Tag Archives: Humor

17

Sgt Stripes Interviews Zak the Yak

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Yak Yak Yak. He cant stop talking - isnt he cute : r/Eyebleach

Long-time readers may recall us writing about Yak Express, the delivery service we use in Cheeeland. We’ve been noticing that deliveries are slowing down a bit. We sent Sgt Stripes to find out what is going on. Here is his report’

Greetings! It’s Sgt Stripes here, and I have a rather exciting interview to share with you. 

Back in 2022, Onyx and Thunder illustrated the difficulties in the feline world that the yak shortage presented. I’ve noticed that there is still a rather severe shortage of many goods, so I decided to dig a little bit into the yak world. After much mewling, purring, swiping with claws, and being excessively adorable, I managed to secure an interview with Zak, one of the top managers of Yak Express! 

Sgt Stripes: Zak, thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me! 

Zak: The pleasure is mine, Sarge… may I call you Sarge? Although I have to admit, I wasn’t thrilled when I heard you threatened to harm one of my call center mice.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t think I necessarily threatened any harm on Lunch…

Zak: …her name is Michelle.

Sgt Stripes: Oh. Whoops. Sorry, I had sort of assumed that her name had something to do with her purpose in life. 

Zak: Uh, no. And that’s not the real issue we had, she was more upset that you wanted to use her for something called “Pounce Practice”? 

Sgt Stripes: OH! Oh, no, that was all a big misunderstanding. You see, Pounce is a game! My favorite game, actually. I play it with my cousins Onyx and Gypsy a lot! And with the humans in the house. Everyone loves Pounce! 

Zak: Oh. Well, while I can appreciate that, Michelle saw it as a threat. She feared she may be crushed, and possibly even consumed, if she were forced to play. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh no! I would never hurt anyone. I just get really, really enthusiastic when I play Pounce. Please pass along my apologies to her. 

Large hairy yak carrying load close up, ... | Stock Video | Pond5

Zak: I will do so. So, what can I do for you today?

Sgt Stripes: Well, I don’t mean to come off as rude… but your employees seem to really have gone downhill in quality. I understand that there was a pandemic- and that greatly impacted much of the workforce- but now, as we’re returning to a sense of normality, I notice that we’re still short on a lot of cat merchandise. What’s up with that? 

Zak: Could you possibly list some specific items you’re seeking? I seem to remember signing off on a rather large shipment on Fancy Feast wet food… I had to get my 3 strongest yaks for that one. It set us behind for days. 

Sgt Stripes: Hopefully it negatively affected the dogs and not other cats. 

Zak: I’d have to review my records. 

Sgt Stripes: I’ve primarily noticed a protein shortage. We haven’t been able to find vole anywhere! At first I was heart set on getting whole, fresh voles. Then I decided I would settle for any sort of vole- ground, chunked, frozen, even canned. But there was nothing to be found! 

Zak: Couldn’t you just go hunt some in your yard?

Sgt Stripes: NO! I have PTSD from my days on the street. I want to be able to log onto Mr Google and use Mom’s credit card to order vole directly to my door. Might you know when this will be possible?

Zak: Well, unfortunately, not any time soon. 

Sgt Stripes: What?!? But I’m starving over here! 

Zak: You are?

Sgt Stripes: Yes! And on top of that, we’ve noticed several other shortages: luxury litter boxes, heated beds, extra fluffy blankets… are you meaning to tell me that Yak Express may no longer be able to supplement the needs of felines world wide? 

Zak: Well, not necessarily. However, as I’m sure you know, it’s been a lot rougher starting our economy up than we’d anticipated. We lost a fair number of yaks during the dark years, and there just aren’t that many options for replacements. 

Luxury self catering cottage with swimming pool in the grounds of a Monastery on Loch Ness - Fort Augustus | Vrbo

Sgt Stripes: Can’t you just post on social media that you need yaks and give them some extra grass or something? 

Zak: Not exactly. See, our yaks have to be able to carry at least 200 pounds, walk for up to 30 miles per day, and swim with loads. A lot of the yak applicants are either too small or not physically fit enough to get hired. The illness affected a lot of our yak’s, too, so we had many medical retirements. 

Sgt Stripes: Can’t you just hire the undesirable yaks and give them lighter loads? 

Zak: Unfortunately not. Safety and work regulations prohibit that. 

Sgt Stripes: What if I look really cute and purr at the guy in charge? I’ll even let him play with my elusive red dot! 

Zak: I don’t think that’ll make a difference… 

Sgt Stripes: What if I give head bonks? I’ve been known to knock people over with how powerful they are! 

Yaks In Indian Himalayas Facing Threat Of Climate Change, Says Study

Zak: Do you really want to knock over a yak? 

