20

Favoritism Alert: Gotcha Days and Birthdays

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Greeting fellow felines and their humans. It’s Snoops and I am speaking for the ladies of the house: Angel, Gypsy, Onyx, and myself.  We think there is some sexism brewing among the humans. Technically, we should be the stronger team: 6 girls (4 cats and 2 human) against 4 boys (1 cat and 3 humans – two of them very small.) However, that has not been the case.

Last week was Sgt Stripes’ second Gotcha Day, and the two small humans each had a birthday. Toddler A turned four and Toddler B turned three. (Which actually means that Toddler A is no longer technically a toddler.) You should have seen all the fuss!

Toddler A and Toddler B (we will be thinking up new names shortly) had a combined birthday dinner last week. It was homemade macaroni and cheese, which Angel and I enjoyed sharing. Gypsy and Onyx really don’t care for human food. And nothing was provided for them at all. The dessert was an ice cream cake. Angel had a little bit of that, but the rest of us were not interested. It was almost like we weren’t really part of the family.

They got a bunch of presents too. There was only one that we could enjoy. They got a little tent for the living room, and it really is a good place to get away from them. We’re going to have to figure out some way to make it toddler-proof. After all, they got a lot of other stuff that we can’t use. They need to learn that sharing is caring.

Then on Monday, it was Sarge’s Gotcha Day. What a waste! He got a fancy cat-dancer kind of toy. And a treat ball toy that looks like a hamster cage. And some of the new flavor Temptations treats.

Guess what I got for my most recent Gotcha Day? Absolutely nothing. Nobody remembers my Gotcha Day. (Because nobody remembers what day it was.) Same thing for Angel and Gypsy and Onyx. Just because Sgt Stripes was on 9/9, everybody remembers it. Do you think that’s fair? We don’t.

Toddler A and Toddler B never give us stuff. We try to avoid them. Angel used to be buddies with Toddler B. But since he’s moved here, all he does is push her away if she tries to share his food. What good are little humans if they don’t share their food with us? They’re loud and sticky. Wonder when they’re going to turn into real humans?

Sgt Stripes here. I’ve been listening to the ladies’ complaints, and they are not giving the full picture at all. I did get good stuff on my Gotcha Day, but I’ve been sharing with them. Even my special Tasty Human treats. It’s not my fault that the humans remember my Gotcha Day. Maybe we should pick some random day to celebrate the ladies?

Of course, they’re kinda mean to me. Onyx and Gypsy aren’t too bad, but every time I get near Snoops or Angel, they start to hiss at me. Snoops growls and looks mean too. I’m not doing anything to them. Mom says that Angel is just afraid, and Snoops is still mad at me for running after Kommando Kitty when I first got here. I wish they’d get over it; it really hurts my feelings.

And Gypsy’s getting special treatment. We’re not supposed to get near my human brother’s plants, but Gypsy’s started hiding in the big aloe vera he’s growing. They say it’s because she’s sitting near it, not on it. I still think it’s unfair. She spends a lot of time in there. (Probably trying to stay away from Angel. They have some kind of girl thing going on between them.)

Since the house has been opened up, I’m downstairs at breakfast time. I didn’t want to be left out, so I’m starting to eat wet food. Not as much as the ladies, but a little bit. We all eat in the kitchen at the same time. Nobody’s trying to eat anybody’s else’s food. Onyx doesn’t like wet food, but the rest of us get along for that 20 minutes.

I guess it’s a start.

14

Cheeseland Election: Breaking News

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Angel Katt: I’m here on the streets of Cheeseland reporting on a late-breaking story. We have received an anonymous tip that Thomas Tabby has been arrested for PUI (prowling under the influence). It would be a clear contradiction to his clean-cut image. Our investigative reporter, Sgt Stripes, is on his way to the police station to try to get to the bottom of the story. In the meantime, let’s talk to some experts on what this might mean to his campaign. First, we have his campaign manager, Elise.

   

Elise: I haven’t had a chance to talk with Thomas, but there must be some mistake.

Chris Cougar: I’m afraid that the stress may have gotten to Thomas. He has a full-time job, a family, and a full-time campaign. He probably just made a mistake.

