Author Archives: cat9984

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The Return of the Evil Tree Spirits

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My love affair with the trees begins anew every spring. The buds arrive just in time to keep me from going crazy from the ice and snow (most years). All summer long, leaves sit on the ends of the tree branches, looking beautiful and giving shade. At the end of the summer, they are stunning in their different colors. Then the evil tree spirits arrive and turn them into nasty, spiteful dead leaves.

With some leaves, it starts while they are still on the trees. Those are the leaves that never turn a bright shade of yellow; they’re sickly yellow with brown spots. When the rain and high winds come, they attack the roads and cars. The roads get slippery. They hang onto the cars and need to be pulled off, one by one.

The others make it to the ground, still looking festive. If you rake them quickly, they even make attractive piles. They crunch under foot and remind us of cider and football. These leaves may be more evil than the others because they lull us into thinking that even on the ground, they are beautiful.

Then you try to rake them. You pull all of them into a pile, look around, and realize that you have missed a few. You rake those few and notice that another part of the lawn has leaves on it. You put those leaves out back for mulch or winter dens for the critters or whatever. You go in the house feeling satisfied at a job well done. Then look out the window and see more leaves. Some meticulous homeowners rake every day, generally during their first year of home ownership.

One year, you decide to wait until all the leaves are down before raking. This option does not work. They are never all down. Or by the time the rain takes down the last of them, you have lost all interest in going out into the cold to rake leaves. You are getting the snowblower ready. Besides, how much damage could they do if you leave them until spring? Hint: if you leave a lot of foliage on your grass over the winter, you may not need the mower in the spring. You may need sod.

We don’t have many neighbors here, but back when we lived in the city there was the problem of the mysterious appearance of leaves on the lawn after raking. A lot of leaves. More leaves than any of our trees could have possibly shed. We were left with unpleasant thoughts about our neighbors: they were dumping their leaves on us. In their defense, it was usually a case of raking on different days and the wind moving the leaves.

But I have heard stories of blower wars, with no one willing to actually rake up or mulch the leaves. More evil tree spirit mischief. I’m sure the spirits were laying the groundwork for the snow spirits that make snow appear on the walk after it has been shoveled.

The final indignity is the few leaves that remain on the tree, blowing in the wind all winter. They are reminders of the love affair gone sour. And I know they are laughing at me.

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Mice: They’re Not Just for Snacking

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This morning my husband comes downstairs, says good morning followed by “Kommando has another mouse.”

When we moved to exurbia awhile back, I understood that in return for the extra space there would be some adjustments. At the time, the house had LP heating (at better than $400/month to heat the house), a well, and a septic tank. We still have the well and septic tank, but fortunately a natural gas line was put through. The neighbor on one side is close enough that we could hear when he played really awful music really loud. But the other three sides are pretty much open. But what we don’t have in humans, we make up for in critters.

Most of the critters are pretty cute. Although it is almost impossible to have a garden, I like looking out and seeing the deer and rabbits. The raccoons and woodchucks are cute, if somewhat destructive. Every once in awhile, there’s a possum, skunk, or coyote. We have some small, harmless snakes. And then we have the rodents. I realize that the more scientific of you will disagree, but I count the mice and bats as rodents. Why bats? Both my grandmother and husband have tried to get me to like them by telling me that they are just mice with wings. I don’t like having mice in my house and I don’t like having bats there either.

Looking back, I do feel a little bad about making my husband get the bat off our son’s ceiling the same day he had shoulder surgery. But a few years later, while he was on a fishing trip another bat got in, and I had to call a neighbor to remove it. Both of those were pretty embarrassing, but the worst came a couple of years later. I had the house to myself, with everyone else out of town.

One night, I heard scratching at the baseboard in my bedroom, but couldn’t see anything. I turned out the light and went to sleep. My head itched, and when I scratched there was something in it. I screamed and tossed it on the bed. Turned on the light and couldn’t find anything. In the morning, there was the bat. So don’t let anyone tell you that bats won’t come near you. That one was trying to cuddle with me. Needless to say, he quickly joined his friends outside.