Sgt Stripes: Oh… no, probably not. Darn. But I really, really want my vole back! 

Zak: Well, that’s the other issue. There’s been a lot of rules put into place as to what we are and are not allowed to transport. Living creatures, such as vole and mice, did not make the list due to safety concerns and training requirements. 

Sgt Stripes: I said I’d take canned vole. 

Zak: I’m not sure that’s a common commodity here… but I will make note of it. 

Sgt Stripes: Thank you! But if we can’t fix the vole shortage, could we maybe discuss getting the other items plentifully replenished? 

Zak: Well, I can talk about prioritizing the needs of our feline customers over other customers. However, there have been several complaints about that already…

Sgt Stripes: Eh, it’s okay. They’ll get over it. I really, really need a fluffy blanket. The one I have keeps getting stolen by Onyx and her human. 

White-Tailed Deer | Mississippi State University Extension Service

Zak: …noted… However, I’m not willing to make any promises. But I and the other yaks will do our best. 

Sgt Stripes: Purrfect! Meanwhile, I”ll keep my eyes out for suitable employees for you. Do you happen to take deer? We seem to have a lot of those around here. 

Zak: Not for the type of transportation needs you have. 

Alaska moose - Wikipedia

Sgt Stripes: Okay, well, what about mini humans? I have two that live with me I’d be willing to rent out. 

Zak: No. Our smallest yak is bigger than them combined. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh, well. I guess I’ll keep looking. Maybe I’ll find a moose who needs a job. 

Zak: That would be lovely. 

Sgt Stripes: Well, I really must go, I’m due for a nap in 3 minutes. But I want to thank you for your time and hard work, Zak.

Zak: Thank you for the interview, Sarge! It’s been a pleasure meeting with you. 

Sgt Stripes: Hey, you look big enough for Pounce! Want to try it? 

Zak: Uh, no thanks… Oh, look at that, I really must go… I need to transport some TidyCats. Bye! 

And there you have it, from the Yak himself! Take care, and if you see any vole, be sure to grab it up for me! (I’ll have my humans send you really cute photos of me as payment!)

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

28

Gypsy Katt: Front and Center

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Hello. I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Gypsy Katt. I go by Gypsy, although Mom has called me Gypsy Rose a few times. I moved here with my other human Mom and the two little humans. Originally, I was staying in the sun room with my sister Angel. But Angel kept eating all of the food and I lost a lot of weight.

The humans got worried and decided to bring me upstairs to live with Onyx (my other sister) and Sgt Stripes. At my other house, I was kept separate from the other kitties because they thought I was too territorial. Here I can roam around the entire floor. Sgt Stripes and I get into the occasional tiff, but nothing major.

I really like it here. There are four adult beds plus two toddler beds and only three cats. Nobody tries to eat my food. Mom (the one who lived here before) lets me sleep with her at night. Sgt Stripes and I share the kibble bowl and fountain. Onyx kinda keeps to herself. This is the best place I’ve ever been.

When I moved in, there were two downstairs cats: Snoops and Kommando Kitty. As you know, Kommando went over the Rainbow Bridge last month. Apparently, the original set-up was the Snoops bonded to the older male human, and Kommando bonded with Mom. Now, unfortunately, the older male human and Kommando are gone. Snoops is now Senior Cat in the house, so all the hmans give her cuddles and pets. But Mom’s pretty sad about what happened to Kommando.

So I decided that since I don’t have a human, and she doesn’t have a cat, I should apply for the position of primary cat to Mom. I checked with my old Mom, and she said that she was pretty bonded with Onyx. So I asked Snoops how I would go about becoming Mom’s new cat. (Don’t worry about Sgt Stripes; he’s connected with the other male human here – his human brother. And Angel’s buddies with the little humans.)

Snoops wasn’t really sure how humans and cats bonded; it just seemed to happen. But she gave me some questions to see if it might be a good fit.

What is the #1 house rule? I know this one! No eating family members. Apparently this also applies to using teeth when playing.

How much time each day do you spend cuddling with your current human? I never really had my own human. I like to lie next to Mom when she’s reading in bed or using her computer. I don’t have much experience as a lap cat, but I’m trying to get used to it.

How do you feel about human snuggles and hugs? Umm. I wasn’t really hugged before. It seemed a little uncomfortable the first time I was hugged. Mom called it “kitty cuddles”. I wasn’t really a fan. I could probably learn to live with it.

 

What time does your day usually start? I like getting up with the sun. Mom usually gets up at 6a for work, so I’m trying to adapt to that. It’s weird, though. Apparently, there are days when she doesn’t have to work and sleeps later. I think I have a better alarm system. My tummy wants food at the same time every day. We’re working on a compromise.

