Category Archives: cats

18

Cat Forum: Halloween Safety

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Image result for halloween cats

 

Snoops: Greetings, fellow felines. Welcome to Cat Forum where we catch the news that the others drop.

Kommando: Do you like that? The marketing folks thought we needed a slogan and that’s what they came up with. It makes me think of a dog sitting under the dinner table.

Snoops: Regardless …

Kommando: Seriously, Snoops. Do you want a slogan that makes the audience think of drooly dogs?

Snoops: We can deal with that later. We have a very special guest today. She is Captain Ginger McPhurrson from the Cat Safety Patrol. She is going to be giving us some tips about Halloween Safety. Welcome Captain and thank you for being here.

Captain McPhurrson: Thank you for having me. I would like to commend you for planning ahead. So many cats think that all you need to do for Halloween is get some kibble treats and send the kittens out around the neighborhood.

Kommando: See? The other people didn’t even get a chance to drop this. It’s a dumb slogan.

Captain McPhurrson (laughing): You may have a point there, Kommando. There are three things I would like to talk about: trick or treating, catnip, and humans.

First is trick or treating. If you are planning to allow your kittens to go out this Halloween, you need to go with them. The days are gone when the fathers could take out the kids and hang out drinking spiked cream while the kittens went door to door.

Image result for mother cat with kittens

Last year, we caught a band of cats who were ransoming kittens for tuna and other goodies. A whole neighborhood bought tuna steaks to get their kittens back.

Snoops: That’s terrible. Those poor kittens!

Kommando: Those cats should be sent to a dog shelter!

Captain McPhurrson: We agree. The important thing is that no kitten should be out by themselves on Halloween. This also applies to the 1-year-olds who think they are all grown up. No parent means no trick or treating.

Snoops: That is definitely good advice. What else do you have for us?

Captain McPhurrson: I want to emphasize that Halloween is meant to be fun, but catnip needs to be used responsibly. Every year the hospitals are full of hallucinating cats.

Image result for cats on catnip

Snoops: Can you tell us how much is safe to use?

Captain McPhurrson: Well, that’s part of the problem. Some cats don’t seem to be affected by it at all, while others seem to be “nipped” after a few leaves. We recommend that every party have at least one or two non-nippers. That way they can watch for friends who seem to be overly frenzied.

And under no circumstances whatsoever should catnip be given to a kitten under one year old.

Snoops: You said you also wanted to talk about humans.

Captain McPhurrson: Our best advice is to avoid them as much as possible during the Halloween season. Those of you who live in cat communities should stay in your neighborhoods. Humans are all wrapped up in their own kittens and don’t watch where they’re going. Besides, human kittens are scary on Halloween. They usually dress up so they don’t look like humans.

Kommando: The really funny ones are the ones that try to look like cats.

Captain McPhurrson: They are scary looking.

You cats who keep human servants have a different issue. Some of those humans will try to get you to dress up in little costumes or use you as a prop for their party. You shouldn’t sacrifice your dignity for the humans, no matter what treats they offer. Before you know it, you will be on Instagram or Facebook and all your friends will know.

Image result for halloween cat

   Image result for halloween cat

Snoops: That is a lot of really good advice, Captain. Thank you again for being on our show.

Captain McPhurrson: I enjoyed being here. I hope you both have a happy, safe Halloween.

 

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(All other pictures courtesy of Google Images)

11

Cat Forum: Breaking Election News

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Washington, DC, September 16, 2016

Commentator: We just received word this afternoon that not only is the Cat Party not going to put forward a candidate for the coming election, they are disbanding the party. On the eve of the Republican Convention, this is truly shocking news. I have them on the phone to find out what happened.

Commentator: Hello guys. We heard the big news. So what happened?

Jaime : Hello, and thank you for having us. We all discussed it and decided that Washington is no place for a cat.

Creamsicle: : You might remember that we were going to Washington to learn about the budget. It was a total disaster.

Commentator: What do you mean?

Creamsicle: Well, the first ones I wanted to meet were the Fat Cats. I thought that maybe I could show them some tricks about maintaining a healthy lifestyle even when they were super-busy. Do you know what I discovered?

Biff: We were all shocked.

Creamsicle: Fat Cats refers to humans. In fact, everyone we saw in the government was human.

Charles: Some of them wanted to put us in cages!

Commentator: That’s horrible.

Charles: Not only that. Some of them are incredibly stupid.

Commentator: How so?

Charles: We looked at the budget. Some of those numbers had way too many zeros. Our government could never afford things with that many zeros.

Jaime: And nobody noticed that the numbers were wrong.

Biff: That’s because nobody went to that meeting where they talked about the budget.

Creamsicle: It was pretty boring. I almost fell asleep.

Biff: But don’t you remember at the beginning when they called off the names of the people who were supposed to be there?

Charles: I counted. Only 16 out of the 42 people were actually there.

