Category Archives: Miscellany

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What is Your Pet Wearing This Halloween?

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Our cats haven’t been invited to any Halloween parties this year. Probably because we took away their Facebook pages. They were using them to lure unsuspecting mice over for “parties”. Now we’ve “ruined their lives forever”.

(Important Note: I am obviously a cat lover. Before we go any further, I should also mention that I would never own a dog under 40 lbs and prefer them larger than that.)

Everyday at work, I walk past the pet supplies (it’s on the way to the breakroom). For the past few weeks I have been noticing the pet costumes. Valuing my blood, I have never considered putting a costume on any cat who’s owned me. It seems that in the cat world, kittens are cute and cats are elegant. And elegant does not want to dress up like a banana. I thought our assortment was rather far-ranging with animals (tigers, sharks, pigs, lions), food (hot dogs, pumpkins, bananas), and other (bees, convicts, college team jerseys). Little did I know.

I went online to see what else was available, just in case. The first thing I learned was that cat costumes are significantly different than dog costumes. Apparently I am not the only one with a fear of pushing feline feet into a clown costume. With one exception, they were all hats or things that go around the cat’s waist (do cats have waists?). I found tutus, wings, a clown ruffle and hat, a devil hood (stop the jokes dog lovers), a princess hat (obvious choice), and a cowboy hat with bandana. I did not find a cat looking amused in any of the pictures.

The same site had over 300 costumes for dogs. I think my favorite was the movie starlet: satiny dress, blonde wig, and fake boobs. It seems that it would give the dog body image issues. A couple of the others I thought were a little unusual were the watermelon fairy, the flower fairy, the woopie cushion, the mermaid, and the putter pup (tam, shirt, and pants). The cave dog was adorable. I’m not really sure how the dog picks out the costume he/she wants to wear. There must be some kind of system though: some of the dogs looked pretty happy and some looked miserable (they could have been channeling the cats, I suppose). Maybe it depends on whether “Mommy” listened to what the dog wanted or picked out something she thought was cute, but in reality the other dogs would laugh at. These costumes were all in the 415 – $45 range, but on sale at 20% off.

Another mistake I made was assuming that costumes were all for small dogs. There is also a site that caters to large dogs (shepherds and retrievers not mastiffs and newfies). I discovered that large dogs prefer to wear uniforms – police, fire, vets. There was also a devil outfit. I really liked the grrrroovy dog (looked like Jimi Hendrix) and the pop king dog (looked like Howard Stern). These dogs all looked pretty content. Guess it’s easier when no one’s trying to get you to wear tulle.

Of course I had to look at clearance. That section was almost entirely NFL-related. The dog could get sweaters, cheerleader uniforms, jerseys, and/or t-shirts. I noticed there wasn’t anything for my team, the Detroit Lions. I would like to think that it’s because there is no market, not because I am going to be seeing lots of dogs in ill-fitting clothes all over the state.

Since things are already on mark-down and clearance, it won’t be long before they start to run out of the favorites. Be sure to pick up something soon, even if it’s just for the picture on your Halloween cards (if you procrastinate like I do, you can use it for Christmas). If you wait too long you will have to use the hair dye gels and go as Nicki Minaj or Lady Gaga or go retro as a ghost in a pillow case

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For Hire: Two (Semi) Trained Cats

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The holidays are coming and I need some extra money. After much thought, I have decided that the best way to do that is to return to my former occupation as a manager. I can hire out my family and make sure they do the work correctly. Please understand it would be a temporary situation and that payment is expected before services are rendered. Rates are based on work expected. If you commit, you will sign an agreement stating the steps to be taken if you are not happy with the results. Please do not plan on using this same money for your own gift purchases. Tips to the worker are always appropriate.

In light of current economic conditions, I have also listed a number of things I would be willing to barter for these services. That way I can use the money I would have spent on them for gifts. So here are the workers:

Husband – electrical work, mechanical work, industrial cleaning, varmint removal. Note: you will want to schedule your jobs around certain college football games (list provided at time of inquiry)

Daughter – manicures, pedicures, typing, mainstream social media. Note: you will want to schedule your jobs around school, choir, and sleeping requirements. Also some football games. Available times will be provided if you are interested.