When do you sleep at night? I really love having a regular bed. I go to sleep when Mom goes to sleep. She has a tummy warmer (she calls it a bed warmer). Sgt Stripes and I love the tummy warmer at night.. I usually don’t move much at night.

What kinds of human food do you like? I don’t think I’ve had human food. But I really like cat food with fish and chicken, so I would probably like that.

Why do you think you’re the best candidate for this job? I’ve never really had a human, so I don’t have any bad habits to break. I think I could get better at the cuddling stuff with some practice. There’s a human with no cat and a cat with no human. It just makes sense.

Snoops said that she would present my answers to Mom and let me know what she says. Keep your fingers crossed for me,

21

Sgt Stripes and the Great Vole Hunt

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Sgt Stripes here. I love being an indoor kitty. I have humans to take care of me and lots of windows to look out. I have plenty of toys and can pretty much get tummy rubs on demand. I even have an electric tummy warmer. (Mom calls it a bed warmer.) But there’s one thing that has taken a little getting used to: the food.

Back when I lived outside, I had to hunt for food. We live in a pretty open area. Mom has two acres and there’s forty acres on the lot next door. I didn’t have much trouble getting what I needed. (Don’t tell Mom, but I got a few treats from the neighbors too.) I was attracted to Mom and my human brother because they put kibble out regularly. It was a nice contrast to my diet of field mice and voles.

When I came inside, they tried to feed me kibble and wet food. I love the kibble, but the wet food tasted really weird. I didn’t like it. I kept trying to tell them that I really wanted a vole, but they never seemed to understand. I asked Mr Google to find me some vole-flavored food, but I didn’t have any luck. All I could find was ways to get rid of voles. I don’t want to poison them. If I poison them, I can’t eat them.

Right now, I’m eating mainly kibble. Occasionally, I’ll have some chicken and tuna stew and some treats, It’s not that I don’t like my kibble, but it gets a little boring. I’d really like something fresh. My human brother gave me goose one time. That was pretty tasty, but I really don’t like human food (except ice cream).

I talked to Snoops about it. She lived outside for a while before she ended up at the shelter. She understood what I meant. She says that’s the main reason she occasionally eats the mice she catches. It’s a flavor that none of the canned foods can match. We don’t really understand why there are vegetables in some cat food, but no mice or voles.

I tried eating a couple of the mice I found upstairs. (It’s one of the advantages of living in an old farmhouse. It’s easy for mice to get in.) They were pretty tasty, but they really didn’t taste like the ones I had outside. Snoops says it’s because of what they eat. Apparently the humans aren’t really good about keeping all the food in the pantry locked in airtight containers. It has come to their attention that mice love sweets. On occasion, they’ve eaten large (for a mouse) quantities of chocolate chips and baking chocolate.

I guess I prefer grass-fed mice and voles. There have been a few mice since I came inside, but no voles. I saw that one of the pet stores around here has voles. I tried to talk Mom into buying a couple, but she wouldn’t do it. She won’t buy any of the fun animals: no mice, no voles, no gerbils, no hamsters. So I’m kind of stuck.

I think Mom feels bad because I don’t like wet food. I think she’s tried every flavor they make. I don’t want to make her feel bad; it’s not her fault that cat food doesn’t come in the really good flavors. Maybe I could write a letter to the cat-food companies and suggest they try something different.

In the meantime, I’m going keep living the good life and eating kibble.

 

20

Cats and Spring Fever

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It’s been a very weird winter here in Southeast Michigan. The humans here have hardly complained about the weather at all. Not much snow and warmer than usual temperatures for the most part. It doesn’t really matter all that much to us cats, although no melted snow on the carpeting has been nice.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t been warm enough for the humans to hang out outside, so we’ve been cooped up with the toddlers for weeks. I think they might be getting on everyone’s nerves. Mom’s been talking about something called Spring Fever. We thought she was just making up a name for being grumpy, so we looked it up on Mr Google.

Turns out it’s really a thing that some humans get. The symptoms are:

  • Feeling energetic – That would be a good thing. More playtime for us and earlier breakfast on the weekends
  • Sleeping less – More time for cuddles.
  • Eating lighter – Hmm. We hope that doesn’t mean less meat. Most of the rest of what she eats is disgusting.
  • Smiling and happy feelings – That would be a nice change. She’s been kinda grumpy lately.
  • Desire to get in shape – Don’t really see that happening.
  • Feeling of romance – Better not happen. There’s already too many humans around here.
  • Taking up new hobbies – Maybe she could learn how to make homemade cat food. That would be cool
  • Scatterbrained and unfocused – Not sure we’d be able to tell.
  • Urge to spring clean – Doesn’t really sound like her.
  • Sense of Claustrophobia – Why would she want to leave the house? We’re in it.

