Tag Archives: yaks

16

Yak Express Returns

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Yak - Wikipedia

Today, we are behind the scenes at Yak Express, as they try to process the overload of post Christmas returns they’re getting.

How to Clean a Cat Tree in 11 Simple Steps - Catster

Borris: “Man, everyone and their grandmother must have bought a Deluxe Kitty Condo: 3 Levels of Pawsome!”

Zack: “Except it’s not so pawsome. This is the 5th one I’ve returned. 

Borris: “I wonder what’s wrong with them?”

Husky takes over cat tree

Zack: “The first one said it wasn’t plush enough. Then one said it smelled like a dog. This one, the color isn’t soothing enough.”

Borris: They were heavy enough to deliver when they were properly packaged. This is just miserable.

Steen: “At least yours is all in solid pieces. I just had an exploding nip mouse explode all over me. It’ll take days to get my hair back to normal again.”

Somebody loves the fuzzy blanket : r/cats

Borris: “Maybe you could hang out with the cats that are returning their kitty condos. It sounds like they need to relax.”

Steen: “And don’t even get me started on the food returns! Mackerel, tuna, liver… all of it smells disgusting. And it comes in those heavy tin cans. 

Zack: “Notice no one is returning the plush blankets or fuzzy robes. Those were easy to travel with- and comfortable.”

Borris: “Come on, I had one returned!”

Steen: “Yeah, because the cat who had it hacked a hairball up and couldn’t get the stain out. That’s disgusting.”

Borris: “I’d say the worst for returning are the soaps and perfumes. The scent always makes me gag. And it lingers on my hooves.”

Zack: “That’s true. No one ordered “grassy fields”. They’re all weird scents, like “vanilla cinnamon” and “lush cotton”

Steen: “It could be worse. I hear some humans like to smell like leather. Who’d want to smell like a cow all the time?”

Borris: “And what about these kitchen appliances! They’re heavy, and my back isn’t as good as it used to be.”

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Steen: Or the exercise equipment! Who decided we were returning weights and treadmills?

Borris: “The stupid thing is, it’s not like the manufacturer is going to resell it. We’re doing all of this work just for these items to end up in the trash”.

Steen: “I agree, it’s stupid.”

Herd of yaks walking on the Everest Base Camp Trekking, Nepal

Borris: “And we don’t ever get overtime pay. I vote we go at our own pace. There’s no need to rush this stuff back. 

Zack: Isn’t that why we got complaints about our Christmas deliveries?”

Steen: “Yeah, but everyone just likes to complain. No one knows how hard it truly is working for Yak Express.”

Zack: “This job isn’t for the old, that’s for sure.”

Steen: “Or the pretty. This is wrecking havoc on my hooves and hair.”

Borris: “I vote that next year, we sell our returns to a third party vendor.”

A cat is sitting next to a clock the cat has its paw on the clock the clock is made of metal and has a white face the cat is looking at

Zack: “Definitely. It’ll be worth a little money to save my back.”

Borris: “And don’t even get me started on the late deliveries. We always get the blame, but it’s not our fault they chose not to order in time!”

Steen: “It just keeps coming and coming… it’ll never end.”

 

Pictures courtesy of Google Images and ChatGPT

10

Yak Express in a Changing Economy

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Most Dangerous Yak Bull Meeting Amazing 😍 || Village Animals ||

Boris Yak, head of Yak Express, is holding a meeting with other members of the Yak Express board. This meeting is focused on how the new tariffs have been slowing down business. 

Little yak : r/aww

Boris: “Alright, our profits have dropped nearly 30% this quarter. Does anyone have any idea why?”

Darlene: “Well, the humans have that new tariff in place.”

Oliver: “What on earth is a tariff? Is it yummy?”

The Significance of Yaks for Tibetan People

Darlene: “No, silly, it’s a tax that humans pay. It makes things more expensive.”

Oliver: “Oh. Well, I know humans hate paying more for their luxuries.”

Boris: “That is an excellent point. And now humans have to pay extra for smaller shipments.” 

Yaks at Everest Base Camp and their adaptations to high altitudes

Todd: “That stinks. We yaks mostly transport smaller shipments.” 

Darlene: “We have to. It’s the only way to ensure quality and safety.”

Boris: “Of course. But that would certainly explain the decrease in business.” 

Why Tibetan Yaks are Indispensable in Tibet?

Oliver: “We need to figure out how to offset costs.”

Todd: “Well, I think we need to put a hiring freeze in place. We may even have to discontinue lesser traveled routes.”

Darlene: “We also need to become more selective with the deliveries we take. No more heavy but cheap items.”

