14

Meeting on Meowsrr

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Penelope was a pretty 3-year old calico looking for a new way to meet men. Her friends suggested she try Meowsrr, the new dating site for cats.

Meowsrr was the current hot thing in dating. Since very few cats have phones (no pockets), it was designed to work best on a computer. Cats are not fond of typing (that pesky opposable thumb thing), so almost the entire process was done through a voice application.

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She signed up after reading their legal terms. No responsibility for outcome of first date. No responsibility for lack of honesty by members. No responsibility for ticks, fleas, or lack of personal hygiene. No guarantee that site security would be maintained.

Penelope submitted her form with a greeting to potential suitors. She would see responses within 24 hours.

The next day, Penelope eagerly opened Meowsrr. She found the pictures of three handsome cats. She opened the message from the first one:

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“Hi ladies. My name is Murray and I’m the cat of your dreams. I know all of the hot spots in town and can show you a good time. Love to cuddle. If you’re looking for fun, call me.”

She pressed the “No” button and Murray was gone.

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“This is Pete. I’m the strong, silent type. I don’t always have a lot to say, but I’m there when you need me. I’m not into catnip or the milk bar scene. I’d love to get to know you better.”

“Maybe”

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“Hello. My name is Tony. I’m a large, muscular tortie with his own business. I like to spend evenings curled up in front of a fire. I also like quiet dinners and jaw rubs. If that sounds good, call me.”

Penelope decided to call.

After a couple of awkward minutes, they got along well and decided to meet for a bowl of cream. Tony suggested a place Penelope had never heard of;, but since it was close to where he worked, she agreed to it.

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The next night Penelope bathed and fluffed her fur. Looking in the mirror, she was satisfied that she would make a good impression. Since she wasn’t familiar with where she was going, she took a cab.

Looking out the window, Penelope saw that they were heading for the river. Maybe he worked in one of those fancy offices. But they took a left toward the docks. The cab stopped in front of a restaurant between the two districts.

Penelope looked around the restaurant nervously. An extremely large cat came over and introduced himself as Tony.

Tony: Hi. I’m Tony. You must be Penelope. You’re just as pretty in person as in your picture.

He led her to a table.

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Penelope: Goodness, you weren’t kidding when you said you were large and muscular. You didn’t mention that you were a Maine Coon.

Tony: Is that a problem?

Penelope: No. I just wasn’t expecting it.

Sniffs the air.

Penelope: What type of cologne are you wearing? It smells interesting.

Tony (laughing): I’m not wearing cologne. We call it Eau de Wharf. Do you like it?

Penelope: Well, it certainly is different.

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They ordered dinner. Tony had a surf and turf of beef and salmon. Penelope had salmon pate. Tony ordered two bowls of cream as an appetizer.

Tony: Are you sure that’s all you want? You can get anything on the menu. The food’s great. I know the chef; he’s one of my clients.

Penelope: No, I’m fine. I wasn’t expecting this much. I thought we were going to meet for cream.

Tony: I wanted to make a good first impression.

Penelope: Why don’t you tell me about your business?

Tony (proudly): I run a rodent extermination place down on the wharf. You wouldn’t believe the business we do. Rats and mice everywhere. I have ten guys that work for me Every night we end up with a pile as high as that door over there. (Points to the entrance.)

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The food arrived. A lot of food.

Penelope: That sounds like a very good business.

They both started to eat. Between bites, Tony continued to talk.

Tony: Yeah, it’s a great business. You wouldn’t believe the number of rats around here. And mice. It seems like the more we get rid of, the more we see.

The chef walked up to the table.

Chef: It’s so good to see you. We’re expecting one of your guys after closing tonight. Seems that little problem behind the cooler hasn’t quite gone away. You wouldn’t believe what we saw today!

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He looked at Penelope and noticed that she had pushed her plate away.

Chef: Is there something wrong with the pate?

Penelope: No. I’m just feeling a little ill. I’m sorry but I have to go.

After Penelope left, the men continued their conversation.

Chef: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare your girl off.

Tony: Don’t worry. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I could tell she was a snob the moment I saw her.

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Pictures courtesy of Google Images

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14

The Adventure Bear Show (Part 2 of 2)

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So far – Joey and Mikey Bear were both trying to win a contest on The Adventure Bear Show. To win they had to write an essay about something nice they had done for someone. Somehow, both cubs had ended up at the same place to do the same job.

Joey was stunned and disappointed. Now what was he supposed to do? He didn’t have another idea. Mikey’s mom must have known about the Ursalines too. Mikey grinned from the sofa.

Joey turned to Mrs. Ursaline and said that he didn’t realize that she already had help. He didn’t want to bother her. She said not to worry; there were plenty of things to do. She was sure she could keep them both busy. So Joey sat on the sofa next to Mikey. Mikey’s grin faded. He knew Joey was a good writer and would be able to do a better job explaining their work.

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Mrs. Ursaline was right. There was a lot of work to do. They needed to clean out the garden and cover the plants with mulch. There was a lot of raking to be done. All of the tools had to be cleaned and put away. The back part of the den needed to be raked out and covered with leaves and moss for the winter sleeping.

This was going to be a lot of work. Joey hadn’t counted on anything this hard and wondered if he could back out. Then he remembered that if he did, Mikey would get to go with Adventure Bear. This had to be the best job anyone would have. Grrr.

They each grabbed a rake and started to furiously clear the leaves, trying to outdo each other in the amount they raked. After a while, Mrs. Ursaline came out to see how they were doing. She was not impressed. She called the boys over and told them that it wasn’t a race. They needed to be more careful and make sure they got all of the leaves up. They should work as a team.