Okay. It might not be a bad thing if Mom got Spring Fever. Then we began to wonder if we could get Spring Fever too. Of course, since humans are so fascinated with us kitties, some have studied this. And we can get Spring Fever!

It’s a little different in cats than in humans. Here are our top common behaviors when the weather gets warmer:

Increased Activity – Generally speaking, we become more active and energetic in the spring. We are more prone to zoomies. And we like to spend more time playing and exploring. Part of that may be because there is more sunlight. And warmer temperatures mean we don’t have to spend energy keeping warm.

Interest in the Outdoors – Even us indoor cats enjoy the outdoors more in the spring. There’s more stuff to look at out the windows. And spring is the beginning of catio season. Some of us kitties even like to go out on leashes or harnesses. (In our neighborhood, it’s not safe to be outside alone. The road is busy and we have coyotes and raptors.)

Increased Grooming – Most of us do more grooming in the spring. We have to clean up the loose furs from losing our winter coats. And we want our warm-weather fur to look spiffy.

Vocalization – Some kitties like to talk more in the warmer weather. We’re just so excited to see the world coming back to life outside.

Playfulness – We generally feel more energetic in the sun than in the cold gloom of winter. Pouncing is a lot more popular this time of year. We also sometimes want more attention from our humans. Mom says she’s not sure she has more attention to give. We’ll have to test her.

Territorial Behavior – New season, time to re-establish boundaries. We may increase our scratching and rubbing against objects. Some of our less well-mannered brethren may even spray to mark their territory. We would like to remind them that it is really only acceptable as an outside activity. We prefer the tactic of taking a spot and refusing to move.

Changes in Eating Habits – All that increased activity can lead to an increased appetite. And the sight of prey outside can make us hungry too (even if we can’t get out to eat it).

We admit that we have never paid enough attention to tell whether we get Spring Fever? Have any of you experienced it?

15

Sgt Stripes: I am Not the Crepuscular One Anymore

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Sgt Stripes here. When I moved in a year and a half ago, Mom used to complain that I got up too early. Every morning, I’d want to get her up at dawn. I was the first cat she had who had lived outside, and I was a hunter. Our feline ancestors hunted at dawn and dusk because of our ability to see well in low light. That’s called being crepuscular (cool word, huh?). It let them sneak up on their prey. Then they’d sleep during the day. I was just following the call of my tribe.

Mom solved a lot of the conflict by having a cat tree in the east window of our bedroom. It let me survey my domain and got rid of a lot of the zoomies. I also discovered that my human brother had a tree outside his window that was really good for cat TV. The three of us got into a pretty good rhythm.

Then Gypsy moved in. That cat is WILD. As soon as it is anywhere near light, she’s racing around the room jumping on things. She jumps on everything – the night table, the jewelry stand, the bed, the armoire. I thought it was obnoxious when she stole my side of the bed. She was NOT getting my tree. So I hang out in my tree, and she races all over the room (including Mom).

I started feeling bad for Mom because Gypsy wakes her up almost every morning. I thought that I would ask Mr. Google how to handle the problem. Mr. Google was not particularly useful in my opinion. Here is what I found:

Play Before Bed – It says you can use up all your cat’s energy by playing before going to sleep. Our human brother plays with us almost every night. I sleep nicely; she’s still racing around. I guess we need to get her a gym membership or something. Maybe she could do cat yoga.

Ignore the Behavior – I wonder how long that’s supposed to take. Mom doesn’t get up or play with her. She just lays there. It hasn’t worked so far. Although I have noticed that Mom is sleeping right on the edge of the bed so she can’t get in her face anymore.

Offer a Meal Before Bedtime –  We get a bowl of kibble to share right before bed. And we have a running fountain of water. The food is supposed to direct our energy toward digestion instead of running around. Also, we’re less likely to wake Mom up wanting food if we’ve already eaten. Maybe she needs to give us a different kind of food. More protein. I haven’t had a vole or field mouse since I came inside.

Don’t Let the Cat in the Bedroom – NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. We all share the bedroom. I am not going to lose access to my bedroom because some other cat can’t control herself. And I don’t want to be locked in either. The door needs to stay open.

Keep the Cat Awake Longer – The human is supposed to keep the cat from taking naps in the late afternoon or evening. That’s crazy. Cats rule. We nap when we want to nap. What are they going to do? Take a stick and poke us to keep us awake?

Keep the Cat Entertained While the Human is Away – I kind of like this idea. They suggest leaving the TV on for us (maybe a nature show). Or using feeding puzzles or smart bowls to make mealtimes more fun. I think they should give us tablets or smart phones so we can order our own treats and games.