VISHAL SINGH على X: "Sad Yaks from Laddakh at Kufri Himachal Pradesh. Especially brought from their homeland for tourists to take pictures on them. Stop this cruelty ! https://t.co/cPcwvoSFQQ" / X

Boris: “Both are excellent ideas. I do hate to say this, but we may need to put some of our less productive yaks on furlough.”

Todd: “Let’s save that as a last resort.” 

Boris: “Of course. In the meantime, let’s do a review of our yaks and our items serviced. We may be able to figure out which ones to get rid of.” 

Himalayan Yak, now a Food animal: FSSAI | India Business and Trade

Darlene: “Well, there’s Petal, who delivers mostly food. I think we need to keep her on.”

Oliver: “There’s Wilbur, who delivers toys and electronics. The humans may be grumpy if we slow or stop his services.”

Todd: “There’s Kendall, who delivers furniture. Seems like an awful lot of work for one yak. I think we can pause Kendall’s route.” 

Silent soldiers of the extreme, or why I'm glad I'm not a wild yak

Boris: “We also have Sam, who delivers luxury items like tuna and heated beds. Clearly, we need to keep him on, or there will be riots”. 

The yaks continue to discuss routes. Finally, they’ve made their decisions on who to cut.

Boris: “Alright yaks, I think we’ve done a good job today. Does anyone have any closing thoughts? 

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The other yaks shake their heads. They’re all ready for the meeting to be over.

Boris: “Alright! Let’s go and have a nice bowl of steamed grass!”

A yak is eating hay from a bowl. Yak eating hay. - PICRYL - Public Domain Media Search Engine Public Domain Search

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

20

Yak Express: We Don’t Do That

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Loaded Yak, Mount Everest, Tibet

Today we are listening in on a customer phone service experience with Borris, representative of Yak Express, and Muffin, an unhappy customer. 

Cute Animals: Funny Cat with Cell Phone

Borris: “Thank you for calling Yak Express. This is Borris. May I please get your name, and order number?”

Muffin: “Hi, my name is Muffin, order number is C1029. 

Borris: “Thank you. I see this is regarding your Fish in a Bowl, is that correct?”

Footprints of the yak: The man who has spent four decades preserving Sikkim's lifeline

Muffin: “Yes” 

Borris: “How may I help you today?”

Muffin: “I am very displeased with your service, and I demand a full refund on my shipping!” 

Kitten Watching Fish in a Bowl with Amusement. Art Prints from Ardea

Borris: “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask what the issue is?”

Muffin: “I paid for same day delivery, as I intended to play with my meal, then eat it. This cost me a whole silvervine stick! However, your stupid delivery yak didn’t get me my fish in a bowl for 2 whole days!” 

Borris: “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Were you given a reason for the delay?”

Wild Yak Wallowing in the Mud - YouTube

Muffin: “He claims that the mud was too deep from the recent rains to get through. What sort of yak can’t plow through a little mud?”

Borris: “I see. Unfortunately, he is correct, for the safety of our yaks, if there are excessive or extreme conditions, we prohibit them from delivering”. 

Muffin: “That is unacceptable! By the time my fish in a bowl arrived, he was belly side up, and no fun to play with at all!” Cat angry store

Borris: “I understand your frustration. I can definitely offer you a refund on your silvervine stick.” 

Muffin: “What about my fish in a bowl? Are you going to replace that?” 

Borris: “I don’t see how that would be possible. We’re Yak Express, not Fish ‘R’ Us.” 

Cat Hissing: Everything You Need to Know | Great Pet Care

Muffin: “Exactly! Express! And you didn’t deliver expressly! And now I’m out a fish in a bowl! I demand you replace my fish in a bowl!”

Borris: “If you order a new fish in a bowl, we’ll be happy to ship it, free of charge. Unfortunately, we can not physically provide the fish in a bowl”. 

Muffin: “Well, you’re just useless, aren’t you”?

MJ constantly drinks water out of the fish bowl until she can pet the fish. She never hurts the fish, just wants to pet. : r/shittyaquariums

Borris: “Sorry, I’m not sure what you want me to do.” 

Muffin: “I want you to get me a new fish in a bowl!” 

Borris: “I can see this is going nowhere. I will refund your silvervine stick, and it will be delivered to you via Yak Express same day shipping. You should receive it by 5:00 tonight.” 

The yak is an imposing giant of the high mountains

Muffin: “And my fish in a bowl”? 

Borris: “I’m sorry, you’ll have to go through the retailer for that.” 

Muffin: ‘Ugh! I hope all of your naps get interrupted”. 

Borris: “Thank you for calling Yak Express. Please call us back if you have any shipping needs. Have a fur-tastic day”!

