Today we are sitting in on a symposium hosted by Dr. Furvak, PhD, psychologist to the kitties. He is describing some of his more intense cases. (Please note that names have been changed to protect the patients’ identities.)

Welcome, everyone! Thank you for coming today. I know many of you are skipping sun puddles and nap time to be here, so let’s get to it! Today, I will be discussing 10 of my clients and their diagnoses, as according to the Feline Diagnostic Pages. Please, save all questions for the end.

First off, we have a case of antisocial personality disorder in Empress Sable. This diagnosis was made based on her aloofness, the fact that she hisses at every other cat who comes near her, and her unwillingness to come downstairs. She seems to exclusively hang out on beds, and only ventures out for treats. However, she thinks nothing of bringing her toys (living or otherwise) onto her human’s bed and playing with them while she tries to sleep. This makes her the perfect candidate for an antisocial diagnosis. Treatment options include trying to integrate other cats into her day to day life, as well as exposure to being downstairs. 

Next, we have Rascal, a classic case of bulimia. This pretty kitty frequently scarfs down food, and a lot of it, knowing that she’s eating way too much. She then hacks it up on the carpet about five minutes later. She’ll binge on anything, from treats, to chicken, to kibble. Treatments may include food pacing, and toy therapy, to help distract from the urge to binge and purge. This can have extreme effects on her health, and we will continue to monitor her closely. 

Up next is Clarice who has been diagnosed with schizoaffective. Miss Angel here believes that there is really a red dot, and that it is truly out to get her, despite reassurances from other cats and humans. Furthermore, she has extreme fits of sweetness, followed by an irrational need to gnaw on people, both their hands and their faces, often with no warning. Treatment options include anti-cat-sotics, probably in the form of a catnip capsule, and alternative toys to play with, perhaps kick toys that can help her get out her aggression.

Next is Squeaker and her post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). From her own reports, she was hunted and almost eaten by a foreign cat. This came after her rough beginning of being abandoned in a window well and having to rely on strange humans for help. She often has flashbacks and nightmares, and reacts by tremoring and having tummy issues. We are working with sun puddle therapy and nap hypnosis to help her through this terrifying disorder. 

We’ll look at Critter next, who has major depressive disorder. Critter, while a very sweet, intelligent, beautiful cat, has no desire to do anything but lay around. While she does move from spot to spot (i.e. sun puddle to couch to pillow), she rarely engages in other activities and is very subdued. We are trying Purr-zac with her, as well as talk therapy (although sessions have proved to be difficult, as she tends to fall asleep within the first five minutes). 

Following closely on the footsteps of MDD is Amber with her GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Gypsy is always high strung and stressed out. Even little changes can put her on edge. She recalled a very traumatizing night of being stuck with the two mini humans recently, and still is not coming out for typical meals or pets. She also tends to hide out as high as possible, we believe so she can combat any danger (no matter how safe the area is) before the danger combats her. Exposure therapy to her stressors is our current treatment option. 

Up next we have Bear with bipolar disorder. Bear goes through weeks of depression, where she simply lays and stares at the wall. Other times, she’s hyperactive, pouncing from toy to toy and batting her human’s shoe laces. These episodes are extreme and hinder her day to day naps and feeding schedules. We are trying a combination of Purr-zac, Fish-ium, and play therapy, along with bi weekly nap therapy sessions. 

Next up we have Skater Boi and his narcissistic personality disorder. Since winning Mr October in the calendar competition, Sarge has been preening a lot more. He’s also often heard referring to himself as “America’s most handsomest man cat”, and he’s not shy about letting other cats know that he is beautiful, wonderful, and perfect. To date, no treatments have been effective, as he does not want to change his line of thought. 

Following this is Creamsicle, a kitten with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Creamsicle can not focus on one activity longer than 30 seconds, often playing with multiple toys at once, only to abandon them all for a ribbon or cardboard box. Furthermore, Creamsicle leaves his personal effects strewn everywhere, forgetting where he left his favorite treat dish or mousie. We are working on calming and focus techniques with Creamsicle, and are hoping as he advances into adulthood to see major improvements. 

Finally, we have Princess, who has a classic case of oppositional defiant disorder. Similar to reactive attachment disorder, Snoops gets very attached to one or two beings and becomes very possessive of them. Furthermore, she refuses to let anyone else near them. She also will intentionally knock over glasses, both full and empty, sit on top of what you’re doing, and just outright refuse to listen. As with Sgt Stripes, she sees nothing wrong with this, so treatment is at a standstill. 

Thank you for listening to my cases! I am always open to new treatment suggestions, and am currently taking on new clients. Feel free to look up my other talks, including “Catatonic: Issue or Insult?” and “Only Child Syndrome: How to Tell Your Cat They’re Not the Only Center of Attention Anymore”. 

Ed. Note: This post is in no way intended to make fun of humans with any of these conditions. Cat lives with mental illness as do several close relatives.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.