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Joey and Mikey looked at each other guiltily. She was right. They had done a terrible job. They told her they would go over it again. They divided the yard, and each cub concentrated on getting all of the leaves. When it was done, it looked great.

They decided that they should rake out the den next. That way they could use the best leaves for the bedding. While they were in the den, they started talking to each other again. They decided that it was stupid to fight over Adventure Bear. He probably already had a favorite cub in the area. They decided to be friends again.

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They found some nice, soft moss for the ground and covered it with the best leaves they could find. None of the icky, smelly ones that had already started to rot. Those ones would be good for the garden. They went outside to get started on the garden.

When they got outside, they discovered that it was already starting to get dark. They told Mrs. Ursaline that they would be back the next day to finish. Mrs. Ursaline told them that they were doing a wonderful job, and she looked forward to seeing them again.

At dinner, Joey excitedly told them about his afternoon with Mikey at Mrs. Ursaline’s. He was happiest that he and Mikey were friends again. His mother smiled. She and Mikey’s mom had hoped that would be the result. Joey went to bed early, tired from all the work.

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The next day, they decided that the best way to clean out the garden was to cut back the plants, rake around them, and cover everything with leaves. It was a lot of work, and their paws were sweaty by the time they were done.

That just left the tools. The job was worse than what they expected. They had to wipe everything down, but then they had to cover the tools with grease to protect them from the cold and damp. It was almost impossible to get the sticky stuff off their paws.

Finally it was time for the Adventure Bear dinner. Mikey and Joey sat next to each other. They talked about how great it was to shake Adventure Bear’s paw and how big and strong he was. They promised to still be friends if one of them won the trip.

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Dinner was great, salmon and berries, but the cubs were all impatient to find out who had won. It seemed like forever until a bear stood up and said it was time for Adventure Bear to announce the winner.

Adventure Bear said it was always hard to choose a cub for his adventure; this time it was so hard that he had chosen two winners for the first time ever. He had chosen these two cubs because they had performed their tasks together and had helped each other as well as the bear needing the help. Both essays really demonstrated the Adventure Bear spirit.

Joey and Mikey looked at each other. He had to be talking about them! When Adventure Bear announced their names, they ran to the stage together. They stood on either side of Adventure Bear while he told everyone that they would be hiking up a local hill and looking for grubs and berries.

All of them joined together in a giant “bear” hug.

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5

Never Thought I’d Live to See the Day

It’s not like I have to look a long way to feel old. My kids have somehow morphed from being small, cute little people to fully grown, attractive people. I really don’t understand it. It’s not like I’ve gotten any older.

Even my husband has a smart phone. I have sat at dinner where he spends more time on his phone than the kids. Actually, he’s worse than the kids. My daughter uses the phone as a timer for some medications she has to take, and my son uses it to look up information we don’t know during discussions.

But my family is pretty traditional. You might have noticed that the paragraph above mentions both family dinners and discussions. We discuss politics, always a challenge (2 conservatives, 1 traditional liberal, and one populist). We also talk about religion, world events, literature, and history. I don’t discuss the dinners in public; it seems a little retro.

And (of course) the kids rarely swear in front of me. When I was young, someone told me that using too many “bad” words wasn’t sophisticated. It just showed a lack of vocabulary. I agreed, and over the years and have found various vegetables and animals effective substitutes for most things. Since it wasn’t a hot button for me, the kids respected my point of view. (I’ve come to find out that’s kind of weird too.)

There was also the issue of my mother swearing a fair amount. Who wanted to do it if their mother did?

But I have started a new job. You may remember that I am now working midnights. To stereotype, there are two groups of people there: Millennials and bitter people waiting to retire. Of course, there are a couple of people who fall outsides those groups, but they aren’t any fun to talk about.

Everyone is friendly and welcomed me into the group. I like them all. But I have never been with a group of Millennials who are relaxing with their peers. Some of them seem to be incapable of saying a complete sentence without using a word that used to be a vulgar term for sexual intercourse.

I went home and asked my Millennial son why some of his peers seemed to use the word as noun, verb, adjective, and (incorrectly) adverb. He joked and told me that if I hadn’t heard it used as a preposition, I had not heard everything. He then told me that people only used it when they were relaxing with their friends. Okay. I guess I’m flattered.

So I asked my Millennial daughter why. She said that people liked to use it because it was a “forbidden” word. She said that there were only two words that were now forbidden in “polite company.” (A term showing my age.) The other word is one that refers to female genitalia in a particularly vulgar way. Apparently that one is still more common on social media than general conversation.

I stock in an area that includes condoms and other personal items for a large chain store. I am totally in favor of condoms. Preventing pregnancy is good. Spreading disease is bad. And I’m sure that moving them out from behind the counter has been nothing but good.

However, I pity the poor teenager looking for something for his first experience. Gone are the days of choosing between three or four types of Trojans. I guess the variety in deodorant and toothpaste has come to personal protection.

There are three racks of choices, plus the selection on the shelf below and hanging on the display nearby. They pretty much all promise a more sensitive experience for him and a more sensual experience for her. You can now buy them in boxes of up to 40 which I hope are purchased by people in committed relationships. I guess the other option would be a guy with really high hopes.

The more surprising thing is that you can now buy items that go over the condom to give the female additional stimulation. I’m not sure, but I don’t think those things existed when I was young. At least they were not available on a rack in plain view of everyone, right next to the vibrators that could remove the male from the picture entirely. I wonder what the parents say when their child wanders down the aisle while they are looking at razors.

I kind of miss the days when s*** was still uncommon and the most embarrassing thing to explain to a child in a grocery store was the sanitary napkins.