I Love My Calendar Cat Contest

May 25, 2024 | cat9984

Greetings fellow felines. I, Sgt Stripes, have some very exciting news! I have been chosen as Mr. October for the PawPrint 2024-2025 Calendar. It features the picture at the top of this page. They are based in Dallas, Texas. A portion of everything they sell goes to animals: donations to animal shelters, animal food banks, assisting families with medical expenses, supporting spay/neuter clinics, and adoption/foster expenses.

With apologies to Neil Sedaka, my family has adapted his Calendar Girl into a song about me:

I love, I love, I love my calendar cat:

Yeah, sweet gray tabby cat

I love, I love, I love my calendar cat

Each and every day of the year

(January) up to my paws in snow

(February) adoring stares where I go

(March) Cat TV returns and I smile

(April) the Easter Bunny comes and brings me treats

Yeah, yeah, I have tabby fur!

I love, I love, I love my awesome calendar pic!

Every day (October) every day (October)

Of the year

(‘Specially October)

(May) Cat TV is on at night, all right!

(June) the glow of the moon lights the plants in bloom

(July) loud sky booms make me hide from the glows

(August) it’s hot and muggy but I don’t mind heat

Yeah, yeah, I have tabby fur!

I love, I love, I love my awesome calendar pic!

Every day (October) every day (October)

Of the year

(‘Specially October)

Yeah, yeah, I have tabby fur!

I love, I love, I love my awesome calendar pic!

Every day (October) every day (October)

Of the year

(‘Specially October)

(September)Autumn comes and leafs leap from all the trees

(October) I’m October’s Calendar Cat Supreme!

(November) We’ll give thanks that the humans have me

(December) I get presents ‘neath the Christmas tree

Yeah, yeah, I have tabby fur!

I love, I love, I love my awesome calendar pic!

Every day (October) every day (October)

Of the year

(‘Specially October)

I love, I love, I love my calendar cat

Yeah, sweet gray tabby cat

I love, I love, I love my calendar cat

Each and every day of the year

To help celebrate, we are going to send a copy of the calendar to two lucky winners. All you have to do is rewrite one verse of the song. I will pick the winners myself from the entries. (They’re going to put the entries on the floor, and the two that I step on first will win.) You can either respond in the comments or email it to cat9984@ymail.com. The deadline is Friday, May 31, 2024, at midnight. Unfortunately, it is only open to humans with USA or Canadian addresses.

Sing Us a Song, You’re the Piano Cat

October 28, 2023 | cat9984

Hi everyone! It’s Sgt Stripes! I was going to make a post on the hassles of being an “administrative assistant supervisor”, but I want a few more weeks of purrfecting my skills before I go into that. So I decided to take a page from my cousin Thunder’s book, and do a musical blog. Except, instead of Christmas songs, I decided to reformat Billy Joel. Blondie listens to him a lot. He’s pretty good. But my lyrics are better, and I’m really excited to share them with you! (I wanted to rewrite every song. Blondie said no, that we’d be here well past nap time. So I selected my 10 favorites.)

“Uptown Girl”– renamed “Uptown Cat”

“Uptown cat! I bet she’s never had to hunt a rat!

I bet she’s never had to slide on by, and steal a fish from some random guy!

I’m gonna try for an uptown cat!

She’ll be furry, and pretty, and black. She’ll be used to high luxury. And down feather beds on which she sleeps.

And then she’ll leap.

And when she’s purring, she’ll say that she’s mine.

And when she’s defurring, she’ll be so divine.

She’ll see I’m not so tough, just because I’m in love with an uptown cat!”

“Vienna”

“Calm down you crazy cat.

You roll so much that your fur has mats.

But then if you’re so groomed, tell me why are you still so scruffy?

Where’s the brush, where’s the nail clippers? You better find them now so you can fix your furs.

You’ve got so much to lose, and you don’t want to have to be shaved.

But you know when the truth is told that you can get what you want or you can sit and yowl.

You’re gonna kick off and scratch the human badly too. When will you realize, Vienna isn’t for you?

“You May be Right”– renamed “I’m Always Right”

“Friday night I broke your vase

and Saturday I smashed your cake

and Sunday came and all I did was nap.

I was only having fun!

I wanted to lounge in the sun.

But the humans kept yelling and I stayed awake!

I’ve been stranded with some grumpy humans,

I feel a sense of settling doom and now I am annoyed and upset.

I will twitch my tail and hiss! T

he humans will give me a kiss!

And it’s all because they don’t want to play!