Son – academic writing,  satire, cutting edge social media. Note: he is nocturnal as well as attending school. Available times will be provided if you are interested.

Cat A (Super Snoops) – varmint control, light typing, prime cuddling. Note: cuddling generally occurs when you are typing. Note: semi-trained indicates she will use a litter box, not that she will obey any human command.

Cat B (Kommando Kitty) – varmint stalking (she plays, you kill), warming, cuddling. Note: cuddling generally occurs when you are sleeping or trying to do crossword puzzles. Note: semi-trained indicates she will use a litter box, not that she will obey any human command.

In addition we have a variety of wilder animals. Moles and groundhogs for underground tunneling needs. Rabbits and deer for garden control. Bats and snakes for child control. We also have possums, skunks, raccoons, and coyotes for various types of jobs. Note: these animals become your responsibility.

Items Taken for Barter – ruminant to replace our broken lawn mower, hoarder to help clean out my mother’s house, chocolate.

If you think it’s only fair that I offer services as well – baking, cooking (except red meat – my husband says I ruin it), cliched uplifting sayings. Note: Times will be negotiated. Reserve now for holiday baking. How you keep the cookies fresh will be your responsibility. (Some family members feel I should add sarcasm to my list of talents.)

If you would like to talk about any of these rare services, you may respond to this place. Please remember that the situations are temporary; I want my family back. Unless you offer a really, really good deal.

 

 

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There Are How Many Types of Toothpaste??

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Generally speaking, my husband does the grocery shopping and I do birthday/holiday/special event shopping.  It works out well since I’m an impulse shopper when I grocery shop and much more disciplined in other types of stores. I know it’s weird. However, for a variety of reasons, I have been forced to do some grocery shopping for my mother in the recent past. I am ready to retreat back to the cheese.

My mother told me that she needed some toothpaste. I asked what kind. She said she didn’t care. How hard could it be – I bought ours once in a while. Focused shopping for picking up “our” toothpaste did not prepare me for the full shelf of options I confronted. I do watch some TV so I knew that there was whitening toothpaste and freshening toothpaste, however, I did not understand the mathematical implications of it. Once you understand that toothpastes aim to be anti-cavity, anti-gingivitis, anti-plaque, anti-tartar, for sensitive teeth (those going through a painful break-up with your gums maybe?), breath freshening, and whitening and/or some combination of these, you start to get the idea. Additionally, there are special types with baking soda, peroxide, and mouthwash in them. There are also various strengths of whitening (we probably wouldn’t need that if Starbucks didn’t exist). Of course there are also multiple brands with multiple goals, and multiple brands which specialize in specific goals. After reading labels and comparing benefits (prices are surprisingly similar across all options), I finally came to a decision. I bought “our” toothpaste for my mother. Impulse shopping is dead in the toothpaste department.

Next she wanted “TV dinners”. The rest of the world is now calling this food frozen dinners, and there are two rows of freezers holding them. We don’t eat frozen food except vegetables and ice cream, so there was no “our” type. I’m not sure if Swanson exists anymore, but it certainly has generated an amazing array of spawn. There are “regular”, low-carb, low-fat, gluten-free sections. You can get meals, entrees alone, or rice bowls. You can get spicy or various types of seasoned entrees. You can get “individual”, regular, or “hardy” portions. There are at least ten different brands (although I suspect most of them are owned by two or three large conglomerates like all other food).  You can bake, microwave or steam (which is also done in the microwave). You can get chicken, turkey, beef, pasta, shrimp, or fish. I go back and forth, back and forth. Ten minutes later, I have made a few selections.

On to dairy. I know what type of milk she drinks (between no-fat, 1/2%, 1%, 2%, and regular, lactose-free, soy, almond, and whatever else I avoided looking at). Yogurt was another issue. I really haven’t bought any since I was pregnant and was totally unprepared. Greek or barbarian? (I have no idea what non-Greek yogurt is called.) No fat, low fat, full fat? Chunks of fruit or blended? Then I looked further down the line – apple pie, chocolate eclair, Boston creme pie, espresso. Wherever it started, yogurt has made its complete transformation to being an American food – you can buy it in a form that is in no way related to the way it was originally made or tasted. I took a deep breath, bought 0% fat Greek yogurt in berry flavors, and hoped for the best. I also bought coconut for myself (they didn’t have that flavor when I was pregnant) – it was yummy.

