20

Why There is No Animal World Cup

Image result for animals with balls

We have noticed a lot of human interest around something called the World Cup. It is supposed to be the most watched sporting event in the world. We were a little confused at first. We call it soccer over here, but everyone else calls it football. Which kind of makes sense. A bunch of sweaty men play it with their feet.

After watching for a while, we noticed something interesting. The players use their feet and heads to move the ball. The only one who can use his hands is someone called a goal tender.

Image result for animals playing soccer

This was the perfect game for animals! We have paws or hooves, not hands. So why wasn’t there an Animal World Cup?

We went to the source of all information, Google, and typed in “Animal World Cup.” The only thing there was a bunch of sweaty men playing soccer/football.

Image result for animals playing soccer

We tried “Animal Soccer/Football” and got local youth leagues. “Professional Animal Soccer” got no results. How very strange.

We sent our reporter Freddie Ferret out to find out what was going on. Here’s what he uncovered:

Animals have always played a game similar to soccer. It was most popular in places with large fruit or vegetables that could be used as a ball. Players were ejected for eating the ball.

Image result for animals playing soccer

The main rules were that players could only use their head and paws to move the ball. The “goalie” was allowed to use his entire body to stop the ball. The games would start at mid-afternoon and end at dusk.

For years, the animals played soccer uneventfully. However, one day the gorilla coach had an idea. His players had only been using their hind legs to play. Why not try using the front ones?

The idea was brilliant. The gorillas were unbeatable. The other animals sued to keep the gorillas from using their front paws.

Image result for gorilla with soccer ball

“That’s not fair! You’re using your opposable thumbs. You can hold onto the ball.”

“The rules say we can use paws. These are paws.”

The judges weren’t sure what to do. Technically, the gorillas were right; they were using their paws. Realistically, the other animals were right; opposable thumbs made the paws closer to hands.

Image result for animals playing soccer

The judges went with the rules. The gorillas’ paws were allowed. However, they reminded the other animals that there was no rule about only having one species on a team.

Every team tried to get at least one gorilla to join them. Of course, there were not enough gorillas for all of the teams. So the teams tried to lure them with bananas, ants and other treats.

Chimpanzees and other animals with opposable thumbs were also in high demand.  Teams had to hide their prized players or another team would bribe them away.

Image result for no gorillas sign

Soccer wasn’t fun anymore. All the focus was on the star players. Soon the other animals wanted to ban any player with opposable thumbs or force them to play in their own league.

Simians, pandas, koalas, and possums were outraged. They claimed species-ism. They all went back to court. This time the judges determined that there was no fair way to answer the question and banned all competitive soccer between adult animals.

Image result for animals playing soccer

For a while, the animals grumbled and blamed each other. As time passed, they decided that the judges were right. They shouldn’t fight each other over a game.

It passed down from generation to generation that animals only played soccer for fun. Before long, it wasn’t questioned. It just was.

Image result for cats with soccer balls

All pictures courtesy of Google Images

(For the record, the trophy for the winner of the World Cup looks nothing like a Cup.)

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3

Advice for April

If you haven’t heard, there’s a live stream from New York that the humans are all watching. It’s April the giraffe who’s due to give birth any day. She lives at Animal Adventures Park in Harpursville, New York. We have no idea why humans would spend their time watching a giraffe walk round a pen, but humans are strange. We briefly spoke with April to get her thoughts.

Cheeseland: How long have the humans been watching?

April: I really don’t know. It feels like forever. They’re always around, and they never stop talking.

Cheeseland: Why do you think you’re so popular?

April: One of the vets said that the humans want to see me give birth.

Cheeseland: Seriously?

April: Can you believe it? It’s such a personal moment, and all those people want to watch.

Cheeseland: Some people put really personal stuff of their own out there for everyone to see.

April: Ewww. Humans are so weird.

 

We decided to talk to some of the cats whose videos have gone viral. We asked them to share what happened after their moment of fame. Names and faces have been altered to protect their privacy.

Image result for cats

Max

Famous for: Pushing a dog into a pool

Aftermath: The humans thought I was hilarious and posted it. The dog was not amused. He kept trying to get even and push me into the pool. He ended up skidding into the pool several times. That was hilarious. I wish the humans had been around. Now he just sits in a chair by the pool.

Advice: People will leave you alone after a while. Just don’t let them put a panda-cam on the baby.

Image result for cats

Sheba

Famous for: Jumping out from behind a sofa and scaring a child

Aftermath: The big humans laughed but the little human wouldn’t stop crying. Human Mom had to pick her up and told her I was a bad kitty. The little beast called me “bad kitty” for days. She’s lucky I’m not really a bad kitty.

Advice: Don’t trust what the humans say while the camera is on. And never agree to a panda-cam for the baby. The poor thing will have no privacy.

Image result for cats

Alex

Famous for: Getting stuck in the cat door

Aftermath: The humans said I was fat. They made me eat disgusting food that gave me gas and wouldn’t let me have treats. I was hungry all the time and was really grumpy. They finally gave up and let me have my food back. They also discovered they had installed the cat door wrong.

Advice: Break the camera. They’re going the save the most embarrassing parts because they think you’re “cute”. And no panda-cam!

Image result for cats and water

Amelia

Famous for: fishing an ice cube out of a glass of water

Aftermath: They acted so impressed while the camera was on. I don’t know why. Ice cubes are not good prizes. I got my paw wet for something that I couldn’t eat, and they wouldn’t let me play with it. Not only that, they won’t let me around their water anymore.

Advice: Don’t trust humans. Particularly if they want to put your baby on a panda-cam.

 

We hope the advice helps April. We couldn’t understand why pandas with cameras were such a problem. We never see pandas around here, with or without cameras.

So we looked up Panda Cam on Google, and found this (and several others):

https://nationalzoo.si.edu/webcams/panda-cam

with a clip from YouTube:

 

They’re right April. Beware the panda-cam!