Be Patient – Most cats can adapt to sleeping through the night. The human has to be patient. NEVER punish the cat – cats don’t understand cause and effect according to Mr Google. (We’re not going to tell him any different.) I’m not too sure about the patience thing though. Gypsy’s a lot older than me. I would have thought she’d be better at waiting for Mom to wake up.

I hope Gypsy calms down soon. Mom gets grumpy when she doesn’t get enough sleep.

23

Snoops and the Editors: Change is Hard

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Things have been pretty busy in the editorial offices at Cheeseland. Lenny and George, the mice editors, have been scurrying around trying to figure out what’s next for the blog. It’s been around for almost eleven years. It started out as a place for Cat to vent about whatever was on her mind. Apparently not much, since it switched over to all animals all the time after a couple of years. But it didn’t really take off until Snoops and Kommando Kitty started writing        . Now that Kommando is gone, it’s probably time for another change.

Lenny: What are we going to do? We had a two-cat show with a bunch of supporting players.

George: I know. Cat kinda figured that she and the cats were going to retire together in a few years.

Lenny: Ooh. Maybe we can turn it into a retirement blog.

George: Don’t be dumb. She’s not retiring now.

Lenny: Oh yeah. That’s right. We need to figure out how to replace Kommando.

They both jump when they hear a loud hissing behind them.

Lenny: Oh, hey Snoops. Didn’t hear you come up.

Snoops: You are so lucky you’re considered family so I can’t eat you. We can’t replace Kommando. She was special.

George: We know. That’s why we’re trying to figure out what to do with the blog. You wanna do a solo thing? Something like “Snoops Speaks”?

Snoops: Nah. I don’t have the energy for that. The best part was having someone to share the ideas and research with.

Lenny: Maybe we could find you a new partner?

Snoops: I do not want another cat in the house. It was bad enough when Sgt Stripes moved in, but at least he stayed upstairs. Now we have the three who came in with my human sister and the two little humans. NO MORE CATS.

Lenny: Okay. Don’t get excited.

George: You know you scare Lenny when you get mad.

Snoops: Sorry, Lenny. Didn’t mean anything personal.

Lenny: It’s okay. I know you’re upset.

George: What do you think about partnering with one of the kids? The blonde one said he’d like to work with you.

Snoops: No chance. I don’t like children. Besides, we write about animals. He’d want to write about human stuff.

Lenny: Eww! How boring.

Snoops: Yeah. Besides, he’s loud and messy.

George: Excellent points. No small human partners.

Snoops: I think we need to keep the focus on cats.

Lenny: But the alligators and bears are pretty popular too.

George: And hedgehogs.

Snoops: That’s true. We’ll be mainly cats with a few other animals thrown in.

George: Could you work with one of the new cats?

Snoops fluffed up and arched her back.

Lenny: I’d say that’s a “no”.

George: What about Sgt Stripes? He joined you and Kommando for a few posts.

Lenny: And he’s an excellent researcher. He really loves Mr. Google.

Snoops: He tried to eat Kommando when he moved in. I had to jump on him to protect her.

George: He says that was a misunderstanding. He wanted to play pounce.

Snoops: Grrr.

Lenny: I think he’s afraid of you now. He doesn’t even really try to come downstairs when you’re around.

George: He might want to be friends. He’s trying to be friends with the lady cats upstairs.

Snoops: I don’t know. I’m not thrilled with any of the options. I’ll have to think about it.

She curled up to sleep while the mice tiptoed off.

17

Sgt Stripes: The Male Purrspective

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Hi folks, it’s Sergeant Stripes!  Last week, you all heard a very interesting story from my new housemate Onyx.  I’m here now to offer my purrspective.  Let me begin by saying I’m very flattered, but I really was just trying to be nice to both my new housemates.  I’m not madly in love with anyone. 

For starters, Onyx stole my room.  Mom explained that it’s because she’s a poor kitty with no place else to go, so we have to be nice, but I used to have four bedrooms, and now I’m down to two, maybe three.  It depends on whether you count the one Mom shares with me, since I also have to share it with Gypsy now.  And don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice kitty… when she’s not hissing and swiping at me for getting too close to her.  I think she might still be holding how we met against me.  

I didn’t mean to scare anyone, I just really like playing pounce.  And Onyx and Gypsy were playing along too, because their eyes got really huge and they tried to run away, just like they were actually prey!  Or, uh, that’s what I thought.  Mom told me they were actually scared I was trying to eat them.  Like I would forget the most important house rule (No eating family members.).  Um, again.  [Editor’s Note: This is something of a recurring problem for Sarge.  Poor George still has nightmares. Sometimes he has trouble editing the pictures.]  