OK – 1/2 hour in and I’ve only checked off four things. This is not optimal, as Bucky Katt (Darby Conley’s extremely perceptive cartoon feline) would say. Oh good, I see the next few things are in produce. I just need to decide between organic and “regular”. I had not realized how negative the word ‘regular’ had become in food until this trip. Things are going well until I get to the lettuce. I refuse to buy iceberg lettuce. Mixed with other greens, I really like the crunchiness, but it doesn’t have any flavor to me. So I decide to go to the lettuce section (I didn’t realize there was a lettuce section before this trip). There was romaine, red leaf, green leaf, locally grown (on some corporate farm, no doubt) red and green, and living (it came in a plastic clamshell and you could extend its life by watering the base). I’m sure there were some others, but my brain stopped processing. I picked something that looked fresh and escaped.

I now understand why they are called ‘super’ markets. I also understand why my husband finds a food we like and sticks with it. I spent an hour shopping for ten items. I hope my mother likes them.

2

Nothing Says Last Day of Summer Like Trim-a-Tree

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According to my calculations (which should be double-checked), there are 95 days until Christmas. It’s almost time to start nagging my family for suggestions, so I get them by December15th if I’m lucky. Otherwise, it’s fall to me. Our burning bushes have just begun to burn, the weather’s getting cooler, and we have less roadkill because the genetic pool of the animal world has finally been downsized to those who understand why their parents told them not to play in the road.

Not so in the retail world. A point of pride at Ralph’s is that we are always the first with new merchandise for the season. I’m not sure how it’s tallied, so I’m guessing that’s like being the most famous. Statistics can be used to prove anything, but should be limited to those who know how to use them safely. For example, last year summer got an early start. So we opened our garden center two weeks early. (I know this because it was part of a presentation later in the year.) It’s that kind of thinking makes Ralph rich. Of course, this year summer decided to visit us on it’s vacation from other spots, so we had an end-of-season sale like you wouldn’t believe.

Halloween candy has been out for weeks. Of course, everyone knows that’s just a cover for us to buy it for ourselves now and buy the “real” Halloween candy on October 30. It’s the beginning of “The Holidays” when we’re allowed to eat what we want because it’s only once a year. The Holidays used to be between Christmas and New Year’s, then we pushed the start back to Thanksgiving. Now we’re moving in on Halloween. Maybe we could do like the bears – eat everything in sight for a couple of months then sleep it off til spring. It would beat slogging around in the ice and snow. I bet I’m not the only one who wished they could lose a couple of pounds overnight.

But everything pales in comparison with Christmas. I know some of you still associate Christmas with the Nativity, but you probably still give thanks on Thanksgiving too. It was over 80 degrees and humid yesterday, but as I walked through the back end of the store on my way out, there it was… the first Trim-a-Tree box (artificial tree with its own decorations). I had been expecting something since the big toy sale a couple of weeks ago. By Monday, there will be more. Pretty soon it will be an invasion waiting for Halloween.

The small stuff will start sneaking in soon. Things like cards and ribbon. Sparklely sweaters and Santa boxers. On November 1, the big stuff will make its appearance. We’ll have trees, door decorations, fake greenery, blow-up Santas, tinsel, and all that other stuff the Whos put up in Whoville. Part-time Christmas music between Halloween and Thanksgiving then All Christmas All the Time. People will complain it’s too early, but they’ll start looking and slowly start buying. Those people who have everything up by the middle of November must have bought it somewhere.

The big sales were traditionally the day after Thanksgiving. It’s still a big day, but unless you want to stand in line and fight for the 5 HDTVs that will be available at 4a, you might as well sleep in. December has become one huge rotating sale. Best of all, the stuff that we convinced you was must-have at the beginning of November is on sale in the middle of December. By a couple of days before Christmas, almost everything has been marked down. (No, this does not give you permission to wait until December 23 to remember you have to give your wife a present without a cord.)

My advice? Eat as much Halloween candy as possible. With a little luck, you’ll hibernate until the whole thing is over.