Why Tibetan Yaks are Indispensable in Tibet?

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

20

Letters to the Easter Bunny

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The Unusual History of the Easter Bunny | Easter Traditions

A couple of weeks before Easter, Santa Claus stopped by the Easter Bunny’s main burrow on Easter Island. He was amazed to see that it was almost as busy as his workshop at Christmas.

Santa: Goodness. This place is really hopping!

Easter Bunny: If that’s supposed to be a joke, this is not a good time. We are really busy getting ready for the big day.

Santa: What are you talking about? Christmas isn’t for another eight months.

Welcome to Santa Claus Village | Arctic Circle, Rovaniemi Lapland

Easter Bunny: Do you live in a cave the rest of the year? Easter is only fifteen days away!

Santa: Surely it can’t be that hard painting a few eggs to ship around the world.

Easter Bunny: No. Seriously. Do you not pay any attention to anything after Christmas?

Santa: Well, I usually take the whole crew to a small island off Denmark for a few weeks after Christmas. Just to chill out after the rush.

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Easter Bunny: So you have no idea how crazy things get around here in March and April?

Santa: I try to ignore social media. There’s a lot of negativity out there.,

Easter Bunny: I meant do you pay any attention to current events?

Santa: Not really. Humans depress me.

Easter Bunny: I can understand that. But Easter’s a lot more popular with the animals than Christmas.

Santa: That can’t be right. I’m beloved everywhere.

The Stick Monster (New Bunny Toy Idea)

Easter Bunny: Really? Listen to this.

Pulls out a letter and reads: Dear EB, I am so excited to see you, I can hardly wait. I never knew there was a big bunny who gives out presents. I’ve been a good bunny. Please bring me some new sticks to chew on and some alfalfa. We are leaving a treat for you outside the door.

Santa: Boy, he’s gonna be disappointed when all he gets are eggs.

Easter Bunny: What do you mean? I give out treats too.

Santa: I don’t think grass and sticks are really treats. What about the toys?

How to Play With a Kitten | Small Door Veterinary

Easter Bunny: Here’s another one.

Dear Easter Bunny: Mama says that you bring treats to all of the good girls and boys, not just bunnies. I’m a little kitty. Would you please bring me a toy with a bell in it? Thank you, Maggie

Santa: You don’t really deliver that type of thing do you?

Easter Bunny: Of course I do. I have Easter magic the same as you have Christmas magic.

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Santa is looking over the Easter Bunny’s list of deliveries.

Santa: Why don’t I know most of these names? Who are these children?

Easter Bunny: They’re not children. They’re small animals. I only deliver Easter baskets to the humans. My special orders are all young animals.

Santa: Why don’t they ask me for toys? Most animals like toys.

Easter Bunny: A lot of them are afraid of you.

Laughing santa claus cartoon Royalty Free Vector Image

Santa: How is that possible?

Easter Bunny: You are a very large human with a very loud voice. That’s scary to a lot of small animals.

Santa: Hmm. I never thought about that.

Easter Bunny: And you are on television and in stores. Most animals steer clear of human activities.

Santa: That’s probably smart.

Yak | Wild Ox of Asia, Himalayas & Tibet | Britannica

Easter Bunny: Besides, animals don’t have any use for most of what you bring at Christmas. You’re too human-centric.

Santa: That might be true. How do you get all of this done by Easter?

Easter Bunny: I have rabbits and hares all over the world to help. And if it’s too remote, we use Yak Express.

Santa: I like them. Very dependable.  I guess I’ll leave you to your work. Maybe we can get lunch after Easter.

Easter Bunny: Sounds good to me.

Cute Cats All Dressed Up For Easter (15 Photos)

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

13

Christmas Toy Delivery – The Yaks’ Perspective – Part 3

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Project Himalaya | Our yak photo gallery

Where we are: It’s almost Christmas, and Santa is worried. For years, his ability to deliver toys around the world on Christmas Eve has been credited to Christmas magic. In reality, he and the reindeer are magic, but they get a lot of help storing the toys locally by using the services of Yak Express. In reality, Beasts of Burden (BoB), a unionized subsidiary of Yak Express, has a contract to get the toys to worldwide staging areas for the reindeer to pick them up on Christmas Eve.The yaks do a lot of the work, and the reindeer get all the glory. The yaks are ready to go on strike if they don’t get some recognition. You can read parts 1 here and 2 here.

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The two sides are meeting with an arbitrator to find some common ground. Both sides have been whispering amongst themselves while they wait for the meeting to start. Finally a beautiful Siamese cat walks into the room and looks around.