But anyway, that’s why I was trying to make up for it by being extra nice to the two new kitties!  Because even if I’m not entirely sure why they have to get my bedrooms (And my litter box.  And my humans.  And my kibble!), I know we need to be good hosts.  So I started spending more time with both of the new arrivals.  I didn’t think Onyx would take it the way she did, especially after she got so mad when I tried to share her food (that’s why I stopped spending time with her).  I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.  

That’s why I’ve decided that Onyx and Gypsy should both be allowed to spend  as much time as they want with me!  I’m bigger than both of them, so if they want to, they can both cuddle with me at the same time.  I’m not sure about romance just yet, but I do want to make friends.  Right now, nobody wants to play pounce with me.  And Gypsy doesn’t always share my cool Christmas blankie with me.  But I figure we can all be friends, we just got off on the wrong paw.  

Mom says that they were more territorial because they didn’t have four bedrooms where they came from.  Actually, Gypsy didn’t even have one.  So I guess I get why I have to share.  I can’t even really use all four bedrooms at once, so it’s not that big a deal.  Although I wouldn’t have minded a housewarming vole.  I figure if I’m extra nice and we all get along, then they won’t mind sharing with me, and I can get my beds back.  Even if I don’t, two beds isn’t really a bad deal for two new playmates!  

And Gypsy can be a really fun playmate.  Even when we’re not playing pounce, we do have a lot of common interests, like shredding toilet paper.  She found a roll that the humans left out, and it was just like when I first got here–they still haven’t gotten all the shreds picked up!  She also has really good taste in kibble.  She also likes wet food though, which I think is kind of weird.  But it does mean that I get treats while she gets her wet food!  

Onyx has been tougher to get close to.  She got really hung up over when I shared her treats.  It wasn’t my fault she didn’t get any, she was just too slow!  …I guess I should say sorry about that one.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings Onyx, and I agree that creamy dairy treats, fluffy blankets, and jingly balls are the best.  I hope you’ll come out and play with us soon, and you can bat around my jingly silvervine ball!  It’s awesome.  Then all three of us could hang out, and that would be awesome, too.  

23

Onyx: A Love Story Gone Wrong

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Hello! 

It’s everyone’s favorite black cat, Onyx. And I have awful news! If you didn’t know, my human moved herself, both mini humans, and Angel, Gypsy, and myself in with her mom (AKA my editor) and her brother (AKA my purrsonal chef). And while we sadly were split from Thunder, we got to make friends with all of the northern kitties! One of whom is Sgt Stripes (although my human calls him Big Kitty). When we moved in, I was scared because the big human my person lived with was loud and mean. So when I met Sgt Stripes, I was not very nice (he wanted to play “Pounce”. As in, all 14 pounds of him pounced on all 6 pounds of me. I thought he was hunting me. I was terrified). So I hissed and hid under the bed from him (turns out, he can fit under the bed). And then the mini blonde human started feeding him MY treats. And MY kibble. It was awful! But still, he decided I was his uptown cat. And he was in love with me. 

So here I am, getting all of this attention, some snuggles, love, and it’s great! (Or, at least, when Stripes wasn’t stealing my food, it was great.) And I’m thinking I could get used to this, I’m not ready to get married or share my sunspot, but yeah, Sgt Stripes is cool and I’ll keep him around. When out of nowhere, Gypsy moves upstairs (where Sarge and I were coexisting). Now, Gypsy and I have a history. She forced me into a corner and was terrorizing me when she moved in with us. So I’m not her biggest fan. But apparently, Angel was eating all of her food downstairs, so she had to come upstairs to rehabilitate, as she looked starved. I was not happy. But Gypsy mostly stayed in my editor’s room, so I figured I could make it work. I could stay in my human’s room or the bathroom and ignore Gypsy. 

Apparently before all of the uptown cats moved in, Sgt Stripes reigned supreme over the whole upstairs, including our editor’s room. So Gypsy (at about 3 pounds) forced him out. But then he kept hearing from the humans that “he could sit on her and crush her” and “he shouldn’t let her force him out of his spot”. So Sgt Stripes gradually started sitting with Gypsy. First in the room, then on the bed with her. And before long, he was courting her! 

To Sgt Stripe’s credit, at first he tried to stay with me while remaining cordial with Gypsy. But with me, it’s either all or nothing. So then he tried to be friends. But I don’t do friends. I tried that with Thunder, and she moved away. My human says I have antisocial purrsonality disorder, but I disagree. I just know my worth. So then, Sarge started totally ignoring me for Gypsy! I couldn’t believe it! I’m the prettier, smarter, better of the two. But I guess we all have to make our own mistakes. 

