Greetings everyone! It’s me Sgt Stripes. You are all aware of the problems I’ve been having getting along with the lady cats in the house.I decided to get together with some of the male cats in Cheeseland to see if they had any advice. I invited several to the Curdled Cow Tavern for a bowl of cream.

Sgt Stripes: Hi guys! Thanks for coming. I’m trying to figure out the best way to get along with the ladies in my house.

Tigger Tiger: You better be careful. You know the ladies can be a little moody. You need to make sure that you’re not making a move on one of their “off” days.

Sgt Stripes: What kind of move would I be making?

Dexter: Here, watch me.

Dexter approaches a beautiful Manx sitting at the bar. Sgt Stripes can’t quite hear what he’s saying. The Manx turns to Dexter and hisses. Dexter slinks back to the table

Sgt Stripes: I appreciate the effort, but I already know how to get them to hiss at me. I want to be friends and snuggle buddies. Maybe share an electric blanket.

Tigger Tiger: As I was saying, you have to pick a day when the lady is in a good mood.

Sgt Stripes: Well, there are four of them. I would think that at least one of them would be in a good mood on any given day. How can I tell?

Bobby: Try to walk up casually and start a conversation. Don’t get too close. That really upsets lady cats.

Sgt Stripes: What do I talk about?

Bobby: Watch me.

Bobby approaches a small cat who is standing by herself. He asks her if she lives nearby, and she nods. He asks her if she’s been to the tavern before. She starts into a long explanation of how she was new in town and didn’t have any friends and told him how lovely his friends look. She talks nonstop for several minutes. Bobby looks at the table, hoping someone will rescue him.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t know about that. I’m not sure that any of my lady cats would be interested in that kind of conversation. Besides, I already know all that stuff about them. And your friend is beginning to look a little desperate.

Shawn goes over to order more cream for the table. As he’s waiting, he sees a large moth. He catches the moth in his mouth. Several cats congratulate him on his hunting prowess. Shawn offers his prize to a kitty at a nearby table. She takes it politely, but her boyfriend glares at Shawn who returns to the table with the cream.

Shawn: You see, Stripes? Ladies love gifts.

Sgt Stripes: I don’t think that would work for me. Snoops is a better hunter than I am. And I don’t think the rest of them really understand what to do with a fresh mouse. I don’t really have that killer instinct.

Gavin: You have four ladies in the house? Which one do you want to pair up with?

Sgt Stripes: I don’t really care. I just don’t like being hissed at.

Gavin: Well, who do you want to be the mother of your kittens?

Sgt Stripes (embarrassed): I don’t want to mate with them. I just want them to spend some time with me.

The other cats at the table look at each other and then at Sgt Stripes.

Tigger Tiger: Well this is embarrassing. We thought you wanted dating advice.

Sgt Stripes: Oh, no. I’m perfectly happy being single. Do you have any friendship advice?

Tigger Tiger: I don’t really know how to help you. You just need to be patient. They’ll probably come around eventually.

Sgt Stripes: So playing pounce with them probably won’t make it happen sooner?

Tigger Tiger: That is probably not a good idea.

Sgt Stripes: Rats. Thanks for meeting with me, everyone.

Guess I’ll go home and get some treats. The humans all like me.

Non-Sarge pictures courtesy of Google Images