From the day we moved in, there was scratching in the walls. My husband said it was natural, we had moved into an old farmhouse. Lovely. I figured as long as they stayed in the walls, we could coexist. The day before Thanksgiving the first year, I was alone cleaning when I saw the first one. He was sitting in the living room looking at me. I do not like mice, and I particularly don’t like mice who look at me rather than running. Our two “city” cats were nowhere to be found.

Eventually Rascal discovered that mice were great fun to play with and made excellent gifts when dead. She became a skilled hunter, extremely patient and quick to pounce. The other cat, Critter, became more skilled as well. The highlight was the night she brought one of her “toys” to bed and started to play with it. Needless to say, that was a one-time event. Critter was also the one who pounced on the bat in the hallway. Apparently she thought they were just mice with wings too.

Unfortunately, like the rest of us, the cats aged. Eventually they both lost their hearing. Until the end, Rascal would sit in the pantry, watching for mice. For awhile, the mice held the upper hand.

Last summer, we got another set of cats. SuperSnoops (she put her nose into everything when we brought her into the house) aka Snoops came from the shelter. Kommando Kitty was left as a kitten. A repairman found her in the window well. He got her out, and she proceeded to try to leap across the window well again to get in the window. Sweet cat; a little impulsive. Unfortunately neither cat showed any mousing skill. I could hear snickering behind the walls.

As you may know, fall and spring are moving seasons for mice. They go to and from their winter homes. Ours had gotten a little too complacent. Snoops discovered that they like to come out at the basesboards. Every evening she goes on “mouse patrol”. This week she was finally rewarded. Three one day, two the next, and so on. Kommando has no patience, but is learning from a master.

I’ve never been a fan of those “circle of life” wildlife programs. It’s a little disconcerting to see it in your own house. Particularly since our cats have the instinct to catch the prey, play with it, and kill it, but absolutely no inclination whatsoever to eat it (they seem to find the idea somewhat revolting). Sometimes, we don’t even get to the kill part. Kommando in particular, subscribes to the catch and release school of mousing.

Before you start to think of our house as akin to a Roman arena, I would like to clarify that the mice brought this on themselves. Once we had put all of our pantry foods in plastic tubs and other containers, I thought we had sent them a clear message. However, they also like dry cat food – a lot.

So the cats are simply protecting their food. And my food. And my furniture. And my sanity (such as it is).

3

Wrapped Up in Red Tape

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I love my HMO. I really do. I have a great network. It’s easy to get an appointment. If I’m sick I can get in the same day. I like the doctors. Generally speaking, even getting a referral is easy. However….

A couple of weeks ago, I called to get a referral to a chiropractor and a psychiatrist. The woman was very nice, asked me why I needed the referrals and said they should be sent out in a couple of days. She told me to make the initial appointment with the chiropractor for consultation and x-rays. They are always covered.

I wanted to see the chiropractor because my neck has started clicking. Checking the Internet I found out that it could be nothing or it could be the beginning of degenerative arthritis in my neck (apparently nothing between annoying and wanting a neck replacement). The blog people said that they highly recommended a chiropractor because several people had gone to MD’s and were misdiagnosed. Of course I believed the blog people. Having become one, I know that my opinion is now worth much more than it was back in June before I started writing. I did not check to see how many of the blog people were chiropractors. However, I had asked the Physician’s Assistant at my PCP’s office about the clicking and she had no clue.

I made the appointment with the chiropractor for the next week. Of course, they would not do the x-rays without the referral, but what could go wrong? It was only supposed to take a couple of days. The day of the appointment, I called the office to make sure they have the referral. Guess what? She still wanted me to come in for the consult; I could make the second appointment at that time. I declined; there is something wrong. What if I really like this guy and can’t go back? I wanted to make the decision about a second date; not the insurance company.