Santa (whispering): Who is she? I’ve never seen her before. I thought all the arbitrators were elves.

Tibetan Yak colors | yak color patterns | yak images | Tibet images

Zeke, the lead yak negotiator looks pleased. They had been concerned that the elves would be too close to Santa to be impartial. The cat takes a seat at the head of the table.

Cat: Good morning everyone. My name is Nakhon, and I am here to help you come to an agreement regarding changes the yaks would like to make in their new contract. It appears that the two sides are rather far apart after several weeks of negotiation, and the yaks are ready to go on strike.

Angry Santa Claus Images - Free Download on Freepik

Santa: They can’t go on strike. It would ruin Christmas!

Nakhon: Then, I recommend you find a way to make them content. Who will be representing your side?

Santa: It’s my personal attorney, Sylvester SilverBells.

Nakhon: And for the yaks?

Zeke: I am the lead negotiator. My name is Zeke.

Siamese Cat Reading Sun Tzu's 'Art of War' | Stable Diffusion Online

Nakhon: I’ve been looking over the requests that the yaks have made. They seem to be pretty straightforward. Let’s begin with the request for shelter in extreme climates. That seems to be a reasonable request.

Sylvester: We have a concern that building yak centers in remote locations will draw attention to our operation. We don’t want to spoil the magic for all of the boys and girls.

A highland cow sleeping in the evening sun : r/aww

Zeke: We aren’t asking for huge new facilities. Our members would be happy with a warm bed of hay and some grass and water. Too many times, they’ve had to wander around looking for a spot to lie down. We wouldn’t be resting until we had delivered the presents to the storage facility.

Nakhon: That sounds reasonable to me, Mr. SilverBells. You don’t want your yaks to be collapsing from exhaustion, do you? That would be a bigger scandal than someone finding out the reindeer are being helped by yaks.

Young Oregon Farmer Tries To Make A Career With Yaks | Jefferson Public Radio

Sylvester: I suppose you’re right. We’ll find some type of shelter in any location that is more than 20 miles from an existing shelter.

Zeke: We’d also like a an allowance for travel-based expenses.

Nakhon: That was not part of the original request. I will order the two sides to form a committee to deal with that issue.

Zeke (to his team): It was worth a shot.

A yak with long horns walking down a dirt road photo – Free Scotland Image on Unsplash

Nakhon: Moving along. How often do the yaks travel more than 250 miles on a trip?

Zeke:Things are sent all over the globe. Sometimes the yaks have to take boats or trains to get to their destination. It can take several days.

Nakhon: How did you arrive at a bonus every 250 miles?

Zeke: It’s a good way to keep the employee motivated to accept the long-haul routes.

Yak | Took a picture of running Yak near Macherma, Nepal. It… | Flickr

Sylvester: It’s not feasible to give the yaks a bonus every 250 miles. That would be too expensive. Almost every trip is over 250 miles.

Nakhon: It does seem a little overly generous. Perhaps you could work out a bonus that is paid at the end of each trip.

Zeke: We need to make sure that we are rewarding our best performers.

Sylvester: We can work out something based on how quickly and safely the yaks complete a round trip.

Zeke: That sounds reasonable.

New Year's celebrations shelved across the globe as COVID-19 surges, here's who canceled and who hasn't | Fox Business

Nakhon: The final item is paid holidays. Have the yaks been working without any paid holidays.

Zeke: Yes, ma’am

Sylvester: The yaks don’t really need paid holidays. Their work is seasonal.

Zeke: We have to be available whenever Santa wants us.

Reindeer (Caribou) | San Diego Zoo Animals & Plants

Nakhon: Do the reindeer have paid holidays? Their work is also seasonal.

Sylvester: That’s different. They don’t get Christmas off.

Zeke: No, but they are paid for New Year’s Day and Easter. And they get paid vacations.

Nakhon: Would these holidays interfere with the service Santa requires?

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Sylvester: The Winter Solstice is during our busy season.

Zeke: We can do without that, this time.

Nakhon: I think that’s everything. Do we have an agreement?

Zeke: I have to let the members vote on it, but I think it’s an agreement.

Sylvester: We agree.

Santa: Wonderful! Now let’s get back to work. It’s almost Christmas.

About 1 — YAK VANS

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

9

Christmas Toy Delivery – The Yaks’ Perspective – Part 2

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Large hairy yak carrying load close up, 2023

Where we are: The yaks who are part of the Beasts of Burden (BoB) union are currently working without a contract.They are the key to Santa’s logistical network doing the behind-the-scenes present delivery to Santa’s depots all over the world. The reindeer “last-mile” delivery on Christmas Eve is only possible because of the yaks’ hard work. The yaks are never mentioned because Santa feels it would take away some of the magic from Christmas. You can read about it here.

