Keep Your Paws Off My Hedge

August 15, 2026 | cat9984

Ian and Janis Hedgehog moved into Commerce Commons about a year ago. It was a small community of hedge-loving creatures: rabbits, small snakes, mice, and a variety of insects.

Coming home one day, Ian saw a notice at the end of the brush pile he called home. It appeared that someone had complained about the “blight” at Commerce Commons and was saying that it had to go. Ian called out to Janis.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;.

Ian: Janis! Did you see this sign?

Janis: Yes, I did. Isn’t it terrible? We all think it came from a human. I don’t understand why a human would care about our home. No humans live here. And they don’t own the property.

Ian: I don’t know either, but I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

Janis: Everyone is really upset. We’re all going to meet tomorrow night to talk it over. In the meantime, we all have assignments. We’re supposed to find out who this person is who wants to make us move.

Ian: How did we get such a tough assignment?

Janis: That’s a silly question. You’re a researcher at the best law firm around here.

Ian: I guess it won’t be too hard to research a human. Let me see what I can find.

The next evening when Ian came home the Commons was abuzz with angry critters. He had not realized how many beetles and snails lived in “Bug Town” at the other end of the wood pile. There were ground beetles, lady beetles, and tiger beetles. A big fluffy squirrel came up to him and Janis and started talking very fast.

Jess: Hi! My name is Jessica, but you can call me Jess. I organized tonight’s meeting. It’s just awful what they’re trying to do to you. I think it’s a crime. I really do. And who are you? I know I’ve seen you around the yard.

Janis: Hello. I’m Janis, and this is Ian. We live in that space (points to an opening in the branches. I don’t mean to be rude, but why is a squirrel organizing all of this? You don’t live in either the hedge or the brush pile.

Jess: That is an excellent question. I am not at all offended. It does seem that it should be run by one of you, doesn’t it? Truth of the matter is, I saw how upset everyone was and had to do something. I asked who was in charge of the protest, and everyone looked at me like I was off my nut, so to speak.

Ian: Who did you want to protest against?

Jess: Whoever put up that sign. That human, Chester Allen. That’s why I’m so excited you’re here. Phoebe the mouse said you worked for an attorney and might be able to look him up. Did you find anything?

Ian: I did some research and…

Jess (breaking in): Everyone! Hello! Everyone! Come over here. Ian has information about Chester Allen.

The rabbits, mice, voles, reptiles, and insects moved closer and quieted down.

Ian: Hello, everyone. I did find out who Chester Allen is. He works for the local government as a property inspector. He’s the guy who makes sure everyone is following the rules regarding what can and cannot be on the property.

Emma Mouse: Is he a human?

Ian: No, he’s a badger.

Emma: A badger is throwing us out? (She points.) We have a couple of badgers living over there. Lovely animals.

Bob Bunny: And this Hedge has been here for years. We’ve worked very hard to get the brush pile to look this good. Why is it a problem now?

Ian: I thought it was very odd too. So I called a guy I know at Town Hall and asked him to look into it.

Jess: Any luck?

Ian: He says that Chester’s a pretty decent guy, but he likes to take the path of least resistance. Pretty much responds to whoever makes the most noise.

Bob: So, who’s making the noise?

Ian: My guy said he didn’t want to get in trouble, but it was one of our neighbors. A human neighbor.

Jess: I should have known. It’s the jerk who’s putting in the golf course down the road.

Victor Vole: How does he even know we’re here? It’s not like we’re on the main road.

Jess: According to the Squirrel Network, he’s been going around the neighborhood looking for things that don’t meet his approval.

Roxanne Rabbit: I did some research too. That definition of blight doesn’t apply unless the property is owned by humans. All of the land around here belongs to a holding company owned by a confederation of foxes.

Sally Salamander: This is just ridiculous. We need to refuse to move.

Victor: Won’t that be dangerous?

Jess: It might be. Particularly if Chester allows the human onto our property.

Ian: We should talk to Chester and tell him the rules don’t apply to us. He sounds like someone who can be reasonable.

Jess: Maybe you could ask one of your attorneys for advice.

Ian: Let me think everything through before I call.

Next week: Can Chester be reasoned with?

Snoops and Sarge Look for the Perfect Protein

April 20, 2024 | cat9984

Sgt Stripes: Hey, Snoops! I need to ask you a question.

Snoops: I suppose. What’s up?

Sgt Stripes: I really like the person you call Blondie. But I think she might be lying to me.

Snoops: She is a human. You can’t really trust them.

Sgt Stripes: Yeah. I have kinda noticed that. Anyway, do you think they’re ever going to get me a vole?

Snoops: Why do you want a vole?

Sgt Stripes: They were the tastiest treats when I lived outside. But they are NEVER on the menu here.

Snoops: That’s true. I’ve never had one. What is it exactly?

Sgt Stripes: It’s like a larger, plumper mouse.

Snoops: Ooh. That does sound delicious. We have some pretty big mice around here when the seasons change.

Sgt Stripes: I’ve only seen a couple upstairs.