I called the referral people. Where did I get the name of the chiropractor? Off your website. Oh, that’s odd. The computer won’t allow the referral. I’ll look into it. Hoped it’s that nothing option; I start to get tense. What if the website was wrong? Where do I find another guy? I picked this guy because he was close and hoped for the best. I don’t know anyone who has a chiropractor out here. I hate when this stuff goes sideways – I’ve rationalized my selection and don’t want to change it although there was no real reason I made it in the first place. (Feeling more and more like dating.)

On Monday I got a call from the “real” referral lady. Apparently the person I had been speaking with with the “fill-in” referral lady. She said that there had been an error. My chiropractor is on the list and the referral had been processed, backdated to October 1. October 1? Ours is not to question why.

So now I can make the appointment. But first, I have to get healthy. I have some sort of throat virus and have been off work. That means I have to get a release from my doctor saying I was actually sick and when I am able to go back to work. More red tape.

Why would anyone fake needing to see a doctor? My neck feels worse than it did when I started. And about that psychiatry referral….

7

Write What?

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I have noticed that several bloggers have written that the only way to get good at writing is to write everyday, regardless of other commitments. In fact, Ned over at Ned’s Blog went so far as to say that those of us who do not should be spanked (http://nedhickson.com/2013/11/01/regular-writing-can-shape-your-literary-thighs/). While I think this advice has more to do with Ned’s personal preferences than serious advice, the underlying advice is sound. Fortunately, a few others were a little more specific. For example, the Dysfunctional Literate talks about writing on a variety of topics (http://dysfunctionalliteracy.com/2013/10/13/5-rules-for-writing-every-day/).

What no one tells me, though, is what to write about if I really don’t have anything interesting going on in my life. Looking around, I see that some people do short stories/novellas. Since most of my (limited) spare time is spent with literature (yes,that stuff you hated reading in high school) and magazines such as National Geographic and Smithsonian, I am going to guess that my tastes in reading/writing are probably not the key to gaining more readers.

There seem to be a lot of advice columns out there. I could probably do that if I really knew anything about anything. My brain is more like Trivial Pursuit –  lots of cool facts without a lot to tie them together. I guess that hasn’t really hurt some of the people I have seen in the newspapers.

There are a lot of cooking blogs. Unfortunately, most of my cooking comes from looking around the kitchen and seeing what we have. I don’t know what it will taste like until I’m done. When I’m done, I have no way to recreate it because I didn’t measure anything and don’t really remember what I put in. I worry that there might be some kind of legal issue if I accidentally poison a stranger (no, it hasn’t happened at home).

I could write about my family. Only problem is that the humans would quit speaking to me and the cats can’t be counted on to be amusing. I could write poetry, but it really stinks. I could make fun of current events, but most of them succeed just fine doing it themselves. Same for politics. I could write about travel, except I don’t go anywhere. I don’t do photography. I draw a little, but how many plant drawings would people want to look at?

I TOLD you I was boring. Now that I think about it – maybe that has some potential.

2

The Return of Roka Blue

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If I can get raspberries in February in Michigan, why can’t I get Kraft Roka Blue Cheese spread? Or pumpkin-flavored cream cheese spread? Or eggnog? If everybody hates fruitcake, why do we still sell all of that candied fruit? If there are still people out there who like it, why are they only allowed to like it at the end of the year?

A true indicator of the holiday season at Ralph’s is the arrival of the Roka Blue spread. It comes in one of those little 7 oz. glass jars that are so small in diameter that getting out anything past the first inch is a major accomplishment. I usually give those projects to my husband who has much more patience at it than I do. Don’t suggest that I just break the jar. I have dropped it from various heights at work, and the jar is indestructible. It’s easier to break a cream-cheese tub. Trust me.

Anyway, I digress. These spreads come in three flavors: Pimento, Old English, and Roka Blue (oddly, I couldn’t find pimento on the Kraft site). The Pimento and Old English are available year-round. We carry the Roka Blue for about four months around the holidays. Why the difference? Because people like to make blue cheese balls for the holidays. Huh? They also like to make cheddar balls for the holidays, but that doesn’t mean we only carry that part of the year. I can’t remember the last time someone offered me something with pimento as the main ingredient (but I think I was still in grade school). Pimento sells more poorly than either of the other two flavors. The Kraft website carries 20 recipes for Roka Blue and only 8 for Old English. I figure there must be a conspiracy against the blue cheese, keeping it off the shelf. Or parochialism. The “real” bleu cheese gets to stay all year.

The customers who are upset about the absence of blue cheese spread in the summer have kindred spirits with the people who like pumpkin cream cheese. It is an eagerly anticipated October arrival each year. I don’t really understand the attraction. But I don’t understand the attraction of vegetable cream cheese either. If I’m going to eat something as decadent as cream cheese, I don’t want it to taste healthy. It isn’t like the pumpkin industry isn’t doing it’s part to keep it on the shelves. There are recipes for pumpkin pancakes, soups, chili, and lasagne. Canned pumpkin is available all year. But pumpkin can’t seem to break out of the “seasonal food” category.

The one food that appears this time of year to the most fanfare is eggnog. You can’t go anywhere social without someone offering a glass of it. There are recipes for pancakes, cookies, cakes, and other treats. However, if there was ever a product that is associated with Christmas, it’s eggnog. Probably some leftover tradition from the days when people could only afford something that extravagant once a year (back when they actually used eggs and cream to make it – the alcohol continues to be authentic). You never see anyone being kissed under mistletoe in July either. Or having a cup of wassail.

We can’t have chestnuts roasting on an open fire anymore. Most of us don’t have open fires. And most of the chestnut trees were killed by a fungus at the beginning of the 20th century. But that’s OK with me. When I was little, my mother bought some roasted chestnuts from a street vendor. I don’t know whether it was the vendor or the chestnuts, but they were soggy and bitter.

I think marzipan has suffered a similar decline in popularity. My mother’s mother and aunts used to make mountains of marzipan oranges, strawberries, and other fruits. They were absolutely gorgeous. And tasted like bitter almonds. I do not have the time or patience to make something I don’t want to eat. Besides, who would want to eat something that looked like a fur-ball (which is as close as I’d get to making an orange)?

As I’ve been writing this, I realized that I don’t like most of these foods. I love bleu cheese, but think that cheese spread is mutant. I have tried eating various treats over the years and always gagged at the taste of pumpkin even when it wasn’t identified (a major surprise since I love squash and am addicted to sweets). Eggnog contains two of my least favorite food (eggs and milk/cream). I love almonds as a nut, but find them overwhelming in a lot of recipes.

So I’m wondering. Is there a way to make horseradish seasonal and get it out of my coleslaw (where it makes my tongue swell)? How about arugula? Of all the greens in the world, who decided that bitter was needed in salads for diversity? Maybe chocolate-tasting (not chocolate) foods?

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Can You Keep a Secret?

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On Monday, I went into work to discover that a major cheese producer had recalled a large number of products. Something to do with shelf life (yes, that means the possibility of moldy cheese). As a result, there were gaping holes in spots. Additionally we had ended a sale for products made by that same company over the weekend. Normally we get the replacement stock on Monday, but not this week. So – more holes.

As I was bringing out a cart full of cheese, a woman stopped me by calling out from a few feet away, “There’s the person I’m looking for!” (It’s funny how those same words can make you feel appreciated or make you want to run.) She came up and asked me what the deal is with the recall. I told her that it was an issue with the shelf life. She wanted to know if the manufacturer had recalled the products or Ralph’s. I assured her that it came from the company. She leaned in and asked me if I was telling the truth about how much I knew.

She wanted a product that was not on recall, but was out of stock. She told me how “interesting” it was that we happened to be out of stock for the product we had given her a coupon for a few days earlier. It was “obvious” what we were up to. We just wanted to get her (personally) into the store with the promise of something she wanted so we could sell her what we wanted to sell. I was grateful that she explained what we were up to. It was actually a lot more comforting than the thought that the manufacturer was causing us to lose thousands of dollars in revenue by not providing some of our best-selling products.

As I was trying to figure out how Ralph’s could have planned to be out of exactly what she wanted on the one day she was in the store, I wondered if other people go from point A to point B via point Q. I decided that I need to check the Internet. I love the Internet – it’s like statistics: you can prove anything you want by knowing what to do with the data. Unfortunately, unlike statistics people’s thoughts are not always as rational as numbers. I should have known better than to type “cheese conspiracy” into the search engine.

The majority of the early responses were about something called “The Great Cheese Conspiracy” by Jean Van Leeuwen. It’s a very cute story about some mice who try to steal cheese. All of those stories were pretty straight-forward. When I got to the humans, it was a different story (of course). Some (very few) were factual, some were tongue-in-cheek, and a few people should meet my customer.

My favorite was the man who said that Roger Federer lost his edge as a tennis player because of cheese. Apparently after Federer won Wimbledon, someone sent him some cheese as a gift. Being human, he ate the cheese. Because of the high fat content, Federer was unable to perform at his highest level and lost at the Olympics. The cheese gift was an attempt to ruin Federer’s game, and it worked. If you are interested, you can watch at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3x0921YzOY.

Apparently more well-known (from the number of citations), is the Subway Vast Isosceles Cheese Conspiracy from 2007. It seems that Subway was trying to use the triangles to charge more for cheese. If you lay the triangles in a rhombus, you only need one layer of cheese. But if you lay the cheese in a razorback you need two layers of cheese to fully cover the sandwich. So Subway can charge for double cheese.  I’m not sure how well this conspiracy is working. I don’t know how my cheese has been laid out, but when it’s melted it all runs together anyway.

There is a man who feels the British government is forcing restaurants to favor British cheeses over Continental cheeses by having farmers and industries create a wide variety of cheeses that are inferior to those across the Channel. People can then feel they are supporting their own farmers. There are also a fair number of people who humorously claim that large companies have intentionally stopped creating their favorite products (e.g., blue cheese dressing) to cause them emotional distress.

Of course, someone always has to ruin the fun. In 2007 (apparently a big year for cheese theories), a Chicago grand jury indicted four people for trying to ship more than 110,000 pounds of contaminated Mexican-style cheese. They took cheese customers had returned, scraped off the mold and fungus, and resold it wholesale. They were caught creating false documentation after lying to federal agents. I think they might have gotten away with it if they’d used bleu cheese or limburger – it’s really hard to tell whether or not they have spoiled.

I was unable to pin down one final theory. It’s called “The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Conspiracy – the Truth Revealed”. It’s tagged with “think about the animals”. I could get to the video but couldn’t get it to run (maybe the Philadelphia people have blocked it). You can look for it on 30 Bananas a Day – The High Carb Raw Vegan Lifestyle website. It shows 24 views so you can probably still be the first to rate it.

In the meantime, I am going to look for the people responsible for replacing all the chocolate chip ice cream with cookie dough ice cream. I’m sure someone had to be paid off.

 

 

 

 

 

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Not Your Father’s Werewolf

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Grimm Report's avatarThe Grimm Report

wolf-night-howl-first-people

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Paranormal Correspondent, Cathy Behnke
https://cat9984.wordpress.com

Something very scary has been happening at Cape Lawrence. And it may be moving.

One night, the sheriff was called to the scene of a car accident. Apparently the driver had hit some sort of large animal. The front end of the car was badly damaged and covered in blood. The driver was unconscious with deep cuts on his face and neck. In the ambulance he began to rant about a talking wolf attacking him.

Deputies searched the area for the animal. They tracked it into the woods, but lost the trail. They missed the human body a few yards further into the woods. At the hospital, the doctor discovered that the man’s cuts weren’t caused by the accident; they were animal slashes.

As the deputies were driving back to the office, they were stopped by a hysterical…

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13

Cheez Whiz: Love It or Hate It?

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 From the Urban Dictionary:
 
Cheez Whiz
1. Artificial cheese. One chemical away from being seran wrap.
2. Lethal spray cheese it can kill a person if used wrongly.
3. BAAAAAH i looooove ma cheez whizz!!!!! i no i waaaaaaaaaaant it!”cheez whiz, you know you want it!”
4. (a) Essence of pure cheezy goodness; (b) Common anal lubrication; (c) Cause of human suffering (i.e., sexually transmitted diseases).
5.the greatest person the world has ever seen. As in “i like cheese”; “i love cheez wiz, hes the greatest person ever”
 
I could probably stop typing right now and leave you as disturbed as I am by the above definitions. I was actually looking for #1 and #5, but the other 3 were total revelations, so I left them in. I feel so old sometimes. I never would have thought of spray-cheesing someone to death. Imagine the grave marker.
 
But it makes my point. I barely consider Cheez Whiz food, and other people love it.
 
If you have found yourself with a jar/can of it and 1) no longer wish to be able to hear your arteries hardening or 2) no longer need it because your 18-year-old daughter finally dumped her 30-year-old boyfriend, I have found a solution.  Joey Green has written a book: Clean Your Clothes with Cheez Whiz: And Hundreds of Offbeat Uses for Dozens More Brand-Name Products. Even if you didn’t need to know that Cheez Whiz takes out greasy stains (odd – it would seem to also create them), she also says that Baby Magic Baby Powder repels ants and you can make a facial out of Cheerios. You can find the book on Amazon and bookstores (if you can still find a bookstore).
 
Looking through the internet, it appears that the lovers greatly outnumber the haters. I discovered a variety of license plate holders: I LOVE CHEEZ WHIZ, I’D RATHER BE EATING CHEEZ WHIZ, ADDICTED TO CHEEZ WHIZ. Oddly enough, none of these plates have been reviewed. May be the same reason I have never seen one on a car. You can also order a variety of t-shirts, hoodies, caps, and mugs with various Cheez Whiz saying and pictures.
 
In keeping with the slightly perverse uses for Cheez Whiz mentioned above, a person named Vice Chick offers the following products (only 3 of each left):

1950s Ritz Crackers Kraft Cheez Whiz Retro Advertising Double-Sided Cigarette Case, ID Holder, Wallet with RFID Theft Protection –

  • Double-sided case with strong spring-loaded clips
  • Holds 14 credit cards or 16 regular or 100s length cigarettes
  • Also keeps the essentials like condoms, cash
  • Protects against ID Thieves stealing your credit card information!

Kraft Cheez Whiz Vintage Ad Stainless Steel Pill Box: Holds pills, coins, condoms

  • Made in California
  • Stainless Steel
  • Holds coins, vitamins, medication, guitar picks, condoms
  • Compartment insert is removable

Finally, there is Sexual (Deep Dish Cheez Whiz Dub), an MP3 track from Amber.

I’m sure all the Cheez Whiz lovers out there are wondering if I was ever going to get to recipes. Here are two of my favorites (both from the Kraft website):

Cheesy Beer Dip

 What You Need : 1 jar  (15 oz.) CHEEZ WHIZ Cheese Dip; 1/3 cup  beer

MICROWAVE CHEEZ WHIZ as directed on label.

MIX CHEEZ WHIZ and beer in bowl; stir until well blended.

SERVE with pretzels or chips.

 

Transformer Dog

 What you need: 1 pkg.  (1 lb.) OSCAR MAYER Bun-Length Wieners; 1 cup  CHEEZ WHIZ Cheese Dip; 8  hamburger buns, split

PREHEAT grill to medium heat. Slice wieners at 1/2-inch intervals, being careful to not cut all the way through the wieners.

GRILL wieners 6 minutes or until wieners begin to curl and are heated through (160°F), turning after 3 minutes. Meanwhile, microwave the CHEEZ WHIZ as directed on label.

PLACE wieners in buns (curl into circles). Spoon about 2 Tbsp. of the CHEEZ WHIZ into center of each wiener.

 

If you try these recipes and like them, please don’t let me know.

4

Legendary Axe-Man Named Sierra Club Spokesman

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In case you didn’t see this on The Grimm Report:

Grimm Report's avatarThe Grimm Report

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Environmental Correspondent, Cathy Behnke
https://cat9984.wordpress.com

Late yesterday, the Sierra Club issued a press release stating that its new spokesman is Paul Bunyan, the noted lumberjack. The notice stated, “Mr. Bunyan’s role will be to interact with logging and mining companies regarding the importance of conservation. We are confident that those companies will be more comfortable working with someone from a similar background. Initially, he will be representing the Sierra Club in negotiations regarding dams on the Snake River. Mr. Bunyan has the unique perspective of having created several dams himself during his career as a lumberjack.”

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0

You WILL be Friendly

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One of the first meetings I attended at Ralph’s was a “Friendly Meeting”. I sarcastically asked whether they were going to teach us how to be friendly.  As it turns out, that would have been a lot more useful than what actually happened. The store director began by telling us that since we can’t compete on price, we need to succeed on customer service. It appears that after cutting staffing as far as possible, taking away merit raises, and putting a cap on the number of automatic increases an employee can receive in any position, they were still losing customers based on price. So they decided to do something radical: be nice to the customers.

There are a few rules: smile and say hello to everyone, ask whether you can help them find anything, and never (ever, ever) point them in the right direction. You must always take the customer to the item they are looking for. Some customers take well to an employee saying hello at 6am; others give a look that says, “If I wanted to talk, I wouldn’t be here at 6am”. Nobody said anything about how to handle the people who take it as an invitation to start a lengthy discussion about their eating habits and why they only eat “x” type of foods. But I’m friendly so….

At the beginning it was easy to not point people in the right direction; I didn’t know where it was either. As time went by, I learned that people don’t necessarily want someone walking them to the item (I would hate it). They want information, not a shopping partner. A few even got offended by the idea: “I can find it myself.” (If that were true, why are you asking?) Now the only people I take are the ones who still look confused after I’ve explained where it is multiple times. They are always very sweet and say something along the lines of “Thank you so much – I never would have found it without you.” There really isn’t any way for me to answer other than “thank you” without sounding unfriendly.

We have meetings every quarter to discuss how friendly we are. Last year, all was well. We consistently met or exceeded our target. We all got cards that entered us in a drawing for a $25 gift card. (How’s that for motivation?) We must have gotten complacent because this year, disaster struck. In late spring we found out that our customers were not at all happy, and that we were 15 points below company standards friendly-wise. We had to fix the problem!

It was also at this meeting that we learned that there are actually 4 pieces to the “friendly score”: checkout friendly, floor friendly (that’s where I am), store cleanliness, and product availability. As it happened, the checkout was 10 points above target and the floor was 15 points over. The two problem areas were store cleanliness and product availability. Nobody stated the obvious: the employees at the meeting were doing fine; somebody needed to tell those wilting veggies to get their act together.

As usual in the world of Ralph, anything that might impact management’s bonus or tenure was a crisis. Over the next couple of days, we would get messages over the speaker system: “Our friendly score is X; remember to be friendly!” Every hour or so they would update the number. The customers must have thought we were nuts. All the while, the floor had streaks and the strawberries grew moldy.

I’m really not sure whether the situation improved or another crisis has arisen, but friendly is not the focus. At the last meeting, we talked about the United Way campaign. Why not? It has as much to do with me being friendly as the black marks on the floor.