

You almost bathed your Tongue—

When Bliss disclosed a hundred toes—

And fled with every one—

This one starts out pretty good. We’ve all seen birds we want to catch. The cat gets all excited. Then loses the bird. Then something with lots of toes ran away. Who is Bliss? Why does she need one hundred toes? Not only did the poem disappoint us, it ended strange.

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We were going to tell you more poems, but most of them were really long. Or talked about dead cats or about old cats who were getting ready to die. Or were just too weird to even understand.

We decided that what the book needed was some poetry actually written by cats. We came up with a couple of ideas we think they should consider for the next version. They are much easier to understand.

Image result for cat chasing mouse

Mothers Ruin Everything

A mouse wandered out of a hole in the wall.

Two excited kitties raced quickly down the hall.

One came for the kill,

The other, the thrill.

Rats! They lost their prey, who heard his mother call.

Image result for cat looking at rain

Mothers Ruin Everything – Part 2

The cats saw birds out the window pane.

They tried to get out; it was in vain.

The door they used before

Was shut to the floor.

Mom closed it when it started to rain.

See? Short. To the point. Easy to understand. If they’re going to write a book for cats about poetry, they should write ones that cats can understand them. We’re smart; people just don’t get how to communicate with us.

14

Cat Forum: It’s in the Stars

Snoops: Did you know that this time of year has a special name around here? It’s called the “Dog Days”

Kommando: Why? I haven’t seen any extra dogs wandering around.

Snoops: Nope. It doesn’t have anything to do with real dogs.

Kommando: Is it because it’s so hot that the humans lie around panting like dogs?

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Snoops: It’s because of a star called Sirius, the Dog Star. It’s easy to see this time of year.

Kommando: Why do dogs get a star? What about cats?

Snoops: We have Leo. It’s a bunch of stars named after a lion.

Kommando: OK. That works. So how long do these “dog days” last? It’s really hot.

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Snoops: Yeah. Lying under these fans all the time is hard on my fur.

Kommando: And I’m tired of shedding so much.

Snoops: Luckily, they’re almost over. They generally run from July 3 to August 11 in the northern part of the world.

Kommando: So, after tomorrow it won’t be so hot anymore?

Snoops: Afraid not. It can still be hot and sticky for a long time.

Image result for hot cat meme

Kommando: Rats. But that part about cats and dogs in the sky is pretty interesting. Are there other animals up there?

Snoops: I don’t know. Let’s look it up on the Internet.

Kommando: We can talk to Mr. Google, so we don’t have to worry about typing.

Snoops: Wow! Look at this. There are 88 constellations and 42 are named after animals.*

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Kommando: Some of those aren’t animals. Like birds. And fish. Seriously? They consider a fly an animal?

Snoops: Some of them aren’t real animals either; they’re make-believe.

Kommando: Let’s see what some of them look like.

Leo (Lion)

Image result for leo constellation Image result for standing lion

 

Ursa Major (Big Bear)

Image result for ursa major constellation Image result for bear

Taurus (Bull)

Image result for taurus constellation  Image result for bull

Vulpecula (Fox)

 Image result for fox constellation Image result for fox

Kommando: Those stars don’t look anything like the animals. Humans are crazy.

Snoops: I guess it was nice of them to think of us.

Kommando: At least they have opposable thumbs.

All pictures courtesy of Google Images (except us)

* https://starinastar.com/how-many-animal-constellations/

Sorry  I’m late – I accidentally scheduled it for tomorrow

53

Cat Forum: Interview with Da Tabbies O Trout Towne

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Greetings. Snoops and Kommando Kitty here. Today we’re talking to some of our newest friends in blog-land, Da Tabbies O Trout Towne. We met the Da Tabbies earlier this year. They are a lot of fun, and we recommend that you go over and read about some of their adventures.

They are a little isolated over in Trout Towne and have developed a dialect of cat that is different than any we knew before (although it is similar to some surfer-cat dialects and Cajun cats). They have a unique way of looking at things, and we like them a lot. Dude K Mayor provided the answers below.

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Who lives in Trout Towne? 

current lee it be tuna of moon, mackerull boomer junior butter feeld, & dai$y queen of the run on sentence manee moonz ago dude K, sauce of fishbone, butter lover boomer o cat, and the perkolator lived heer but they bee livin large & in charge in heaven now

Image result for cats at the lake

What makes Trout Towne special? 

noe one noez wear itz at…inn cloodin uz

(1)

You all seem to hate birds. Is there a reason? 

ewe betcha, we gotta lot oh reezonz, two manee ree lee, but one important one iz they iz all wayz steelin R fishin werms

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How do you get to be mayor? 

well, gram paw dude waz named mayor afturr an electshunz… that had onlee one voter; hiz self

(2)

What do you like to do? 

sleep, chillax, eat, watch nayborz, sass chippeez & BURDS, cauz trubull, aggravatez de food servizz gurl bee coz we can, sneek online N vizit pals,  ore shop with de food gurlz card….then ree peet

(3)

Do you all get along well? 