Angel: Do you think it will have an impact on his electability?

Why Is Your Dog Giving You The Side-Eye?

Simon Snake: I don’t think there’s any questions about it. If he’s a user, he’s a loser.

Basil Bowser: Absolutely. Nip addicts have no place in our government. I think this will land a fatal blow to that rotter’s limping campaign.

Angel: With all due respect, all polling shows that Thomas is the overwhelming favorite to win.

Basil: Hmmph! You can’t trust polls.

What To Know About Moles in Your Yard

Angel: I’m getting a report from Sgt Stripes. What’s happening down there, Stripes?

Sgt Stripes: The only thing I’ve been able to find out so far is that they definitely picked up a Tabby cat for PUI. But there seems to be a question of who that Tabby cat is.

Angel: What do you mean?

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know how to put this delicately. Umm, this station is employs a fair number of moles. And moles do not have the best vision. Basically they think that all Tabbies look the same. In fact, they confused me with their suspect.

Angel: Don’t they know the cat’s name?

Sgt Stripes: That’s where it gets a little weird. He told them that his name is Thomas Tabby. But I know Thomas, and this guy is not him.

Angel: Maybe it’s a different Thomas Tabby?

Sgt Stripes: He’s telling them that he’s the guy running for office.

Angel: Hang on for a sec, Sgt Stripes. It appears that Onyx may have a piece to the puzzle. What do you have?

Onyx:I found a video on CatTok that I think belongs to that cat.

Angel: What does he say?

Onyx: He says that he has a brother who’s running for office, and he’s set up an epic prank.

Angel: What’s the prank?

Onyx: He says we have to wait and see.

Sgt Stripes: That’s everything? We have to wait? Thomas’s reputation is at stake, and it’s less than two months before the election. He can’t wait for someone to clear this up. We need answers!

Angel: Calm down Stripes. I put our tech guru on it, and he thinks he’s found something.

The Infinite Monkey Theorem Comes To Life : 13.7: Cosmos And Culture : NPR

Chuck Chimp: I’ve found a recording of our guy talking to somebody about what was going to happen tonight. Listen to this.

Voice #1: My brother thinks he’s so great. He thinks he’s Mr Perfect with his perfect wife and perfect kids and perfect job. Now he thinks he’s gonna be working with the humans. Well, that’s is not going to happen. I’m going to show everyone that he’s not so perfect.

Cats talking Stock Photos, Royalty Free Cats talking Images | Depositphotos

Voice #2: What are you going to do?

Voice #1: Let’s just say that a few nip cocktails and an obnoxious Tabby cat are going to put a crimp in his perfect reputation. Those moles can’t tell one of us from another.

Angel: Where did you get that?

Chuck: You told me to solve the puzzle. I solved the puzzle.

Sgt Stripes: I knew Thomas wasn’t that kind of cat.

Angel: I hope this doesn’t impact him negatively.

Sgt Stripes: Everyone knows that you can’t pick your family. He should be fine.

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

14

Gator Family Wedding: Preparations

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Stan and Adele invited Uncle Stu and Amanda over for an end-of-summer barbeque. Uncle Stu had been spending most of his time at Amanda’s since he asked her to marry him.

Adele: How is the wedding planning going? Have you set a date?

Amanda: We wanted to do it this fall, but we’ve been having trouble finding a place to hold it.

Uncle Stu: Yeah, my son Vinny wanted us to hold it at the place he works. It’s some kind of fancy resort.

Amanda: It’s very sweet of him, but that place is full of humans. I don’t think the family would be comfortable there.

Suzy: I do not want to party with humans. I’m afraid of them. They make belts and shoes out of us.

Justine: That’s not all humans.

Suzy: You can’t tell good humans from killer humans. We might be feasting on boa burgers and have one of them grab us.

Justine: That’s just silly. But I think I’d rather avoid the resort anyway. It’s too crowded.

Amanda: That’s what we decided.

Uncle Stu: It’s too bad. Vinny could have gotten us a great discount. I was really hoping to have it in Nova Scotia. That’s where Amanda and I first fell in love. And she saved my life.

Amanda: It was really just your tail that needed saving.