I’m always right! Just deal with it. Even when you are annoyed with me, you are wrong. Don’t try to fight!

I’m cute, I’ll win this.

I’m always right, you’re always wrong,

and life goes on.”

“My Life”

“Saw a bag with my human, it had a new coat.

It was warm and furry and quite pristine.

He set down the bag and I wanted to take a look.

I decided the coat was bought for me.

I don’t need you to worry about me at night!

I’ve got this lovely coat to snuggle with.

It’s not as great as cuddles with you, but oh well!

This is my life and how I choose to live! I

never wanted you to spoil me with luxuries…

I never demanded the best things in life…

Don’t get me wrong, I deserve them all! Y

ou must give them to me, so I stay happy!”

“Only the Good Die Young”- renamed “Only the Good Lie Down”

“Come out Onyx, don’t let me wait!

This nap is planned to take all day.

Sooner or later you’ll come out and play.

And then we’ll be best friends…

They got you a pillow, got you a bed.

Got you a nice place to lay your head.

But my bed is better than your bed, you and I could have fun…

only the good lie down!

That’s what I said… only the good lie down, only the good lie down.

You might have heard that I jump and I purr really loud.

But I’m a large kitty and of this I am proud.

I might be playing a bit too loud.

But that never hurt no one.

So come Onyx cat, show me a sign.

Send up a signal. I’ll throw you a line.

You can chase and pounce and jump on mine.

The things that we might have done…

Only the good lie down!”

“Why Should I Worry”

“One day I’m outside the house.

Then the next I’m upstairs inside.

I went from eating voles and a mouse, to getting kibble and silvervine.

I said ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, I’m street smart, with a big heart.

I said ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh,

I’m street wise, and that is how I survived!

Why should I worry? Why should I care?

I have a human, he’ll take care of me here. Why should I worry?

Why should I care? I’m a spoiled kitty, and everyone is aware.

The rhythm of the farm house, oh once you get it down, you will be a king cat, you can wear a crown!

Why should I worry? Why should I care?

I have a human, he’ll take care of me here. Why should I worry? Why should I care?

I’m a spoiled kitty, and everyone is aware.”

“The Entertainer”– renamed “Big Time Hunter”

“I am a big time hunter!

And I know just where to pounce.

I’m mastered at getting voles, I’m working on a mouse.

Today you won’t go hungry. Because I got a kill.

But I gotta go out and I gotta shout my hunting cry, and then I’ll sigh when I’m back in the house.

I am a big time hunter. The nip has nothing on me.

I am going to be successful as a hunter kitty. I

’ll go out to the garden. And get some juicy bugs.

And I’ll bring them to mom with a joyful song and I will not care when she fluffs her hair and lets the bugs run on the rug.

“Big Shot”– renamed “Big Cat”

“Well, you arched your back and you hissed at me, and fluffed your tail up too.

You thought you’d act so big that everyone would be afraid of you. A

nd you growled and mewed and hunkered back, trying to act scary.

But just know that everyone thinks that you’re a sweet kitty cat.

You had to be a big cat, didn’t ya, trying to scare off everyone? You had to be a big cat, didn’t ya, oh your tail is so fluffed up!

You had to have the last hiss last night, so much fun to be around.

You had to have the bright hot spotlight, you had to be a big cat didn’t’ ya? Ohhh.”

“Scenes From an Italian Restaurant”

“A bottle of milk. A bottle of cream.

Perhaps a bottle of the finest tuna juice, please.

We’ll get a table near the stream so we can catch fresh fish and sleep curled up, nice and warm…

a bottle of milk, a bottle of cream.

Some fresh catnip would be nice this evening.

We’ll curl up nice and warm on the table near the door, in our Italian restaurant.

“River of Dreams”

“In the middle of the night. I wake from my sleep.

Having the urge to get some freshly cooked meat.

I go stalking and searching. My tummy rumbling loud.

I try to wake my human. But he is snoring loud.

And I stare and I think about how I must get some food…

and then a kibble dish appears in my sight, thank goodness for you! I

n the middle of the night, I wake my from my sleep.

Having the urge to get some freshly churned cream.

I am quite thirsty. After my kibble feast.

But all I can find is water.

This I will have to keep. In the middle of the night!”

I hope you enjoyed reading my interpretations of Mr. Joel’s songs as much as I enjoyed writing them (my typist would like to apologize to Mr. Joel in advance. I don’t know why. She just doesn’t get it)!

Christmas Carols for Cats by Thunder

December 18, 2021 | cat9984

I Can Has Cheezburger?