And to top this off, he dumped me right before Valentine’s Day, and he’s still eating my treats and kibble! Everyone knows that my favorite treats are the Temptations creamy dairy or the beef. So instead of eating his favorite, backyard BBQ or lobster, Sarge steals my one joy in life. He also tries to steal my human on her work from home days! Even when she gets up in the morning, he runs right up to her, wanting jaw and tummy rubs. And Gypsy keeps trying to demand food from my human! They have no respect what-so-ever. And it’s not like they would starve for either food or attention. My editor and chef can take care of them, probably better than my human can! 

So now I’m left broken hearted, with no friends and no cats to hang out with, all because Gypsy had to come upstairs and ruin everything. It’s hard to blame Sgt Stripes; he’s a big, adorable, loveable goofball. And while he is responsible for his own actions, I’m sure he was taken back by my beauty (and the tastiness of my treats! It’ll take a while for me to forgive him for that one). 

Now, my human had said that this was my fault, but we all know that’s not true. I was so betrayed. My boyfriend left me for my arch-rival! All because I hissed and hid from him (but let’s be real, he was terrifying when he played Pounce. I feared for my life)! Everyone says he’s the sweetest cat ever and would never hurt a fly, but if he’s capable of stealing my kibble, who knows what else he was capable of! 

And that concludes my horrible, awful, truly terrible love tale. Take it from me, relationships are just not worth it. Instead of a companion, get yourself some creamy dairy treats, a fluffy blanket, and a jingly ball to bat around. You can’t go wrong with that! To Gypsy and Sgt Stripes, I hope you’re both happy, but that I get the best sunspots. And to all of my readers, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day, and don’t forget to adore all black cats you come across!

We want to thank everyone for the beautiful words and thoughts you’ve been sending us regarding Kommando Kitty. And especially Ingrid Rickmar for the beautiful badge at the upper right and Ms. Ellen for the wonderful card.

18

Gator on the Loose – Part 2

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Two cute alligators | Two alligators of the Walter Zoo lying… | Flickr

Where we are: Uncle Stu had been missing for three weeks. The gators had not heard from either him or his lady friend they had located on GatorGram. Granny was ready to file a missing gator report with the police. Stan and his family were watching curling on TV when they heard a knock.

Stan: Stu! Come in!

Stu walked slowly into the house, followed by a lady gator. He had a bandage around his tail.

Justine: Uncle Stu! What happened to you?

Stu: It’s nothing. Just a little frostbite.

Justine: How’d you get frostbite?

Adele: Hello Stu! It’s good to see you! Who’s your friend?

Kiawah Island Gator Female | A nice mature female alligator … | Flickr

Stu: This is Amanda. She’s the lady I met last year when I got lost up here.

Amanda: Hello, everyone. It’s nice to meet you.

Suzy: Are you the lady from GatorGram?

Amanda (laughing): Yes, I am. I didn’t respond because Stu and I have been on a little adventure.

Stan: What kind of adventure?

Stu: I signed us up for a Caribbean cruise.

Justine: Ooh! That sounds nice! Why didn’t you tell anyone?

Just one of the Alligator sightings - Picture of River Lilly Cruises, Port Saint Lucie - Tripadvisor

Stu: My son Vince was being kind of a jerk at Christmas. He told me I was too old for a girlfriend. That I should be saving my money in case I need it for some kind of emergency.

Amanda: Stu decided that he would prove Vince wrong. He came up to South Carolina and told me we were going to the Bahamas.

Suzy: That sounds pretty amazing.

Stu: Yeah. It probably would have been. Unfortunately, I got in the wrong line. We ended up on some kind of winter adventure in Nova Scotia.

Amanda: It is really cold in Nova Scotia in January.

Stu: We almost got iced in. I guess I spent a little too much time up top on the boat talking to the captain. My tail got a touch of frostbite.

Alligators stick their snouts above freezing waters to breathe | CNN

Adele: Are you going to be okay? You’re not going to lose your tail are you?

Amanda: They were a little worried. We had to get off the ship. Stu spent the last few days in a hospital. They saved the tail, but he can’t be anywhere cold again.

Stu: Yeah. I guess I’ll be staying down here from now on. I’d look pretty funny without a tail.

Justine: That sounds really painful.

Stu: It’s not too bad. I’m a tough old gator.

Stan: Well, we’re glad you’re okay. Does Granny know you’re safe? She’s ready to report you missing.

Watch This Angry Alligator Invade a Family's Porch and Refuse to Go Quietly

Stu: That’s my sister. Always overreacting. I’ll call her when we’re done here.

Stan: You did disappear with no trace.

Stu: I guess. But Vince should have known better.

Suzy: He said you’d show up when you were ready.

Stu: And here I am.

Justine: Why did you come here instead of going home?

Stu: I had to bring Amanda home. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She’s the one who realized we were on the wrong ship.

Amanda: Unfortunately, by the time I saw the paperwork, we were already at sea.