Uncle Stu. Good thing too. I’m rather fond of my tail.

Adele: That seems like a long way away. And it gets pretty cold there in the fall.

Uncle Stu: That’s the problem.

Amanda: Stu’s doctors told him that if he gets his tail cold again, they probably couldn’t save it.

Justine: So Nova Scotia is out.

Uncle Stu: Unless I could get some of my bear friends to help.

Suzy: I’m afraid of bears too. Don’t they eat alligators?

Stan: I don’t think so, honey. We don’t really see many bears in gator country. And they are very civilized.

Amanda: I said that I didn’t want to take a chance on Stu’s tail. So Nova Scotia’s out.

Uncle Stu: There was a nice place not too far from where I live in Miami.

Amanda: It’s beautiful. On the beach, with a great view of the ocean.

Adele: That sounds lovely. Was it too expensive?

Amanda: Not really. The problem was actually the staff.

Adele: What do you mean? Were they not well trained?

Uncle Stu: Well, it’s a little embarrassing. The staff is mainly flamingos and other birds.

Stan: What does that have to do with anything?

Uncle Stu: Maybe you don’t remember, but there are a few members of the family who find poultry rather delicious. And since we will be having fermented fruit juice as part of the refreshments, we don’t want anything inappropriate happening.

Amanda: That would be a terrible stain on the memory.

Justine: And probably illegal. That would be awful.

Uncle Stu: We thought about going to Hawaii and having a luau with a pig roast.

Amanda: But it would be ridiculously expensive to get everyone there.

Uncle Stu: I like the idea of a pig roast. Maybe we could use one of those wild hogs that are causing so much trouble in Florida.

Suzy: Like the one we had at the family reunion a few years ago. It was delicious.

Amanda: That might be fine for the dinner, but we need to find someplace to get married.

Uncle Stu: I know, sweetheart. I got carried away thinking about the food.

Suzy: It would be really romantic to get married on the beach.

Justine: Ooh, that would be beautiful.

Amanda: I like that idea!

Uncle Stu: Okay, but how do we find a beach? Are we talking ocean or any sand next to some water?

Amanda: You’re so silly. Ocean, of course.

Stan: You should talk to Granny Gertie. She knows a lot of interesting animals. She probably has a friend somewhere who could help you.

Uncle Stu: You’re right. My sister seems to know everyone in southern Florida. I’ll call her when we get home.

Suzy: I can hardly wait!

Pictures created with Canva AI Picture Generator. (We will probably not be using it again until we are better at it.)

19

Sgt Stripes, Therapist Extraordinaire

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Hi everyone! It’s Sgt Stripes here. Today, I’m going to show you what one of my therapaw sessions looks like! 

Many of you know that I provide emotional support for Blondie (and the other humans in the house). But recently, I expanded my services to support outside animals as well. I’ve decided to show the transcript of one of my recent patients, Rebecca Rabbit. (She has signed a consent form.)

Sgt Stripes: Rebecca, welcome to my office! It is so nice to meet you. What can I help you with?

Rebecca: Hi, Dr. Stripes. I appreciate you seeing me. I feel depressed. And sort of like I’m being watched all the time. I hope you can help me. 

Sgt Stripes: I would love to help you! Why do you think you’re depressed? 

Rebecca: Well, I feel really tired. I have no energy, nor do I have a desire to do anything. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh, that’s normal. I sleep for up to 16 hours a day! What else makes you think you’re depressed? 

Rebecca: I feel sad a lot. I can’t stop worrying about the potential carrot shortage that comes with the winter. 

Sgt Stripes: Well, I’d be upset too if I had to eat carrots and veggies. You should try vole. Or ice cream. They’re delicious! 

Rebecca: Uh… I don’t eat meat. Or dairy. I’m more of a vegan. 

Sgt Stripes: Okay, yeah, I’d be really depressed if I were a vegan. 

Rebecca: Um… okay, well, I also feel like I don’t accomplish enough. 

Sgt Stripes: Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that. Just use your good looks and charm to get you through life. Now, I know you mentioned feelings of paranoia. Can you go deeper into that?

