Hello! Sgt Stripes here. Recently, I was looking at all of the open jobs posted by where Blondie works. There are a lot of them! (She works for a large healthcare company, so she isn’t too affected by these openings). But all of these jobs seemed really boring, and definitely not designed for cats. Which was really disappointing, since I like to keep my options open. So after some digging, I found some more feline friendly help wanted ads. 

Attorney 

We at Ears and Tails, PLLC, are looking for an experienced Attorney at Paw to join our team. While experience is not necessary, the proper candidate should be able to do the following: 

• Stare intensely at the opponent until they are too uncomfortable to continue
• Be okay with refusing to compromise or back down
• Be prepared to fight with claws and hissing, if necessary 

 Benefits include two paid naps per shift, a cozy office with plenty of sunspots, and treat bonuses monthly. Salary will be paid in mackerel, tuna, and sword fish. Please email your resume and cover letter to earsandtailscatresources@catmail.com. 

Mental Health Provider

Management at Therapurrs are seeking to add a new therapawist to our team. In a rapidly growing field, Therapurrs is expecting to expand our client base by over 40% in the upcoming year, and we’re seeking the purrfect cat to help us do this. The right candidate will be able to:

• Sit (or lay) for extended periods of time
• Pretend like they are listening and like they care
• Can keep their judgements silent and somewhat contained out of their facial expressions
• Will only make, at maximum, 50% of a client session about themselves

Benefits include lots of comfortable blankets and furniture, team lunches, and a positive environment. Salary will be paid monthly in treats. Please email your resume and cover letter to doctorpaws@therapurrs.com. 

Nutritionist 

Tired of seeing humans cooking the same yucky foods over and over? Join PounceNutrition as a nutrition consultant, and help put an end to the spinach and lentil dishes! In this fast paced job, you’ll work with different humans 5 nights per week to help them establish a healthy, yet tasty, meal plan! Say goodbye to spinach pies and lentil stews! With your guidance, humans will learn the benefits of chicken, fish, ham, and so much more! The ideal team member will be able to: 

• Eat a minimum of 3 pieces of protein (plant based excluded) in one sitting
• Properly turn their noses and tails up at any vegetable, fruit, or legume
• Swat offending foods off the table
• Meow in appropriate dialects to indicate approval of a prepared food

Benefits will be based on protein preference, but will include performance based bonuses of preferred proteins, a membership to BirdShack, your local poultry club, and a large bed to lay in (after you complete 10 days of work). Salary is based on experience and will be paid in preferred proteins. Please email your resume and cover letter to pouncecatseat@catmail.com. 

Marketing Manager

How many advertisements have been ruined by human ideas? Now is your chance to create the next best advert! Main Coon Markets is looking for a business savvy kitty with experience in the industry, and willingness to grow with the times! A good fit for our team will: 

• Create cute, yet slightly snarky, slogans 
• Sell what they have without effort 
• Boost sales and views

While experience isn’t required, it is recommended, as this is a very claw to the top industry. If you are accepted for an interview, salary and benefits will be discussed then. Please email your resume, cover letter, and 3 examples of work to maincmarketcats@catmail.com. 

Mouser

The city of Weeping Whiskers is in urgent need of a new mouser to keep our streets clean. We are willing to train the right cat, although a natural talent for hunting will put you at the top of our list. Hours vary based on need, although are typically from 10p-6a, 7 days per week. Breaks are permitted as needed. Our municipal mouser must: 

• Be able to stalk and wait patiently 
• Pounce and kill when the time is right
• Dispose of any body or mess created

Benefits include having all of the mousie bits your heart desires, and being beloved by all of Weeping Whiskers! Interested parties may contact Mayor Purrball at purrball@weepingwhiskers.com. 

Model

If you’re a cat, you’re already beautiful (or handsome, for our man cats out there)! Now get paid to show off! Fluff Model Management is always looking for beautiful new talent. All sizes, shapes, patterns, and colors accepted (although gray tabbies may have a slight advantage due to some casting director biases). Pay is based on the job you are given. Please email at least 5 pictures and your stats to fluffcatmodels@catmail.com. If you do not hear back within 90 days, please email us again, as we are always looking for new models, and we may think you look better the second time around. 

 

IT Worker

CompuCat, Inc, are looking for kitties to add to our growing team of IT workers! Humans are notorious for not using their technology properly; join us as we show them how to flop on the keyboard, open up multiple tabs at once, dim the screen, and close whatever they had open, making it vanish forever. Training will be provided. Benefits include a warm workspace. Pay will be discussed at the interview and is contingent on experience and education. Email your resume and cover letter to CalCompuCat@catmail.com. 

Security Guard

An alarming trend of stray hair ties, loose rubber bands, rogue tissue rolls, and dangerous fluff balls has been plaguing our area. Be a part of the solution with a great team in a growing industry! Sassy Cats Security is looking for bright, high energy guards to help keep our houses safe from these menaces. Each cat may keep what he or she captures at the end of each shift. Techniques should include stalking and pouncing, leaping and capturing, and rolling and nibbling. This job is appropriate for all ages and skill levels; training for our youngest kittens will be provided. Salary will be paid in catnip or silver vine. Interested applicants should email the head hunter, Borris, at borriscat@sassycatssecurityco.com. 

Massage Therapist 

Kneading Paws is seeking a strong cat cat for deep tissue massage services. Our ideal cat will have wonderful kneading skills, deep, penetrative paws, and a healthy weight to support their skillset. Tips will be a part of your salary, which will be paid in kibble variations. All interested candidates should send their qualifications, resume, and cover letter to kneadingpawstalent@catmail.com. 

And there you have it! These look much better for cats! If any of my feline friends are interested in a job, or know of a job that needs filling, let me know and I’ll be happy to help out!

Pictures courtesy of Google Images