Hello! It’s Thunder, and I am so glad to be back! Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (after all, I get lots of yummy food and cool gifts), but I noticed a disturbing trend: the Christmas music humans listen to is just not cat friendly! (I would know- Mom insists on listening to it from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas is over.) So, I went through and rewrote the lyrics to some well known songs to make them better (I did 12 songs to represent the 12 days of Christmas. I better get gifts all 12 of those days). Enjoy!

“The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t be Late)”

I was really excited when I saw the title of this song. I thought for sure it would be about the chipmunks we see on cat TV! But it doesn’t even mention chipmunks- how disappointing! So, I’ve updated it to

Christmas, Christmas time is here.

Time to chase the chipmunks and deer.

They seem fun but they won’t play.

All they do is stay outside all day.

Want a friend to chase the dot- and a chipmunk with lots of nuts!

We can hardly stand the wait, so Christmas don’t be late.

All I Want for Christmas is You

I was a little disturbed when I realized that the singer wanted a human for Christmas. But then I realized many shelter cats would love a human! Obviously, this song was written for all displaced and homeless pets. The correct lyrics would go

I don’t want a lot for Christmas,

There are just a few things I need.

A warm lap to cuddle up on, and some food that I can eat.

I just need a light to chase, and a litter box in a clean place.

Make my wish come true,

Because just for Christmas, I choose you!

Jingle Bell Rock

The author of this song got one thing right- bells do rock! Some of my favorite toys have bells in them. But bells have nothing to do with sleighs or horses. What they could have composed would be more along the lines of

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!

Jingle bells play and jingle bells stay – in the way of Mom and Dad- when they trip they get really mad.

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!

Jingle bells are fun when you place them in socks.

Bat them, and swat them, and hunt them down- and listen to the bell sound!

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree

This song is proof that trees are meant to be played with- a fact that we cats already knew (after all, why else would you put shiny, dangly balls all over them?) But humans must play in a boring way. The cat-tastic lyrics would read

Rocking around the Christmas tree,

Chase the ribbons on the box.

Ornaments hung where you can see,

Every kitty starts to swat.

Rocking around the Christmas tree, every kitty stops in shock.

Shinies and danglies all around, let us knock them to the ground.

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

I’m not really sure what a Christmas is supposed to look like, but if the month of December is any indication, it involves a lot of boxes, wrapping paper, and bows. Sounds more like Cat-mas! After all, I’ve never seen my big humans entertained by a box (the human kittens are another story). Thus, more appropriate lyrics would read

It’s beginning to look a lot like Cat-mas!

Toys all over the floor.

Look at the giant box, and the tins of lox,

With shiny ribbons and wrapping papers and bows!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Cat-mas. Lights in every door.

But the prettiest sight to see will be the presents that will be for all cats to adore!

Silent Night

Clearly this person lived alone under a rock. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a silent night (although to be fair, Angel likes to practice her singing around 2am every night). However, if this make believe scenario were to happen, some more appropriate lyrics might read

Silent night! Kitties don’t fight!

All the mice are quiet and nice.

Tinsel hangs on the big Christmas tree.

Kitties pounce on the decor with glee.

Now let my humans awake!

So they can feed me at day break.

Holly Jolly Christmas

There isn’t really anything wrong with this song, except it is so heavily biased towards humans enjoying the holiday, and not cats. A more cat friendly song would read

Have a holly jolly Christmas!

It’s the best time of the year.

Lots of food, a festive mood, and pets go all around.

Have a holly jolly Christmas!

And when you walk down the street,

Stop in the store, go and explore, and buy me a tasty treat!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

I couldn’t decide if she was hunting small prey, or if she was psychotic. For the sake of writing, I’ll go with the former assumption. Because cats have better (and slightly more selective) hearing, my version would read

Said the kitty cat to her feline friend-

Do you hear what I hear?

It sounds like the opening of a can!

Do you hear what I hear?

A can, a can, opens in the night,

It will fill our tummies with delight! It will fill our tummies with delight!

Up on the Housetop

We get a stray cat and squirrels on our roof. We have a metal roof, so they’re really noisy- it’s quite annoying. Several naps have been interrupted because of this. Whoever wrote this seems to think it’s a good thing when someone is on your roof, so maybe it’s better at Christmas time. I will find out. In the hopes that this is true, I wrote these words to replace the traditional song:

Up on the housetop kitties jump.

They sit and lay and lounge in the sun.

Then comes dinner time and they go inside.