Rebecca: Yes. It’s the oddest thing. We just had a family of coyotes move in next to us, and I swear I overheard them discussing a recipe for rabbit pie. And I think the dad watches our every move. I always catch him staring at me and my family. 

Sgt Stripes: Well, can you blame them? You do look rather delicious. 

Rebecca: That’s not helping! 

Sgt Stripes: Sorry, sorry. Please continue. 

Rebecca: My mom tried to encourage me to be friends with the baby coyotes, but they keep talking about a chasing game. And I don’t like being chased. I’d rather go berry picking. 

Sgt Stripes: Ooh, we could play Pounce! I love Pounce!

Rebecca: NO! No, thank you. I’m not really sure if this is going to work out…

Sgt Stripes: Well, I think this is going well. Why would you say otherwise? 

Rebecca: I feel like you see me more as a potential toy, or even meal, than a client. 

Sgt Stripes: Well, it’s not my fault you appear to be a meal or a toy. I’m just giving you advice based on how you present. 

Rebecca: I think this session is over. I really need to look into the therapy offered by the deer.

Sgt Stripes: Fine. But come back next week! I’ll teach you how to play Pounce! 

Rebecca: No. Thank you. 

Sgt Stripes: Fine. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Rebecca. Good luck in life.

Rebecca: Thanks, Sarge. Same to you. 

Don’t I make a pawsome therapawist? Let me know if you, or someone you know, could benefit from my services! 

16

Ask Snoops: Fact or Fiction – Election Edition

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Angel: I still can’t believe they replaced me with a gopher for the Cheeseland debate. It’s so unfair! That was my job.

Sgt Stripes: I wouldn’t worry about it. From what I hear, that dog is running a pretty shady campaign

Angel: Really? Because I’ve heard that Thomas Tabby isn’t as clean-cut as he likes to claim.

Sgt Stripes: He can’t be as bad as the dog.

Angel: I don’t know…

Gypsy: You guys should ask Snoops. She knows a lot. She can probably tell you who’s telling the truth.

Sgt Stripes: Maybe we will. Angel, tell Snoops what you’ve heard about Thomas.

Angel; Here’s the rumor: He has said that Tabocracy really means that Tabbies will be in charge of everything and that ultimately everyone will be speaking cat.

Snoops: There is no record of him ever saying that. Thomas wants all of the animals to cooperate with each other, but he has never said that would require a common language. I think that would be considered a false rumor.

Capybara - Wikipedia

Sgt Stripes: What else are folks saying about Thomas?

Angel: I’ve heard that Thomas has refused to hire certain species at the Bank and Trust.

Snoops: The Bank and Trust has been taken to court for showing favoritism toward cats. There is no evidence that Thomas was directly involved in any of the practices. He personally has a capybara as his assistant.

Angel: What about the rumor that one of his kittens is secretly working for Remy?

Snoops: That really isn’t much of a secret. His daughter is an intern on the “Ruff and Ready” communications team.

Sgt Stripes: OK. Enough about Thomas. What about the rumor that Remy is taking campaign contributions from known criminals?

Snoops: That is technically correct. Remy took a contribution from a bear who was involved in a money-laundering scheme several years ago. Once Remy understood where the money was coming from, he returned the contribution.

Sgt Stripes: Did Remy tell his supporters that the most fun he’s had with a cat was chasing it up a tree?

Snoops: That one is not easily defined. Remy is a Golden Retriever. When he was young, he occasionally chased cats. He says he doesn’t remember ever saying that, but he can’t guarantee that he did not. He says that it was a mistake to chase cats, and he would never do it today.

Sgt Stripes: Did he have a special “all dog” rally so he could say whatever he wanted to about cats?

Snoops: I would say that rumor is false. He did end up with all dogs at one of his events, but it was totally unintentional. Remy understands that he has to appeal to all voters, not just the canine ones. He is trying to be more careful about where he holds his rallies so all his supporters feel safe, not just the dogs.

Sgt Stripes: Last question. Does Remy have a group of attack dogs he’s using to intimidate the voters?

Snoops: There are dogs that have volunteered for that role. There is no evidence that Remy hired them.

Sgt Stripes: Let’s hope we have a safe, uneventful election.