yez & noe; dai$y iz act shoo a lee a cuzin,  N livez with de food servizz gurlz mom sew we due knot see her like in reel life, mackerull & me; tuna…. haza…. “ewe on R my last nerve kinda life” ….but mackerullz onlee 1 and me tuna, eye am 12 and reddy ta ree tire

(4)

Do you have to love fish to live in Trout Towne? 

knot reel lee… but it doez help if ewe like nite time better than day time;  coz in day time we sleep

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Are humans allowed? 

if they bee bringin canned goodz, kibble, ore fishin wermz….sure 😉

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 Are you cuddlers or loners? 

this questshunz hard ta answer coz all oh uz iz both;  but knot at de same time; ore de same day; N sum timez knot even de same yeer

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 Is there anything else you’d like to tell us?

sure. stop bye anytime, we all wayz haz hammicks out, foodz on de grill, anda force feeld we can tern on pron toe, if we see burd…incoming.  manee thanx two ewe snoops and kommando for lettin uz chill with ewe both two day…thiz waz fun !!

Image result for cat at a barbecue
The real tabbies o Trout Towne are the pictures with numbers. All other pictures are courtesy of Google Images
14

Felines and Friends Academy Elections – Part 3

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Where we are: Bella Bear has decided to run for student government to represent the various types of non-feline animals at the academy. She has been promised the support of many of those animals. To read the first two parts, click on the links to the right.

Several days passed. As promised, the other animals volunteered to do anything they could. The night before her first rally, Bella was nervous.

Bella: I don’t know why I said I’d do this. I’m never going to win. All I’m doing is wasting everyone’s time.

Daphne: You don’t have to win.

Bella: I know, I know. Just running is an important first step for us.

Daphne: No. I mnean you don’t have to get the most votes to win.

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Bella: What do you mean?

Daphne: What office did you register to run for?

Bella: I don’t remember. That’s kind of embarrassing. I am going to look like an idiot tomorrow.

Daphne: No, you won’t. You didn’t need to sign up, except to run for a leadership spot. The animal who gets the most votes is President, the runner-up is Vice-President, and third place becomes Treasurer.

Bella: How could I have missed that?

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Daphne: You were pretty upset about the cats running everything. You weren’t really focusing on much else.

Bella: Has it always been this way?

Daphne: As far as I know. You campaign for President, but as long as you’re in the top three, you’re elected to an office.

Bella: That’s why those cats were always in a herd. That makes sense.

Daphne: I told you the were nice kitties.

Bella: I better get going on my speech.

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When Bella was waiting to go on the stage, she was surprised to see that there were a lot of animals waiting to hear what she had to say. There were even a few cats.

Becky Squirrel: Look. The cats sent spies to see what you’re saying.

Bella: Oh, no! That’s awful.

Daphne: No, it isn’t. If they didn’t think you were a threat, they would ignore you. Besides, some of them may just want to hear what you have to say.

Ollie Otter: I agree. I always go to all the speeches just to hear what they are saying. Maybe they don’t really care if they vote for a cat.

Bella: Well, it’s too late to back out, so let’s do this.

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As she walked onto the stage, Bella heard the cheering and clapping. She hadn’t realized how many animals were ready for a change.

Bella: Thank you all for coming. I’m honored that so many of you wanted to hear me speak.

From the back: It’s about time someone showed those cats the we can’t be pushed around anymore. We’re gonna fight back. Watch out kitties, it’s our turn to roar.

The other animals began cheering the speaker. Bella was appalled. She didn’t want to fight the cats. She wanted to work with them.

Bella: No. That’s not the message at all. The cats haven’t hurt us. We just want them to understand what we want, too. We want to have a say in what activities and classes are offered. We want to be a team.

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The crowd quieted down as Bella talked about her plans and what she hoped to do, starting with afterschool and lunchtime clubs and programs more oriented toward some of the other animals. The audience listened quietly and cheered at the end.

Bella was thrilled. They seemed to really appreciate what she was saying. When she left the stage, she was surrounded by supporters. She noticed a couple of cats standing to the side and went over.

Bella: Hi, I’m Bella Bear. I’m so glad you could make it to my rally.

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Phoebe: We were just wondering if you meant what you said to those mockingbirds.

Bella: Sorry? We don’t have birds at the academy.

Phoebe: I meant the weasels who wanted to fight with us cats. Did you really mean what you said about wanted to work together? Or is that just a cover for the election?

Bella: Not at all. I don’t want to be excluded anymore, but the cats are a huge part of this school. After talking with some of you, I understand that we need to participate to get our ideas heard. I’m trying to be that voice.

Phyllis: We were hoping you’d say that. Quite a few cats are in favor non-cats having a bigger say in things. But we want to make sure it’s someone who won’t make things worse by turning the school into pro-cat and anti-cat enemies.

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Bella: Oh, yes! I completely agree.

Phyllis: Then we’d like to work with you on the best way to reach the cats.

Phoebe: And your team can work it into your message. What do you think?

Bella: I love the idea! Let me introduce you to my best friend, Daphne. She’s the one who keeps all of us on track.

Next week: Will Bella cooperative strategy work?

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All pictures courtesy of Google Images.