Snoops: Yeah. We don’t have as many as we used to. Kommando and I were a great team. She’d flush them out, and I’d finish the job.

Sgt Stripes: Anyway, Blondie said that she would talk to the other humans and get vole on the menu. But it never happens. Do you think she’s lying?

Snoops: I don’t think she’s lying exactly. I think she doesn’t want to disappoint you.

Sgt Stripes: That means no voles, right?

Snoops: Unfortunately, not.

Sgt Stripes: Rats!

Snoops: We don’t have any of those either.

Sgt Stripes: Hmm. Well I need protein to survive. What are my other options?

Snoops: Mom said you don’t like people food.

Sgt Stripes: You mean food made from humans? That sounds disgusting!

Snoops: No, silly. The food that humans eat.

Sgt Stripes: Well. They gave me some goose. That wasn’t bad. But I didn’t like the chicken they gave me.

Snoops: You need to be careful with food that our human brother cooks. It usually is mixed in with other weird stuff like tomatoes or beans. It’s really sad how badly he can mangle a chicken. He makes something called tikka masala. You can’t even tell it used to be chicken.

Sgt Stripes: He brings leftovers upstairs sometimes. They always seem to have a lot of beans or noodles or something burying the meat. Sometimes there isn’t even any meat.

Snoops: I know. It’s appalling, isn’t it? Do you like fish?

Sgt Stripes: I’m not sure. What’s a fish?

Snoops: They swim in water. They are pretty tasty.

Sgt Stripes: Maybe Blondie could get me one of those. I’d be willing to try it.

Snoops: Or maybe you’d like turkey. They only get the full turkey once a year, but you can get it from the store in slices. It’s pretty yummy. But my very favorite from the store is ham.

Sgt Stripes: What’s a ham?

Snoops: I’m not really sure. But you can get it in slices or a big hunk. I like the slices best. It’s the only edible part when the humans get pizza. I don’t get it very often. It’s like a treat.

Sgt Stripes: Before I moved into the house, I got to share some ice cream. It was extremely delicious. I haven’t seen any since. Do they still have that?

Snoops: They only eat that in the hot weather. But that’s coming up. Make sure you ask for it. The humans are okay with sharing, but they don’t always think about it.

Sgt Stripes: Okay. I want to try ham, turkey, fish, and ice cream. Thanks, Snoops! You were a lot of help. This might even make up for no voles.

Snoops: Glad to help. Now let me get back to my sun puddle.

Sgt Stripes and the Great Vole Hunt

March 16, 2024 | cat9984

Sgt Stripes here. I love being an indoor kitty. I have humans to take care of me and lots of windows to look out. I have plenty of toys and can pretty much get tummy rubs on demand. I even have an electric tummy warmer. (Mom calls it a bed warmer.) But there’s one thing that has taken a little getting used to: the food.

Back when I lived outside, I had to hunt for food. We live in a pretty open area. Mom has two acres and there’s forty acres on the lot next door. I didn’t have much trouble getting what I needed. (Don’t tell Mom, but I got a few treats from the neighbors too.) I was attracted to Mom and my human brother because they put kibble out regularly. It was a nice contrast to my diet of field mice and voles.

When I came inside, they tried to feed me kibble and wet food. I love the kibble, but the wet food tasted really weird. I didn’t like it. I kept trying to tell them that I really wanted a vole, but they never seemed to understand. I asked Mr Google to find me some vole-flavored food, but I didn’t have any luck. All I could find was ways to get rid of voles. I don’t want to poison them. If I poison them, I can’t eat them.

Right now, I’m eating mainly kibble. Occasionally, I’ll have some chicken and tuna stew and some treats, It’s not that I don’t like my kibble, but it gets a little boring. I’d really like something fresh. My human brother gave me goose one time. That was pretty tasty, but I really don’t like human food (except ice cream).

I talked to Snoops about it. She lived outside for a while before she ended up at the shelter. She understood what I meant. She says that’s the main reason she occasionally eats the mice she catches. It’s a flavor that none of the canned foods can match. We don’t really understand why there are vegetables in some cat food, but no mice or voles.

I tried eating a couple of the mice I found upstairs. (It’s one of the advantages of living in an old farmhouse. It’s easy for mice to get in.) They were pretty tasty, but they really didn’t taste like the ones I had outside. Snoops says it’s because of what they eat. Apparently the humans aren’t really good about keeping all the food in the pantry locked in airtight containers. It has come to their attention that mice love sweets. On occasion, they’ve eaten large (for a mouse) quantities of chocolate chips and baking chocolate.

I guess I prefer grass-fed mice and voles. There have been a few mice since I came inside, but no voles. I saw that one of the pet stores around here has voles. I tried to talk Mom into buying a couple, but she wouldn’t do it. She won’t buy any of the fun animals: no mice, no voles, no gerbils, no hamsters. So I’m kind of stuck.

I think Mom feels bad because I don’t like wet food. I think she’s tried every flavor they make. I don’t want to make her feel bad; it’s not her fault that cat food doesn’t come in the really good flavors. Maybe I could write a letter to the cat-food companies and suggest they try something different.