Capybara courtesy of Google Images

16

Free Range Cats

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Snoops: Quiet down, everyone. I called this meeting of the Cat Council to figure out what we’re going to do with this week’s blog post.

Sgt Stripes: What does Mom want to do?

Snoops: That’s the problem. She’s been so busy watching the little humans for the past couple of weeks that I think she might have broken her brain.

Onyx: How do you break your brain? Is it permanent?

Snoops: I think it’s just an expression for when humans get really tired and don’t want to think anymore.

Sgt Stripes: Maybe we could write about how mean the lady cats are to me. All I want to do is play.

Angel: I thought that was going to get better when you got to come downstairs.

Sgt Stripes: I did too. The humans told me that you were a nice kitty. But you hiss at me every time I walk by.

Angel: Not every time. Some times I ignore you.

Sgt Stripes: I really wanted to be able to roam the whole house. But it’s really not working out the way I thought it would. I thought it was going to be great with all the extra space.

Snoops: It is kind of weird how it’s working out. Only three of us are even moving between the upstairs and downstairs.

Gypsy: I really like it upstairs. It’s more space than I’ve ever had. I don’t see any reason to go exploring. I have everything I need up there.

Angel: And I feel the same way about being downstairs. Everything I might need is on one floor.

Onyx: You guys should really move around more. I love being able to sleep on one of the beds upstairs and then go downstairs and roam around. There are a lot of places to jump.

Sgt Stripes: Onyx is right. The really good jumping opportunities are downstairs.

Gypsy: I have plenty of spots to jump onto upstairs. I feel much more secure staying upstairs right now. Maybe I’ll go downstairs at some point, but I’m happy with the way things are.

Snoops: The part that really bugs me is how messed up the feeding schedule is. I know that Mom still serves the wet food before she goes to work, but sometimes I’m still in the basement because there’s a crowd.

Angel: She’s right. That big tabby cat is always lying in the kitchen.

Snoops: And he doesn’t even like wet food.

Sgt Stripes: I want to make sure I don’t miss out on anything. The kitchen is the center of everything that happens in the morning.

Snoops: Our household is not that exciting. What do you think you might miss?

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know, but something good might happen. And I want to be in the center of all the good stuff.

Snoops: Treats have gotten really messed up. It used to be that Sarge and I both got treats in the morning.

Sgt Stripes: Yeah, but those Belleville cats want treats all the time. Onyx even knows how to open all of the containers.

Onyx: I always share the bounty with you.

Sgt Stripes: That’s true. I can’t complain about that. But I wish you liked other flavors. Creamy dairy is getting old.

Gypsy: You shouldn’t complain. Since you’re getting your treats downstairs, the humans forget about me sometimes.

Angel: That’s terrible! Maybe Onyx can teach you how to get your own..

Gypsy: Ooh. That’s a good idea!

Sgt Stripes: Sometimes I get double treats. One time with Snoops and one time with Onyx.

Onyx: Yeah. Mom isn’t very good about keeping track of when we get treats. We can usually get them twice a day if she’s really busy.

Snoops: That reminds me. Mom is pretty upset that no one is sleeping with her now that we can go wherever we want. She says she’s getting lonely.

Sgt Stripes: Why don’t you sleep with her?

Snoops: I don’t really go upstairs in the hot weather. What about you?

Sgt Stripes: I prefer to watch out the window. I want to keep everyone safe.

Angel: We’re all getting used to the new set-up. I bet Mom will have company when it gets colder.

The cats all nod and decide that life is pretty good.

Sgt Stipes: Time for a kibble break.

6

The Great Cheeseland Debate

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Editors Note: As you know, Angel Katt is our political reporter. She was scheduled to moderate this debate.However, members of Remy the Golden Retriever’s team had a concern that she wouldn’t be fair to him because she’s a cat. We were very disappointed that it was a issue. Angel has been very professional to this point. We were forced to get an outside moderator for the debate. Gordie Gopher will be moderating the debate. We believe that he is well-qualified; however, we had to pay extra as hazard pay since he could possibly be considered prey by both of the candidates.

Mammals - Mammals - Animal Encyclopedia

Gordie: Welcome to the Cheeseland debate. We will be asking Thomas Tabby and Remy the Golden Retriever some general interest question to get a better idea of who would be the best humans liaison. After the introductions, both candidates will have the opportunity to answer the same questions.

The Most Talkative & Vocal Tabby Cat In The World!

Gordie: Thomas, tell us what is a tabocracy?

Thomas: Good evening everyone. It’s actually very simple. It’s a government with maximum input from the Tabbies. Of course, we would include more cats than just the Tabbies. It would begin with me being the liaison to the humans, then expanding our role to the maximum potential.

How Much Does a Golden Retriever Bark?

Gordie: Tell us what you are rough and ready for.

Remy: Hello. I’m ready to be the representative for all animals, not just the ones that look like me. You may think of us as being lovable, dumb hunters. I’m here to show that there’s more to us than the stereotype.

Premium Photo | A group cute of cats are gathered together

Gordie: Do you think certain animals are over-represented in Cheeseland?

Thomas: I don’t thinks it’s a question of over-representation. There are a lot of feline-oriented activities, but there are a lot of cats in Cheese land. And others are always welcome to join in.

Remy: Of course, the cat doesn’t see it. When was the last time anyone saw a dog reporting on the blog? Most of the businesses cater to cats. The humans need to see that it is a problem.

Should You Bring Your Dog to the Office? - Lemonade Pet

Gordie: What will your first step be, if elected?

Remy::I think the first thing to do is set up some focus groups to see what the animals want from the humans. It’s time for a fresh start.

Thomas: I think that all human places need to be animal-friendly. we need to be safe from being stepped on and locked out of places. Everyone deserves respect, and I’m the cat to get it for you.

Is It Safe for Cats to Eat Catnip?

Gordie: There are rumors that one or both of you are trying to bribe the voters. What do you say?

Thomas: That’s ridiculous. I’m a cat. What could I possibly bribe them with. The catnip at my rallies is available to anyone who wants it. You don’t need to promise to vote for me.

Remy: Likewise for the doggy treats at my rallies. They’re free to anyone.

Adorable golden retriever puppy with a ...

Gordie: What is the #1 problem with the humans?

Remy: I wouldn’t really call it a problem… but they could be a little more open to the animal perspective.

Thomas: Agreed. It’s like they think they’re better than us. They need to understand that in Cheeseland, we’re all equal. Just because they have opposable thumbs does not mean they are always right.

What Is A Group Of Cats Called? | Petbarn

Gordie: How do you see your role evolving?

Thomas: I think that we should evolve into an equal partnership for virtually all decision-making. Because they’re bigger, they seem to think they should be running everything. If there are more animals than humans, we should be in charge.

Remy: I’d like to see more of a partnership. we are man’s best friend. I’d be happy just being included in everything.

Why are Golden Retrievers So Loyal and Friendly? - Golden Woofs

Gordie: Any final words?

Remy: Please remember that harmony and fair play are the best way to get what you want in the long run.

Thomas: We need the humans to fully understand our need to live our best lives. That’s what you’ll see if you let a Tabby do the talking.

EDITORIAL: The importance of local voting – The Daily Eastern News

Gordie: That’s it for us. Thank you for joining us. Hopefully, you have a better understanding of the candidates now..

Pictures courtesy of Google Images.

20

Cats in the Doghouse

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Hi everybody! It’s me, Onyx. The beautiful black house panther. I’ve been having a great time since they opened up the house a couple of weeks below. We all now have full run of the house. No more upstairs cats and downstairs cats. It’s just cats. I love it. I can go where I want, when I want. I”m still Blondie’s therapy cat, but now I can get treats downstairs from Mom too.

Sgt Stripes is enjoying the freedom too. He’s upstairs part of the time and downstairs part of the time. He particularly loves the downstairs windows. Snoops is upstairs part of the time now. The only ones that aren’t taking advantage of the extra space are Gypsy and Angel. Gypsy stays upstairs and Angel stays downstairs. Hopefully they’ll be moving around soon.

a

Mom isn’t too sure about the new arrangement. We cats are adapting to each other at our own pace, but there have been a few hiccups. I’ll tell you about a few of them.

The Crime: Hissing at Sgt Stripes whenever he comes near.

The Criminal: Angel.

The Excuse: I want to make sure he doesn’t attack me or try to play pounce with me.

The Crime: Playing pounce on unsuspecting cats

The Criminal: Sgt Stripes

The Excuse: I just want someone to place with. I can’t believe I’m living with four other cats and no one wants to play with me.

The Crime: Growling at Sgt Stripes whenever he comes near.

The Criminal: Snoops

The Excuse: I will never forgive him for scaring Kommando Kitty by running after her and pouncing

The Crime: Chewing through a bag of treats and opening a canister of treats

The Criminal: Onyx

The Excuse: I was hungry and those are my favorite thing to eat.

The Crime: Cornering Snoops on the litter box.

The Criminal: Gypsy

The Excuse: I was just watching. I wasn’t going to touch her.

The Crime: Eating Snoops wet food if Snoops saves some for later.

The Criminal: Angel.

The Excuse: I want to make sure nothing is wasted.

The Crime: Licking everyone’s wet food before the owner can eat it.

The Criminal: Sgt Stripes

The Excuse: I keep hoping I’ll find some that I like.

The Crime: Hiding in rooms that are normally closed off (e.g., the front porch and the study).

The Criminal: Snoops

The Excuse: I need peace and quiet. No matter where I go, there’s another cat.

The Crime: Knocking things off the shelves and dressers

The Criminal: Gypsy

The Excuse: I’m trying to make the house less cluttered.

Coming Next Week: The Great Debate:            

19

Five-Alarm Cat Fight

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Hi Everyone. Snoops here. Mom says I should change the title of this post. It’s actually about five cats trying to share space. There wasn’t really any fight. Just a lot of irritation.n

Sgt Stripes: I agree it’s been rather irritating around here recently.

Snoops: What are you talking about. You’re the source of the problem.

Angel: I agree. Things were running pretty smoothly with you, Onyx, and Gypsy upstairs. While Snoops and I got the first floor.

Sgt Stripes: I beg to differ. You two might have been doing okay. But it was getting kind of crowded upstairs.

Gypsy: What do you mean? I thought it was pretty nice. You and I shared two bedrooms and Gypsy shared with Blondie.

Sgt Stripes: You have a weird definition of sharing. Everyone knows that the male human is mine. We like to spend time doing guy stuff. And you kept going into his room and taking the prime spot on his bed. And you would never leave, even when I asked nicely.

Gypsy: Well, you spent a lot of time with Blondie. You don’t get to have two humans

Snoops: Calm down. I think the real problem was with Blondie. She went out of town for a couple of weeks. That left two humans with two small humans and five cats. There definitely weren’t enough humans to go around.

Gypsy: Don’t forget that the male human went away too. It was only one adult human and the rest of us.

Onyx: That was awful. I was really lonely.

Sgt Stripes: All I know is that Gypsy started hogging my human. I needed to find more space. The one thing the little humans are good for is leaving the door between the upstairs and downstairs open. I decided that I was going to go down every time I had the chance.

Snoops: Yeah. It was pretty annoying. For a while, every time I looked at the stairs, you were there. It was rather unpleasant. I had to wait for someone to take you back upstairs several times each day.

Sgt Stripes: Then it finally happened. Mom was the only adult human home. And the two small humans kept leaving the door open. So she decided that it would be easier to just let us sort it out. It was great.

Snoops: Speak for yourself, Sarge. Angel and I tried to set boundaries. We hissed when you got too close. And with all the space, you still wanted to be with us all the time.

Sgt Stripes: That’s true. You two were not really very friendly. My feelings really got hurt. I just want to be buddies.

Angel: I was just getting used to living with Snoops. Then you came along. And Onyx.

Onyx: I agree with Sgt Stripes. It’s great having all this room. And there are so many places to explore. And I thought I might be in the market for a new human.

Angel: Your human came home. It’s time to go back upstairs.

Onyx: I think I like it better having full run of the house. Besides, Gypsy is still upstairs. She’s kind of grumpy.

Gypsy: I’m not grumpy. Sometimes, I just want to be alone.