 

2

Just a Cold

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Why do we say, “I just have a cold,” when someone asks why they can’t understand a word coming out of our mouths? Are we trying to separate it from the Dengue Fever going around the neighborhood? Are we ashamed that we don’t have something more impressive?

I have never met someone with a cold who was not totally miserable. (Some of them were that way before the virus, so they don’t really count.) But we have made it some type of badge of honor to go on as if nothing were wrong. As in, “I came to work today; it’s only a cold.” Well you look like something the dog dragged in from the dumpster, thanks for wanting to share it with me. They sit next to you, coughing and blowing their noses, not noticing that you’re about to gag. Honestly, nothing you do here is so important that you can’t miss a day or two.

Then you have places like my store. Without sick time (and with low wages), the average employee really can’t afford to stay home. It works out well for the company – turnover is so high that there really isn’t anyone else to do the job. Besides, the odds are that you are making the customers sick, not the other employees. So it’s kind of a win-win for the company. The odds of the customer figuring out it was an employee making them sick, rather than the toddler coughing all over everything, are pretty low. Usually people write it off to “something going around”.  I always picture little viruses dressed like spies in the cartoons.

So you can probably tell that I have been sick, and am pretty grouchy about the whole thing. It started with a sore throat. You need to understand that I live in Michigan. There is ‘something in the air’ here, and that something makes it impossible to breathe clearly for approximately half the year (the other half is extremely cold so you more worried about your nose falling off than working correctly). I’m not sure what sinuses are supposed to do, but it must have something to do with carrying around extra gunk your body doesn’t need. I know people who have gotten off the plane saying they felt fine when they left home, but are now sick. Generally, they have a miraculous recovery once they get home.

I remember reading somewhere that the government sent out scouts after the Civil War to find places for the expanding population to inhabit. The report came back from Michigan that it was dismal and swampy; basically unfit for human habitation. I’m guessing they came in early spring when the weather changes constantly and everyone looks and feels groggy. I would have liked to remind them that Washington, DC is built on a swamp. And they are the same people who had granted us statehood thirty-some years earlier.

I’m telling you all of this not to slam Michigan. It’s beautiful, I love it, and I wouldn’t live anywhere else. But to explain why I could have a sore throat for a week and not really think anything of it. So I go to church and see a friend. He laughs and says something about my sinuses. I tell him that for once it’s not in my head, it’s in my throat (is that technically part of the head?). It’s been getting worse, and I think it may be infected. I make it through the service. (I bet God knows I didn’t actually understand anything that was going on). My friend tells me to go home and see a doctor if it really is an infection. I am happy to report that my friends are generally people with some common sense, not the sort who hear sore throat and immediately think diphtheria.

Of course, I don’t see a doctor. I always feel like I should be sicker before I go. By Tuesday, I feel a lot better. I knew it! I wasn’t sick enough to see a doctor! Unfortunately, on Wednesday I didn’t feel quite so well. By Friday, I could barely talk and felt like someone was shoving an ice pick in my ear. I broke down and called the doctor. Turns out whatever was in my throat had decided to move into my ears. They were both infected. I had no idea adults even got ear infections (kinda stupid when I realized that I still get skinned knees and other things that adults should be ‘beyond’).

One of the things that causes problems with ear infections is drastic change in temperature (something about a change in pressure – I think I should have paid more attention in Physics). Working in and out of a cheese cooler is not optimal. So I took a day off. But it wasn’t because I had a cold.

3

I Wonder

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Who decided that the goalposts in football would be designated north and south?

Why is fresh good when you talk about fruits and vegetables but not when you talk about people?

On the freeway, why am I always behind the guy going 65 mph and in front of the guy who wants to go 75 mph? (and thinks that riding my bumper will somehow make the other guy go faster)

Who created the zipper? How did they get the idea?

Do stores really think that the number of people who buy tinsel between Halloween (or earlier) and Thanksgiving outweigh the number of people who are annoyed and avoid that whole side of the store? Besides, things are more expensive the first month than any other time of the season (nothing on sale yet).

I understand why some stores use background music as part of their brand, but what kind of brand is Wal-Mart trying to convey?

Is traffic congestion decreased enough to justify the rear-end collisions tension, and irritation at traffic round-abouts?

Why did I see Santa outfits for infants today next to adult Halloween sweaters? There’s a much better chance that I will still be the same size by Christmas than a baby.