Jaime: But that wasn’t the really scary part.

Moderator: It got worse?

Jaime: Definitely. Later that day, they voted on spending the money they were talking about in that meeting.

Biff: There were 25 people at that meeting. I heard some of them whispering to their aides in the hall before the meeting. They were asking what they were voting on and how it impacted important people they know.

Creamsicle: They hadn’t read any of the bill!

Commentator: So you all decided that you didn’t want to be in Washington?

Charles: What self-respecting cat would?

Creamsicle: Those people never stop talking!

Biff: And a lot of the people smoke in that city. Can you imagine what our fur would smell like?

Charles: Besides, we would only be a token cat. They don’t even have litter boxes in those buildings.

Jaime: And they said that only one of us could represent cats. The rest would have to go home. We’d have to work with a human staff!

Commentator: That’s appalling!

Creamsicle: That’s what we thought. What’s to stop them from giving us someone who smells like dog?

Commentator: So what’s next?

Biff: We’ve had an offer for a book deal writing about our experiences.

Charles: We’ve also been offered a talk show. Kind of a political round-table.

Creamsicle: But right now we’re just looking for a place with enough sun for us all to relax. It’s been a tough few months.

Commentator: Thank you for spending your time with us.

Cats: Purr, Purr

(All pictures courtesy of Google Images)

6

Sheriff Callie and the Vacuum Cleaner

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(Google Images)

(For those of you without children of the appropriate age, Sheriff Callie is the star of Disney’s Sheriff Callie’s Wild West for preschoolers. She is a female calico cat who is the sheriff of Nice and Friendly Corners.)

Moderator: We welcome back Super Snoops and Kommando Kitty. It’s been a while. How have you been?

Snoops: Thanks for having us. We’ve been having a great summer. I’ve got a new bed. Mom says it was a Christmas present, but I’m sure she’s wrong. I never would have ignored such an awesome bed in the middle of the front room for six months.

Kommando: I think that bed was supposed to be for both of us, but she’s been hogging it. We’ll be sharing it in the cold weather.

Snoops: Maybe. You’re pretty warm with all that fur.

Kommando: It’s been a good summer for me too. For some reason, I’ve been shedding a lot this year. My fur is everywhere regardless of how often they brush me. I don’t understand it, but the humans don’t think it’s as cool as I do to have my fur in their food.

Commentator: So, what do you have for us today?

Snoops: We have our friend, Sheriff Callie, on the phone. She wants to discuss a certain toy that she found when she was shopping for a gift. She was totally appalled and wanted to warn your listeners to be aware that it is out there.

Commentator: Sheriff, thank you for taking the time to be with us today.

Callie: I appreciate you having me. And please, call me Callie.

Moderator: Callie, I was told that you had a rather unsettling experience in a store recently and wanted to share what had happened.

Callie: Yes, that’s right. I recently made a trip to a human toy store to find something for someone at Nice and Friendly Corners. I wanted something educational. I must tell you, humans have a strange idea of learning toys.

Kommando: Callie, we couldn’t agree more. I bet you couldn’t find a training mouse anywhere.

Callie: It’s worse than that. They have something called Play Doh. They are supposed to use this vile-smelling substance to make things. In one of the boxes they had things so the small human could pretend to be a dentist. It looked like some alien creature was working on the teeth of a hamburger.

Audience: Eww

Moderator: Does the box say why they would want to put a paw inside a hamburger’s mouth? I can’t imagine what it would teach them.

Callie: I can’t either. There were other boxes that showed them using the stuff to make cupcakes and ice cream. I can’t believe humans let their children eat that stuff.

Moderator: Well, humans do have some odd tastes. Have you ever seen those little green trees they eat? They say it has lots of good things in them. I don’t know about that, but they taste terrible. I don’t know a single cat who likes them.

Snoops: Our humans eat them, but we won’t even get near them. I think they’re called broccolis.

Callie: I think you’re right. But I need to tell you about what I saw next. They have little pink vacuum cleaners from a company called Wish I Was Home.

(Audience gasps.)

Commentator: You mean they train little girls how to use those things?

Callie: Yes! And it looks like they start pretty young. It was small.

Commentator: Why do you think they would do that?

Callie: I have no idea. But I can imagine cats everywhere being traumatized by little girls running after them with those things.

Snoops: I know a lot of cats who won’t go near small humans. I bet that’s why.

Commentator: I’m sure you’re right. What can we do about it Callie?

Callie: I wanted to make sure everyone knew about it so they can protect their kittens. It’s not just the adult humans who need to be watched.

Commentator: Thank you for your warning. I’m sure our audience appreciates your coming on our show with this important information.

(Audience applauds vigorously.)

Commentator: Thank you once again to joining us.

Callie: It was my pleasure. Thank you for having me. (Ends the call)

The cats all look at each other, horrified.

Kommando: Well, at least we know.

 

caption,Cats (Cheezburger)

 

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