Sgt Stripes: You should try coming downstairs. There’s all kinds of stuff to explore.

Gypsy: You just want me to get out of “your” human’s room. I am perfectly happy upstairs by myself.

Sgt Stripes: He is my human and you’re mean to not let me spend time in there anymore.

Gypsy: What are you talking about? Snoops even came into his room.

Snoops: That’s right. There is excellent Cat TV in that room.

Sgt Stripes: Now that all of the humans are back, maybe we can each start getting the attention we deserve.

Snoops: I think it’s going to take some time to get used to you hanging around all the time. I’m spending time on the enclosed porch to get away from you.

Sgt Stripes: Yeah. I’m not allowed out there. Mom says you need “alone” time. I don’t really get it, but she’s pretty definite about it. Hope you get over it soon.

Onyx: You know. If we can all get along, I bet we could get more from the humans.

Sgt Stripes: I like the way you think, Onyx

25

Arthur’s Big Adventure

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Hello. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Arthur MacArthur the Cat. I respond to many names, including Arthur Baby, Prince Arthur, and Stinky Orange Boy.
I lived a hard life on the streets, starving and sick, until Mom and Granddad noticed my plucky attitude and natural charm, scooped me up, and took me inside.
After that (and some visits to the nice cat doctor and all his adoring friends) things were much better. I got warm snuggles, wet dinner every night, and tons of things to play with. I grew very long with all the delicious food and fun exercise!
Mom got me so many wondrous gifts to match my elevated status as housecat.
One of my favorite things to do is survey my kingdom from my newly acquired castle. There’s so many windows here from which I can relax and safely watch the goings-on of lesser beasts. The best part are the thin screens, which let me hear and smell my holdings most effectively.
Alas! These ingenious devices became my literal downfall two weeks ago. One morning, I laid in my usual spot in the window, my body pressed close to the screen in order to enjoy the summer breeze. Suddenly, the screen and window frame separated below me and I fell.
Oof! Ouch! The indignity! Bewildered and vulnerable in the wide-open backyard, I darted to the safety of a nearby tree.
Once I had climbed the tree, however, I realized the opportunity that had serendipitously come to me. A world of exploration awaited, starting with the top of this tree. I crawled and jumped higher, until the branches of the tree met with a roof.
Yet more opportunity for adventure! I jumped down to the roof, hoping to view even more of my domain from the new vantage point. But the moment my paws touched the shingles, I immediately filled with panic and regret. Too steep! It took all my skills just to cling to the sharply inclining angle. Even for a cat as graceful and acrobatic as I, this roof was a terrible perch!
Trying to escape the roof was fruitless. Too high to jump down, too steep to jump back up to the trees. I called for help, to no avail.
Some time later, Mom and Granddad must have noticed I was gone, because they began to yell for me. I meowed my loudest again, but it seemed no one could hear me.
I thought eventually they would figure out that I needed their help to get down, but they gave up and went to sleep! The complete idiots! Worst night ever!
I could hear them searching the next day, and I resumed my pleas. I thought Mom had heard me finally, but after searching everywhere nearby BUT the roof above, she gave up again! It’s like she completely forgot I’m a talented climber.
Just when it was getting late, and I was resigning myself to spending another awful night on the roof, Mom came running out of the house again! She looked up this time, so I meowed my displeasure at the situation.
Unfortunately, I was still unsure how to remove myself from the roof. Luckily, Mom climbed a ladder and offered me some delicious wet food, so that part was taken care of easily.
Once back inside, I had a lot of sleeping and eating to do—not to mention cleaning—before I felt like my old self again. I caught a sniffle from my stressful, hungry night on the roof, and I dont intend to repeat such an experience. The outdoors are not what I remember! Or maybe my standards have changed due to my recent indoor lifestyle?
I’m so happy to be back I’m willing to overlook the mistakes Mom and Granddad made in their search. Their incompetence delayed my return significantly, but since Mom nearly fell off the ladder in the process of helping me, I can forgive any shortcomings.
So now things are back to normal. Except I no longer get to lay by the window screen.
Ed. Note – Arthur lives with a friend of our human brother.