When radio stations identify a song after a set, why is it never the song I didn’t know/can’t remember?

Do they eat Jordan almonds in Jordan?

Why do people who cut in line try to explain it by saying that they are in a hurry? Do they think the rest of us are there because we like to spend 20 minutes standing between people on their phones, arguing, or talking dirt about someone else?

Are road construction jobs paced to ensure full employment for the entire season? No matter when jobs are supposed to be done around here, it’s always at least a month longer. Maybe we don’t offer incentives for early completion in our county?

Why is there always an SUV parked in the compact car spot at my doctor’s office?

Why is the only time I am not tripping over a commissioned salesperson when I actually have a question or want to purchase?

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They Missed Me!

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Today was my first day back after vacation. So I was excited, eager, and chomping at the bit. (Please don’t believe that.) But I was there 2 minutes before I had to clock in. As I wandered through the back room, I pondered the irony of Labor Day. Originally created to celebrate the value of the working (wo)man, it has become another one of the “three-day weekend” “holiday sale” days.  The power of our union was demonstrated in the “need” for us to work to supply the “needs” of the rest of the workforce on their day off. Walter Reuther would not be proud.

On the bright side, we are paid double time to work holidays. Probably because we have to work twice as hard to see half the results.

First thing off, I walk into the cooler and there are sheets taped to each of the many carts. Seems that while I was gone, the team leader had been in there and decided that we have too many carts. Not being able to move once you open the door was probably a clue. Now I have to sign and date the sheet after I have worked the cart so we will know which carts have been worked. Somehow this will lessen the number of carts in the cooler. Particularly since I am the only one working in there during the week. So I am leaving notes to myself telling me what I have been doing. Guess that’s why I’m not fast-tracking to management (a scary thought).

I go out to the floor and notice that we will soon have fewer carts in the cooler; there is very little merchandise on the shelves. Back in the cooler, I notice that all of the stuff still seems to be in the carts in the middle of the cooler rather than the carts on the sides (its new home). It seems that someone may have spent a little too much time organizing and not enough stocking? Just asking.

One interesting thing about Labor Day there – people seem to think of a trip to the store as a family outing. School starts tomorrow, so it’s one last opportunity to get everyone in the car and do this week’s grocery shopping and back-to-school shopping and summer close-out shopping. What happened to barbecues and a last trip to the lake? My kids give me a list of what they need, and I bring it home. All of us are much happier. (At least I think we are – we’ve never tried the shopping-as-bonding-time idea.)

So I drag a cart out and start stocking. By 7a there are several people shopping. It steadily increases as I keep working. These people are the ones who want to “beat the crowd”. Of course, other people have the same idea, so they all become the crowd. (If they really wanted to beat the crowd, they probably would have shopped at the end of last week – or tomorrow). Generally speaking, these are people doing their regular shopping, not just picking up a couple of forgotten items for the picnic. I can’t think of a better way to spend my last paid day off of the summer – set the alarm, get up early, and go grocery shopping.

My team leader comes by and tells me that the VP is coming tomorrow so I should make sure all the holes are filled. If she had actually looked at the displays, she would have realized that she was delusional. There were more holes than stock. But maybe you need to be in that position.

Because there was so much stuff in the cooler rather than the floor, I spent a large amount of time walking back and forth getting things that were waiting to be put out. By the same law that makes the only person in the aisle stand in the place you are working, the only thing a person wants is something that is neither on the cart you have on the floor or in its space. But at least it’s out of the cooler!

The faster I worked, the busier it got. At times, I couldn’t even get to a place to stock. I never got caught up. In fact, by the time I left it looked worse than when I got there. But I had gotten rid of some of the carts! Too bad there will be replacements tomorrow.

If they could get this organized while I’m gone for a week, it should only take a couple of weeks to get it back to its old, dysfunctional state. The one where I could find anything I needed when I needed it.

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It All Started with Milk and Rennet

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When I started writing this blog, my son recommended that I shoot for a Scott Adams-level of snark (which may explain the noticeable male skew of the readership). However, today I want to try to emulate Richard Armour, my first (and possibly still) favorite humorist. He did his writing in the 1960’s and 1970’s, pre-irony and pre-snark, but it is still very clever. If there are any fans reading this, you may notice the title bears some resemblance to the titles of many of his books (It All Started with Stones and Clubs, It All Started with Hippocrates, It All Started with Eve, etc.)

Way back in time, actually before time if you use recorded history, some guy in a hot climate (we’ll call him Joe) was looking for a way to transport his milk (actually it probably came from a goat or a sheep).  Looking around, Joe realized that the thing he carried his water in would probably work for milk too. That thing was the stomach of an early cow relative. Fortunately, he had several loose ruminant organs lying around, being the Tupperware of their day. So he picked up a cow stomach, poured in the milk and went on his way to visit his hunting buddy, Eddie.

Having been quite a hike to Eddie’s over rough ground, the milk had spent a while sloshing around in the stomach. When Joe got to Eddie’s, he offered to share the milk. Imagine his surprise when he tried to pour it out and some mushy, whitish curds came out of the stomach instead. Joe looked at the mess and told Eddie to try it. Eddie, being a suspicious sort, told Joe to try it himself. Joe took a little and put it into his mouth. It tasted good! Joe had just discovered cheese.

Cheese was really the only way to keep milk in a hot climate. So why did the cow’s stomach allow the early civilizations to enjoy cheese instead of food poisoning? The magic ingredient of rennet. Rennet is a bunch of enzymes produced in any mammalian stomach (yes, we could use your stomach to make cheese, but you would probably rather keep it where it is). The enzymes cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. The curds are the cheese, the whey is what made Joe’s first cheese so mushy.

Concurrently, an ancient housewife was trying to figure out what to do with the milk that had gone bad in the sun and curdled. The saber-tooth tiger kitten walked away from it. She tried feeding it to her teen-age son, thinking that he would eat anything, but he refused. Finally she decided to add salt. Well, it covered the taste of the curdling. But it was just nasty to drink. So she pressed it between two rocks and, voila!, she discovered cheese. (I do not know why this would make it more palatable except it may have added the taste of the rock.)

The early cheese was a success nutrition-wise (or in contemporary thinking, it beat starving). But it was REALLY salty to last in the hot sun, and it was sour due to the curdling. Fortunately for us, cheese-making was also done in Europe, where it was much cooler. So they used less salt. Less salt meant more microbes and molds (yummy). If you don’t worry about moldy cheese, you can let it age (it gets better and better, doesn’t it?) As time progressed, the mold was cut off some cheeses (e.g., cheddar) and incorporated into others (e.g., bleu). There’s a British-French joke there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

Cheese making was pretty much a universal art (except in the orient – apparently they did not see the sense in eating salty, curdled, moldy milk). Without good transportation, most cheese-making remained local until recently (apparently cow stomachs have their limits when it comes to transporting cheese). Britain claims to have over 700 distinct varieties, France and Italy each claim over 400.

Fast-forward a few thousand years. Switzerland opened the first cheese factory in 1815 (making Swiss cheese?) But the Americans managed to turn it into an assembly-line process in 1851. A sweat-shop for cheese just sounds disgusting.

Moving forward, the scientists figured out how to mass-produce rennet in the 1860s and cows everywhere breathed a sigh of relief. By the turn of the century, those hard-working scientists had created pure microbial cultures which led to more standardized cheese – good for the manufacturer’s bottom line, not so good for the discerning diner.

And guess what standardized cheese led to? Processed cheese!! (aka process cheese, cheese slice, prepared cheese, cheese singles, and cheese food). Processed cheese is a food product made from “normal” cheese, emulsifiers (for smoothness in melting), extra salt (it’s back), food colorings, and flavors. They might also throw in some other unfermented dairy ingredients (I guess the dairy equivalent of animal by-product) or whey. I checked today, and cheese culture was the ninth ingredient in one brand of cheese slices.

Today more processed cheese is sold than “real” cheese. It’s lasts longer, doesn’t separate when melted, and is more uniform in look and taste. Joe and the housewife had no idea what they started.

*Information in this post is loosely based on an article in Wikipedia. So please don’t take any of it as fact.

2

You Call THAT Food?

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I know that I am getting old when I am surprised by some of what is available at the store:

Chicken and Waffle-flavored potato chips – people are really upset because they really taste like syrup. When did chicken and waffles become condiments rather than main dishes?