Winter means hibernation for some — but not all — of Kodiak's bears - Alaska Public Media

Stu: I probably should have known we weren’t in the right place. We were the only alligators on board.

Amanda: There were a lot of bears.

Stu: Bears are really nice. They helped keep up warm when we got up north.

Amanda: They probably saved his tail.

Suzy: Wow! Who knew? They look kinda mean in pictures.

Stu: You should never judge others by the way they look. Anyway, Amanda also got me a good doctor. And made the arrangements to get us back here. She only lives a few miles away.

Amanda: We stopped by on our way home because you had sent me the message saying you were worried.

This gator house call: | Animals, Weird pictures, Alligator

Stu: We didn’t want to worry anyone. I just didn’t like Vince telling me I’m old.

Stan: It sounds like you’re lucky Amanda was there to take care of you.

Stu: I definitely was. And that’s why I asked her to marry me.

The family looked at Amanda, and she nodded.

Amanda: I said yes! I think we’re going to be very happy together.

Stan: Congratulations! I’m very excited for you.

Adele: Stu can definitely use someone with a little common sense.

Stu growled at her.

Justine: Uncle Stu, you know she’s right. Now you won’t get lost anymore.

Stu: That is true. She can take care of all the travel arrangements.

Stan returned with some sparkling swamp water, and they all toasted the happy couple.

Road Trip! The Gators' Summer Vacation | Adventures in Cheeseland

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

20

Sgt Stripes: Reporting from Sick Bay

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Sgt Stripes here. We want to thank you all ‘s for your well wishes to our humans. Our human brother and sister are doing much better. Mom seems to have gotten the worst of it. She even went to the doctor yesterday (that’s like a vet for humans). They gave her three kinds of medicine. She is still coughing a lot, but we are hoping that annoying habit will end shortly.

The ladies and I have been sharing nurse duties. Upstairs, I have been assisted by one of our newcomers. Not Onyx. She remains aloof and stand-offish. My aide is named Gypsy. She is a beautiful dilute calico. Snoops and Kommando have been handling the downstairs duties. We make sure that she is never cold or lonely. We also still let her feed us so she doesn’t feel useless. (She’s not doing much else.)

We know that none of our readers would ever question whether a cat knows that their human is sick. But there are apparently humans out there who think that we are all aloof, unfeeling balls of fur. In case you ever run across one of them, you can tell them the following about how cats know when their humans are sick.

Smell Cat GIFs | Tenor

Humans smell weird when they’re sick – There are chemical changes that take place when humans get sick. They only have about 5 million smell sensors, so they can’t tell a lot of the time. We kitties have about 200 million smell sensors. We know when something’s not right. In fact, studies have shown that cats can detect high blood sugar and cancer through smell.

Lolcats - dinner - LOL at Funny Cat Memes - Funny cat pictures with words on them - lol | cat memes | funny cats | funny cat pictures with words on

Humans act weird when they’re sick – We know your normal behaviors. And we notice when you’re acting different. We love our routines, and when you’re sick, you mess up our routines. (Like our breakfast was 2 hours late today.) Humans lay around a lot when they’re sick. We can tell when you hurt, and we want to help you. We spend our lives around our humans. We want them to be in top shape for us.

Why Is My Cat So Needy? - 7 Reasons Explained | Cute cat memes, Cat memes, Funny cats

Cats exhibit some common behaviors when their humans don’t feel well.

We get clingy – Obviously, all cats are different. Some cats are more cuddly than others under any circumstance. But, generally speaking, cats want to cuddle with their sick human. This is particularly true if the humans has a fever. We cats love to be warm. We’ve been working in shifts. Snoops and Kommando sit on Mom downstairs. Gypsy and I lay with her upstairs. Sometimes, I’ll let Gypsy handle the bed while I take the cat tree, but it’s usually the three of us together.

Separation Anxiety - Lolcats - lol | cat memes | funny cats | funny cat pictures with words on them | funny pictures | lol cat memes | lol cats

We get anxious – If the human is sick enough that they can’t fully care for kitty, the cat can feel anxious and get frightened. Mom’s not that sick, so we don’t have that issue. However, we do find the extended coughing spells very annoying.

Cute Cat licking : r/aww

We lick – If we think our human is stressed or upset, we may try to help by licking them.  It de-stresses us, and we want to help.

Lolcats - medical - LOL at Funny Cat Memes - Funny cat pictures with words on them - lol | cat memes | funny cats | funny cat pictures with words on

Mom says that she used to have a cat that she called her “get-well kitty.” Critter always knew when someone was sick and would stay with them until they felt better. Apparently none of us are quite that good, but she says that I’m the closest she’s seen. Hopefully, it’ll only be a couple more days. This is exhausting.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.