The New Gnu News

January 4, 2025 | cat9984

Terms of Venery: Whence the Wildebeest: An Implausibility of Gnus

Welcome. My name is Isina, and I would like to welcome you to The New Gnu News. You may remember that we had to shut down The Gnu News several months ago after our founder and editor-in-chief, Clive Attlelon, was attacked and carried off by a pack of wild dogs. After much deliberation, we decided that we wanted to carry on with the paper in Clive’s memory,.

Here are some recent events from around the savanna:

Frolicking Giraffe and Baboon, Arusha National Park, Tanzania (Giraffes, Baboons) – Melissa Groo

Giraffes on Patrol – On the far west side of the savanna, giraffes are starting to take action against the large cats that are their natural predators. The giraffes have joined forces with local baboons. The plan is to have the baboon ride the giraffe and throw things (possibly fruit at the cats to scare them office. Training is almost complete, with the teams set to ride by the end of the month.

Lion Conservation & Endangered Status ...

Big Cat Entente – With the humans continuing to encroach on hunting land, the big cats are putting their heads together to see if they can put their natural instincts aside long enough to figure out how everyone can keep eating. The cats say that rumors of eating a human once in a while to ease the crowding was never seriously considered. There continues to be discussions around the possibility of relocating some of the jackals and hyenas. Talks are ongoing.

All you need to know about zebras, from where they live and why they migrate to the mystery behind their stripes | Discover Wildlife

Teen-Age Zebra Angst – Zebra parents are getting worried. The latest trend on zebra social media is to dye their coats, so the zebra looks more like a horse. Parents and grandparents are worried about losing zebra identity. The influencers say they will be more popular with both horses and zebras being attracted. Parents say there’s nothing stopping zebras and horses from dating now and that zebras will lose their exotic mystique. Besides the dye is hard on the hair and needs to be done once a month.

FAQ on Africa Antelope - Africa Mammals Guide

Animal Tracking Alert – The popular dating app, Animal Tracking, has admitted that it has been hacked. Someone has been matching wildly incompatible clients. One antelope was horrified to discover she had been matched with a buzzard. The first time they met for drinks, she was horrified to discovered that her date was happily slurping down a brown piece of something. Luckily, she saw him before he saw her. She has blocked the buzzard on the app but is thinking that she should probably just close the account and move to a more herbivore-centric dating site. Remember – always meet in a public place for your first date.

White Rhino | Species | WWF

Rhinoceros Support Group – Are you tired of everyone thinking that you’re a mean, bad-tempered brute looking for a fight just because you’re a large animal with a scary horn on your head? Are you looking for somewhere you can go and not feel like you are frightening everyone? Join us on Tuesday nights either in person or on anima-vision at Rhino-Bro. It’s a totally safe space where you can be you. Let us help you to be proud of who you are.

City of Seattle ITD on X: "Happy International #CatDay ...if only cats had cell phones. Seattle IT is calling on cat lover @KateMGarman to top this photo! https://t.co/5k2kGzMltF" / X

Help Wanted – We’re looking for a few highly-motivated, ambitious interns. You will learn the ins and outs of the financial services industry. Hands-on experience with actual clients. Learn how the banking business really works. You will be expected to meet/exceed goals you set with your advisor. We work hard, and we play hard. If this sounds interesting, click on the link below to get started on your application. This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. The position is unpaid.

What lives on the savanna? - Q-files - Search • Read • Discover

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

New Year’s Resolutions, Cat-Style

December 28, 2024 | cat9984

Greetings. Snoops here. Apparently humans do something called Making New Year’s Resolutions this time of year. I don’t really understand why Wednesday is going to be a different year from Tuesday. I think it has something to do with using up all the pages on the calendar.

Of course, cats are perfect so we don’t need to make promises about exercising every day or drinking less coffee. And some cats are less perfect than others; they just can’t see where they need to improve. So we decided to help each other identify slight flaws that could be worked on. Each cat came up with one suggestion for every other cat.

Angel

Gypsy: You still need to apologize for all the food you stole from me when we were together in the sunroom. You could offer to share your food with me.

Onyx: You seem to be spending a lot of time on my human’s lap. I think you should resolve to spend more time finding somewhere else to lounge.

Sgt Stripes: You were really nice to me. We even hunted together. I think you should try harder to play with me. I think we could be buddies.

Snoops: I like you best of all the invader cats. But I don’t like to eat all of my food at the same time the way you guys too. You could try not to eat my scraps until you find out if they really are scraps.

Gypsy

Onyx: You should stop sleeping in the plants. You smell like dirt.

Sgt Stripes: You’re my favorite of the invader cats. You should spend more time with the rest of us. We could be best friends and spend lots of time playing.

Snoops: You seem really nervous a lot of the time. You should find something that will help you relax. Maybe some catnip tea.

Angel: You need to get over what happened in the sunroom. And stop trying to steal my breakfast.

Onyx

Sgt Stripes: You kinda seem to have a bad attitude. Like you think you’re better than the rest of us. Maybe you should try meditation or something.

Snoops: You kinda mess up the rhythm of treat time. Maybe you should try flavors other than dairy. Mom always has to get out a separate bag for you.

Angel: You think you’re better than we are because your human came with us. You could willingly share her once in a while.

Gypsy: You seem a little arrogant. You should try hanging out with the cats sometime, not just with your human.

Sgt Stripes

Snoops: I am the empress kitty here. Quit pouncing on me.

Angel: You’re a really nice kitty. I like it when you just hang out with us. You should try to get your exercise somewhere else.

Gypsy: We were buddies when we were both upstairs. You should try to do more shared naptimes. It’s cold now. Work on getting a cuddle buddy.

Onyx: I don’t really know you. Maybe you could stop eating all those revolting flavors of treats so they only buy the good ones.

Snoops

Angel: I think you should resolve to find a new napping buddy now that Kommando is gone. I volunteer to be your new partner.

Gypsy: You seem to be really tense sometimes, just like me. I think you need to find a new napping spot. And maybe take some vitamins.

Onyx: I don’t think you understand my esteemed position in my previous household. I think I am due more respect here.

Sgt Stripes: You need to chill out and relax. Sometimes you look and sound really mean.

Free New Year Clipart - New Year Graphics

Christmas Toy Delivery – The Yaks’ Perspective

November 30, 2024 | cat9984

Pets and Packing – Firebird Farms

Zafir Yak was sitting in the employee lounge of Beasts of Burden (BOB) Local 687, a part of Yak Express. He was watching the news on the television when a story about Santa’s reindeer came on.

Reporter: Tell us about what’s going on in Santa’s Workshop this time of year.

Comet: It’s the busiest part of the year for us. Santa’s getting requests from children all around the world. He has to make sure that all of the good boys and girls get what they want.

Santa Claus using a laptop computer while sitting at desk on dark blue background | Premium AI-generated image

Reporter: Does he have a system to keep it all straight? That’s a lot of toys.

Dancer: Computers have really helped him keep things organized. He has up-to-the-minute access to which toys are most popular. Elves are working around the clock to make sure everyone gets what they asked for.

Reporter: What are the reindeer doing right now?

Dasher: We are doing training runs. We have to be perfect by Christmas Eve.

Reindeer Are Not a Christmas Photo Prop

Reporter: It is amazing that eight reindeer can carry all of those toys. How do you build up the stamina for that? After all, it’s the only day of the year you actually work. How do you make sure you’re at peak performance?

Comet: It’s the only day the humans see us. We’re working all year. The eight of us are professionals. We are in peak shape all of the time. Christmas Eve is the day of the hard work pays off. We deliver millions of toys on one night. And we have to make sure that they are all in the right pace. It’s a lot of work to be one of Santa’s reindeer. We are an elite unit.

A large furry yak is lying in the snow The yak has its mouth wide open and is laughing | Premium AI-generated image

Zafir’s friend Sandy starts laughing.

Sandy: Can you believe that goofball? Acting like they are the only ones ensuring that every child gets their toy.

Zafir: They already talked about Santa and the elves.

Sandy: But they haven’t said a word about the Yaks’.

Zafir: They may not have gotten to us yet.

Mitchell: They never get to us.

A group of yaks standing together | Premium AI-generated image

Sandy: He’s right. We’re supposed to be a secret. We’re part of the “magic.”

Benji: But that’s going to change this year. Pretty soon everyone will know who we are.

Zafir: What’s happening this year?

Benji: Beasts of Burden has a contract with the North Pole. It lists all of the jobs we are responsible for. It also says how much we get paid and what other benefits we get. Like vacation and sick time.

Sleeping Reindeer – The Cairngorm Reindeer Herd

Leopold: Someone got a hold of the reindeer contract. They get two months vacation and unlimited sick time each year. They also have private gyms and on-site cafeterias.

Benji: Our contract was up a couple of months ago. We’re working without a contract right now. But that isn’t going to last until Christmas.

Leopold: Our President, Max Yak, has sent a letter to the North Pole. He has told them that either they agree to some of our demands, or he will tell everyone just how involved Yaks’ are with Christmas.

UNESCO to present Tibetan Yak Dance as Chinese intangible cultural heritage - Tibetan Review

Zafir: You mean like how we’re the ones who take the toys to depots around the world where the reindeer can pick them up for local delivery?

Sandy: And the reason Santa is so fast is that he doesn’t actually carry the toys in his sleigh?

Benji: And a few more of Santa’s logistical shortcuts.

Zafir: But then it won’t seem so magical.

Benji: Even worse, if we don’t get a living wage, we’re gonna go on strike. Those reindeer can find out exactly how much work we do for them.

Yak - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Next week: Will the yaks strike?

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

Cheeseland ManCat Roundtable

October 19, 2024 | cat9984

Greetings everyone! It’s me Sgt Stripes. You are all aware of the problems I’ve been having getting along with the lady cats in the house.I decided to get together with some of the male cats in Cheeseland to see if they had any advice. I invited several to the Curdled Cow Tavern for a bowl of cream.

Sgt Stripes: Hi guys! Thanks for coming. I’m trying to figure out the best way to get along with the ladies in my house.

Tigger Tiger: You better be careful. You know the ladies can be a little moody. You need to make sure that you’re not making a move on one of their “off” days.

Sgt Stripes: What kind of move would I be making?

Dexter: Here, watch me.

Understanding Feline Behaviour: Why Do Cats Hiss Explained

Dexter approaches a beautiful Manx sitting at the bar. Sgt Stripes can’t quite hear what he’s saying. The Manx turns to Dexter and hisses. Dexter slinks back to the table

Sgt Stripes: I appreciate the effort, but I already know how to get them to hiss at me. I want to be friends and snuggle buddies. Maybe share an electric blanket.

Tigger Tiger: As I was saying, you have to pick a day when the lady is in a good mood.

Sgt Stripes: Well, there are four of them. I would think that at least one of them would be in a good mood on any given day. How can I tell?

Bobby: Try to walk up casually and start a conversation. Don’t get too close. That really upsets lady cats.

Sgt Stripes: What do I talk about?

Bobby: Watch me.

trivia | Adventures in Cheeseland

Bobby approaches a small cat who is standing by herself. He asks her if she lives nearby, and she nods. He asks her if she’s been to the tavern before. She starts into a long explanation of how she was new in town and didn’t have any friends and told him how lovely his friends look. She talks nonstop for several minutes. Bobby looks at the table, hoping someone will rescue him.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know about that. I’m not sure that any of my lady cats would be interested in that kind of conversation. Besides, I already know all that stuff about them. And your friend is beginning to look a little desperate.

Cat Hunting Behaviour - zooplus Magazine

Shawn goes over to order more cream for the table. As he’s waiting, he sees a large moth. He catches the moth in his mouth. Several cats congratulate him on his hunting prowess. Shawn offers his prize to a kitty at a nearby table. She takes it politely, but her boyfriend glares at Shawn who returns to the table with the cream.

Shawn: You see, Stripes? Ladies love gifts.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t think that would work for me. Snoops is a better hunter than I am. And I don’t think the rest of them really understand what to do with a fresh mouse. I don’t really have that killer instinct.

Gavin: You have four ladies in the house? Which one do you want to pair up with?

Sgt Stripes: I don’t really care. I just don’t like being hissed at.

Gavin: Well, who do you want to be the mother of your kittens?

Sgt Stripes (embarrassed): I don’t want to mate with them. I just want them to spend some time with me.

The other cats at the table look at each other and then at Sgt Stripes.

Tigger Tiger: Well this is embarrassing. We thought you wanted dating advice.

Sgt Stripes: Oh, no. I’m perfectly happy being single. Do you have any friendship advice?

Tigger Tiger: I don’t really know how to help you. You just need to be patient. They’ll probably come around eventually.

Sgt Stripes: So playing pounce with them probably won’t make it happen sooner?

Tigger Tiger: That is probably not a good idea.

Sgt Stripes: Rats. Thanks for meeting with me, everyone.

Guess I’ll go home and get some treats. The humans all like me.

Non-Sarge pictures courtesy of Google Images

AIU: Hibernation Havoc, Part 2

September 28, 2024 | cat9984

Autumn Grizzly | Grizzly Bear amongst the fall foliage in Ye… | Flickr

Our Original Poster (OP) wanted to know if he was Unbearable for not wanting his “Woods Bear” brother-in-law (BIL) to move in for the winter hibernation. The brother-in-law Dave had always done a full hibernation in the woods and wants to try a semi-hibernation at OP’s house. You can read the details here.

The Calgary Zoo - Don't let this sleepy bear fool you-... | Facebook

Hi everyone. First I want to thank everyone for their input. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that it wasn’t a debate over which type of hibernation is better. I am very happy with my version of hibernation and have no intention of doing a full hibernation. I understand that bears have been hibernating for generations. I was looking for some input on whether I am wrong not wanting my brother-in-law Dave to have his first semi-hibernation in my house.

Brown bear Siggi at BEAR SANCTUARY Müritz

Dancing Bear_101: NU (Not Unbearable): It’s your house. You need to have a talk with your wife to find a solution you can both live with. Having an overtired house guest for several months is going to leave everyone cranky.

California: bear soaks in hot tub to beat the heat | California | The Guardian

Sarey Beary: Unless you are leaving something out, it doesn’t seem like you are objecting to helping your BIL move into a more (sub)urban lifestyle. You just don’t want his first experience to be miserable for all of you. Doesn’t your wife remember how hard it was for her? NU

OP: Pamela does remember. That’s why she wants to help her brother through his first winter.

talking.

BeckyBruin: YAW (You’re All Wrong). It sounds like you spoke for the household before discussing it with your wife. Your wife shouldn’t be discussing it with her family without involving you. BIL for not accepting “No” as an answers. Your in-laws for getting involved with something that doesn’t really concern them.

Can you see a bear in the winter? – Kodiak Wildlife Products | Bear Spray | Bear Bangers | Wild Life Safety Kits | Bear Bells

Bobbo123: Do you even have room for an extra adult bear? I’m a pretty gentrified bear, and I am definitely grumpier in the winter than the rest of the year. Sometimes there are weeks where I don’t want to do anything but sleep. Other times, I’m pretty much my regular self. Your BIL has no idea how his body is going to adapt.

OP: Space isn’t really the issue. Our son has moved out, and his room is open right now.

Black Bear In The Woods Fine Art Photo Print For Sale | Photos by Joseph C. Filer

ReggaeBear101: NU for not wanting Dave in your house for the winter. YAU (You are Unbearable) for the lack of communication with your wife. This is definitely a situation where you want to decide your position before you give an answer. Question: Have your in-laws ever accused you of being judgmental of their lifestyle before?

OP: Honestly, we don’t see Pamela’s family very often. They are not comfortable coming out of the woods. We have to go there if we want to see them. Pamela video-chats with them regularly.

With more bears in streets and homes of foothill cities, LA County demands action – Daily News

Twiggle: It seems kinda weird to me that this decision seems to have emerged out of nowhere. Did Dave ever say he wanted to be a city bear before? It’s a pretty big step to move away from the woods into someone’s house. Maybe something else is going on with him that you don’t know about?

OP: I don’t think Dave wants to move here. I think he wants to see what a semi-hibernation is like. He doesn’t understand that it takes more than a few weeks of artificial light to make it work.

Don't Wake the Bear!

SugarPop: NU. If Dave wants to try semi-hibernation, he can check with Bears R Bears. They should have a list of places that accept first-time semi-hibernators. He’ll even have staff in case he needs something.

OP: We can mention it to him. I’m not sure he could afford it.

GingerBear: YAU. He’s family. Family helps family.

Genuine Bear Hug, Katmai N.P. (Alaska)

OP: I wanted to update everyone. Pamela and I had a long conversation. She has been missing her family a lot. She really wants to be able to spend some time with her brother. We have a fully finished basement, and I agreed that he could spend the winter there. He’s welcome to be with us as long as he doesn’t get mean from lack of sleep. My guess is that he will be spending most of the winter down there, asleep.

Bear Family Found Hibernating Underneath California Home

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

AIU: Hibernation Havoc

September 21, 2024 | cat9984

Alaska Magazine | A sloth of bears, and other inventive names for Alaska wildlife

The poster has written to the Am I Unbearable (AIU) forum to get some feedback on an issue he is having with his brother-in-law regarding sleeping arrangements for the upcoming hibernation season.

My darling partner Pamela (7f) and I (8m) have been together for several years. We are both successful in our careers. I am the spokes-bear for our local park system and Pamela is a technology whiz who works from home. We are the proud parents of two cubs, one of whom is still at home.

Grizzly bear photographed roaming near downtown Quesnel, B.C. | CBC News

A little background: I come from a very progressive family. We were early adopters of the movement to get bears out of the woods and into structured society. My grandfather was the first bear on the city council. He worked tirelessly to make our home town into a place where all animals could live together in peace.

Cuteness overload: brown bear cubs becoming best buds

I met Pamela during a sit-in protesting the use of “bear spray” by the police department. She was the most beautiful bear I had ever seen. She is a wondrous creature, gentle and soft-spoken. And really smart. I fell in love almost immediately, and we’ve been together ever since.

Pamela’s family still lives in the woods. They are very nice bears, just not interested in anything outside of their own world.

Hibernating bats have similar metabolism to that of hibernating bears

As you probably know, when bears become part of the “civilized” world, we lose some of our “bearness.” Most importantly to this issue is that we don’t do a full hibernation anymore. Because we don’t live outside, our bodies aren’t fully synced with the seasons. It’s more of a grogginess than a full sleep.

A Bedtime Story: How Nature and Nurture Help Grizzly Bears Hibernate | The Maryland Zoo

Pamela’s younger brother Dave has been saying that he really wants to try doing a “semi hibernation.” I’ve explained that he doesn’t really understand what happens. He can’t just choose to not hibernate. He’s lived deep in the woods his whole life.

I didn’t know anything else, so I actually find it kind of weird that Pamela’s family disappears for five to six months every year. The first couple of years, she really struggled with the change. I don’t think Dave has any idea what he’s trying to do.

Angry Bear Pictures | Download Free Images on Unsplash

Here’s where I might be Unbearable. Dave has asked to live with us for the winter. In fact, he wants to move in by the end of the month. He says that living with artificial light will make it easier to not fall into a deep sleep. I told him that I really didn’t want him to use our house as an experiment. Bears can get pretty unpleasant when they don’t get enough sleep.

🔥 This bear has reached peak boredom : r/NatureIsFuckingLit

Pamela said that I should have talked it over with her before I told Dave that he wasn’t welcome. She thinks I’m a hypocrite for saying that I want bears to integrate more into the general population, but when her brother wants to try it I won’t help him. I don’t think Dave wants to integrate; I think he just wants to try something different.

1,000 Kilometers from the Coast, Bears Gorge on Ocean Fish | Hakai Magazine

We don’t eat as heavily in the fall as bears who do a full hibernation. Dave’s been power eating for the past month and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down. I’m not sure he’s going to be able to find enough to eat in town. We have a good pantry, but not enough for a full-grown male bears in hibernation prep.

Bears in the woods

Pamela’s family think that I don’t want Dave here because I look down on “woods bears.” They are saying that if I really think of them as family, I won’t mind having him stay here all winter. I’m more concerned with having a 400-pound grumpy male bear who isn’t getting enough sleep.

So, I’m asking your opinion. Am I Unbearable?

Final Frame: Brown Bear Greeting

Next week – see what the readers think.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

Favoritism Alert: Gotcha Days and Birthdays

September 14, 2024 | cat9984

Greeting fellow felines and their humans. It’s Snoops and I am speaking for the ladies of the house: Angel, Gypsy, Onyx, and myself. We think there is some sexism brewing among the humans. Technically, we should be the stronger team: 6 girls (4 cats and 2 human) against 4 boys (1 cat and 3 humans – two of them very small.) However, that has not been the case.

Last week was Sgt Stripes’ second Gotcha Day, and the two small humans each had a birthday. Toddler A turned four and Toddler B turned three. (Which actually means that Toddler A is no longer technically a toddler.) You should have seen all the fuss!

Toddler A and Toddler B (we will be thinking up new names shortly) had a combined birthday dinner last week. It was homemade macaroni and cheese, which Angel and I enjoyed sharing. Gypsy and Onyx really don’t care for human food. And nothing was provided for them at all. The dessert was an ice cream cake. Angel had a little bit of that, but the rest of us were not interested. It was almost like we weren’t really part of the family.

They got a bunch of presents too. There was only one that we could enjoy. They got a little tent for the living room, and it really is a good place to get away from them. We’re going to have to figure out some way to make it toddler-proof. After all, they got a lot of other stuff that we can’t use. They need to learn that sharing is caring.

Then on Monday, it was Sarge’s Gotcha Day. What a waste! He got a fancy cat-dancer kind of toy. And a treat ball toy that looks like a hamster cage. And some of the new flavor Temptations treats.

Guess what I got for my most recent Gotcha Day? Absolutely nothing. Nobody remembers my Gotcha Day. (Because nobody remembers what day it was.) Same thing for Angel and Gypsy and Onyx. Just because Sgt Stripes was on 9/9, everybody remembers it. Do you think that’s fair? We don’t.

Toddler A and Toddler B never give us stuff. We try to avoid them. Angel used to be buddies with Toddler B. But since he’s moved here, all he does is push her away if she tries to share his food. What good are little humans if they don’t share their food with us? They’re loud and sticky. Wonder when they’re going to turn into real humans?

Sgt Stripes here. I’ve been listening to the ladies’ complaints, and they are not giving the full picture at all. I did get good stuff on my Gotcha Day, but I’ve been sharing with them. Even my special Tasty Human treats. It’s not my fault that the humans remember my Gotcha Day. Maybe we should pick some random day to celebrate the ladies?

Of course, they’re kinda mean to me. Onyx and Gypsy aren’t too bad, but every time I get near Snoops or Angel, they start to hiss at me. Snoops growls and looks mean too. I’m not doing anything to them. Mom says that Angel is just afraid, and Snoops is still mad at me for running after Kommando Kitty when I first got here. I wish they’d get over it; it really hurts my feelings.

And Gypsy’s getting special treatment. We’re not supposed to get near my human brother’s plants, but Gypsy’s started hiding in the big aloe vera he’s growing. They say it’s because she’s sitting near it, not on it. I still think it’s unfair. She spends a lot of time in there. (Probably trying to stay away from Angel. They have some kind of girl thing going on between them.)

Since the house has been opened up, I’m downstairs at breakfast time. I didn’t want to be left out, so I’m starting to eat wet food. Not as much as the ladies, but a little bit. We all eat in the kitchen at the same time. Nobody’s trying to eat anybody’s else’s food. Onyx doesn’t like wet food, but the rest of us get along for that 20 minutes.

I guess it’s a start.

Cheeseland Election: Breaking News

September 7, 2024 | cat9984

Angel Katt: I’m here on the streets of Cheeseland reporting on a late-breaking story. We have received an anonymous tip that Thomas Tabby has been arrested for PUI (prowling under the influence). It would be a clear contradiction to his clean-cut image. Our investigative reporter, Sgt Stripes, is on his way to the police station to try to get to the bottom of the story. In the meantime, let’s talk to some experts on what this might mean to his campaign. First, we have his campaign manager, Elise.

Elise: I haven’t had a chance to talk with Thomas, but there must be some mistake.

Chris Cougar: I’m afraid that the stress may have gotten to Thomas. He has a full-time job, a family, and a full-time campaign. He probably just made a mistake.

Angel: Do you think it will have an impact on his electability?

Why Is Your Dog Giving You The Side-Eye?

Simon Snake: I don’t think there’s any questions about it. If he’s a user, he’s a loser.

Basil Bowser: Absolutely. Nip addicts have no place in our government. I think this will land a fatal blow to that rotter’s limping campaign.

Angel: With all due respect, all polling shows that Thomas is the overwhelming favorite to win.

Basil: Hmmph! You can’t trust polls.

What To Know About Moles in Your Yard

Angel: I’m getting a report from Sgt Stripes. What’s happening down there, Stripes?

Sgt Stripes: The only thing I’ve been able to find out so far is that they definitely picked up a Tabby cat for PUI. But there seems to be a question of who that Tabby cat is.

Angel: What do you mean?

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know how to put this delicately. Umm, this station is employs a fair number of moles. And moles do not have the best vision. Basically they think that all Tabbies look the same. In fact, they confused me with their suspect.

Angel: Don’t they know the cat’s name?

Sgt Stripes: That’s where it gets a little weird. He told them that his name is Thomas Tabby. But I know Thomas, and this guy is not him.

Angel: Maybe it’s a different Thomas Tabby?

Sgt Stripes: He’s telling them that he’s the guy running for office.

Angel: Hang on for a sec, Sgt Stripes. It appears that Onyx may have a piece to the puzzle. What do you have?

Onyx:I found a video on CatTok that I think belongs to that cat.

Angel: What does he say?

Onyx: He says that he has a brother who’s running for office, and he’s set up an epic prank.

Angel: What’s the prank?

Onyx: He says we have to wait and see.

Sgt Stripes: That’s everything? We have to wait? Thomas’s reputation is at stake, and it’s less than two months before the election. He can’t wait for someone to clear this up. We need answers!

Angel: Calm down Stripes. I put our tech guru on it, and he thinks he’s found something.

The Infinite Monkey Theorem Comes To Life : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

Chuck Chimp: I’ve found a recording of our guy talking to somebody about what was going to happen tonight. Listen to this.

Voice #1: My brother thinks he’s so great. He thinks he’s Mr Perfect with his perfect wife and perfect kids and perfect job. Now he thinks he’s gonna be working with the humans. Well, that’s is not going to happen. I’m going to show everyone that he’s not so perfect.

Cats talking Stock Photos, Royalty Free Cats talking Images | Depositphotos

Voice #2: What are you going to do?

Voice #1: Let’s just say that a few nip cocktails and an obnoxious Tabby cat are going to put a crimp in his perfect reputation. Those moles can’t tell one of us from another.

Angel: Where did you get that?

Chuck: You told me to solve the puzzle. I solved the puzzle.

Sgt Stripes: I knew Thomas wasn’t that kind of cat.

Angel: I hope this doesn’t impact him negatively.

Sgt Stripes: Everyone knows that you can’t pick your family. He should be fine.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

Gator Family Wedding: Preparations

August 31, 2024 | cat9984

Stan and Adele invited Uncle Stu and Amanda over for an end-of-summer barbeque. Uncle Stu had been spending most of his time at Amanda’s since he asked her to marry him.

Adele: How is the wedding planning going? Have you set a date?

Amanda: We wanted to do it this fall, but we’ve been having trouble finding a place to hold it.

Uncle Stu: Yeah, my son Vinny wanted us to hold it at the place he works. It’s some kind of fancy resort.

Amanda: It’s very sweet of him, but that place is full of humans. I don’t think the family would be comfortable there.

Suzy: I do not want to party with humans. I’m afraid of them. They make belts and shoes out of us.

Justine: That’s not all humans.

Suzy: You can’t tell good humans from killer humans. We might be feasting on boa burgers and have one of them grab us.

Justine: That’s just silly. But I think I’d rather avoid the resort anyway. It’s too crowded.

Amanda: That’s what we decided.

Uncle Stu: It’s too bad. Vinny could have gotten us a great discount. I was really hoping to have it in Nova Scotia. That’s where Amanda and I first fell in love. And she saved my life.

Amanda: It was really just your tail that needed saving.

Uncle Stu. Good thing too. I’m rather fond of my tail.

Adele: That seems like a long way away. And it gets pretty cold there in the fall.

Uncle Stu: That’s the problem.

Amanda: Stu’s doctors told him that if he gets his tail cold again, they probably couldn’t save it.

Justine: So Nova Scotia is out.

Uncle Stu: Unless I could get some of my bear friends to help.

Suzy: I’m afraid of bears too. Don’t they eat alligators?

Stan: I don’t think so, honey. We don’t really see many bears in gator country. And they are very civilized.