And stay all night to nap and hide.

Oh, oh, oh, where did kitty go?

Oh, oh, oh, nobody knows.

There she is, in the window she sits!

Watching Santa Paws and a guy named Nick.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Apparently some big dude is supposed to break into our house and give the human kittens presents. I have yet to decide if this is cool or creepy. I guess as long as he brings food and big boxes, he can’t be too bad. But his song should go more like this:

You better watch out, you better not cry.

There’s a big man bringing meats and mice and pies.

Santa Paws is coming to town,

Santa Paws is jumping down, Santa Paws is coming around!

He’s making dinner lists, chicken and rice. Sausage and gravy and beef and mice.

Santa Paws is coming to town,

Santa Paws is jumping down, Santa Paws is coming around!

We Three Kings

This song is pretty cat-oriented to begin with- lots of people travel to spoil the baby with cool gifts. Sounds like paradise to me. But the gifts sound disgusting- my humans said they were spices and metal. I’ve adapted a better version:

We three cats of Orient are

Very hungry after traveling far.

Tummies growling, low meowing, as we stare at a food jar.

Oh-oh, can of wonder, can of delight!

Can with dinner meant for tonight!

Smells like chicken, chops a licking,

Fills my tummy up for the night.

Joy to the World

There is nothing more joyful than a cat! I realize the song is referring to Jesus, who, don’t get me wrong, seems like a really cool guy. I bet he had a cat. But if we’re talking about bringing joy to the world, the lyrics should definitely be more like:

Joy to the world!

The cat has come!

She brings a mousie gift!

Let every cat receive a nap,

And treats and pets galore! And treats and pets galore!

And treats, and pets and snuggles for her!

Hopefully you’ve enjoyed the updated Cat-mas music! If you like any of the classics (Mom does), I apologize that you’ve been listening to the wrong lyrics your whole life. Have a merry and safe Christmas, and may you recieve lots of boxes and shiny ribbons!

Author’s note- this blog was written in memory of my human dad’s father, Morten Weisfeld (July 15th, 1951-December 1st, 2021). Even though you were a dog owner, may you have eternal sun spots and plenty of naps. We will miss you, and will always love you.

Purrs and furs,

Thunder K. Katt

Cats’ Top 40

July 18, 2020 | cat9984

No It's my turn to listen to music - Lolcats - lol | cat memes ...

Most of you have spent hours listening to your human’s crummy music. We’ve decided to share some of our own favorite tunes.

Japanese SAKE Cat Toys with silvervine. Best Toys For Cats ...

My Silver vine (Beach Boys “409”)

She’s real fine, my silver vine

Silver vine

Did my purring and did my mews

And before too long, I got the news

I’d be getting my very own silver vine

Rev me up, rev me up, rev me up silve rvine

Rev me up, silver vine

Nothing can beat it

Not even catnip

Rev me up

Cute white cat cuddles with human dad to sleep - Imgur

Owner of a Lonely Guy (Yes, Owner of a Lonely Heart)

Love me now

You sit there all alone

Waiting to hear your phone

Feed me now

I’ll always love you, man

More than any girl can

Pet me now

It always makes me purr

I can make you feel better than her.

Nap with me now.

You’ll feel better then.

Like the best of men.

Owner of a lonely man,

Better than the owner of a busy man,

Owner of a lonely man.

Cat Psychology: The Gift - Dog Gone Walking & Cat Care, Kitchener ...

Stray Cat (Elvis Presley, Hound Dog)

You ain’t nothing but a stray cat,

Yowling on the fence.

You ain’t nothing but a stray cat,

Yowling all the time.

You ain’t given me no dead mice, so you ain’t no tom of mine.

Feed Me Do (Beatles, Love Me Do)

Feed, feed me do

Before I faint on you

You know that it’s true,

So, please feed me do.

Now, now, now, feed me do.

Something to eat,

Something to chew,

Something to eat,

Mackerel will do.

Feed Me Do.

Oh, feed me do.

Catnip: Why Is It Driving Your Cat Crazy? | Purina

Nip is the Drug (Roxy Music, Love is the Drug)

(Sorry, I couldn’t get the video to transfer)

I prowl around the marketplace.

Know just what I’m looking for.

Nip is the herb that I need to find

Sniff around, ask around, where to go?

I finally find it and make a score.

Sniff it, eat, roll on the floor,

Nip is the drug that I adore.

Cute Kitty - 20 Cute Animals Waving Hello to You | UnMotivating ...