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The yaks’ contract with North Pole management expired in the middle of September. They have been working hard since then without a contract. The yaks are asking for more money in the form of a per-mile bonus, shelters and food in some of the more remote areas, and six paid holidays. Currently the yaks are paid an hourly rate with no other benefits.

Santa is getting nervous. He sets up a meeting with Herman Hoover, his accountant.

Dog accountant Pets with jobs | Premium AI-generated image

Santa; Herman, I just got a letter from Max Yak. He’s the head of the BoB. He says they’re going on strike if we don’t meet their demands for a new contract. Did you know about this?

Herman: Actually, I did. I’ve been talking with them for several weeks. Their requests are outrageous. They want us to build shelters for them if they have to deliver to the desert or the Arctic circle. That was part of the advantage in hiring yaks; they can adapt to almost any weather.

Yak | Wild Ox of Asia, Himalayas & Tibet | Britannica

Santa: They do a lot of work for us. It seems reasonable that they would need a place to rest once in awhile.

Herman: But what if someone finds out that they’re in the area on official North Pole business? It’s not as if a yak with a hundred Christmas presents is a common sight. We’re trying to get them in and out as quickly as possible. Next thing you’ll know is that they will want us to provide trains so they can travel in comfort.

Yak in a flat cap with a knapsack riding a train on Craiyon

Santa: They didn’t say anything about trains. I think that would be unreasonable. Definitely no trains.

Herman: I didn’t mean they were actually asking for trains. It was just an example of what might be next if we provide shelter.

Santa: What about this request for per-mile bonus. Don’t we already pay them for their travel.

Yak walking on footbridge amidst mountains at Sagarmatha National Park stock photo

Herman: We pay them a decent hourly wage. They want a bonus on top of that for every 250 miles they travel in a year. The bonus would be paid at the end of the year. It’s a ridiculous request. Their entire job is to travel; why would we pay them extra for doing the job they were hired to do?

Santa: Do we give the reindeer a holiday bonus?

Herman: That’s different. They travel the entire globe over a 24-hour period.

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Santa: What holidays do they want to be paid for?

Herman: New Years Day, Lunar New Years Day, Nepalese New Year, Summer Solstice, Winter Solstice, and Christmas.

Santa: They want three new years every year? Why would they want the Nepalese New Year off?

Herman: Yak Express is headquartered in Nepal.

Diamond Painting - Full Round - Christmas Yak(30*30cm)

Santa: It’s getting close to Christmas. We need to make sure the presents can all be delivered.

Herman: Don’t worry, the yaks won’t cancel Christmas. We’ve been working with them for years. They always get a little touchy when the contract needs to be renewed, but they sign in the end.

Santa: I’m not sure. I don’t remember it ever running into December before.

Yaks: The Eco-friendly Giants - A Sustainable Alternative in a Warming World

Santa’s phone rings and he picks it up. He ends the call with “Yes, I understand.”

Herman: What was that about?

Santa: That was Max Yak. If we don’t settle the contract by December 15, they’re going to strike.

How reindeer evolved to be Santa's perfect helper | BBC Earth

Herman: They should have most of the presents delivered by then. The reindeer will have to pick up the slack.

Santa: He also said they would tell everyone how Christmas delivery actually works.We need to fix this, Herman. I want to get the yaks and your team in a room and not leave until this thing is settled.

Every Negotiation is a Different Animal.

Next week: WIll negotiations work to save the magic of Christmas?

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

16

Christmas Toy Delivery – The Yaks’ Perspective

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Pets and Packing – Firebird Farms

Zafir Yak was sitting in the employee lounge of Beasts of Burden (BOB) Local 687, a part of Yak Express. He was watching the news on the television when a story about Santa’s reindeer came on.

Reporter: Tell us about what’s going on in Santa’s Workshop this time of year.

Comet: It’s the busiest part of the year for us. Santa’s getting requests from children all around the world. He has to make sure that all of the good boys and girls get what they want.

Santa Claus using a laptop computer while sitting at desk on dark blue background | Premium AI-generated image

Reporter: Does he have a system to keep it all straight? That’s a lot of toys.

Dancer: Computers have really helped him keep things organized. He has up-to-the-minute access to which toys are most popular. Elves are working around the clock to make sure everyone gets what they asked for.

Reporter: What are the reindeer doing right now?

Dasher: We are doing training runs. We have to be perfect by Christmas Eve.