Amanda: I said that I didn’t want to take a chance on Stu’s tail. So Nova Scotia’s out.

Uncle Stu: There was a nice place not too far from where I live in Miami.

Amanda: It’s beautiful. On the beach, with a great view of the ocean.

Adele: That sounds lovely. Was it too expensive?

Amanda: Not really. The problem was actually the staff.

Adele: What do you mean? Were they not well trained?

Uncle Stu: Well, it’s a little embarrassing. The staff is mainly flamingos and other birds.

Stan: What does that have to do with anything?

Uncle Stu: Maybe you don’t remember, but there are a few members of the family who find poultry rather delicious. And since we will be having fermented fruit juice as part of the refreshments, we don’t want anything inappropriate happening.

Amanda: That would be a terrible stain on the memory.

Justine: And probably illegal. That would be awful.

Uncle Stu: We thought about going to Hawaii and having a luau with a pig roast.

Amanda: But it would be ridiculously expensive to get everyone there.

Uncle Stu: I like the idea of a pig roast. Maybe we could use one of those wild hogs that are causing so much trouble in Florida.

Suzy: Like the one we had at the family reunion a few years ago. It was delicious.

Amanda: That might be fine for the dinner, but we need to find someplace to get married.

Uncle Stu: I know, sweetheart. I got carried away thinking about the food.

Suzy: It would be really romantic to get married on the beach.

Justine: Ooh, that would be beautiful.

Amanda: I like that idea!

Uncle Stu: Okay, but how do we find a beach? Are we talking ocean or any sand next to some water?

Amanda: You’re so silly. Ocean, of course.

Stan: You should talk to Granny Gertie. She knows a lot of interesting animals. She probably has a friend somewhere who could help you.

Uncle Stu: You’re right. My sister seems to know everyone in southern Florida. I’ll call her when we get home.

Suzy: I can hardly wait!

Pictures created with Canva AI Picture Generator. (We will probably not be using it again until we are better at it.)

Sgt Stripes, Therapist Extraordinaire

August 24, 2024 | cat9984

Hi everyone! It’s Sgt Stripes here. Today, I’m going to show you what one of my therapaw sessions looks like!

Many of you know that I provide emotional support for Blondie (and the other humans in the house). But recently, I expanded my services to support outside animals as well. I’ve decided to show the transcript of one of my recent patients, Rebecca Rabbit. (She has signed a consent form.)

Sgt Stripes: Rebecca, welcome to my office! It is so nice to meet you. What can I help you with?

Rebecca: Hi, Dr. Stripes. I appreciate you seeing me. I feel depressed. And sort of like I’m being watched all the time. I hope you can help me.

Sgt Stripes: I would love to help you! Why do you think you’re depressed?

Rebecca: Well, I feel really tired. I have no energy, nor do I have a desire to do anything.

Sgt Stripes: Oh, that’s normal. I sleep for up to 16 hours a day! What else makes you think you’re depressed?

Rebecca: I feel sad a lot. I can’t stop worrying about the potential carrot shortage that comes with the winter.

Sgt Stripes: Well, I’d be upset too if I had to eat carrots and veggies. You should try vole. Or ice cream. They’re delicious!

Rebecca: Uh… I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I’m more of a vegan.

Sgt Stripes: Okay, yeah, I’d be really depressed if I were a vegan.

Rebecca: Um… okay, well, I also feel like I don’t accomplish enough.

Sgt Stripes: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Just use your good looks and charm to get you through life. Now, I know you mentioned feelings of paranoia. Can you go deeper into that?

Rebecca: Yes. It’s the oddest thing. We just had a family of coyotes move in next to us, and I swear I overheard them discussing a recipe for rabbit pie. And I think the dad watches our every move. I always catch him staring at me and my family.

Sgt Stripes: Well, can you blame them? You do look rather delicious.

Rebecca: That’s not helping!

Sgt Stripes: Sorry, sorry. Please continue.

Rebecca: My mom tried to encourage me to be friends with the baby coyotes, but they keep talking about a chasing game. And I don’t like being chased. I’d rather go berry picking.

Sgt Stripes: Ooh, we could play Pounce! I love Pounce!

Rebecca: NO! No, thank you. I’m not really sure if this is going to work out…