Spray cooking oil that contains flour – are there really that many people out there baking who don’t have enough spare flour on hand to coat the pan?

Pancake batter in a spray can – I guess it goes along with the pre-cooked bacon for those mornings you want a home-cooked breakfast but only have 15 minutes to get out the door.

Instant potatoes in a carton – all you do is add water, shake the carton, and pour the potatoes into the pan. Is that really an improvement over putting the flakes and water into a pan and cooking them? Does your dishwasher care that it has one fewer spoon in it?

Pre-made cheesecake filling – it says just pour it in a crust and you’re done. I’ve never tasted it, but I’m told it tastes fake. What a surprise for something that has virtually no natural ingredients in it.

Pre-cubed and cracker-cut cheese – unless you’re having a major party, it is going to be fresher (and cheaper) if you cut it yourself – but it won’t be as “cute” (just the word I look for in food)

Velveeta has become an industry – At one point in time, it’s claim to fame was that it melted smoother than cheddar. Apparently it didn’t melt fast enough, because they introduced Velveeta shreds. Then pre-melted Velveeta in foil that you just squeeze onto the food. All this for a product that is trying to convince us that it’s “real” cheese.

Imitation process cheese – process cheese is the step-child of cheese which lasts longer and melts more easily – imitation takes it one more step and removes the cheese entirely – really

No-fat, lactose free milk – it begs the question – once you’ve taken out the fat and the lactose is it still milk? Would any self-respecting cow still feed it to her child? There are all sorts of alternatives that are low-fat and lactose-free: soy, almond, coconut. Why not go for something with flavor and that you can’t see though if you hold it up to the light?

Phyllo dough has become filo dough – apparently we’re too dumbed-down to recognize it unless it’s spelled phonetically. Some people stick with “puff pastry”.

Neopolitan oreos – I thought it was wrong when they made mint oreos, but this is too far – there is no need for three types of filling in a cookie that most people could eat in two bites (and according to the commercials, only part of us take off the top to look at the creme anyway). Put it back where it belongs – in ice cream.

Girl-scout cookie flavored coffee creamer (with no cream) – I guess that coffee has gone from being something people wanted to drink because they like the taste to something that needs to be covered in sweetness so we can gag it down for the energy.

Pre-made iced tea – no not the stuff Lipton has been putting out since they figured out preservatives. Now you can get gallons of the stuff. I suppose it’s more important to save five minutes (and avoid digging out the pitcher) than to make than to flavor it to the tastes of the guests.

All of this ranting comes to you courtesy of the two people in one week who asked me to point out the “real” cheddar cheese. I thought they meant non-processed cheese product. No, they didn’t want sharp cheddar, they wanted real cheddar, the mild kind. It’s a good thing they weren’t around a while back, before “real” cheddar was invented.

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Random Thoughts

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I drive country roads to work – why do I only run into slow drivers on the straight parts and never on the parts that resemble a NASCAR track?

Why do they name it head cheese when that’s the only disgusting part of the animal that is not in it?

Why do I only see predators (animal, not human) when they have some poor animal in their mouth/talons?

Should I be insulted that when I was pulled over for driving erratically, the cop assumed it was for a medical emergency not for being under the influence?

Why am I the only one on the sales floor when someone breaks a bottle of (really cheap) strawberry wine or a gallon of milk or a jar of horseradish? They really are the only things in the store that make me really gag. (Aside from human emissions of various sorts.)

Why do I attract all of the really strange people? Do I really look like I know what to substitute for spicy paprika (or know what spicy paprika is)? How about all the stores that carry the products that we don’t? The guy who feels he needs to tell me his life story before asking for money?

If my mother knows that I am liberal in almost everything, why does she insist on telling me everything she has “learned” on Fox News?

Does my car have a sign that says pull out in front me, there’s only a quarter mile of empty space behind me?  Or maybe, it’s icy so test my reflexes by cutting in front of me and slamming on your brakes?

Why do people insist on telling the same awful jokes over and over? (“Where’s the cheese? Where’s the cheese? Oh here it is.” as he enters the aisle.)

Why do I only have the nerve to complain online or at home when those are never the people who need to hear it?