Reindeer Are Not a Christmas Photo Prop

Reporter: It is amazing that eight reindeer can carry all of those toys. How do you build up the stamina for that? After all, it’s the only day of the year you actually work. How do you make sure you’re at peak performance?

Comet: It’s the only day the humans see us. We’re working all year. The eight of us are professionals. We are in peak shape all of the time. Christmas Eve is the day of the hard work pays off. We deliver millions of toys on one night. And we have to make sure that they are all in the right pace. It’s a lot of work to be one of Santa’s reindeer. We are an elite unit.

A large furry yak is lying in the snow The yak has its mouth wide open and is laughing | Premium AI-generated image

Zafir’s friend Sandy starts laughing.

Sandy: Can you believe that goofball? Acting like they are the only ones ensuring that every child gets their toy.

Zafir: They already talked about Santa and the elves.

Sandy: But they haven’t said a word about the Yaks’.

Zafir: They may not have gotten to us yet.

Mitchell: They never get to us.

A group of yaks standing together | Premium AI-generated image

Sandy: He’s right. We’re supposed to be a secret. We’re part of the “magic.”

Benji: But that’s going to change this year. Pretty soon everyone will know who we are.

Zafir: What’s happening this year?

Benji: Beasts of Burden has a contract with the North Pole. It lists all of the jobs we are responsible for. It also says how much we get paid and what other benefits we get. Like vacation and sick time.

Sleeping Reindeer – The Cairngorm Reindeer Herd

Leopold: Someone got a hold of the reindeer contract. They get two months vacation and unlimited sick time each year. They also have private gyms and on-site cafeterias.

Benji: Our contract was up a couple of months ago. We’re working without a contract right now. But that isn’t going to last until Christmas.

Leopold: Our President, Max Yak, has sent a letter to the North Pole. He has told them that either they agree to some of our demands, or he will tell everyone just how involved Yaks’ are with Christmas.

UNESCO to present Tibetan Yak Dance as Chinese intangible cultural heritage - Tibetan Review

Zafir: You mean like how we’re the ones who take the toys to depots around the world where the reindeer can pick them up for local delivery?

Sandy: And the reason Santa is so fast is that he doesn’t actually carry the toys in his sleigh?

Benji: And a few more of Santa’s logistical shortcuts.

Zafir: But then it won’t seem so magical.

Benji: Even worse, if we don’t get a living wage, we’re gonna go on strike. Those reindeer can find out exactly how much work we do for them.

Yak - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Next week: Will the yaks strike?

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

17

Sgt Stripes Interviews Zak the Yak

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Yak Yak Yak. He cant stop talking - isnt he cute : r/Eyebleach

Long-time readers may recall us writing about Yak Express, the delivery service we use in Cheeeland. We’ve been noticing that deliveries are slowing down a bit. We sent Sgt Stripes to find out what is going on. Here is his report’

Greetings! It’s Sgt Stripes here, and I have a rather exciting interview to share with you. 

Back in 2022, Onyx and Thunder illustrated the difficulties in the feline world that the yak shortage presented. I’ve noticed that there is still a rather severe shortage of many goods, so I decided to dig a little bit into the yak world. After much mewling, purring, swiping with claws, and being excessively adorable, I managed to secure an interview with Zak, one of the top managers of Yak Express! 

Sgt Stripes: Zak, thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me! 

Zak: The pleasure is mine, Sarge… may I call you Sarge? Although I have to admit, I wasn’t thrilled when I heard you threatened to harm one of my call center mice.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t think I necessarily threatened any harm on Lunch…

Zak: …her name is Michelle.

Sgt Stripes: Oh. Whoops. Sorry, I had sort of assumed that her name had something to do with her purpose in life. 

Zak: Uh, no. And that’s not the real issue we had, she was more upset that you wanted to use her for something called “Pounce Practice”? 

Sgt Stripes: OH! Oh, no, that was all a big misunderstanding. You see, Pounce is a game! My favorite game, actually. I play it with my cousins Onyx and Gypsy a lot! And with the humans in the house. Everyone loves Pounce! 

Zak: Oh. Well, while I can appreciate that, Michelle saw it as a threat. She feared she may be crushed, and possibly even consumed, if she were forced to play. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh no! I would never hurt anyone. I just get really, really enthusiastic when I play Pounce. Please pass along my apologies to her. 

Large hairy yak carrying load close up, ... | Stock Video | Pond5

Zak: I will do so. So, what can I do for you today?

Sgt Stripes: Well, I don’t mean to come off as rude… but your employees seem to really have gone downhill in quality. I understand that there was a pandemic- and that greatly impacted much of the workforce- but now, as we’re returning to a sense of normality, I notice that we’re still short on a lot of cat merchandise. What’s up with that? 

Zak: Could you possibly list some specific items you’re seeking? I seem to remember signing off on a rather large shipment on Fancy Feast wet food… I had to get my 3 strongest yaks for that one. It set us behind for days. 

Sgt Stripes: Hopefully it negatively affected the dogs and not other cats. 

Zak: I’d have to review my records. 

Sgt Stripes: I’ve primarily noticed a protein shortage. We haven’t been able to find vole anywhere! At first I was heart set on getting whole, fresh voles. Then I decided I would settle for any sort of vole- ground, chunked, frozen, even canned. But there was nothing to be found! 

Zak: Couldn’t you just go hunt some in your yard?

Sgt Stripes: NO! I have PTSD from my days on the street. I want to be able to log onto Mr Google and use Mom’s credit card to order vole directly to my door. Might you know when this will be possible?

Zak: Well, unfortunately, not any time soon. 

Sgt Stripes: What?!? But I’m starving over here! 

Zak: You are?

Sgt Stripes: Yes! And on top of that, we’ve noticed several other shortages: luxury litter boxes, heated beds, extra fluffy blankets… are you meaning to tell me that Yak Express may no longer be able to supplement the needs of felines world wide? 

Zak: Well, not necessarily. However, as I’m sure you know, it’s been a lot rougher starting our economy up than we’d anticipated. We lost a fair number of yaks during the dark years, and there just aren’t that many options for replacements. 

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Sgt Stripes: Can’t you just post on social media that you need yaks and give them some extra grass or something? 

Zak: Not exactly. See, our yaks have to be able to carry at least 200 pounds, walk for up to 30 miles per day, and swim with loads. A lot of the yak applicants are either too small or not physically fit enough to get hired. The illness affected a lot of our yak’s, too, so we had many medical retirements. 

Sgt Stripes: Can’t you just hire the undesirable yaks and give them lighter loads? 

Zak: Unfortunately not. Safety and work regulations prohibit that. 

Sgt Stripes: What if I look really cute and purr at the guy in charge? I’ll even let him play with my elusive red dot! 

Zak: I don’t think that’ll make a difference… 

Sgt Stripes: What if I give head bonks? I’ve been known to knock people over with how powerful they are! 

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Zak: Do you really want to knock over a yak? 

Sgt Stripes: Oh… no, probably not. Darn. But I really, really want my vole back! 

Zak: Well, that’s the other issue. There’s been a lot of rules put into place as to what we are and are not allowed to transport. Living creatures, such as vole and mice, did not make the list due to safety concerns and training requirements. 

Sgt Stripes: I said I’d take canned vole. 

Zak: I’m not sure that’s a common commodity here… but I will make note of it. 

Sgt Stripes: Thank you! But if we can’t fix the vole shortage, could we maybe discuss getting the other items plentifully replenished? 

Zak: Well, I can talk about prioritizing the needs of our feline customers over other customers. However, there have been several complaints about that already…

Sgt Stripes: Eh, it’s okay. They’ll get over it. I really, really need a fluffy blanket. The one I have keeps getting stolen by Onyx and her human. 

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Zak: …noted… However, I’m not willing to make any promises. But I and the other yaks will do our best. 

Sgt Stripes: Purrfect! Meanwhile, I”ll keep my eyes out for suitable employees for you. Do you happen to take deer? We seem to have a lot of those around here. 

Zak: Not for the type of transportation needs you have. 

Alaska moose - Wikipedia

Sgt Stripes: Okay, well, what about mini humans? I have two that live with me I’d be willing to rent out. 

Zak: No. Our smallest yak is bigger than them combined. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh, well. I guess I’ll keep looking. Maybe I’ll find a moose who needs a job. 

Zak: That would be lovely. 

Sgt Stripes: Well, I really must go, I’m due for a nap in 3 minutes. But I want to thank you for your time and hard work, Zak.

Zak: Thank you for the interview, Sarge! It’s been a pleasure meeting with you. 

Sgt Stripes: Hey, you look big enough for Pounce! Want to try it? 

Zak: Uh, no thanks… Oh, look at that, I really must go… I need to transport some TidyCats. Bye! 

And there you have it, from the Yak himself! Take care, and if you see any vole, be sure to grab it up for me! (I’ll have my humans send you really cute photos of me as payment!)

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

25

Yak Express: Not Living Up to Its Name

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Snoops and Kommando here. This story was written by our cousins Thunder and Onyx with the help of their human. Hope you enjoy it. (It actually explains a lot.)

Since a horrible illness took over the world, cat consumables have been hard to come by. From luxuries such as catnip and heated blankets, to basics such as canned chicken and kitty kibble, nothing was safe from the shortages that had befallen Cattusville. To compile the issue, all humans had been stressed to the max, which made home cuddles and attention dwindle to an unacceptable rate. After some investigating, the cats of Cattusville discover that the holdup on goods has nothing to do with human error, and everything to do with the transportation yaks that swam across the ocean to deliver goods from one country to another. This frustrates the felines, who are now in the midst of discussing this horrible issue. 

Jolene– What a horrible day! I just spent 20 minutes in line at CatMart. All for 7 items! I’m about to stop shopping there and try Furrs. They’re a bit pricier, but I hear their customer service is on point. 

Bonnie– Speaking of pricier, I noticed even at Bargain Felines, their prices skyrocketed. A can of tuna used to cost a dollar- I just spent two dollars, and I swear there was less juice in it than usual! 

Saran Wrap– at least you can find tuna! I’ve been to three different stores, and still am missing half my shopping list. I can’t find silver vine anywhere. And there was only one catnip plant available in the city, and it looked horrendous. Almost like a dog had been nibbling on it! *The cats all shuddered.* I’m about to just use my human’s credit card and order everything online! At least then I’m guaranteed to get something! 

Cookie– You know what the real issue is, right? It isn’t a lack of servants, or less fish available to catch and sell; it’s the transport yaks. 

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Jolene– Transport yaks? What on earth are transport yaks?

Bonnie– Yeah, I just assumed humans were being lazy and not putting things on shelves for me to purchase. And that they raised the prices to get more for less. 

Saran Wrap– Isn’t a yak a big, scary creature? I saw a photo of one once. It didn’t look friendly, or very tasty. The only benefit I saw to it was the fur, which would make a wonderful blanket. 

Cookie– Well, yes, yaks are bigger than us. And I’m not sure if they’re friendly- I’ve never actually met one. But they’re the reason we’re having issues buying our items. Our whole country relies on their services. And there’s been so much demand lately, our yaks aren’t able to keep up with it. 

Jolene– I’m not sure how a big, scary blanket is supposed to be in charge of our economy and buying. Don’t the humans just say, “hey, we need this”, and it magically appears?

Bonnie– That sounds about right. 

Cookie– No, that isn’t how it works. You see, Cattusville gets a lot of their marketables from different countries, such as Katzenlot, or Gatomanor. 

Saran Wrap– But those countries are so far away! Like, 20 nap times away!

Cookie– Exactly! We cats have much better things to do with our time, so we contract yaks to swim across the ocean and deliver our goods. But because of the hoarding that the illness caused, Cattusville keeps demanding more and more items from everywhere else. So then more and more yaks get sent to swim to us. But the shore can only process a couple of yaks at a time, no matter what the demand is. So the extra yaks get stuck at sea, waiting to drop their load. However, by the time the water-logged yaks make it to shore, it might have been months. This naturally makes the yaks very grumpy, so they are slow in letting the humans remove the load from them. Then, they take a couple of weeks to relax before swimming back to their native country. But that takes up space on our shore, so that slows down the process even more. 

Jolene– Wow, how awful. Thank goodness we’re not yaks! *The others nod in agreement* 

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Cookie- But that’s not all. Some yaks get so upset at the wait, that they turn around and head back to their native shore. That delays our shipments even more.

Bonnie– Oh, no! I know they’re not treated well. But that doesn’t seem fair to us, either. 

Cookie– Well, it’s really not. But can you blame them? 

Saran Wrap– I can’t blame them at all. I thought I had seen a report on RabbitNews, saying that some yaks had not only returned to shore, but were so disgusted by working conditions, that they’re refusing to work until things get better. Some were even considering hibernating, just to make a point. I had just assumed it was fake news, since there’s so much of that nowadays. 

Cookie– I saw that report as well. Sadly, it is very true. 

Jolene– Wow. I never knew all of this. 

Bonnie– Yeah. Now I feel bad about hissing at my human for bringing home beef treats instead of turkey. The yaks probably haven’t had a chance to deliver the turkey treats yet. 

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Saran Wrap– And I guess I should stop mewling about the raise of price in scratching posts. Those can’t be easy to transport, and the yaks do deserve extra compensation for doing such a hard job. 

Cookie– It doesn’t make it less frustrating, but at least you now know the root of the issue. But, enough talk about yaks. Who wants to find a nice sun spot to lounge in for the next three hours?

The other cats run off with Cookie, eager to stop talking about yaks and lounge in the sun. Even with as evil as the world illness has been, at least it hasn’t stolen the sunspots- at least, not yet. 

Pictures courtesy of Google Images