Videos courtesy of YouTube

Pictures courtesy of Google Images

Calliope, Calliope, Wherefore Art Thou?

August 17, 2014 | cat9984

A few years ago, I realized that I had not seen a calliope in a very long time. In fact, my kids don’t even know what it is. How can it be that hundreds of thousands of Americans don’t know what a calliope is? Next thing I know, someone will say they don’t know what a harpsichord does.

When I was little, my dad worked for a large company that had an annual picnic at a nearby lake. It was a big deal – games, food, beer tent (Dad’s favorite). And a calliope.

I looked up the definition of calliope. It is a musical instrument that produces sound by sending steam or compressed air through large whistles. It also said that calliopes are very loud; some small ones are audible for miles. There is no way to vary tone or loudness. The only variables are the timing and duration of the notes. Don’t see any popularity issues there. Sounds like a lot of the kids who come through the store.

Calliopes must be tuned often to create quality sound (probably an oxymoron). The pitch is affected by the temperature of the steam, so tuning is almost worthless anyway. They decided to just tell people that those off-pitch notes were just a part of the instrument’s charms. It’s a good thing that rationalization has never caught on for singing.

Interesting note: The calliope was patented by Joshua Stoddard on October 9, 1855. (Start planning your anniversary celebrations now!) He planned for it to replace the bells at church. I don’t know what type of church Mr. Stoddard attended, but I can’t imagine waking up to the sound of a calliope playing two miles away. Or listening to it chime every hour. I’m thinking the people would have sent Joshua from his home in Worcester, MA, to somewhere on the open prairie.

Apparently a calliope can either be played by hand or mechanically. I read that calliopes began using music rolls starting in the 1900’s. The ones I saw always had human players. I wonder if the musicians were just pretending to play. How disillusioning.

The real reason for the demise of the calliope seems to have been the replacement of steam power by things that didn’t get into our lungs and try to kill us. No steam, nothing to drive the music. I think it was a conspiracy by the same people who don’t want Harleys driving through their subdivisions at 3a.

The only calliope-maker in the world right now lives in Peru, Indiana. So it appears that the instrument will not be making a comeback any time soon. It’s probably just as well. Who needs another type of loud discordant music floating around?

Please Stop the Music

March 3, 2014 | cat9984

Disclaimer: I have always been unable to study with music on if it had lyrics; I wanted to listen to the words. I may be genetically incapable of ignoring background music.

The eighties are alive and well at Ralph’s (the pseudonym for the store where I work). Sometimes the music they play sounds like a Top 40’s list from 1984. (I guess that ages me since I don’t remember the last time I heard the phrase Top 40.) As hard as I have tried, I cannot find any type of research that says a constant stream of Billy Joel and Huey Lewis induces people to buy more lettuce and canned corn.

Don’t get me wrong. I really like some of the music. But I remember a business trip I took to Toledo one time. I only lived a couple of hours away, so I drove. I made the mistake of taking more than one album (age alert!) by the same artist with me. It was months before I could listen to some of the songs.

The first year I was there, I only noticed the Christmas music. There really are a limited number of songs a retail store can play at Christmas without offending someone. When you’re open 24/7 and start playing the music right after Thanksgiving, everyone’s teeth are on edge by December 24. So they decide to extend the “mood” by continuing to play it until January 1.

Then I noticed that we also have patriotic music on Independence Day (July 4th). There is a seriously limited supply of patriotic music. Once you get past the anthems for each branch of the military, the Sousa marches, and America the Beautiful, the pickings get slim. Stars and Stripes Forever and the Washington Post March start to sound an awful lot alike by the fourth or fifth repetition.

It was last fall that I started to realize that some of the songs were on heavy rotation (yes, another phrase from the 80’s). I know that stores pay a service to get a certain package of music, so I wasn’t really surprised by the repetition. I just started started wondering why they would choose what they did. Maybe it’s cheaper to get older music? I guess the 80’s were when music started splintering into so many genres, so maybe they were looking for something generic. I just wonder if they really know what they got.

For example, fairly regularly we get to hear Ballroom Blitz by Sweet (1973). I’ve loved the song since the first time I heard it, but as music to shop by?

What about My Sharona by The Knack (1979)? Has anyone listened to the lyrics? They’re a little suggestive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEKWR7WfsJo

Or Rock the Casbah by The Clash (1982)? For one thing, people really don’t hear that first word well. More than one has thought it was F*** the Casbah, which would really be in poor taste. But the rest of the lyrics are pretty iffy too, if you actually listen to them. And the video is worse: